Random Robby Ramblings

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

She suffers in silence louder than anyone I know.

Is a bee on a bad hair day called a Frizzbee… This could be bee Hair-esy or his Hair-etage and those Honey Combs make it sticky

Who did Princess Leia’s hair?  Darth Braider.

Sign outside a hair salon: We’ll color your hair or dye trying.

I’m so awkward when people compliment me: Them: “Nice hair!” Me: “Thanks, I grew it myself.”

How did one hair propose to another? “I love you unconditionally!”

The six worst years of my life – Third Grade

Prodigaly Speaking

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, “Throwing wide his arms, the father said…”

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

Not By The Hair of His Chinny

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, “Notice anything different?”

To which she replied, “No,” with a puzzled look on her face.

My husband then said to her, “My beard’s gone.”

Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, “I didn’t take it!”

Kids’ Deep Thoughts

— Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” —

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. — Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. — Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15

Messing With Rules

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

Kiss & Tell

Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.

“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.

“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”

“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”

“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”

“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.

“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”

Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”

“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfill her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.

After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.

“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do..”

“I got one too… see?” the Texan says.

“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”

“You got a fax machine?” asks the Texan.

“Why, actually, yes, I do.”

“I do too! See? Its right here!” brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?”

The guy in the Rolls replies, “NO! Do you?”

“Yep, got my double bed right in back here,” the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

======================= (It’s ok… The joke is CLEAN.) ===================

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan, “What’s up?”

“Check this out…I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”

The Texan exclaims, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?”

The Toothless Grin

I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces. A nicely dressed little girl was excitedly looking through the Barbie dolls as well, with a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand. When she came upon a Barbie she liked, she would turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it.

He usually said “yes,” but she would keep looking and keep going through their ritual of “do I have enough?” As she was looking, a little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokemon toys. He was dressed neatly, but in clothes that were obviously rather worn, and wearing a jacket that was probably a couple of sizes too small. He too had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so at the most. He was with his father as well, and kept picking up the Pokemon video toys. Each time he picked one up and looked at his father, his father shook his head, “No.”

The little girl had apparently chosen her Barbie, a beautifully dressed, glamorous doll that would have been the envy of every little girl on the block. However, she had stopped and was watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. Rather dejectedly, the boy had given up on the video games and had chosen what looked like a book of stickers instead. He and his father then started walking through another aisle of the store.

The little girl put her Barbie back on the shelf, and ran over to the Pokemon games. She excitedly picked up one that was lying on top of the other toys, and raced toward the check-out, after speaking with her father. I picked up my purchases and got in line behind them. Then, much to the little girl’s obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me.

After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled and put the package under the counter.

I paid for my purchases and was rearranging things in my purse when the little boy came up to the cashier. The cashier rang up his purchases and then said, “Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!” With that, she handed the little boy the Pokemon game, and he could only stare in disbelief. It was, he said, exactly what he had wanted!

The little girl and her father had been standing at the doorway during all of this, and I saw the biggest, prettiest, toothless grin on that little girl that I have ever seen in my life. Then they walked out the door, and I followed close behind them. As I walked back to my car in amazement over what I had just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I’ll never forget what she said to him.

“Daddy, didn’t Nana and PawPaw want me to buy something that would make me happy?”

He said, “Of course they did, honey.”

To which the little girl replied, “Well, I just did!”

With that, she giggled and started skipping toward their car. Her toothless grin said it all. Apparently, she had decided on the answer to her own question of, “Do I have enough?”

I feel very privileged to have witnessed the true spirit of Christmas in that toy store, in the form of a little girl who understands more about the reason for the season than most adults I know!

Written by Sharon Palmer