HOLIDAY HUMOR
I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top. I asked, “What’s the deal, no decorations?” Puzzled, he looked at me and said, “What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
‘Look at that, ‘remarked Peter to Joe, ‘That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!’
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it ” soots ” him!
Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?
A. He went down with tinsel-itis.
Top Three Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
3 Hey! There’s a gift!
2. Well, well, well …
1. “I really don’t deserve this.”
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.
RIDDLES
What do you do if you get eaten by an Whale? (Run around in circles until you are all pooped out.)
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.
What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants.
How do you know if you are a pirate? You just arrrrr.
SCHOOL WORK
Define “Principal”: The king’s son’s friend
Use “Aorta” in a sentence: AORTA cut the grass down by the ball field so the kids don’t get hurt. (Jeff Foxworthy)
“I’ll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves,” said Tom, seconding the motion.
Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights.
PUNS & OTHER HUMOR
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river, but Tuck climbed out without missing a note. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.
When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is Partial post
When a snail loses it’s shell it looks sluggish.
Why are archaeologists so annoyed? They always have a bone to pick.
Did you hear about the new anti-gravity book? Apparently you can’t put it down.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
If you cross your fingers after surgery you’ll heal faster. Or maybe it’s just super-stitchin.
Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business? They hit rock bottom.
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An investigator.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever.
Why are archaeologists so annoyed? They always have a bone to pick.
Did you hear about the new anti-gravity book? Apparently you can’t put it down.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
If you cross your fingers after surgery you’ll heal faster. Or maybe it’s just super-stitchin.
Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business? They hit rock bottom.
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An investigator.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever.
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? you park your car, man.
How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach? Stop eating caterpillars.
The past the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze?
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course! Houses can’t jump.
The Golden Gift
Once upon a time, there was a man who worked very hard just to keep food on the table for his family. This particular year a few days before Christmas, he punished his little five-year-old daughter after learning that she had used up the family’s only roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.
As money was tight, he became even more upset when on Christmas Eve he saw that the child had used all of the expensive gold paper to decorate one shoebox she had put under the Christmas tree. He also was concerned about where she had gotten money to buy what was in the shoebox.
Nevertheless, the next morning the little girl, filled with excitement, brought the gift box to her father and said, “This is for you, Daddy!”
As he opened the box, the father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, now regretting how he had punished her.
But when he opened the shoebox, he found it was empty and again his anger flared. “Don’t you know, young lady,” he said harshly, “when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside the package!”
The little girl looked up at him with sad tears rolling from her eyes and whispered: “Daddy, it’s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was all full.”
The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his precious little girl. He begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later. It is told that the father kept this little gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. Whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems, he would open the box, take out an imaginary kiss, and remember the love of this beautiful child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us has been given an invisible golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
