Two Fer
Brenda’s five-year-old grandson Logan was spending the evening at his grandparents’ home. He asked if he could watch the “Brer Rabbit” video and then made a second request to watercolor.
Brenda asked him which one of the two he wanted to do.
He looked up at Brenda and replied, “Grandma, I have two eyes. I can do two things at once.”
Typing Class
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit.
I said “Rachel, eat it like a typewriter.”
Se looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said “Mommy, what’s a typewriter?”
What do fish need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!
Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!
Classified Ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastar*
Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer – 100.
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
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FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
The 18 Shortest Books Ever Written
1) A Millennium Of German Humor
2) A Collection of Sonatas for Banjo
3) Compendium Of Puerto Rican Nobel Prize Winners
4) List of Popular or Respected Lawyers
5) Archives of the Mexican Space Program
6) The Amish Phone Book
7) The Chinese Influence in Ice Hockey
8) Al Gore: The Wild Years
9) Dutch Generosity Through The Centuries
10) UNIX Made Easy
11) Tennis Greats Among the Eskimo
12) How Paperclips Work
13) The List of Italian War Heroes
14) The NFL’s Greatest Thinkers
15) Operating Instructions For Scotch Tape
16) Poems by Professional Wrestlers
17) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
18) My Plan To Find The Real Killers, by OJ Simpson
True Story
This is a true story ~ proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read: “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'”
The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …”I think the man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned! A talking pig!'”
The teacher had to leave the room.
These are actual comments made by Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
- “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
- “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
- “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
- “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
- “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
- “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
Give Me Patience or Give Me Death
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO: I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE: A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’
‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
SIX: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, and the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’
Angel Choir
Florence Turnidge had no words for the loneliness and loss when her 92-year-old mother died. All she could think to herself was, “This is too much to handle.”
“We were inseparable prayer partners. She was my spiritual mentor and next to my husband my dearest friend.” Yet two years after her mother’s death, grief seemed to be winning. “I thought I would be very brave, but I still felt terrible.” “Lord,” she said, “I’ve got to do something.”
So, 70-year-old Florence Turnidge took a walk. She put on her coat and walked to the CRISTA Nursing Center. “I went down the hall and met other widowed women like Mother, who didn’t have a loving family to look after them. Right away I knew this is where I belonged.”
She met people she didn’t know. Then, while stepping
down the hall, she saw a familiar face. “Brother Everette!” Everette Row had been a longtime friend. For 12 years, they had led prayer groups together. Now a brain tumor had reduced him to a wheelchair. Gone was the familiar sparkle in the eyes of this Bible scholar from India. She stayed with him for a few minutes, wondering and praying what she could do.
As she walked back home, she said, “Lord, I’ll keep going to see Brother Everette, but it’s going to be hard. I can’t stand it. I’ve got to have grace.” Then it hit her: Brother Everette loves children. Why of course. . . .
Once inside the door, Florence picked up the phone and dialed her daughter, Diane. But it was really four-year-old, Jennifer she wanted. “Honey, this is Grandma. I have a friend at the rest home I want you to meet. . . .” The next day Diane dropped off Jennifer at Florence’s home. Florence took the preschooler by the hand.
“Where are we going, Grandma?” asked Jennifer.
“We’re going to meet a man who’s very sick,” Florence explained. “you can make him happy. And if you can make him happy, you’ll make Jesus happy.”
When Florence and Jennifer arrived, Brother Everette was sitting up in his wheelchair. “I’ve brought someone to see you,” she said. Slowly, he turned his head until he saw Jennifer’s young, cherub face. And then Brother Everette did something he hadn’t done in weeks. He smiled.
A few days later, Florence brought Brother Everette face to face with another young visitor. Jason was Jennifer’s eight-year-old brother. Right after his birth, Jason had contracted gangrene while his mother battled post-delivery kidney failure and fought for her life. Florence contacted everyone she knew who believed in the power of prayer. It was not a small list. For days and nights people prayed for Diane’s and Jason’s complete healing.
One of those concerned persons was Brother Everette. He prayed all night from dusk until dawn. The next day, the news came from the hospital: Diane and Jason had turned the corner and were on the way to a healthy recovery.
Now Jason stood at the bedside of Brother Everette, who rested quietly in a coma. Softly, the brown haired-boy said, “Brother Everette, thank you for praying all night for me. Thank you for asking God to help me live.”
Florence Turnidge was delighted as she saw Jennifer and Jason minister to the elderly residents. She told her parents, and soon other children and their moms came along. It’s been going on like this at the CRISTA Nursing Center since 1989. Florence has told her story to women’s groups and church audiences too numerous to count. “Often you can feel an immediate emotional bond between the kids and the elderly,” said Florence.
“There is something about children that brings new life and enthusiasm to the elderly.”
She will not forget the time a nurse asked a visiting mom if the children would go talk to a terminally-ill woman. To a child, each of them smiled and said hello. Then, without any prompting, a girl reached out and touched the woman’s hand. The children began singing and the music of “Jesus Loves Me” filled the room. The next week the nurse told mom, “I just wanted you to know what those children meant to that woman. They were an angel choir. They sang her into Heaven.”
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