The Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest’s collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest’s neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, “Do you know why I am wearing that?”

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, “It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months.”

Hear Say

The judge read the charges, then asked, “Are you the defendant in this case?”

“No sir, your honor, sir,” replied Bob, “I’ve got a lawyer to do the defendin’. I’m the guy who done it.”

Telemarketer Making A Killing

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, “Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?” This didn’t sound anything like my name, so I asked, “Who is calling?”

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, “Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.”

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

  Coronavirus One-Liners Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the Finnish line. There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of the “quaranteens.” World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I’ll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
 I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst Kase scenario.

In my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now you fart to cover up a cough.

The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.   Sucker Punch A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.”

He choked on his all-day sucker and would have fallen off the carousel, but the security guard caught him lollygagging around.

Q: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
A: The one on the range.


Q: What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
A: Nobody Knows!

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

The image of you playing Frisbee with a dog isn’t so farfetched.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

A fool and his money are some party.

Perforation is a rip off.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roaming Catholic.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?: Sir Render.
Which knight is never killed in battle? A: Sir Vivor.

Which knight is always startled? A: Sir Prise

            How Many Women Can A Man Marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
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Q: What do the letters D.A.M. stand for?

A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

__________________

                                    THE QUILT
As I faced my Maker at last judgement, I knelt before the Lord along with the other souls . Before each of us laid our lives, like the squares of a quilt. An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and all the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of the truth …The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.
My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and death, and false accusations that took from me my world as I knew it.
I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I had spent many lonely nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully: each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgemental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it had been…I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with eyes opened wide.
Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, The Face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with love and warmth in his eyes. He said: “Every time you gave over your life to me, it became my life, my hardships, and my struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let me shine thru, until there was more of me than there was of you.” – AUTHOR UNKNOWN –

 

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