That’ll Teach You
Johnny’s teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked “Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?”
“They was in, but they is out now,” he answered.
The teacher gasped, “Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is ‘They were in, but they are out now.’ Where’s your grammar?”
“She’s upstairs taking her nap.”
Fuelishness
A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre!
He managed to smuggle the artwork past security, but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.
When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied:
“Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)
Math Destruction
Our school’s math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. “Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
Deadwood
Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.”
Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”
Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Cornona Corner
Went to a new restaurant called “My Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
What are murder hornets? And how much toilet paper do I need to buy?
Waiting on my murder hornet stimulus check.
During these uncertain times, the only thing that could be worse is if the murder hornets are attracted to hand sanitizer.
My father-in-law called me the other day because he thought he was sick. With all that’s going on he was a little panicked to say the least.
So I remained calm and asked him if he had a fever. He said he didn’t know. So I told him to go take his temperature and call me back.
After a few minutes, he called back with an inquiry, “Can I use a meat thermometer? I’m made of meat so that’ll work, right?”
“What?! Are you messing with me? And please don’t tell me that you already tried to use it and now it’s stuck in your thigh, butt-cheek, or worse?
He jumped right in with, “No, I was asking for a friend… and because I don’t have a thermometer.”
I just couldn’t believe it. “You don’t have a thermometer?! You got 27 Elvis Presley commemorative plates, but no thermometer?”
I had to do something. So I ran him over my thermometer. So after I dropped it off, in about a minute I got a call from my patient with good news… 98.5! He was cool as a cucumber. And all it took was a quick temperature taking. Peace of mind in priceless. And if the situation was reversed he could of been in real trouble without even knowing if he did indeed have a fever.
The next day he called me again to thank me for the thermometer and looking out for him. I told him it was no trouble and he had to promise me to keep the Flexi-TempCheck Digital Thermometer and replace the meat thermometer that was certainly residing in his medicine cabinet.
Step By Step Instructions
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”
The student replied, “Big ones.”
Church Band Aides
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on “dedicating yourselves to service” and the Choir Director chose to sing: “I Shall Not Be Moved.”
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on “giving.” Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: “Jesus Paid It All.”
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on “the sin of gossiping.”
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: “I Love To Tell The Story.”
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: “Why Not Tonight.”
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”
Bad Banana
A Young Texan Buss Worker collects tickets on his local Bus Line. He rings the bell for the driver to set off just at the moment when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the Texan is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
“Well” says the Texan, “is that your packed lunch over there?”
“Yes” answers the executioner.
“Can I have that green banana?” the Texan asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.
“Can I go?” the man asks.
“I suppose so” says the executioner, “that’s never happened before.”
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The Texan is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
“What is your final wish?” asks the executioner.
“Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?” says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The Texan eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the Texan gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
“What’s your final wish?” asks the executioner.
“Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?”
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
“I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand. How you can still be alive after all that?” He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it?” he asked.
“Nahh” said the Texan,”…I’m just a really bad conductor.
Flake News
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it’s surprising there aren’t more mistakes.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:
- IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”
2.From a California bar association’s newsletter: Correction — the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: “Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m.” Please orrect to read “12 noon.”
3. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.
4. In Frank Washburn’s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
5. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler’s Mother, not Hitler’s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.
6. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
7. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
8. Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”
News: a monkey at the zoo backed into a fan. Details to follow.
Miss Independence
By Robby Dilmore
At the age of 41 with a Lymphoma diagnosis and the on-start of chemo-therapy my wife Tammy and I were told that, besides fighting for my life the result would leave me sterile unable to have any more children naturally. This was definitely a heart break especially for my wife who always wanted a big family and we were really loving the two children we had, Robby and Tess who were at the time seven and six years old. My wife really shines when it comes to babies, in fact I would say it is the way that my wife reflects God’s glory it’s her awesome sauce, Tammy can hold babies and get more out of it than anything I know. No doubt the story of my healing from Lymphoma and being crushed by a Jeep were miraculous for me, but for Tammy, especially enlarging our family was a gigantic concern.
So we prayed, but like many prayers I wish I could tell you I had great faith that God would come through, but this was one, I honestly figured wasn’t happening. Two years later I was now forty three and Tammy was 35 one night Tammy asked me to take the whole family to Outback Steak House for dinner, including her brother and his family a little strange but I wanted to please my wife and I agreed . Once there she dropped a simple comment I thought, “You are going to be a dad”..
I thought, “well duh, isn’t that a bit obvious”. Then came ‘The LOOK’, “oh you mean I am going to be a dad”. Now, it was coming into focus. “What, How, You can’t be serious?” I reasoned, again, ‘The LOOK’. How exciting, we really were overjoyed once again God had come through way above and beyond my expectations.
Now came the task of naming the new baby, with a big brother and sister we enlisted their help. Our daughter Tess said she knew a great name. “Mariah”.
You see we live in North Carolina and for years we had loved taking our children to a ‘Wild West’ amusement park in the Blue Ridge Mountains near Boone, called, ‘Tweetsie Railroad’. A cowboy there found out my daughter’s name was Tess and every time he would see us, (which was a lot, we had season passes), he would sing a lyric from a song from the Movie, Paint Your Wagon; “They Call The Wind Mariah”. He would sing, “The rain is Tess the fire is Joe and they call the wind Mariah.” So perhaps Tess figured we would go on and have another child as well and call him Joe. None the less, Tess sold us all on the name Mariah.
Tammy’s due date was July 6th but as determined as Tess was that the name be Mariah or Joe, Tammy was as determined that this baby be born on the 4th of July. So when we went to a rodeo July 3rd 1999, Tammy had us go up and down the bleachers a few times to jostle the baby into position for a Firecracker Start so to speak. It worked and later that night she went into labor. We had never discovered any of our children’s gender ahead of time so we had decided on Noah if a boy or Tess’ choice, Mariah if a girl and sure enough shortly after 1pm on the 4th of July Mariah Notley Dilmore was born. Mariah’s birth was certainly a miracle, but God had some icing He yet wanted to put on this red, white and blue birthday cake.
That fall my other two children Robby and Tess were in a school play at Calvary Baptist Day school. The basic premise of their play was a historical trip through the Old Testament. Shortly into the story as you may imagine they were depicting the story of Abraham and Isaac specifically when Abraham was to sacrifice Isaac. I knew the story very well and could have almost narrated it, yet there was one detail that God still had for me. Gen 22:14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.” Then the children said Mount Moriah.
Like a rocket going off in my mind was the significance of these before perceived random details that I now knew to be tiny brush strokes of the Master. I now marvel at the brush stroke of a daughter at an older age, like Abraham and Isaac and with me laughing at the thought of having another child after my bout with cancer and chemotherapy. The brush stroke of life itself as perhaps it looked like our family would be down to three, we now were five. The brush stroke of provision, God knew all along that He had provided and so it was with her name, Mariah, perhaps spelled differently but I got the point.
That moment sitting in the dark while everyone else was following the next scene of the play the tears were flowing in my pew as heaven touched earth in my heart my eyes were opened to the tiny brush strokes of the Master.
Tags: #christianhumor, #churchbulletinjokes, #cleanjokes, #devotionalhumor, Christian Humor, Church Bulletin Jokes, Clean Jokes, God Stories
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