Random Robby Ramblings

Taxes are a yearly subscription to the country you live in. Childhood is the free trial.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

What do you call a human skull without a hundred billion neurons? A no-brainer.

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.

Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.

Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet

Playing Pool

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor.

“I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day,” the man explained. “But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I’m gonna explode. Am I crazy?”

“Not at all,” the doctor said. “You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome.”

Beauty

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!”

The wife responded calmly, “Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and you can’t remember the rest.

You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.

You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

WORDS That Ought To Be

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Taxing Colors

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an
American.

“Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them.”

The American nodded. “It’s the same in the USA, only we see stars too!”

Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?  They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

The Hatfull Man

It’s been a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

You May Be Getting Older “IF”

You’ve noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.

Your bed has more options than your car.

You discover that the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag,” and “by cracky” have begun creeping into your vocabulary.

You hear yourself saying, “Why, I remember when….” more than three times a day.

The Dark Candle

A man had a little daughter–an only and much beloved child. He lived only for her, she was his life. So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of the best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.

His best efforts proved fruitless, however, and the child died. The father was totally irreconcilable. He became a bitter recluse, shutting himself away from his many friends, refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to his normal self.

Then one night he had a dream. He was in heaven and witnessing a grand pageant of all the little child angels. They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne. Every white-robed, angelic tot carried a candle. He noticed, however, that one child’s candle was not lit. Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl. Rushing towards her, while the pageant faltered, he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly, and asked, “How is that your candle is the only one not lit?” “Father, they often relight it, but your tears always put it out again,” she said.

Just then he awoke from from his dream. The lesson was crystal clear, and it’s effects were immediate. From that hour on he was no longer a recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates. No longer would his little darling’s candle be extingushed by his useless tears.

– Written by Odain –