For many years I have done a devotional at an assisted living facility in Mocksville. When I first started a friend shared that the residents love it when you give them something to hold onto after you leave. Thus I began writing down the jokes and cute stories I would open the devotion with and printing them for the residents. To say they were a big hit would be an understatement, I became known as  “The man with the Papers”.

 

Over the years I have collected quite a few and thought that they would be a cool resource for someone who wants to do a devotional somewhere.

 

So here is my collection in progress, yes they are all plagiarized and taken from other devotional sites, emails and anything else I came across.. The good news is they are edited for devotional use and words changed to not offend if possible…

 

PLEASE, PLEASE Copy and paste at will and go make someone laugh, cry or just plain Glorify God…. Love, Robby

I Noah Guy….

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

What king of money do fishermen make? Net profits!
Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska? Because they have Fairbanks!
Why did the mobster put his money in the freezer? He liked cold hard cash!
Why did the millionaire count his money with his toes? So it wouldn’t slip through his fingers!
Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank!
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!
Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it’s ripe!
Why are men like bank accounts? Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest!
Why did the banker cross the road? He didn’t have any cents (sense)!
Why did the banker jump into the swimming pool? He wanted to float a loan!
What’s the difference between a speed bump and a banker? Nobody slows down to drive over a banker!
Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway!
Why did the banker push the lady over? She asked him to check her balance!
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Give me the good news,” said the patient.
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.
How do you know when it’s time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to “do your share”.
A man had his credit card stolen. He decided not to report it, however, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic jam!
Why did the giraffe graduate early? He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class!
Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet smell!
Did you hear about the race between two giraffes? It was neck and neck!
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride!
Who’s That Guy With The Knife? By Robby Dilmore
I would suppose like most folks I seemed to be born with fears I couldn’t understand very real fears and up until 2005 one of my worst was, “fear of the dark”. At six foot five and two hundred fifty pounds you wouldn’t think it, but my wife would tell you that for years if I herd a noise downstairs, I would send her. Well, what can I say, but that was the way it was, I knew it wasn’t logical but fear is fear. You could find me hiding under the covers on many a creepy night if it was dark, something had me creeped out, I had no idea what but it I was scared, really scared.

One night it all came to a head, my wife was out of town and we lived in a particularly dark and creepy old house, rain, lighting, you get the picture, in my case, pure terror. Having just begun my walk with Christ I had herd that we were supposed to lay our fears at his feet and I was more than ready to oblige.
So I remember praying, “Lord I don’t know how, but I would really like to give You this fear.”
Surprisingly, God answered me, (which had me even more scared). “Robby, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“Someone could walk in here with a knife and whack, thump, bash, hit, gouge!” I said very animatedly.
Then God said the words that literally changed my life, “Robby, what would be so bad about that?”
For the first time in my life I thought about my own death as a Christian and that I would get to see His Face. Why, I had never thought of that, that, “to die was gain”. Although I didn’t suddenly lose that fear, I was able to go to sleep that night and the healing had begun, “perfect love drives out fear” 1John 4:18. Over the next few years I grew and healed and it’s been years now since it bothered me. Yet, that understanding of my own mortality was critical to the life lesson plan God has me on.
Right at a year later I needed that for I had been getting what looked like flat sores all over me. Very quickly I went from a few sores to dozens. They didn’t hurt but they rose up flat and red from beneath my skin. I thought it was a weird rash but my wife insisted I go to the dermatologist. So the dermatologist took a biopsy and it just happened to be a weekend so the results didn’t come until the following Monday a conversation you never forget. “Mr. Dilmore we need you to come down to the office to get your test results”. The nurse said.
With my puffed up view of my position in life I responded, “I am a very busy man I have a dealership to run here, you can give me the results on the phone, I’m a big boy.”
“Mr. Dilmore you have lymphoma.” She said calmly and nicely I might ad considering how I had spoken to her.
My response is almost comical now, “what’s lymphoma?”
“It’s cancer of the lymph system.” She again said calmly.
“I’ll be right there.” I assured her, all of the sudden my position, my everything changed and truly changed for all time, I had the time to see any doctor they needed me to.
This began a crazy journey any cancer survivor understands. Phone calls, life and death discussions with loved ones. All sorts of tests all sorts of waiting, waiting on results, waiting on another treatment, waiting on another test to see if that treatment helped, and a very clear understanding of why they call you a “patient”. All this comes when someone mentions the “C” word attached to your name.
My older sister worked at the University of Michigan hospital so I was able to send her the pathology report on the type of cancer, the cell type etc… Angiocentric Cutaneous T-cell lymphoma a non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma…
When my sister shared that this was sometimes known as extranodal natural killer cell lymphoma a very rare disease and the few cases in the U.S. had no survivor over a few of months. Surprisingly my mind immediately went back to the lesson in the dark creepy house. “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” That may be hard to understand but it was truly my mind set. Yes, my wife and family were heavy on my mind but as for me, I get to see Jesus.
Now as for the faith to be healed, sorry to tell you it wasn’t the case here. Although tons of folks were praying for me and bringing me all kinds of concoctions, I was pretty settled in on the chemo therapy treatment and what my oncologist was recommending. God had other plans, that is for sure.
The Friday before I was to receive my first chemo treatment a little white haired man came into the showroom at the dealership I was working at. He was acquainted with Joe my finance manager because Joe went to his church, Reynolda Presbyterian, so he walked straight up to Joe and told him, “The Lord has told me that someone at Bob Neil Chrysler needs a healing and I have come to Lay Hands on them and anoint them with oil.”
Joe, responded with, “it must be Robby Dilmore he has a deadly form of cancer.”
Now, again I’ll say that not only did I not have the faith to be healed but I also was clue free on the, anoint with oil and lay hands on practice and scripture. So honestly, I thought the whole thing was weird and certainly had no expectation of an actual healing. However, it couldn’t hurt so I went through it. So yes I did feel something spiritual in the process and got up with a different expectation but I couldn’t really put a finger on it.
Many, many folks were praying and I will not know this side of heaven exactly what did it but God. What I do know is that Friday I was covered with tumors, thick round red tumors in my skin especially on my back side, (sorry to give you that picture). Monday morning when I went to the oncologist for my first treatment they were gone, yes gone, never to return as a matter of fact here we are 17 years later.
They still wanted me to take the chemo and I did, they did a biopsy on one of the places still scarred by a tumor and when that pathology came back the Doctor said that the cells had changed and went cannibal on themselves, eating the cancer cells themselves. Way over my head for sure, (I didn’t even know lymphoma was cancer at the onset of this thing). One thing I can surely testify to; God is in control of cancer.
So who is the guy with the knife you ask? I would say, “what is your biggest fear, what is the worst that can happen?”
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

 

Steeple Chase
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”
How The Killer Was Nailed
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

  Mixed Bag

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator? I don’t know, but don’t try to fix its bow tie.
Kw-and-penguin
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch!
Hatch who?
Bless you, but please cover your mouth next time.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by now!
Knock, Knock.
Who’s There?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it’s tweetable.”

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated.

