Getting Your Goat
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!”
The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible…I had him chained to a transmission.”
Little Susan was her mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
“Susan,” she said, “you didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place.”
“I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”
A Pyramid Scheme
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with “Amen” or “That’s right, preacher” he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with “Amen, Pharaoh!” The guest minister wasn’t sure what that meant, but after several more “Amen, Pharaohs” he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, “What exactly did you mean when you said “Amen, Pharaoh?”
His host replied, “I was telling you to let my people go!”
Heading in The Right Direction
Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
“He who has a Tates is lost!”
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
William Tell and his family used to be league bowlers – but now that the records have been lost, it is difficult to determine for whom the Tells bowled.
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
** Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they shall be buffeted.
** Blessed are those who shop, for they shall be spent.
** Blessed are those who drill, for they shall not be bored.
** Blessed are bald men, for they shall not have toupee for hair cuts.
** Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other attractive.
** Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash.
** Blessed are the neurologists, for they shall have a lot of nerve.
** Blessed are the obstetricians, for their labors shall not be in vain.
** Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shall not be shortsighted.
** Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall have many children.
** Blessed are the psychiatrists, for they shall be couched.
** Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shall put a whole new face on things.
** Blessed are the podiatrists, for they shalt have a leg to stand on.
** Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shall have a lot of heart.
** Blessed are the optometrists, for they shall see you coming.
** Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff.
** Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you coming.
** Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys, for they shall hear a pin drop.
** Blessed are those who cook, for they shall be at home on the range.
** Blessed are they that go in circles, for they shall be called wheels.
** Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
** Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted.
** Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall be able to predict the weather.** Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key.
The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river.
The choir director’s face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was “Shall we gather at the river?
Hand Writing On The Wall
A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
“While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear – he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper, and how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, “I love Mommy,” surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.