Blind Luck

I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don’t know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now “cool” to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out, though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, “All right, I can see the ‘O’ and the ‘P’ and the ‘T,’ but not the ‘N’ and the ‘Z.'”

 

The French Datsun

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get.

So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted ‘240-S’.

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car re- painted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say…..

“Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

 

Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.

Q: How do you start a book about ducks?
A: With an introducktion.

 

Q: What is the most dangerous part of a car?
A: The nut that holds the steering wheel.

 

What’s Stirring

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

 

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

 

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2017!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?

A: To get to the other side.

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Where are Average Things Manufactured? The satisfactory.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

 

Kathie Lee Gifford: How Billy Graham Led Me to Christ

For most of my childhood, my family honored God in a general sense but didn’t know him personally. We were culturally Jewish on my father’s side and culturally Christian on my mother’s side. But our faith—and indeed everything about our lives—began to change one night when I was 12.

I came home to see my mother and sister in our living room, sobbing in front of the television. A couple years prior, President Kennedy had been assassinated, so I walked in thinking, What cataclysmic event has happened this time? But I discovered that my mother and sister had been watching one of Billy Graham’s televised crusades. That night they both came to Christ.

A few months later, the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association released its first movie in theaters, The Restless Ones. It is about a girl at the cusp of making big decisions in her life. She asks herself whether she’ll follow the way of faith or the way of the world. I went to see it at a small theater in our town, Annapolis, Maryland. As I watched, I heard a voice speak to me directly. Although it wasn’t audible, I sensed God saying deep in my spirit, “Kathie, I love you. If you’ll trust me, I’ll make something beautiful out of your life.”

At the end of the movie, someone in the theater stood up and announced, “Whoever would like to make this step of faith, come forward.” I couldn’t get out of my seat fast enough. My brother didn’t want me walking into the crowd on my own and said, “You’re not going anywhere.” I spurted back, “Oh yeah? Stop me.” He came with me to make sure I was safe. Standing at the front of the theater, I asked Jesus into my heart.

At that age, all I wanted was to become an actress and a singer. The Lord met me in a movie theater, in the very world I dreamed of being a part of. From that point on, God was with me at every twist and turn, every decision. The Holy Spirit would say, “Go that way. Go down that road,” or, “No, Kathie, don’t take that part. No, that will not glorify the Lord.” God kept me on his path and eventually led me to Hollywood.

The story of my life is not the story of my faithfulness to God but of his faithfulness to me.

When I first got there, I met for Bible study with about a dozen fellow Christians who felt called to serve God through arts and entertainment. We were chastised far more by Christians than by anybody else back then. They’d ask, “How can you say you’re a Christian and be in Hollywood?” I’d always respond, “How could I be in Hollywood and not be a Christian?” How could I put up with the work and rejection without the security of God’s faithfulness?

But even in the entertainment industry, I never felt pressured to downplay or hide my faith.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle, make mistakes, or break God’s heart on occasion. But the story of my life—and I dare say any Christian’s life—is not the story of my faithfulness to God but of his faithfulness to me.

During the 1990s, while I was co-hosting Live with Regis and Kathie Lee, I faced a wave of vicious attacks in the tabloids. I was accused of exploiting sweatshop labor in the factories that made my clothing line, then sold at Wal-Mart. The following year the news of my husband’s infidelity broke. Frank and I both stopped watching TV and reading the papers. We focused on the Word of God. I chose to read what God said about us, not what the world said. We weren’t new to the business; by that time, we knew how the Enemy worked. It became our Hebrews 12:2 moment, fixing our eyes upon Jesus, who endured the shame of the cross on our behalf.