What goes zzub zzub? A bee flying backwards!
What kind of bees live in graveyards? Zom-bees!
How do bees get married? They are bee-trothed!
Where do bees cook their dinner? On the bar-bee-que!
What does a bee sit on? Its bee-hind!
What do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
Why did the bee go to the dermatologist? Because it had hives!
   Tunnel To China by Robby Dilmore
When a ten year old boy starts digging a hole something magical happens. My sister was planting a garden behind the garage and so I went back there to the loose soil, shovel in hand and the further I dug the more visions of adventure filled my mind. Imagine, if I dug far enough I would be in China, how cool would that be. Just imagine a tunnel to China right here in Naperville, Illinois. Maybe I’ll strike oil like the “The Beverly Hillbillies”, the next thing you know young Bruce’s a million heir. Gold, silver who knows what treasure awaits. Each shovel full of dirt brought more excitement. Worms, white grubs, the mystery of what kind of critter I could dig up kept me going for another hundred shovels full, maybe a mummy or a dinosaur. I might just find a civil war cannon or a musket. I’ll bet anything Jim Bowie could have dropped one of those big knives, or pirate treasure, “that’s it, ‘X’ marks the spot”, surely there was treasure here; I could feel it in my 10 year old bones. Wow, a whole summer to dig the world’s deepest hole.
.
Dig I did and did and did and sure enough after a couple of days and employing several of the neighborhood kids into the adventure we had our selves a “Hole”, I’m telling you a hole. Four of us could all be digging at the same time and it was getting over our heads. Really, a very cool hole if ever there was one, it had become more of a mine than a hole. Then, all of the sudden, clank and clank the shovels had hit something. This could be it, this thing was big, pirate treasure for sure. We carefully dug all the dirt from around it scarping and digging until it was quite obvious we had hit a huge rock, maybe more of a boulder. We dug around where we could even get under it in some places but this boulder was bigger than all two of us and now what could we do? No way in the world we were going to lift it from the hole even if we could dig it out completely. We were stuck our adventure foiled, no way to make it to China with this boulder in our way.

There is something about a 10 year old boy that just refuses to go ask grownups for help. I was bound and determined this rock was not standing in the way of my tunnel to China. What I needed was fire power, dynamite would do the trick I’d seen it on plenty of it on TV shows and my mom used to tell me that we came from a long line of powder monkeys who worked on the roads in Up State New York; I was born for this kind of work. Dynamite would blow this rock out of the hole my problem solved. Bobby, down the street told me he could get us some M-80’s his family had bought on vacation in another state. Bobby said that one of the M-80’s was as powerful as one fourth a stick of dynamite. Simple enough, I reasoned, then we need four.
Off Bobby went for the M-80’s while we worked on the placement tunneling a shaft under the giant boulder. Not long and Bobby was back with the fire power. Naturally my powder monkey instincts were to get some string to get all the fuses wound together in order to get them all to blow at the same moment and then “BOOM!!!” four would mean an entire stick of dynamite this was going to be epic.
We then slid this minor’s weapon of mass destruction into our specially designed shaft. While the gang ran to the other side of the garage I lit the fuse and ran. In a moment I ran by all of them back across the neighbor’s yard one street over we ran and ran. “Maybe they were duds?” the thoughts flashed as I ran waiting for the explosion. Two streets over still running, it all comes back to me now is super slow motion and, “KABOOOOOM!!!!!”. Even that far away the earth shook, windows rattled I was fairly certain we had set off an earth quake.
Realizing I was born in 1955 and 10 years later it was 1965 do you think it is any coincidence that M-80’s were banned in the US as part of the Child Protection Act of 1966 , just sayin. By all means, kids don’t try this one at home!
In Acts 1:8 – Jesus said, “But you shall receive power (dynamis), after the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and you shall be witnesses unto Me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.”
More than the firepower of those four M-80’s was Sam’s story that night 48 years later. Sam a dear friend was sitting with our band of brothers sharing about his father and how he was struggling to forgive him for something Sam didn’t even know if his father had really ever done. Sam went on to tell about his counseling session and how his counselor had instructed him to reach out to young Sam with Jesus help and allow Jesus to heal and reason with Sam’s younger self to get at a bitter root, (I’ll call it a bitter boulder for the purpose here if you don’t mind) that had kept Sam prisoner. Jesus had come after Sam that very day and now Sam was the “witness” on how Jesus had unearthed this boulder. The real issue turned out to be that Sam was struggling to forgive young Sam for a similar action. WOW what firepower, could it be that Jesus could do that for me? Could Jesus free me from the giant boulder in my life, the one that had always stopped me dead in sin and remorse? The one I was sure I couldn’t be healed from.
Two mornings later at 5am I started to pray and think and ask Jesus to come. Jesus please show me the boulder, like Sam I know you want me to be free. Memories came, more memories, “No that isn’t it, there must be something earlier back, back I went. Then there it was, I had long since buried it. I reasoned with Jesus, “this isn’t it is it?” I would try to go further back but Jesus kept bringing me right back and there I was face to face with the sin, oh I had been tricked into the situation but I was guilty. I was truly guilty.
Jesus said to the younger me, “Bruce, you know you were abused your innocence was stolen.”
I told him sure, “ I can see that now, Jesus”. Satan had clearly put a younger Bruce somewhere he was in no way equipped to know how to react and Bruce had fallen and fallen hard.
Jesus shocked me with the next question, “Do you want your innocence back?” He offered it as a card an ‘innocence card’, “Do you want this?”
My heart wanted the card but my mind objected, “I can’t take it, I was guilty don’t you see I chose that sin and every sin that sprang up after that, Jesus I want it but I am so guilty.”
My mind raced back to a book I had been reading by John Owen the 17th century puritan where I recalled him saying that some of the sins of our sanctification required the deep cleansing of Jesus’ blood. At the time I read that I wondered what he meant but now it rushed like a flood over me at Jesus’ next question. “didn’t I pay enough?” KABOOOOOOM, what ever dynamis, Holy Spirit power is I experienced it at that moment. The boulder uprooted, I reached for my ‘innocence card’ and I have clung onto it ever since. I will wave it at Satan when ever temped, now it is the gift of gifts something I would have never ever believed possible.
Your story, dear reader of how Jesus has set you free could just be the dynamis that person sitting next to you needs. Share it often, share it because the story of God’s dynamis is what Paul was describing in 1:Cor 2:4 “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power.”
You don’t have to know all about God’s plan of salvation or the Roman road to witness, because what Jesus did in your life is DYNAMITE (dynamis) I am telling you.
So, I am sure you are wondering what happened to the giant boulder of Naperville? Sirens and police cars everywhere kept us from returning to the scene of the crime too quickly as we knew M80’s weren’t legal in Illinois. When the smoke cleared, literally, a very sheepish scared gang peeped behind the garage to see our giant boulder was now free from its dark underworld; however our beautiful hole was now destroyed as the sides had all caved in leaving more of a crater than our beautiful shaft to China. How the police or our parents didn’t figure out who was responsible for that explosion goes along with a number of questions I will always ponder. But boy oh boy that was FIREPOWER.

 

 

Grave Humor…Funny Epitaphs
“And away we go!”
Jackie Gleason (1916-1987) was an American comedian best known for his portrayal of Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners. His epitaph is a trademark catchphrase from the popular television show.

“Here lies Matthew Mudd,
Death did him no hurt;
When alive he was only Mudd,
But now he’s only dirt.”

