IMPORTANT I.T. MEMO

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by June 2017. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A~Sketch off?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:   Don’t shake it.

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My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

 

MUD PUDDLES AND DANDELIONS

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can’t carry a tune and don’t have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don’t know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, “Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don’t want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy.”

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?

No wonder God loves the little children!!

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

I wish you mud puddles and dandelions…

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Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.

 

SIGNS OF LIFE

English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating”

On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”

On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin”

On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet”

At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges”

In a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”

On a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog”

Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”

On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push”

Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome – dog food is expensive”

Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

 

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….. Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’

April
Trapped on escalator for hours … Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid…..wrong instructions…. 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing……. Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… my turn,  rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ I asked ‘Is it on or off?’

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm…… Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

October
Hate M & M’s….. They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days …. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn’t call 911. ‘Duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!

 

Q: What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?  A: Meals on wheels!

Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?  A: Nightmares!

 

Q: What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? A: U.C.L.A.

Q: What is the world’s longest punctuation mark? A: The hundred yard dash.

The Duck & the Devil:

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid its dead body in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.Then she whispered to him, “Remember the duck?” So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, “I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.” Sally just smiled and said,” Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help.” She whispered again, “Remember the duck?” So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.!

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s… he finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, “Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.”

The Lesson:

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done… and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.), ..whatever it is….You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing….. He has seen your whole life; He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets….. It is by God’s grace and mercy that we are saved.

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. “The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. “So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:34-36)