Phone Jokes Are-Off The Hook

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

 

A harp is a piano with no clothes on.

 

Capital Letter

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.  When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.  It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.  However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Mouseketeer

Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”

User: My Mouse seems to have eaten some D-con, it’s not working!

Tech: OK is your hand-held pointing device detecting two-dimensional motion relative to its surface? Does it allows a smooth control of the graphical user interface?

User: “Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

Tech: “Okay: ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?’ ”

 

Rat Poison Ads Speak with Baited Breath

Get a killer deal on D-Con, mice love it to death, rats say its to die for.

 

Somethings Fishy

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. “You will find no fish under that ice.”

The drunk looks around, but he sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, “As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but he can’t see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. “I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!”

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”

“No,” the voice replied. “I am the manager of this hockey rink.”

 

UFO

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper’s skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

“That,” said the professor, “was a flying Chaucer.”

– The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

– Crime doesn’t pay; does that mean my job is a crime?

– Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

– I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

– What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

– I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

– Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.

– If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

The Bicycle Daddy Made for Me

I didn’t know bikes sold in stores in shiny red and blue;

My bike was made of junk yard parts my daddy sorted through.

My brother and my sisters all had bikes that Daddy also made;

And learning to ride my own bike was something that I craved.

My Daddy promised me a bike when I reached six years old;

As that birthday loomed ahead, my begging grew more bold.

Finally he went to the basement to build a bike for me,

Using all those rusted parts he picked up nearly free.

The bike he built was very large for a little girl like me;

So I had to learn while standing up, but how hard could that be?

With staunch determination, I tried and took a fall,

And wished with all my little heart that bike was not so tall;

But in time I learned to stand and ride which made my daddy proud

Of how I took those many falls and never cried out loud.

My bike was balanced perfectly and I could ride, “no hands”

After I grew tall enough to sit instead of stand.

The bike was never shiny and it really wasn’t “new”

But it taught a little girl to have fun while “making do”.

                                     ( A completely true poetic story)     by Betty Killebrew

 

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