Making The Grade

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great, Son!” said his daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Today he represents us in Congress.

Sound Off

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $11.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

Stumped

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth’s rite of passage?

His dad takes him into the forest blindfolded and leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not take off the blindfold until the ray of sun shines through it.

He is all by himself.

He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience. Each lad must come into his own manhood.

The boy in our story was, naturally, terrified. He could hear all kinds of noise. Beasts were all around him. Maybe even a human would hurt him. The wind blew the grass and earth and it shook his stump. But he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold.

It would be the only way he could be a man.

Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he saw his father sitting on the stump next to him – at watch the entire night.

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”
– God (Hebrews 3:5)

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Love the people God put in your life. Someday He’ll want them back.

Marital Murmurs

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called ‘Husband: the Master of the House?'”

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘darling, honey, love.’ What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription … Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!”

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!


                                       Shell Shocked
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
“What did you do that for?” asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, “That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago.”

The crocodile says, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory.”

“Yep,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”

Brush With Death

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were… marooned.

Nobel Prize in Terminology

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was:
When you marry the right woman, you are “complete.”
If you marry the wrong woman, you are “finished.”
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman,
you are “completely finished.”

His answer was received with a standing ovation
lasting over five minutes and it entitled him to receive
an invitation to dine with Queen, who decided to call him after the contest.

Swine Flu

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.

The little hog laughed to see such sport and the sow jumped over the coon.

Q: What do stylish frogs wear? A: Jumpsuits.
Q: What bird is the best weightlifter? A: The crane.

Q: What is the world’s longest punctuation mark? A: The hundred yard dash.

Q: Where does a boat go when it is sick? A: To the dock.

Q: How do locomotives hear? A: Through the engineers.

Contractions Speak Louder Than Words
A man shouted frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” The doctor asked.

“No, are you crazy!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

“You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.” –Unknown

Q: How do you say goodbye to an evil vampire?

A: So long sucker!

The Brick
Author Unknown

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag’s side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, “What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That’s a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?”

The young boy was apologetic. “Please, mister… please, I’m sorry but I didn’t know what else to do,” He pleaded. “I threw the brick because no one else would stop… ” With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.

“It’s my brother,” he said. “He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.” Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, “Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.”

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.


A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.
“Thank you and may God bless you,” the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message.


“Don’t go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!”


God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don’t have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us.
It’s our choice to listen or not.

 

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