Random Robby Ramblings

The Early Bird may get the worm but how about the poor early worm? He gets up early, to get a start on the day, because he has loads of work to do, and he gets eaten by a bird! Where is the moral of the story, when the lazy worms don’t get eaten? Isn’t that hypocritical? Seems to me that all the smart worms either work nights, or sleep late and get up after lunch.  Isn’t that sending the wrong message to our kids?

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me

What type of food do you eat in a Taxi?  Corn on the cab.

Warning to Mummies *** Don’t go on vacation, you could relax and unwind.

The Key that will sure fire open the banana – Monkey

Fight, fight – the snails are slugging it out

What’s a foot long and slippery – A Slipper

My boat got sea sick and went to the dock – just sayin

Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: Any child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Kings keep their armies in their sleevies

Behind Every Man Is His Mother

A picture of George Washington’s head is on the front of every dollar bill. It is funny because Mrs. Washington said, “George never did have a head for money.”

Charles Lindbergh was the first man to fly across the Atlantic solo and his mom would often say to him, “Charles, can’t you do anything by yourself?”

Neil Armstrong’s mother often said, “Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon.”

Religious Nuts

A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them: “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, “You think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

A Lesson From Nature

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him…

The moral:

When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut!

Turning A Blind Eye

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Toasted

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lafayette Street tavern. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on and off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Old Speller

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked little Sammy about his family trip.

“We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Sammy said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

God IS GOOD

About 26 years ago a pastor was standing in line at a convenience store in New Orleans and noticed the family in front of him did not have enough money to pay for the few items they were buying. The pastor tapped the man on the shoulder and told him to not turn around, but to please take the money he was offering him. The man took the money, and never turned around to look at the kind stranger helping him.

Nine years had passed since that incident in the convenient store, and the pastor was invited as a guest speaker in New Orleans. He spoke, and after the service he was standing by the door greeting people and after most everyone had left, a gentleman walked up to him. He told the pastor an amazing story about how he had come to know the Lord.

Several years ago he, his wife and their child were destitute. They had lost everything, had no jobs, no money and were living in their car. They were not Christians at the time and had decided to make a suicide pact, including the child. They drove to a cliff and quietly discussed their fate. They decided that they should at least give their child some food before they killed themselves and drove away to buy him some milk and food. They were standing in line at the store, and realized they did not have enough money to pay for the few little items they wanted to give their child for his last meal. Then, he said a man behind him spoke and asked him to please take the money from his hand and to not look at him.

The man also told him and his family that “Jesus loves you.”  The man said that they left the store, drove back to the cliff and wept for 4 hours. They knew that they could not go through with what they had planned to do, so they drove away. They drove by a church with a sign that said “Jesus loves you”, and went to the church the next Sunday. The man and woman both got saved that day in Church. The man then told the Pastor that the minute he stood up in the pulpit and started speaking that he knew immediately that the Pastor was that kind stranger from 9 years ago. He said he would never forget that accent. The Pastor is from South Africa, so he has a very distinct accent. He continued on to tell the Pastor that because of his one random kind act he saved three lives that day, and because he had told them that Jesus loves them, it had drawn them in to a church where they accepted Christ!!!!