Off Hand

“Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother commented:

‘Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?’

‘Yes,’ replied Philip, ‘God did it and he did it left handed.’

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, ‘What makes you say God did this with his left hand?’

‘Well,’ said Philip, ‘we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.’ ”

A Sea Tale

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn’t wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, “What caused the submarine to sink?” With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!”

Freckles and Wrinkles

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. “You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful!” The boy looked up, “Really?” “Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why, just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.” The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”

Not Quite So Dumb

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says ; ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why. I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now …

 

A Couple Buddhist Jokes

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?

Make me one with everything. The pizza chef prepares it and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The pizza vendor says: “Change comes from within.”

—————————–

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

 

Go Granny Go

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

 

 

A Bridge Too Far

One day, a man was walking across a bridge and saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off. He immediately ran to him and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Well, why shouldn’t I?” he replied.

The other said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what”?

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! And are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which he said, “Die, you heretic!” and pushed him off the bridge.

 

You can miss Heaven by 18 inches

There is a common saying: “You can miss Heaven by 18 inches.” That is about the distance between you head and your heart. I had an intellectual knowledge about Jesus but no heart knowledge.  It’s like knowing you had a father and knowing your father. I did not know Jesus as my personal Saviour.

I had experienced God’s urgent call to salvation many times in my life. I told God, “I’ll get around to salvation, but not now.” I was not ready to give up the temporary rewards sin has to offer. Every time I rejected God’s offer I fell deeper into sin.

It was in the first week of December 2011 that I began to experience overpowering demonic oppression. My mind was flooded with thoughts that were not my own. The words were cruel and mocking. I heard, “It is too late.”  “God has given you many chances to repent, to turn to Him … but no more.” I would knock on the door and no one would answer.

Images of my life flashed through my mind. I saw all the times I had heard the gospel and refused to give my life over to God. I was in great distress and anguish. The accusing thoughts would not cease. I felt trapped and helpless. I felt like my situation was completely hopeless. This went on for two days and for those two days I could not sleep.

Going on the third day – I was mentally and physically exhausted. The flood of thoughts, the accusing voices and the images were coming fast and were constant that whole time. Imagine a radio turned up full volume and nothing but unpleasant noise in your head for two solid days.  That’s as close as I can describe it.

I felt so hopeless and I remember crying out to God. I said, “To the real God, I beg You to give me another chance.”

 

The cruel, demonic voices ceased immediately. The constant flood of “noise” ceased. For the first time in over two days I slept. December 7th 2011 I was born again, praise God!

I have known God’s plan of salvation for most of my life. Knowing what to do and doing something about it are of course, two very different things.

I now believe with all my heart that the blood Christ shed cleanses us from all our sins – past, present and future. I believe that when Christ died on the cross, he took the penalty of our sins upon Himself. He willingly sacrificed His perfect, sinless life for us while we were yet spiritually dead in our trespasses and sins. He overcame death and the grave on the third day.  He was in the tomb. He is alive. He is life and He is coming to deliver us from the judgment soon to come upon this world.

Everything is new. I have experienced the deep unconditional love and acceptance of God. This is something that goes beyond human understanding.  I can’t think of a word that can fully describe what it’s like to know the God of the universe. I have an understanding of holy scripture (The Bible) like never before and I clearly understood the plan Satan had for my life.

I have a deep sense of peace. Knowing Jesus Christ as MY Personal Saviour is a real experience. I know I am loved. The burden of shame and oppression has lifted for the first time in my life. I would not trade my relationship with Jesus Christ for all the gold in the world. I mean that with every fiber of my being. I love Jesus and NOW know I am loved and accepted by Him, The Father, and The Holy Spirit – the eternal Godhead.  He wants YOU knowing the same thing … but it’s up to YOU.  He’s waiting to give it to you.  It’s only about 18 inches away.