“Here lies George Johnson, hanged by mistake 1882. He was right, we was wrong, but we strung him up and now he’s gone.”
Johnson bought a stolen horse in good faith but the court didn’t buy his story and sentenced him to hang. His final resting place is Boot Hill Cemetery, which is also “home” to many notorious characters of the Wild West, including Billy Clanton and the McLaury brothers, who died in the infamous gunfight at the O.K. Corral.
“There goes the neighborhood.”
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) was an American comedian and actor best known for his deprecating humor and the catchphrase, “I don’t get no respect.”
“Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a 44, no Les, no more.”
The date of birth of this Wells Fargo agent is not recorded, but the cause of his death, in 1880, couldn’t be clearer.
“I told you I was sick.”
Jeremiah Johnson. History unknown.
“Together again.”
Gracie Allen (1895-1964) and George Burns (1896-1996) were a husband and wife comedy team that worked in vaudeville, films, radio and television and achieved great success over four decades. The full epitaph reads: “Gracie Allen & George Burns—Together Again.” George had insisted that Gracie have top billing.
“That’s all folks!”
Mel Blanc (1908-1989) is best remembered for his work at Warner Bros. where he provided voices for such memorable characters as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Sylvester the Cat, and Porky Pig whose stuttered version “Th-th-th-that’s all folks!” is the best remembered version of this Looney Tunes catchphrase.
Mexican Proverbs
“The shrimp that sleeps gets carried by the tide.”
Camarón que se duerme se lo lleva la corriente.
“Fear does not travel by donkey.”
El miedo no anda en burro.
“Breed crows and they will peck out your eyes.”
Cría cuervos y te sacarán los ojos.
“At bad steps, make them quick.”
Al mal paso, darle prisa.
“In a closed mouth, flies do not enter.”
En boca cerrada, no entran moscas.
“Do not ask pears of the elm.”
No le pidas peras al olmo.
Best No Homework Excuse Ever…..
“My mother took it to have it framed.”
What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!
What do you call a prehistoric monster when he’s sleeping?
A dinosnore!
Why can’t Batman go fishing?
Because Robin eats all the worms!

Prayed Up Packed Up And Ready To Go

In Psalm 101 King David was setting out precepts for his new kingdom when he said in Psalm 101:6 “My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; he whose walk is blameless will minister to me.” Finding folks like that is easier said than done as King David was to find out, but the Lord has blessed me over the years with a few, and one of those was Lester Cranfill.
Lester Cranfill was about eighty years old when I met him, about six four and two hundred and fifty pounds he was a big man and a stout broad shouldered old truck driver. Yet in so many ways his constant grin and his demeanor always made me feel like he was a big kid. I met him because he loved to drive and he drove cars for us when we would sell a car that was at another dealership, we would call Lester and it never seemed to matter to Lester where it was, Arizona or ten miles away in Winston Salem his response was always, “I’m prayed up and packed up and ready to go.” Those words I herd from Lester hundreds of times to me sort of defined Lester.
Lester loved to drive and the further the trip the better, as far as he was concerned and when he said those words he meant them. He had a ditty bag that was always packed up. All those years of truck driving he knew about favorite truck stops and restaurants all over the country and where ever we would send him he would tell us, “Oh Boy, now I get to go ‘Old So and So’s they have the best (fill in the blank) in the country.” I’m telling ya Lester was a truck drivin man.
The prayed up part was for real as well, Lester became a member of our men’s group there in a small town in North Carolina called Mocksville, where we meet to this day. There is a seat that no one will ever sit in because we all know that’s Lester’s seat. I never met a man who prayed like Lester. Simple honest and clear to the point with the Lord, but the thing that impressed me the most about Lester’s prayers was that Lester always prayed that God would put someone in his path that day that he could witness to. That was a prayer the Lord would answer for Lester constantly. Lester was always telling us about how he picked up stranded drivers, met someone in the grocery line, and sat next to somebody else at a diner and each time he would share his powerful testimony.
Lester was kinda brought up on the wrong side of the tracks in Mocksville. He grew up smoking and drinking and fighting. As big as Lester was I don’t think I would have wanted any part of that. My understanding was that on Depot hill, (where the bars and whatnot were back in the day) that Lester kinda had a reputation similar to Bad Bad Leroy Brown. He married early to a saint, (believe me), named Lucile, a truly wonderful lady. Yet, in his younger years, Lester would tell you, he didn’t treat her well and would get drunk and start problems.
One of those night’s he went to pick up another beer and although Lester was not at all religious at the time, he herd a word from the Holy Spirit, “Lester don’t pick up that beer, this is your last chance!”. The way Lester told it, that night he gave his heart and life to the Lord and everything changed. Lester became a member and eventually a Deacon of Turntine Baptist Church. The drinking and fighting no longer part of his life he became more and more like Jesus.
His relationship to Lucile was of the most unique things about Lester. countless times Lester would come into our meetings all sleepy eyed and tell us how he had sat up with Lucile and talked till three or four in the morning. I would ask, “Lester what in the world could you talk to Lucile about till four in the morning?”
“Oh Robby, I just love that lady and I could talk all night to Lucille.” Lester would tell us, but we never got the details. Lester loved his family, children, and grand children with a deep abiding love that taught us all.
Then the day came when I got a call that Lester was in the Hospital with a heart attack. Painfully Lucile was on a trip to help another family member and was hours away. I rushed over and met his grandson waiting in the emergency room. Soon the doctor came out and told us that Lester was in the middle of a massive heart attack and they were rushing him into emergency surgery. The doctor told us that Lester would be wheeled down the hall and we may be able to speak to him. Moments later here he came.
Although he must have been in unbelievable pain from the heart attack you could see that, ‘Big Kid’, grin of his from way down the hall. I will never forget what he said nor how he said it. “Robby, I’m prayed up packed up and ready to go!” Lester’s last words to me and his grandson, confirmed his trust in his Savior, said in Lester style, like he was headed for a vacation somewhere, and that he was, shortly to be on the ultimate vacation.
The Lord told me I would be speaking at Lester’s Funeral and he told me to get Lester’s ditty bag. Sure enough Lucile came to me and asked if I would speak and she looked at me like I was crazy when I asked to see Lester’s ditty bag. I told her that Lester had always told me he was prayed up and packed up and ready to go and I wanted to illustrate that at his funeral. When I got home and examined the contents I have to admit I was shocked. Not at the Bible I was certain to see or the picture of his son and him standing by the big truck they both once owned. What shocked me were the diapers. I found out from his family that Lester had prostate cancer surgery years ago that had left him in a bad way. At this point I had known Lester for about eight years and I had never herd him ever complain of any pain or anything for that matter. Lester was all about helping anybody any time with anything with no mention of his pain.
I had the honor of speaking at this saint’s funeral and I guess at this point you know what I said and how I illustrated it with Lester’s ditty bag. He was “prayed up packed up and ready to go!”

Cats and Dogs
Why does a tiger tell the truth? Because he isn’t a lion.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats!
Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens!
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
Our cat is finally house broken – litterly.

The cat burglar was accused of felineous intent
Why was the cat so small? Because it only drank condensed milk!
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny!
What do cats use to make coffee? purrcolator!
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? To a mewseum!
Why don’t dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a lion? A really scared mailman!
Where do dogs hate to shop? At a flea market!
What did the dog say about his day in the woods? “Bark, bark, bark, bark …”
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? “Rough! Rough!”
Why is a group of puppies called a litter? Because they trash the whole house!
Who corrects test papers at a dog school? The Grade Dane!
What was Captain Kirk’s dog named on Star Trek? Mr. Spot!
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull!
My dog has a lot of potential; you just have to unleash it.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
The race dogs got a bad case of the fleas – they had to be scratched
The medical term for owning too many dogs? A roverdose
A sheep dog puppy who likes cantaloupe is a melon collie baby
In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
At a pet store: ‘buy one dog, get one flea’
Immutable Laws

When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

When one’s hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Dinosaur on The DuPage by Robby Dilmore
The DuPage River flowed through the small town of Naperville, Illinois, (it was a small town in 1966) and for an 11 year old adventuresome soon to be, “Banana Pants” it held all sorts of treasures. There seemed to be an endless supply of crawdads just ripe for the picking. Crawdad catching requires a swift finger dive carefully between your index finger and thumb, right behind the pitchers or you will pay dearly for wrong placement. Ya gotta be quick for it would seem the crawdads had an anti boy strategy one quick step to the side and latch onto the attacking fingers with the toothiest part of your pinchers at what seemed like 4ooolbs pressure per square inch…YAAAOUCH that hurts, but that seemed to make the hunt that much more adventurous to me.

