Mountain Runoff

A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they cried.

“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”

 

Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!

 

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?A: Piiig

 

RULES TO ENTER KANSAS
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn & remember: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

 

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

 

When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.

 

I once got into so much debt that I couldn’t even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor

 

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

 

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

 

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not the end of the world!

 

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

 

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

 

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.

 

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. – Norman Vincent Peale

 

Here’s a typical conversation I had with my son Sean. This happened yesterday morning. Oh, and he’s almost 3 years old.

Okay, here we go…

Me: Sean. What would you like for breakfast?

Sean: Hot Dogs!

Me: No. Hot Dogs are not breakfast food. How about waffles?

Sean: No. I want jelly beans.

Me: What?! Jelly Beans? Are you outta your mind? Try again.

Sean: Cereal!

Me: Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. What kind of cereal?

Sean: Jelly bean cereal!

Me: There’s no such thing. How about Cheerios?

Sean: No. I want lunch!

Me: What do you mean you want lunch? It’s breakfast time! And during this particular mealtime we eat breakfast food. So…what would you like to eat for breakfast?

Sean: Waffles!

Me: Okay. Two waffles coming up! Would you like syrup?

Sean: Yes, please.

Me: How about some blueberries?

Sean: I want some PEZ!

My Daughter Tess’ Joke

A man goes into a bar orders a beer and peanuts…

The bartender brings them and walks off.. a few moments later the man hears

 

“Wow! That’s some tie!”

 

The man looks around to see who said that and sees no one but the bartender with his back to him…

 

He drinks up eats his peanuts orders another beer and peanuts…

The bartender brings them and walks off.. a few moments later the man hears

 

“Those Shoes, man oh man those are some shoes!”

 

The man looks around to see who said that and sees no one but the bartender with his back to him…

 

The man totally bewildered says… “Hey bartender, what’s up with the strange compliments?”

 

“Oh” says the bartender, “Those are the nuts, and they’re complementary”

 

God’s Web

During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific Island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, “Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen.”

After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, “Well, I guess the Lord isn’t going to help me out of this one..” Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

“Ha, he thought. “What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor.”

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while. “Lord, forgive me,” prayed the young man. “I had forgotten that in you a spider’s web is stronger than a brick wall.”