Father’s Day Funnies

Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?
Tom: What?
Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

 

Kids do say the Darndest things. Father Style

When my sons were quite young and just learning to read, I would encourage them by always reading the signs we saw as we drove around town. Many of our trips involved getting onto I-95 just south of West Palm Beach. So I would always read, “I-95 North West Palm Beach. I-95 South Miami.”

After many months of going through this routine, my then four-year-old asked me one day, “Mommy, when are we EVER gonna go see ‘Your Ami’?”

A small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah?  When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.
Son: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!

—————————————————–

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

———————————————

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

————————————————

Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:

“Can you turn up that music?”

“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”

“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”

“Here, you take the remote.”

 

Give Me Some Sugar

While visiting my 89-year-old grandfather in the hospital, a nurse came in to check his blood sugar. Before she started, the nurse examined his red fingertips that had been poked numerous times already and said, “Humm…which finger should we use this time that won’t hurt too much?”

“Yours!” my grandfather replied.

 

THE DYING BOY

It was Ralph Wallace who told me of this one. A certain gentleman was a member of the Presbyterian Church. His little boy was sick. When he went home his wife was weeping, and she said:

“Our boy is dying; he has had a change for the worse. I wish you would go in and see him.” The father went into the room, and placed his hand upon the brow of his dying boy, and could feel that the cold, damp sweat was gathering there; that the cold, icy hand of death was feeling for the chords of life.

“Do you know, my boy, that you are dying?” asked the father.

“Am I? Is this death? Do you really think I am dying?”

“Yes, my son, your end on earth is near.”

“And will I be with Jesus tonight, father?”

“Yes, you will be with the Savior.”

“Father, don’t you weep, for when I get there I will go right straight to Jesus, and tell Him that you have been trying all my life to lead me to Him.”

God has given me two little children, and ever since I can remember I have directed them to Christ; and I would rather they carried this message to Jesus that I had tried all my life to lead them to Him-than have all the crowns of the earth; and I would rather lead them to Jesus than give them the wealth of the world. If you have got a child, go and point the way I challenge any man to speak of heaven without speaking of children.  “For of such is the kingdom of heaven.”  — Moody’s Anecdotes

THE LORD WILL PROVIDE

Some years since when we were living in Grand Rapids and were trying to pay for our little home there, our heart was burdened because of a payment of one hundred dollars that would be due in a few days. We were at the time laboring in; revival work in the southern part of the state, were in very close circumstances and from the human standpoint could see no way of deliverance.  But as we took the matter to the Lord’s in prayer we were greatly helped of the Spirit and received the evidence that God would supply the money needed to make the payment on the home, and wrote to wife that we had the evidence beyond the possibility of a doubt that the money was coming And it came, $50.00 from a brother in Texas whom we had never seen but once or twice, a brother in the Lord and the balance in smaller from different sources. Nor is this by any means the only case which God has helped us in a time of especial need now we have great reason to praise him that in a time of severe and general financial depression he has so greatly prospered us in the circulation of this book and for the evidence we have had that the” book is proving a blessing and encouragement to thousands of hearts. We also wish to record to the glory of God, his great mercy in healing our wife of consumption in January last (1894) About a year before her father died of the same disease, She cared for him during part of his last illness and from that time her own strength steadily failed until she was entirely unable to work. Her lungs pained her constantly — her life was evidently rapidly wasting away, and aside from the power of God to deliver, she had no hope of living more than a few months.

We too felt that in God was our only hope of deliverance.

On the evening of January 15, we attended prayer meeting and then received the assurance of God’s willingness to heal her. On our return we said to her, “If you will walk in the light God will heal you not many days hence.” Little more was said, but a few minutes after she remarked to a friend who was visiting us, “My lungs certainly feel different.” Early the next morning we were each led out to pray for the work to done and were enabled by faith to claim victory. The same moment the difference in her breathing was clearly observable. Her lungs felt as if having received new life and she rapidly gained strength. The same morning she was healed she clearly felt called to go out in evangelistic work in answer to a call that had come from friends not knowing, of her illness but two weeks she started. Before her healing she had only attended public service once in about two months and then in great weariness, but while absent from home she preached every night for five weeks, without exception or difficulty with her lungs and saw over fifty souls gloriously converted to god.

Truly our God is the Lord, and he is able and willing to help his children in every time of need.