Then there were the frogs and the snakes. Oh how I loved to get a glimpse of a snake then dart after it. Snakes make a particular scratchy sound as they wind through the grass, (I can still hear it now) follow that sound and you will soon be on your prey, again you gotta be quick and accurate because if you pick them up too far behind the head they are coming around to get you and even the garter snakes will latch on for all they’re worth. Garters in particular have another defense, oh, my do they release a stink, sort of a cross between a skunk and gym socks. I would suppose that smell would deter me from ever eating one. None the less one snake capture was worth five or six craw dads or fifteen to twenty bull frogs which posed no possible bodily threat. The frogs just taught you to be quick and accurate. I am sure for many reading this you are wondering, “what in the world?” John Eldredge points out so clearly in both his books and Ransomed Heart boot camps, that deep in the heart of every little boy is a desire to know, “I got what it takes to be a man”. John calls this the “cowboy ranger” stage and every boy craves this kind of adventure especially if along the way his hunting or war games demonstrate, “I got what it takes”.
Crawdads are one thing snakes another but my oh my, what would it mean to catch a dinosaur. A “Dinosaur”? Yes, from all the appearances of that tail sticking out of the mud I was convinced it was a baby stegosaurus. It had those sharp plates coming down it just like those pictured in the book my mom used to read to me The Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek by Evelyn Lampman. Reasoning there was not much difference between Cricket Creek and the DuPage river I quickly informed our gang that we were now in the presence of a baby dinosaur and all we needed to do was pull it from its muddy hiding place. Not knowing what to expect in the encounter we armed the gang with big sticks as I attempted to capture the baby stegosaurus.
I grabbed hold of that tail and started to pull for all I was worth, the reptilian tug of war had started harshly and it became immediately obvious that this dinosaur considered this a life or death struggle, one inch forward three or four back. Man this baby dino had some power to him and the battle raged for about five minutes, finally slowly I dragged enough out of the mud to see that the spikes on its back were attached to a shell of some kind. That’s strange I reasoned maybe the baby stegosauruses keep a shell till they are bigger.

Then came the head and this thing looked mean as the devil one of the gang poked his stick toward his head and SNAP! He snapped off about a 2inch diameter stick like it was nothing. I started dragging backwards and every time that devil would try to come around on me I would drag him back for all I was worth. Once he completely cleared the mud it was obvious this was no dinosaur it was one huge snapping turtle. It was also very clear that he was none too happy about being drug from his mud hole. While some of the gang kept him at bay with the sticks and I had a hold of his tail we sent a detachment to retrieve some kind of container to take him home in.
Shortly they returned with a huge box from a grocery that backed up to the river. It was Saturday and my dad was home, surely he would marvel at this giant reptile captured by his son and friends. This was my moment, my dad would surely acknowledge, “Son, you got what it takes to be a man.” My dad was gonna be so proud of me.

We laid the box on its side pulled the Turtle into the box and then with several keeping him at bay with sticks we flipped the box up and we now had the world’s meanest box turtle. Off we went with our trophy of boyhood bravery.

I’m not sure which shocked me more: that this wasn’t a stegosaurus or my dad’s horror when he peered into that box. “Are you boys out of your minds, that thing could bite your leg off!!!! Take him back to the river this very moment and be very careful or someone’s going to get hurt badly, and Bruce, (me) then you come straight home and I will deal with you then.” Somehow our capture just didn’t get the my dad’s admiration I thought it would.

Now at 58 I understand much of what was really going on here but poor Bruce, (me) and my father had no clue what Satan was up to. God understood and was aiding in ways that would also become evident later. Little Bruce needed to know that not only did he have what it takes to be a man, but Bruce also longed to know he was the apple of his father’s eye that Bruce would grow in favor with God and men.

Only recently have I begun to understand how God Fathers me. The supreme example is how he fathered Jesus his Son. Listen closely to God’s words at Jesus Baptism and then again at the transfiguration Matthew 3:17 & Matthew 17:5, “This is my beloved Son in Whom I am well pleased.” Jesus was clearly God’s favorite. That word favor as “Jesus grew in favor” is often translated; grace, and in the Old Testament the famous passage in Isaiah 61 that Jesus quoted in Luke 4, “To declare the year of the Lord’s Favor”. Jesus is declaring the Old Testament Hebrew word for grace, “ratsown”. In other words I’m his favorite, oh by the way you are too and you may remember John was the disciple Jesus loved; have you ever wondered about that? Well John himself was the one that said “the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:14. John is telling us clearly that when you are around Jesus, you know you are his favorite anything else would be disgraceful. Process that for a minute. Think about any truly Godly person you have ever known and amazingly I would bet you always feel like you are they’re favorite when you are around them.

Now going back to fathering God style, God clearly told Jesus he was His favorite but now pickup the rest of what God said at the transfiguration Mathew 17:5 “Listen to Him.” Jesus has what it takes. Looking back now I understand that my father being a General Motors executive at the time could in no way relate to a son who like my grandfather on my mother’s side (Harry Bacon) was all into whatever he could hunt or fish for and in, that world, I really did have what it takes and I was worth listening to. In present time it’s easy to forgive my dad who had about as much chance of understanding me as Rich Mullins, farmer father had of understanding a piano playing son. Whether my father understood my world or not he did do a great job of always making me feel like I was his favorite. Satan had however turned this encounter from, “son, you got what it takes” to “Bruce (me) you are a reckless hazard”. Satan knew if he could get me to back off what made my heart come alive he would begin the process of destroying and hardening my heart.

God had other plans many men throughout my life my dad and my grand fathers have fathered me in hunting and fishing and leading. God in so many ways has fathered me to know I am his favorite and when it comes to things like crawdad and snake catching or skinning a deer I got what it takes.

Back to 1966, dejected and depressed we headed for the DuPage River, then it occurred to me that the bridge was closer and it would be a lot more fun to drop the turtle from the bridge then to just put him back in the mud. After all the bridge wasn’t all that high off the water, he might even skip a little like a stone. Amazing how creative young minds work and our depression quickly disappeared at the thought of the snapper splash down. Can you even imagine our excitement as we observed way off in the distance an approaching canoe?

“Alright, here’s the plan if we drop him from the back side of the bridge the approaching canoe will never see us. I’ll hold him by the tail until just the right moment, and then bombs away, I’ll drop him right in the middle of the canoe. This will be a moment we will always remember.” My instructions still loom in my mind as I can’t help but wonder, was this retaliation for the rejection I felt or just another exciting adventure idea.

Somewhere down the DuPage river,( I will never know this side of heaven because we ran like the little delinquents we were), a nice young couple having leapt from their canoe upon the sudden slamming of a giant snapping turtle into their tranquil afternoon voyage, must have either abandon their turtle pirated canoe forever, or somehow attempted to separate our shy stegosaurus from his new command as captain of the USS Shell Shocked.. by Robby Dilmore

 

 

                                                                                 High Stakes Marriage
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

                                                                               RE-MARKABLE ANSWER

Waiters have heard ’em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a refill.

“Nah, I better not have one,” said one man after I offered him a refill on his coffee. “I have the world’s worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”

                                                                                     A SHOT OF POLITENESS

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” her mother scolded. “That’s not polite behavior.”

