Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 – 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
And You Are………………
* 0-5 = You’re still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don’t tell your age
* 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!
Bumper Stickers 1998
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
* Keep honking, I’m reloading.
* I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
* If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Un-Bearable
A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.
“Why did you do that?” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?
OXYMORONS
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Legally drunk
- Synthetic natural gas
- Tight slacks
- Pretty ugly
PROCESSINGS
“What does the optimist say about the glass and the water?” he asked.
“It’s half full,” was the reply!
“And what does the pessimist say?” he queried. “It’s half empty.”
“And, what does the process re-engineer have to say about it?”
“Looks like you’ve got twice as much glass as you need there!”
4th of July Funnies
Q: How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
Q: What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
A: Liberty.
Q: What was the most popular dance in 1776?
A: Indepen-dance.
Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
A: It can’t sit down.
Q: What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.
Q: What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A: A fire quacker.
Q: Which colonists told the most jokes?
A: Punsylvanians!
The Best Fish and Chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, “Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
She turned to the other Brother and says “then you must be….?”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”
Q: Where would you look when purchasing felines via mail order?
A: In a Cat-a-log.
Q: What kind of school does a carpenter go to?
A: Boarding school.
A Brother’s Hands
Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children. Eighteen!
In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood.
Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of the elder children, Albrecht and Albert, had a dream. They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the Academy.
After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact. They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy. Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines.
They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg.
Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation. Albrecht’s etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.
When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht’s triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition. His closing words were, “And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will take care of you.”
All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated, over and over, “No… no… no… no.”
Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, “No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg. It is too late for me. Look… Look what four years in the mines have done to my hands! The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush. No, brother… for me it is too late.”
More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer’s hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, water colors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer’s works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.
One day, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother’s abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward. He called his powerful drawing simply “Hands,” but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love “The Praying Hands.” The next time you see a copy of that touching creation, take a second look. Let it be your reminder, that no one – no one – ever makes it alone!
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