Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!
Money In Heaven
A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a 100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven.
God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he’s been good, so he let him in.
He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good.
When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said, “Hmm, well I never see YOU in church.”
Q: Why does it get hot after a baseball game?
A: Because all the fans have left!
Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: In sundae school.
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: He was getting the latest scoop.
Proper Burial
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial would be very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000. The Consul told him that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decided to bury the body there in Jerusalem, and that that would cost him only $150.
George thought for some time and answered, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”
The Consul said, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price.”
“No, it’s not that,” said George. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Panda Lunch
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey, man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
THE CHILD-HEROINE OF NEW BRUNSWICK.
We have read a touching incident about three little children, who, last autumn, late in the season, wandered alone in a dreary region of New Brunswick. The sun had already sunk in the west, and the gloom of evening was spreading itself over the surrounding country.
The night came on fast; and feeling sure that they could not get home before daybreak, the eldest (a girl of only six years) quietly placed the two little ones in a sheltered nook on the sea-beach; and fearing the cold, chilly night for the younger children, Mary stripped off most of her own clothes to keep them warm.
She then started off to gather dry sea-weed, and whatever else she could find, to cover them with. Having tenderly in this way wrought for some time to make them a nest, she at last fell down exhausted with the cold, and half bare to the cold inclement night.
That evening the loving father and tender mother sat up wondering at their children’s long absence; the hours dragged slowly past with anxious watching, and silent listening for the well-known little pattering feet. In vain the fond parents’ eyes pierced through the darkness. At length they roused the neighbors with their anxious inquiries after their lost ones. All that night was passed in searching and in tears, till early in the morning, lying fast asleep, and same- – -what numbed with cold, were found little Johnny and Lizzie. But, oh I a touching spectacle lay near them; their young savior was stiff, cold and dead on the sea-weed which the poor little child-heroine had not strength to drag into the nook, where those she so deeply loved, and died to save, were sleeping. Thus this little New Brunswick girl died in her successful and self-sacrificing endeavor to save her brother and sister.
Does not this recall the love of the Lord Jesus Christ to you who read? Mary went to the full extent of human love in dying for her little brother and sister. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Yet the Lord Jesus laid down his life for his enemies; for “scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die; but God commendeth His love toward us,” etc. He makes no mistakes. Yet how many listen to this story with more emotion and interest than they do to the story of the cross, where the love of Jesus, the Son of God, is told in letters of blood! – Dawn of the Morning.
Tags: #devotionalhumor
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