At that, the girl yelled even louder, “NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!”

 

                                                                                   Geography

 

Teacher: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
Pupil: The juve-niles!

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can’t see!

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde, and F-16!

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don’t know — my TV doesn’t pick it up.

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well, next time remember where you put things!

Teacher: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!

Q. What is a relief Map
Student: The way to the bathroom?
Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.
Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?
A. Because it was 360 degrees.
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
A. Because they always fold.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.

                                                                                                  Balloon Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

                                                                                                          Cleaning Toilets
A TRUE STORY By Al Batt
I went off to college with a head full of mush and no money.
I needed a job. If there were no job, there would be no college. I found a part-time job and it was a dandy. It was a dream job-if you were the kind who had a lot of nightmares.
The job I had was cleaning the toilets in a dormitory. I was qualified because I grew up on a farm cleaning up after pigs, cows and chickens. All those animals were much easier to clean up after than were college students.
I didn’t like the job very much, but I needed the money. It was good, honest work and nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I would be working away at my labor on a Sunday afternoon while it seemed like the rest of the world was relaxing and enjoying itself, and I would wonder. I would wonder how I ever came to be involved in such an endeavor. I would wonder why I couldn’t have been born rich and have been able to bypass such menial tasks as scrubbing porcelain while on my knees. Maybe it was meant to be? Maybe it was fate?
My Great-grandfather Sundstrom left Sweden and headed to Iowa many years ago. Why Iowa? To quote a couple of characters in the movie, “Field of Dreams,” “Is this heaven?”
“No, it’s Iowa.”
It sounded like heaven to a family struggling just to get by in Sweden.
Great-grandpa Sundstrom accompanied by his wife and five children boarded a boat and floated for days and days before arriving in New York. The voyage was made to seem even longer thanks to the seasickness that visited every family member. Once in New York, they boarded a train and headed towards the state where the tall corn grows. Algona was their destination. My great-grandparents had saved as much money as possible in order to give
themselves a good start once they arrived in Iowa and had begun a new life. They spoke no English, only Swedish, but they had a sponsor in Algona who would be helping them adjust to their new home.
Then an odd thing happened. It was one of those occurrences that leads to an entire change of circumstances that alters lives dramatically. My Great-grandpa Sundstrom needed to use the bathroom on the train. The old toilets on the train had a pretty simple septic system. Whatever went into the toilet, went right out onto the tracks. When my Great-grandpa came out of the bathroom, he discovered that his wallet was missing. He went back to the bathroom and searched for it. It could not be found. There was no doubt that it had fallen onto the tracks. He talked to the conductor about his loss, but the conductor spoke no Swedish.
My great-grandparents were in a country that they knew little or nothing about. They had five children who
needing caring for and they were completely broke. At least they still had their sponsor who had promised my Great-grandpa a job once they arrived in Algona. Great-grandpa had already paid for the train tickets. They spent the trip being hungry. Some kind travelers gave the children crackers and bits of apple.
When they arrived in Algona, they were surprised to find that there was no one waiting for them. They thought that perhaps their wires had become crossed with their sponsor. My great-grandparents had nothing to go by
except the address of their sponsor. They left the railroad depot and walked and walked, slowly making their way to their sponsor’s home. There they were informed that their sponsor had died and along with him, so had the promise of a job.
My great-grandparents had many difficult years. My Great-grandma got a job cleaning houses. They were proud people who refused to ask for much help. They raised the children right there in Algona, Iowa. My great-grandparents refused to speak Swedish while the children were at home. They demanded that the children learned to speak English fluently. The five children all graduated from high school, something that neither of my great-grandparents had been allowed to do. The four girls all went on to further their education and became teachers. A flu epidemic took one of the girls during her first year of teaching. The son went to law school and became an attorney.
Oh, and what did my Great-grandfather Sundstrom do for a living that allowed all of his children to lead productive and rewarding lives? What did he do to make it possible for them to go to college?
He cleaned toilets.

Butthurt-Cow-1 Robby….. Don’t Butcher These Cow Jokes
• What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
• Ground Beef!
• What do you get when you mix a cow and a ghost?
• Vanishing cream!
• What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
• An udder failure! (Or a milk dud!)
• Why don’t cows have any money?
• Because the farmers milk them dry!
• Why do cows wear bells?
• Because their horns don’t work!

What goes oo ooo oooo?
• A cow with no lips!
• The invisible cows were herd but not seen
• When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.
• On the farm a cow’s derriere contributes to the dairy air.
• That’s why there are many ant hills on a farm… deodor-ants
• What do you call an ant who changes his story?
• Inconsist-ant!
• What do you call an ant that fights cancer?
• An antioxid-ant!
• What do you call an ant who develops unusual super powers because of variant DNA?
• A mut-ant!
• What do you call an ant who squeals to the cops?
• An inform-ant!
• What do you call an ant who litters?
• A pollut-ant!
• What kind of ant is good at math?
• An account-ant!
• What is the biggest ant in the world?
• An eleph-ant!
• What do you call an ant that can see the future?
• Clairvoy-ant!

