Random Robby Ramblings

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

To do list

  1. Buy a turtle 2. Name it ‘The speed of light
    3. Be able to honestly say I can run faster than the speed of light

When a turtle dies It goes into riga-tortoise

Why did the turtle cross the road – to get to a Shell Station

Finally! I realize why I look so bad in pictures. It’s my face.

Somethings Different between a Well-dressed man and a tired dog? The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In an emergency, notify:” I always put, “DOCTOR.”

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.


Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Younger Perspective


Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

The second kid then asks, “What are you in for?”

The first kid says, “a circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

———————-

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.

When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

__________________________

A grandma and her 5-year-old grandson were taking a walk in the country just after the first heavy frost had dyed the foliage and given it a brilliantly colored, crazy quilt appearance.

“Just think,” the grandma marveled, gazing at a scarlet and gold-tinted hillside, “God painted all that.”

“Yes,” the boy agreed, “and He even did it with His left hand.”

“What do you mean ‘He did it with His left hand’?” she asked, somewhat puzzled by the remark.

“Well,” he replied reasonably, “at Sunday School, the teacher told us that Jesus is sitting on the right hand of God!”

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.”

Ben Wondering

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating at A Top Level Office downtown. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Top Level security stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the office.

Harold & Jan – Just a Coincidence – (Not)

In Mocksville a state trooper pulled over Harold and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which Harold replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

3’s Company

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains…….

“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

The Ticket

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little anxious to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he’d never seen in uniform.

“Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.”

“Hello, Jack.” No smile.

“Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Bob seemed uncertain. Good. “I’ve seen some long days at the office lately. I’m afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once.” Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. “Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.”

Ouch! This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

“What’d you clock me at?”

“Seventy-one. Would you sit back in your car, please?”

“Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.” The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

“Please, Jack, in the car.”

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn’t he asked for a driver’s license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

“Thanks.” Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

“Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it – a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I’m going to have to wait until heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I’ve tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. . . Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left. Bob”

Jack…twisted around in time to see Bob’s car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care.