Random Robby Ramblings

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m Old.

I met the love of my life when I visited the zoo. She was standing by the giraffe enclosure wearing her uniform. Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

‘Exercise!’ I thought you said, ‘Extrafries

I visited the zoo the other day and I saw a loaf of sourdough in a cage. I read the sign below and it said “bread in captivity”

Did you hear that Postman Pat was fired from his weekend job at the zoo? He wouldn’t address the elephant in the room.

My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I just learned that french fries are not from France at all. They were first cooked in Greece.

People often ask me how I smuggle chocolate into the cinema? Well…..I have a few twix up my sleeve.

I met a man selling candy canes. They were all in mint condition.

Sound Advice

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $10, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

GUMPOLOGY

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him and says that before he passes through the gates, he must first answer these three questions:

1. How many days in a week start with a “T”?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What was Jesus’ first name?

Peter: “So what is the answer to the first question?”

Forrest: “Two. Today and Tomorrow.”

Peter: “Okay, that’s not exactly what I was looking for, but it’s right. So what’s the answer to the second question, Forrest?”

Forrest: “12.”

Peter: “How do you figure that, Forrest?”

Forrest: “Ya know, January 2nd, February 2nd…”

Peter: “Well, that’s not what I was really looking for, but it’ll do. So what is Jesus’ first name?”

Forrest: “Andy!”

Peter: “Where do you get Andy from, Forrest?”

Forrest: “In a song it said ‘Andy walked with me, Andy talked with me…'”

CRY Uncle

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious.

When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! – a boy and a girl. We couldn’t reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother … he’s not very bright!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Psychic Hotline

The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

The callers would often reply with something like, “I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong … Oh!” (Click)

I’ll Be Dog Done

A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.

“Right!” exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Fitness Teacher

There was a teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was finally on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.”

The Man and His Birds- WRITTEN BY PAUL HARVEY –

Now the man to whom I’m going to introduce you was not a scrooge. He was a kind, decent, mostly good man, generous to his family and upright in his dealings with other men. But he just didn’t believe all that incarnation stuff which the churches proclaim at Christmas time. It just didn’t make sense, and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just couldn’t swallow the Jesus story, about God coming to earth as a man.

“I’m truly sorry to distress you,” he told his wife, “but I’m not going with you to church this Christmas Eve.” He said he’d feel like a hypocrite and that he’d much rather just stay at home, but that he would wait up for them. And so he stayed, and they went to the midnight service.

Shortly after the family drove away in the car, snow began to fall. He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier and then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper. Minutes later, he was startled by a thudding sound. Then another, and then another. Sort of a thump or a thud. At first he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window.

But when he went to the front door to investigate, he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They’d been caught in the storm and, in a desperate search for shelter, had tried to fly through his large landscape window. Well, he couldn’t let the poor creatures lie there and freeze, so he remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony. That would provide a warm shelter, if he could direct the birds to it.

Quickly he put on a coat and galoshes and tramped through the deepening snow to the barn. He opened the doors wide and turned on a light, but the birds did not come in. He figured food would entice them in. So he hurried back to the house, fetched bread crumbs and sprinkled them on the snow, making a trail to the yellow-lighted, wide-open doorway of the stable. But to his dismay, the birds ignored the bread crumbs and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow.

He tried catching them. He tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms. Instead, they scattered in every direction, except into the warm, lighted barn. And then, he realized, that they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a strange and terrifying creature. If only I could think of someway to let them know that they can trust me – that I am not trying to hurt them, but to help them. But how, because any move he made tended to frighten and confuse them. They just would not follow. They would not be led or shooed because they feared him.

“If only I could be a bird,” he thought to himself, “and mingle with them and speak their language. Then I could tell them not to be afraid. Then I could show them the way to the safe, warm . . .  . . .  . . . to the safe, warm barn. But I would have to be one of them so they could see, and hear and understand.”

At that moment, the church bells began to ring. The sound reached his ears above the sounds of the wind. And he stood there listening to the bells – listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. And he sank to his knees in the snow.;