The nicest place to be is in someone’s THOUGHTS!
The safest place to be is in someone’s PRAYERS!
And the best place to be is in GOD’S Hands
A True friend…
Scolds like a DAD…
Cares like a MOM…
Teases like a SISTER…
Irritates like a BROTHER…
And finally loves you more than a LOVER.
________________________________________
________________________________________
AMAZING ANN
by JEANNETTE GARDNER
I was inspired by an amazing woman that I just had to write about. She lives alone in her trailer in a trailer park for 6 months, from April to October for the full season.
In 2010, my Husband and I decided to buy a trailer in this park. We happened to buy it the last week before the park’s closing date, Oct. 15. We did get to meet some people that were still in the park who hadn’t closed up for the season yet. We were told an amazing story about an elderly woman in the park, which we found incredible.
We only had one beautiful day at that time of year, so my Husband and I thought we’d sit out on our deck at our trailer to enjoy the nice weather. An elderly woman came over to welcome us to the park. She was carrying a strawberry cheese cake which she made especially for us. We thought that was so sweet of her, and this was the best strawberry cheese cake we’ve ever tasted. We got introduced, and her name was Ann. She told us she’s been in this trailer park for quite a long time, and loved it along with the people there. The park closed after one short week of purchasing our trailer.
After a long 6 month wait, the park opened in April of 2011. That same woman came over to us and asked if we liked her strawberry cheese cake, which she remembered giving us before the park closed last season. She also asked us if we had a good winter, and welcomed us back. We eventually found out that this was the woman people told us about, being Ann. She has had her trailer in this park since 2003, and was a pensioner. Every year before the park closed in Oct., people had to pay a deposit fee of $500.00 to hold their spot over the winter. This amazing 80 year old woman did the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard about to make money for her deposit fee. She collected empty liquor, wine, or beer bottles from everyone in the park that she could, and people would even drop their empty bottles into her two bungle buggies that she left outside in the back of her trailer. She even went to the parks recycling bins to try and find more, which we’ve both seen her do as our trailer was near the recycling bins. In Canada, we pay a deposit for the bottles that the liquor, wine, or beer is put into, and the empty bottles can be returned to the liquor or beer store for a refund of the deposit at the time of purchase. That’s if you want to do that, and be refunded your deposit of 10 or 20 cents per returnable bottle depending on the size. But the amazing other passion about Ann was that she would also walk approximately 7 kms with one of her empty bungle buggies to a different trailer park, and would go into their recycling bins and collect recyclable bottles that weren’t returned for a refund. She would then walk back to our trailer park with her bungle buggy full of these bottles to take a break from this long walk being the age she was, 80. After a little break, she would then walk over a causeway, which divided a huge lake nearby, with her full bungle buggy of empty bottles, from both parks, to the liquor store in town to cash them in for a refund. The distance from our trailer park to the liquor store was 2 kms each way, and she would continue back over the causeway to our trailer park with her empty bungle buggy. I have tried to walk over that causeway which has no sidewalks; just a very small unpaved shoulder. I’ve never seen anyone walking over the causeway since we’ve driven on it several times. With the busy traffic moving in both directions, I got scared and just couldn’t do that walk, not even one way! I asked Ann how she did that walk, both ways, over the causeway being the way it was. She replied, “I don’t look at the traffic, you will go nuts”. This woman did this almost every day since she arrived in our trailer park since 2003. By doing this adventure, it paid for her deposit fee of $500.00 before the park closed so her spot would be held over the winter months. She told me that she not only did this for the park’s deposit fee, but did it for extra money that she can earn for the cost of baking a lot of delicious pies, butter tarts, cookies or whatever she wants to bake to give to people in the trailer park for whatever reason.
Most of the trailers are run by propane. I asked her how she managed to get her huge tanks filled at a gas station. She said that there is always someone to help her in the park and she awards them with one of her home baked sweet goodies. She said next season in 2012, she will start luncheons in the park by making different kinds of soups, and home baked goodies. She will charge a very small amount for people joining in for lunch. She said the money will also help to go towards park functions. We have a park committee who organizes functions for people such as dances, BBQ’s, special dinners, golfing, etc., whereby people pay a very small fee to the park committee. She said this will also be her way of helping the park committee if they should run short of money, to continue functions in the park.
In the spring of 2011 she had to take a couple of weeks away from the trailer park as one of her many grandsons, and one of her many granddaughters were each planning their weddings. Each of them had about 200 guests at their weddings which were close to the same date. Ann baked all the desserts for each of their weddings. She would never take any hand outs from anyone. If anyone offers to help her with something, or anything in the park, she would always pay back with her wonderful baking, and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
She also told me she doesn’t know how to relax as it would drive her crazy not doing anything. She stays in this park for the full six months and during the winter months, she stays in a retirement home for seniors, and has her own apartment. She even does certain things in the retirement home for the seniors such as baking and helping others. She told me that she sometimes looks after a woman who is 107 years old just to give her family a break, and will do this for a period of one week at a time whenever needed.
Ann also suffered a stroke the early part of 201I. It was a miracle after having this stroke as her doctor told her that she may never walk again. But she was quite the trooper after recovering, and did her long walks again every day which took her longer, and by the way, she did all the baking for those two weddings after her stroke. Eventually, it came to a point that she had to have someone drive her to her destinations of gathering recyclable bottles and returning them to the liquor store for refunds. She became too exhausted to do these long walks. She was so determined to earn her deposits for every year being in the trailer park so she wouldn’t lose her spot for the next season to open. I didn’t ask Ann how she managed to pay for her park fees for the entire season.
Ann is very sad that our trailer park will be closing soon for the season. My Husband and I are also sad for the season to come to an end as that was our first full season being there, and meeting this wonderful woman. I’m so looking forward to seeing her next year when the park opens for another season. She did give me her phone number and address so we will be able keep in touch with this amazing woman that I have ever met. Amazing Ann, she truly is!
© COPYRIGHT – BY JEANNETTE GARDNER

Vegetating

How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it!
Why did the carrot blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?
Judas Is-carrot!
Why did the carrot get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field!
What’s a vegetables favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
What did one snowman say to the other?
It’s funny does it smell like carrots to you?

Two carrots left the farm for a big time in the Big Apple. They went everywhere: shows, museums, libraries, the Statue of Liberty, the subways, and galleries. For a real blast off their last night in town, they went from bar to bar, carousing until the wee hours.

When they stumbled out to the curb to hail a cab, one of the drunken carrots fell in the path of a speeding car. The other carrot called for an ambulance and followed his friend to the hospital.

After several hours of waiting and pacing, the carrot was approached by a surgeon. The doctor told the carrot he bore both good and bad news and asked which he wished to hear first. The carrot told the doctor to start with the good news.

The doctor complied, stating, “Your friend will live … but he’ll always be a vegetable.”

Why do people preserve fruits and vegetables? Because they ‘can’.

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears!
What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish!
Which vegetable did Noah leave off the Ark?
Leeks!
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants!
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
One Lawyer Joke to go with the Veggies
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

                                                                                        ‘The Silence of the Yams’

One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, “Is something wrong?”

“Yes,” he said, “I can’t remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!”
Great Tether Balls-A-Fire
One of the great benefits of having a Dad who worked for Buick in the 60’s is every year at announcement time he brought home scale models of the cool new vehicles coming out. Wildcats, Riveras, Skylark Convertibles a virtual little boy show room eventually. After a while my creative juices started flowing and I wondered if I could melt some of them into cool wreck scenes, (it’s a little boy thing you wouldn’t understand).
Out near our driveway was the tether ball court the perfect place to stage this would be fiery crash. My father had put down white gravel as to make a wonderful tether ball court for my brother and sisters to smack a ball around instead of each other, I think.
Ohio Blue Tip matches out to do the trick my young mind reasoned. I had a great deal of experience with these babies, because I had the coolest little Jensen steam engine that you had to light these little dry fuel tablets. After nearly half a box of matches I wasn’t getting the melting I was hoping for, answer, I need more fuel.
At this stage in the story as I am sure you can imagine things are about to go terribly wrong. If I stand back now and look Jesus has clearly shown me through out my life is this desire to go it alone, my hopes and dreams, (in this case a cool looking fiery crash scene) I considered my dad would not be up for, not interested, no time. Maybe that was true, but I never asked him to share the adventure the dream. The fathering you will see I clearly needed I wasn’t willing to risk the rejection or denial. Going to the Father with your hopes and dreams, (yes even the weird ones) takes courage, but oh, oh the joy of sharing the adventure with Jesus.
Back to the fiery crash scene, since mowing the lawn was one of my chores I knew just where the gas can was. A few drops of gas will do the trick. I decided to pour the gas straight out of the can onto the cars. What I had failed to consider is that the cars were still smoldering a smidgen from the severe matching they had received. The second the gas touched the cars whoosh flames jumped all the way up the spout of the gas can. The can started to rumble and before it could explode I kicked it over spilling five gallons of flaming gas across the, (at one time white gravel) tether ball court and down the driveway. With Flames shooting up way over my head I can still see that yellow tether ball expanding bigger, bigger, BAM!!
Just when it couldn’t have looked worse for the home team, here comes my parents driving up the street heading for their flaming driveway. Un-singed and sheepish there I stood as my father jumps out of the car at the bottom of the driveway, (he wasn’t know for handling these kind of things calmly, of course who would). “What in the *!&@^#!. Things just didn’t turn out the way I hoped, but no doubt there was a fiery crash scene.
I can’t remember all the punishment I received for this infraction of all the Dilmore codes known to man. But the one that has stuck with me was cleaning that white gravel and the driveway most of the summer.
Now the stuff of Dilmore legend it has provided much laughter over the years, but I can’t help but wonder, if I could have shared this adventure with my dad it had the possibilities of something even more wonderful.
I am partly sure that I escaped major punishment because like Joseph I was teased by my siblings that I was daddy’s favorite, (I was a junior and his first son so it’s understandable). Although, as a father myself I understand how all your children are in that status. I believe there is something inherently special to being daddy’s favorite, ‘the apple of his eye’. God Himself affirmed His son on more than one occasion, “You are my Son whom I love in you I am well pleased.” Luke 3:22 God is the perfect Father every child longs to know that. I would share that you may have never been you earthly father’s favorite but you are your Heavenly Father’s favorite.
Isaiah 61: (My Emphasis added)
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
This famous passage quoted by Jesus in Luke 4:18 as, fulfilled by His coming, profoundly illustrates the concept and use of New Testament grace to me. That word favor in the Hebrew ‘ratsown’ works well for my understanding as this is the year of “Robby is The Lord’s favorite”. The Greek word ‘charis’ usually translated ‘grace’ also means favor so even more proof this is the year I’m His favorite.
Sorry you get your own year…just kidding. Let that sink in “You are His favorite.” You are the apple of Father God’s eye I promise.
This understanding helps me both in seeing the grace I’m afforded but also when someone starts to get on my nerves if I want to show them grace, I create a mental picture of them being my favorite son or daughter and how would I treat them if that is the case. It is truly remarkable how that change makes me feel about that person, which in turn changes the way I treat them. I have even gone as far as telling them, “I am declaring this 2014 the year that ________ insert name is my favorite.”

