2nd Graders Answer Questions About Moms

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related!
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between Moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

Mom’s Don’t Want To Hear

I swallowed a goldfish.

Your lipstick works better than crayons.

Does grape juice leave a stain???

But DAD says that word all the time.

Has anyone seen my snake

I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

 

Plumber

A homeowner phones a plumber: “Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?”

The plumber replied, “You know I’m always at your disposal.”

I’m  Number One in Number 2

A Straight Flush beats a full house

Hauling Political Promises Since 1922

Q: What do you call a Fairy that doesn’t take baths?

A: Stinkerbell.

Q: Why did Donald Duck go to college?

A: He wanted to be a wise quacker.

 

Medical Definitions

ANTIBODY – against everyone

BENIGN – what you be after you be eight

BOWEL – letters like a,e,i,o,u

CAESARIAN SECTION – a district in Rome

CHRONIC – neck of a crow

COMA – punctuation mark

CORTISONE – area around local courthouse

CYST – short for sister

DIAGNOSIS – person with a slanted nose

DILATE – the late British princess

DISLOCATION – in this place

DUODENUM – couple in jeans

ENEMA – not a friend

FALSE LABOR – pretending to work

GALL BLADDER – bladder in a girl

GENES – blue denim

HERNIA – she is close by

LABOR PAIN – hurt at work

LACTOSE – person without digits on the foot

LYMPH – walk unsteadily

MICROBES – small dressing gowns

PROTEIN – in favour of teens

SECRETION – hiding anything

SERUM – sailors’ drink

SUBCUTANEOUS – not cute enough

TUMOR – extra pair

ULTRASOUND – radical noise

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.  Isaiah 66:13 : From Guidepost

When Leah, our daughter-in-law-to-be, told me of plans for the wedding reception, she mentioned there would be a special time when, as the mother of the groom, I would dance with our son Jeff.

At first I thought, Oh, no, me out there on the dance floor with everyone watching!  But, as the time approached, I began to look forward to the dance. How special to have a few minutes with Jeff at the reception, perhaps the last few moments I’d get to spend with him before they left on their honeymoon and settled into their home in Colorado.

I imagined the profound and wonderful things I might say to Jeff during those moments.

The wedding festivities went by in a blur, and finally the time came for our dance. As I reached up to my son’s tall shoulder and he grasped my right hand, all of the things I’d planned to say to him evaporated.

Instead, I found myself asking with concern, “I noticed you’ve been so busy you haven’t eaten. Aren’t you hungry?”

“I haven’t eaten all day,” he admitted, “but it’s okay. They’re putting together a basket of food from the reception for us to take in the car with us.”

Looking down at his shoes I asked, “Do your feet hurt?”

“No, they’re fine,” he answered.

Soon the dance was over, and my friend Charlene was eager to know what Jeff and I had said. When I repeated the conversation, I laughed. Out there on the dance floor, I had asked my twenty-three-year-old son, who was an Air Force officer and a brand-new husband, if he was hungry or if his feet hurt!

I sat down and took off my own too-tight shoes, then reconsidered my seemingly wasted opportunity. Perhaps it had been just right after all. During that dance, I had unconsciously performed my last act of mothering by revisiting my first.

When our children are newborns, our questions are always, “Are they hungry? Are they hurt?” And as they grow, these questions grow into prayers that fit each new stage of their lives: “God, fill them and comfort them.”

I put my shoes back on and made sure the basket of food was tucked into the backseat of Jeff and Leah’s car before Jeff’s college buddies started “decorating” it with plastic wrap. I was the one who borrowed the scissors from the receptionist so Jeff and Leah could cut the wrap to open the car door. After all, the need for parenting never really ends, not even with a final dance.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the generous hearts of mothers. And give me also a heart of love for all who are hungry and hurt.