Kids

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.

“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”

One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

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A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, “Where did you get all that money?

“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

Little Billy’s mom was rubbing moisturizing cream on her face as Billy walked in.

“Mommy, what are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m putting cold cream on my face,” she replied.

“Why, Mommy?” Billy asked.

“To make my skin look beautiful,” she said.

When she started wiping the cold cream off her face with a kleenex, Billy said, “Gosh, Mom, you’re giving up already?”

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Roped In

Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

He Who Has Ears

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

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If a daddy longlegs doesn’t have any kids is he still a daddy longlegs?

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Q: Why did the three little pigs leave home?

A: Their father was an awful boar.

Q: Why did the crab cross the road?

A: To get to the other tide?

Q: Why is it a good idea to guard your rear while you’re in the hospital?

A: You’re in enema territory.

Q: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

A: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Q: Why don’t blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A: Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Utterly Ridiculous

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

Yep..wait for it;…It went in one ear and out the udder.

PROTECTED BY ANGELS.

A good clergyman was once sent to a wild and dangerous part of Australia on some errand of duty and mercy traveled up to the place too poor to be in any great from bush-rangers or robbers, but as he came back he had to bring in his saddle-bags a large sum of money not of his but belonging to the dying man he had been sent for to comfort.

He knew that a dangerous robber was aware that riding along this lonely track through the bush with all his about him, and when he got to one part of the road he felt so frightened that he thought he was not trusting God as a Christian should.

He wanted a little quiet, so he got off his horse and by it, with his eyes shaded against it, praying for faith courage not to be afraid of bush-rangers or robbers, and to guarded against them. He prayed till he felt calm enough ride on, and then he mounted his horse and reached the in safety with the money which he had in charge.

Some time later he was once more called to visit a man a sick bed, and he recognized him as the robber of whom had been so afraid in his ride. This man told him that he felt he could not die without confessing that on that day he had followed him, intending to rob and murder him, but could get no opportunity.

“Why did you not do it when I got off my horse?” asked the clergyman in surprise.

“I could not then,” said the bush-ranger; “there were too many of you.”

“What do you mean?” asked the clergyman. “I was quite alone in the bush, standing with my head resting against my horse’s side for a long time. You could have killed me then.”

“You were not alone,” said the bush-ranger; “I saw you standing as you describe, but there was a man on each side there had been no other men with the clergyman in that hour of terror when he cried to God, but it is just possible that God really opened the robbers eyes and showed him his angels guarding his servant as he went on his dangerous duty, as Elisha’s servant’s eyes were opened to see guardians around his muster.

Whatever may be the explanation God did send his angels to frighten away the robber, and by so doing he saved him from a great crime as well as the good clergyman from death.  – The Mission Worker.

“Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to for them who who shall be heirs of salvation?”

 DR.CHAS CULLIS – “THE MAN THAT BELIEVED GOD”

In 1861, a Christian physician in the city of Boston first recorded his desire to open a private hospital, or home, for those consumptives who were excluded from the public hospital on the ground that they were incurable. His professional income was already wholly consecrated to the Lord, but it was not at all sufficient to justify such an undertaking, and his only hope was that if his desire was prompted by the Holy Spirit, God would provide the way for its fulfillment.

Nearly two years later, as his biographer tells us, “the burden of the possible and yet impossible work grew so heavy that he began to pray in that alternative manner by which. in after years he was accustomed to seek the settlement of difficult questions: ‘O Lord, if this thought is from thee, give me the means to realize it; and if not, I pray thee take it out of my mind.’ On the evening of that very day a trifling sum of money was given him, unsolicited, by a friend who knew of his plan for a consumptive’s home.” Such was the beginning of a work for God that has justly ranked Dr. Chas. Cullis among the, greatest men of faith the world has ever known.

Of the miracles of grace manifested in answer to the prayers of this devoted servant of God, we can only make a few, brief statements. In September, 1864, he opened his first consumptive’s home. Within twelve months, by the purchase of a second building the capacity of the home was doubled and all bills were paid. Constant proofs had been given, both and spiritual, that this servant of God had not trusted in vain The amount of money received during the first year–$5916.28. The second year was in many respects one of trial.  His faith was at times severely tested, but eighty-eight patients were cared for souls were converted and the total receipts given in answer to the prayer of faith were $8293.10.  During the third year a children’s orphanage was added to the work.  At the end of the fifth year the work included five departments, Consumptive’s Home, the Orphanage, the Deaconness’ House with its training school for nurses, the Willard Tract Repository and the Willard street Chapel. This summary of the report of the home for this year Dr. Cullis wrote:

“The Lord has given in answer to prayer, in cash during the year, $13,360.45. For the Home, since the commencement of the work, $47,627.85,” and adds:

“We still trust that every death has been in Christ.  Regarding one case only, we cannot express ourselves with certainty; as this patient entered in a dying state, and in about thirty-six hours passed away. During this time he was too feeble to do more than to say he would ask for pardon through the blood of Jesus.”

How severely at times his faith was tested, is shown in the following item early in the sixth year; “This noon I had but twenty cents in the world, belonging to myself or any branch of the work. Money was needed to purchase groceries for supper. I asked the Lord to send the amount in season. At three o’clock a messenger from the Home called for the needed money. Just at the same moment, the mail arrived; the last letter opened contained a check for ten dollars from Dover, N.H. Truly they that trust in the Lord shall not be confounded!” Yet the same year he contracted for Grove Hall, property, and agreed to pay $90,000.00 for it, in order that he might give his great household of suffering ones what the city, could not afford them, abundant liberty and light and air. Thus the work grew upon his hands and in the introduction to the report of the seventeenth year of this work, are these memorable words:

“For seventeen years I have believed! The word has been true to me. My God faileth never. The promises stand out upon the firmanent of his word as the stars in the blue above, and they shed their light as truly as the stars; but, like them, they are only seen by those who look up The promises are revealed to those who are looking unto Jesus”’

In the same year of the work, the entire amount of money received m response to simple faith in God reached and passed sum of half a million dollars; and at the end of the twentieth year, two thousand seven hundred and seven consumptives had been cared for, the grand total of receipts was $621,960.36 and the value of; real estate held in trust for the work at home and abroad, over and above the mortgages upon it, was not for from $300,000.00, and almost a thousand souls had in the Home I found pardon and peace in the Saviour. Nor have we even mentioned the millions of tracts and books circulated, the home and foreign missions established, the Cancer Home, the Spinal Home, the Boydton Institute, and other departments of this great work. How many thousand Christian hearts have been strengthened, how many of the Lord’s children have been healed of disease, how many souls saved, how many believers baptized with the Spirit in our own and other lands, as a direct result of the devotion of this servant of God, only the heavenly records can show. All this an answer to prayer? And yet the record is not finished, for though Dr. Culls has gone from labor to reward, the different departments of the work which he established still prosper and his mighty influence still lives and the power of his life is still felt all over the Christian world.  And when at the last great day all that has been accomplished by his life is made known, will not the answer of the redeemed, in glory be: “ALL THIS IN ANSWER TO PRAYER.”