AMAZING GRACE is what you need when great-tether-balls are afire, yes many times I figure out I have lots and lots broken moments. Yet, I AM STILL HIS FAVORITE, just sayin…

 

I thought I might use my own material some this week….
Robby’s Riddle March 29
Speaking of Easter; what did the Chocolate Easter Bunny Say to the boy that ate his nose off, “No Bunny nose the trouble I’ve seen”. Then the little boy bit off his ear, to which the bunny said, “I can’t hare you.” Then the little boy melted him down into a Chocolate cross, “yeah for a moment he was a hot cross bunny. You could say he sort of double crossed him, or he had him in the cross Hares…just sayin The Easter plot contained how many gardens??? How many gardens were in the Easter plot???

Robby’s Riddles March 22nd 2014
If you took an American heritage troop to dig for coal would they still be miners? An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Patti and David both teach that: Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning. Right now you may be asking yourself are these puns for kids or groan-ups: Which husband in the Bible struggled to have children and he may have said this about his wife:, “she is unbearable’. Getting a blank stare he tried: ‘she is impregnable’. Then finally he figured he had it: ‘she is inconceivable!’
Robby’s Riddle March 15, 2014
Speaking of rekindling; one piece of wood is all it takes to get the Robby’s Hobbies Audience rekindled, I call it a mono-log…. If it’s not funny I take the heat…. Just sayin… Dr. Kimball told me, “getting too close with those rekindling questions can lead to the third degree”, he told me he had been burned a few times with those questions.. In Exodus when the priests rekindled these articles in the tabernacle the heat was in-tents so to speak… What did the Priests Rekindle in the Tabernacle??? The Alter or the Incense or the Lamp Stand
Robby’s Riddle March 8
Skiers who don’t take Brad’s skiing instruction course often find themselves adrift …Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there. Brad told me that those snow machine salesmen, they tend to be flakey ….During the Exodus when this brother and sister spoke about their brother’s Ethiopian wife, you could save God showed up White on Time with sort of a snow job on the sister…Who were they? Mirium and Aaron
Robby’s Riddle March 1
I told Becky Not to let any runners run through screen doors they would strain themselves … Also no running along the railroad tracks or they may soon feel run down … Dr. Jekyll’s more successful second formula turned him into a world-class sprinter rather than a violent psychopath, proving that you can run but you can’t always Hyde.. I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians promises I’m calling it a ‘fool injection system’…. Which Bible Character’s Coffee Mug must have had legs.. Because his cup runneth over????
  POP Quiz At The Pepsi Plant
“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” (Robert Frost)

“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” (Dennis Miller)

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” (Edgar Bergen)

“Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” (Leslie Nielsen)

“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.” (Slappy White)

“I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y.'” (Robert Paul)

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” (Muhammad Ali)

“A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.” (Dennis Miller)
               NEW MATH

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”

Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

 

Introduction: The Legend of Banana Pants (From my upcoming Book )

The question I will live with for the rest of my life is; “If Farah was the only clothing company going that made a pair of pants with a 28in waist and a 34in length in 1968. Why did they choose to make the one pair they shipped to Michigan bright yellow corduroys?” When you are six foot five in seventh grade and only weigh 125lbs you already look like a freak. Now add that only pair of pants to my name was those bright yellow corduroys. Yes, my mom shopped till she dropped to find me another pair of pants, but bright yellow it was and no not just yellow, but corduroys so if they couldn’t see me coming, they could hear me.
I think my growth hormones felt the need to keep up with my school grade level so from the 5th grade to the 6th I went from a “five footer” to a “six footer” and by basketball season another five inches to go with it. So while some were experiencing growing pains mine were more like growing tormented anguish. I was sure that someone was secretly torturing me with a hidden rack in my bed.
Like any giant a host of nick names fit the bill and I was always good for a weather forecast, bean stringing, and Ho, Ho, Ho, green giant. “Whistle Britches”, which was a bit more painful but always good for a laugh, however nothing could be worse than the dreaded “banana pants”. I was forever branded as un-a-peeling, as the cruel would “Dole” out their insults.
To make me even a bit more bizarre most folks my height have long feet in order to have balance, but God certainly had a sense of humor in my design, I have normal size feet so as to trip and fall at the drop of a hat. So with my new found giant-ness, here I came, pants a whistling, and feet a tripping making my way through Perry Junior high, quite a sight and yes if I fell just right you might see the banana splits, (if I didn’t say it you would still have thought it, right).
My height dilemma wasn’t just limited to my appearance. At my first dance, a child of the 60’s I was a Beetle fan so when “Hey Jude” started playing, I asked a girl I was “sweet on” to dance. In review I had missed two major pitfalls, number one she was about four foot four and “Hey Jude” was a slow dance. Number two it was the longest single of the decade, seven minutes and eleven seconds and believe me I felt every one of those four hundred and thirty two seconds in utter awkward hunch backed fashion.
At an age where appearance is becoming extremely important, I was shot at and hit. Quite convinced I was no ones prince charming, destined to spend the rest of my life with no female companionship. Oh, I got along with the guys alright; I was on the football and basketball teams tripping my way to that form of popularity, but I hated the way I looked and was sure that no girl would ever want to be seen with me. Who could ever love this “banana the pants whistler”?
At this point in writing this I asked Jesus why you made me this way. I really don’t feel any pain associated with it anymore, just laughter at the humor of it. Yet I asked and prayed throughout the night and this morning listening for Jesus to give me some clarity, Jesus blessed me out of my socks; I really can’t stop crying at His answer. “Robby, I knew you were going to need to know how to fall from great heights well.”
The banana pants, I asked, “I was teaching you to turn scorn into joy.” Jesus answered.
This is the kind of perspective, love, healing and deep intimacy only Jesus can illuminate within the darkness of my past wounds.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So come join me in the following stories where in many I tripped or fell so that we may boast in our weakness, as in doing so I believe we will witness, “The Light”, “The Life” that will be a beacon for all to follow to FREEDOM.
I love to laugh and I love to cry, so I do my best to make sure I get to do plenty of that in each chapter for as many times as I have told these stories they still bring the joy and the tears or they don’t bring me life. How fun to share my life with you and all the time knowing that as you see God’s work in me, His power will brighten us both.
Most of all my hope is that you too will hear His loving voice and see Jesus as in Song of Songs chapter 2, my favorite verses.
8 Listen! My beloved!
Look! Here he comes,
leaping across the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
9 My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Look! There he stands behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
peering through the lattice.

