Random Robby Ramblings

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.

How does Star Fleet pay the crew of the USS Enterprise? Star Bucks

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

Go out there and be the surprise onion ring in someone’s French fries today.

Red onions are clearly purple.

A few more generations and no one will know what clockwise is anymore

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

My granddad always said, “When one door closes, another door opens.” Great Guy. Terrible cabinet maker.


The Tooth, The Whole Tooth, And Nothing But


As a busy homeschooling mother of 10, I often forget to play tooth fairy at the appropriate times. On such occasions, the attached letter mysteriously appears to explain the Tooth Fairy’s delay. The letter usually turns a frown into a gap-toothed grin and the child is encouraged to try again another night.

Dear _____:

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of children’s lost teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below:

[ ] it was not a human tooth

[ ] we do not consider pieces of chicken bone amusing

[ ] we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

[ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

[ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you

[ ] the tooth was too fragile to move due to excessive cavities

[ ] the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

[ ] this tooth has been reported missing from the dinosaur exhibit at your local museum

[ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy

[ ] you were age 18 or older at the time your request was received

[ ] OSHA rules prohibit fairies from entering bedrooms labeled “hazardous waste disposal area”

[ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog

[ ] we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] wire
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] acid

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

Lt. Flossie Fairy
President
Tooth Fairy Union #32

Edna’s Funeral Surprise


The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.
But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above-mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Mary”s to Edna”s. And so it was.

Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: “He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”

Cop Comebacks


These comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor…

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey doodoo.’

“Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Unbeatable


A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Dusk turns to evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide hollers this time, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, “Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”

Dead Pan
I had been walking for miles after my car broke down coming back from a hectic day of exhausting meetings hours out of town. Plus, my phone had died.

Since leaving my vehicle the weather had turned and I could see a downpour was inevitable before I would find a place to call for help. So I decided to try hitchhiking.

The first 5 or 6 cars passed me by, the drivers staring forward pretending to not see me. But eventually someone did pull over and just in time! As I got into the car the first couple of expected raindrops fell on the hood and windshield.

As we pulled away from the side of the road the driver asked me, “Aren’t you afraid I might be a serial killer?”

Looking dead ahead, I replied, “The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely!”

The absolute silence in the car, as we travelled to the next town, was the most peaceful part of my whole day!

WHY HE CARRIED THE TURKEY


By James Baldwin (this short story is from his book Fifty Famous People – A Book of Short Stories, 1912 and is in the Public Domain)


In Richmond, Virginia, one Saturday morning, an old man went into the market to buy something. He was dressed plainly, his coat was worn, and his hat was dingy. On his arm he carried a small basket.
“I wish to get a fowl for to-morrow’s dinner,” he said.
The market man showed him a fat turkey, plump and white and ready for roasting.
“Ah! that is just what I want,” said the old man. “My wife will be delighted with it.”
He asked the price and paid for it. The market man wrapped a paper round it and put it in the basket.
Just then a young man stepped up. “I will take one of those turkeys,” he said. He was dressed in fine style and carried a small cane.
“Shall I wrap it up for you?” asked the market man.
“Yes, here is your money,” answered the young gentleman; “and send it to my house at once.”
“I cannot do that,” said the market man. “My errand boy is sick to- day, and there is no one else to send. Besides, it is not our custom to deliver goods.”
“Then how am I to get it home?” asked the young gentleman.
“I suppose you will have to carry it yourself,” said the market man. “It is not heavy.”
“Carry it myself! Who do you think I am? Fancy me carrying a turkey along the street!” said the young gentleman; and he began to grow very angry. The old man who had bought the first turkey was standing quite near. He had heard all that was said.
“Excuse me, sir,” he said; “but may I ask where you live?”
“I live at Number 39, Blank Street,” answered the young gentleman; “and my name is Johnson.”
“Well, that is lucky,” said the old man, smiling. “I happen to be going that way, and I will carry your turkey, if you will allow me.”
“Oh, certainly!” said Mr. Johnson. “Here it is. You may follow me.”
When they reached Mr. Johnson’s house, the old man politely handed him the turkey and turned to go.
“Here, my friend, what shall I pay you?” said the young gentleman.
“Oh, nothing, sir, nothing,” answered the old man. “It was no trouble to me, and you are welcome.”
He bowed and went on. Young Mr. Johnson looked after him and wondered. Then he turned and walked briskly back to the market.
“Who is that polite old gentleman who carried my turkey for me?” he asked of the market man.
“That is John Marshall, Chief Justice of the United States. He is one of the greatest men in our country,” was the answer.
The young gentleman was surprised and ashamed. “Why did he offer to carry my turkey?” he asked.
“He wished to teach you a lesson,” answered the market man.
“What sort of lesson?” “He wished to teach you that no man should feel himself too fine to carry his own packages.”
“Oh, no!” said another man who had seen and heard it all. “Judge Marshall carried the turkey simply because he wished to be kind and obliging. That is his way.”