Random Robby Christmas Thoughts
And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich
How do you wash your hands over the holiday? With Santatizer
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf
A snowman, eating dessert, was asked by the waitress how he liked the carrot cake. He replied, “It tastes like boogers.”
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.
Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? Aren’t you tired of hanging around?”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you can’t beat it!
Who delivers The Baby Sharks Christmas – Santa Jaws
Inn Giver (as opposed to Keeper)
It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph. He was assigned the inn keeper.
Because he was still bitter, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!”
Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you’re hauling big ticket items this year, I’d like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays only big-people music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “Don’t eat in the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.
And please don’t forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws’ house seem just like mine.
If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young…
Choir
I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.
After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “I will have you sing tenor.”
“You mean right next to the baritones,” I asked?
“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir.”
Sleigh You
Father Christmas’ sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, “Can you give me a hand?”
“Sorry,” the motorist replied. “I’m not a mechanic, I’m a chiropodist.”
“Well, can you give me a toe?”
Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like
Hey! There’s a gift.
Well, well, well…
I really don’t deserve this.
All I WANT
A man and his wife were at dinner the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want For Christmas.”
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”
Country Christmas
I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, “This is fancy.” She replied, “Well hon’, you know there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
Two brothers went to their grandma’s for Christmas…
The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.
The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read “Merry Christmas, Love Grandma”
Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, “Why does grandma love you so much more than me?”
“She does not! Why would you say that?” Responded the younger.
“Because every year you get a gift and all I ever get is a card.”
“That’s not true, I’ve seen you get gifts!” Scolded the younger.
Rolling his eyes the older demanded, “When I was little, but it’s been years. All I get is cards. In fact, I will bet you next year I get a card again.”
“It’s a bet then, let’s make it $100.” smiled the brother.
“$100 I get a card again next year. Deal!” The older glared back.
The next year came around and they both rushed to the tree. To the younger’s delight, below the tree was a package with his older brothers name.
He chuckled, “Hope you brought my money big bro.”
After dinner the older brother retrieved his gift. As he opened it a smile came across his face.
The younger brother nudged closer and peeked inside. He too smiled, “Hah! That’ll be $100, you got a sweater! Told you!”
Smuggly the older pulled the present out and with a grin he said, “No I don’t. This isn’t a sweater, I got a cardigan.”
A Glass of Milk
One day, a poor boy, who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you? “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”
He said… “Then I thank you from my heart.”
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was stronger also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many years later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words…..
“Paid in full with one glass of milk.” — Signed — Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank you, God , that Your love has spread through human hearts and hands.”
There’s a saying which goes something like this: “Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place.” And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?