Horsing Around with Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto hitch their horses outside a saloon and go inside. Soon after, a man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I do. What’s the problem?”

The man says, “You better go look at him. I think he’s hot.”

The Lone Ranger goes outside to check on his horse, and sure enough, the horse is overheated and distressed.

“Quick, Tonto, run circles around Silver. You will create a draft and cool him down.”

Tonto starts running around the horse to cool him down, and the Lone Ranger goes back into the saloon. Soon after, another man walks in and asks, “Who owns the silver horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger again replies, “I do. What’s the problem now?”

“You’ve left the Injun running.”

 

When told the reason for Daylight Saving time the old Indian said, “Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.”

 

Blind Explanation

A blind man on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6′ 2, weighs 225 and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′ 5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

                               Attention Deficit Disrupter

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares…Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

 run_hillary_run_bumper_sticker

******Democrats place this on the back bumper certain Republicans on the front

 

 

Raining Cats and Dogs (not so much on the dogs)

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward .. the rope broke.

The tree went “BOING!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air … out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.”

She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.



                           St. Patrick – The Patron Saint of Ireland

Here are some interesting facts about St. Patrick – The Patron Saint of Ireland

WHO WAS ST. PATRICK?
St. Patrick was a Christian missionary credited with the conversion of Ireland from paganism. He lived from the late 4th century A.D. to the mid 5th century A.D., so long ago that it’s difficult to separate fact from legend.

St. Patrick was born in either Scotland or Wales, the son of Roman parents living in Britain. When he was about fifteen or sixteen, he was captured and enslaved by an Irish chieftain during a raiding party across the sea. He spent several years enslaved in Ireland, herding and tending sheep and swine. It was during his captivity that St. Patrick dedicated his life to God. Legend has it that St. Patrick escaped captivity and Ireland after a dream in which God instructed him to journey to the Irish coast where he found a ship that returned him to his family.

After years of religious study, he became a priest. In a document attributed to him known as “The Confession”, St. Patrick heard the voice of the Irish in his dreams, “crying to thee, come hither and walk with us once more.” Eventually, Pope Clemens commissioned St. Patrick as bishop to preach the gospel to the Celtic people. Arriving back in Ireland, he commenced an incredible mission, travelling across the country, preaching and baptizing, ordaining priests and bishops, erecting churches and establishing places of learning and worship, despite constant threats to his life. It has been said that he and his disciples were responsible for converting almost all the population of Ireland to Christianity.

WHY THE SHAMROCK?
Finding that the pagan Irish had great difficulty comprehending the doctrine of the Trinity, St. Patrick held up a shamrock (similar to a three-leaf clover) to show how the three leaves combined to make a single plant, just as the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost combined to make the holy Trinity. The Irish understood at once, and from that time the shamrock has been the symbol of the land. Irishmen wear it in their hats on the saint’s day.

WHAT ABOUT WEARING GREEN?
Ireland’s nickname is “The Emerald Isle” because the grass on the hills is so green. Everyone wears the color green on St. Patrick’s Day to honor The Emerald Isle. If someone forgets to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, those who are wearing green are allowed to give the offender a pinch as a reminder. However, if you pinch someone who is wearing green, that person gets to pinch you back ten times! Some of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day parades are in Chicago, Illinois, New York City, and Savannah, Georgia. The city of Chicago goes so far to celebrate that they dye their river green!

——-

“St Patrick’s Breastplate”  
… also known as the “Lorica of St. Patrick” and sometimes “The Deer Cry.” It is attributed to St. Patrick and lore has it that reciting this prayer protected him when he ventured to visit the Pagan King of Ireland. Assassins were ready for an ambush, but as Patrick said the prayer it seemed to the enemies that a herd of deer were going by.

I arise today through the
power of God:
God’s might to comfort me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to lead me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s shield to protect me,
God’s Heavenly Host to save me
from the snares of the devil,
from temptations to sin,
from all who wish me ill,
from near and afar,
alone and with others.

May Christ shield me today
against poison and fire,
against drowning and wounding,
so that I may fulfill my mission
and bear fruit in abundance.
Christ behind and before me,
Christ behind and above me,
Christ with me and in me,
Christ around and about me,
Christ on my right and on my left,
Christ when I lie down at night,
Christ when I rise in the morning,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone that speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

 

                                                                        Women VS Men

Ladies, Read Only The First Part — Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM — she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM — she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading …
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!

“Confusing Signs!”

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

 

“Sweetheart!”

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms– Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

Today’s Tickles: “Perplexing Posers!”

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

 

Today’s Truth: “The Many Names of Christ!”

 

To the ARTIST He is the One Altogether Lovely.

To the ARCHITECT He is the Chief Corner Stone.

To the BAKER He is the Living Bread.

To the BANKER He is the Hidden Treasure.

To the BIOLOGIST He is the Life.

To the BUILDER He is the Sure Foundation.

To the CARPENTER He is the Door.

To the DOCTOR He is “The Great Healer”.

To the EDUCATOR He is the Great Teacher.

To the ENGINEER He is the New and Living Way.

To the FLORIST He is the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley.

To the GEOLOGIST He is the Rock of Ages.

To the HORTICULTURIST He is the True Vine.

To the JUDGE He is the Righteous Judge, Judge of All Men.

To the JEWELER He is the Pearl of Great Price.

To the LAWYER He is the Counselor, the Lawgiver, the Advocate.

To the NEWSPAPER Writer He is the Good Tidings of Great Joy.

To the PHILANTHROPIST He is the Unspeakable Gift.

To the PHILOSOPHER He is the Wisdom of God.

To the PREACHER He is the Word of God.

To the SCULPTOR He is the Living Stone.

To the SERVANT He is the Good Master.

To the STATESMAN He is the Desire of All Nations.

To the STUDENT He is the Incarnate Truth.

To the THEOLOGIAN He is the Author and Finisher of our Faith.

To the TOILER He is the Giver of Rest.

To the SINNER He is the Lamb of God

that takes away the sins of the World.

To the CHRISTIAN He is the Son of the Living God, the Savior, the Redeemer and the Lord!

                                   Late Bloomer

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!'”

 

 

People who like this sort of thing will find it just the sort of thing they like. —Abraham Lincoln

 

 

Show me a piano thrown into an army trench, and I’ll show you A-flat major.

 

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” –U.S. Marine Corps

“Aim towards the enemy.” –Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” –Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” –Army’s magazine of prevention maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” –U.S. Air Force manual

“Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.” –Infantry Journal

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” –USAF Ammo Troop

“Tracers work both ways.” –U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” –Infantry Journal

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” –Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper….once.” –Anon

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” –USAF Ammo Troop

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman… neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.

And finally: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

                                                 Inside Information

 

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person – her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. “Information Please” could supply anybody’s number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn’t seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the foot stool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. “Information Please,” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

“Information.”

“I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

“Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.

“Nobody’s home but me.” I blubbered.

“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.

“No,” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”

“Can you open your icebox?” she asked. I said I could. “Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.

After that, I called “Information Please” for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk, that I had caught in the park just he day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was unconsoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.” Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone. “Information Please.”

“Information,” said the now familiar voice.

“How do you spell fix?” I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.

“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half an hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, “Information, Please.” Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, “Information.”

I hadn’t planned this but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”

I laughed. “So it’s really still you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time.”

“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls.”

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered “Information.”

I asked for Sally.

“Are you a friend?” She said.

“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, she said. Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”

Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?”

“Yes.”

“Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.

Let me read it to you.” The note said, “Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.”

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Anonymous

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?

Professors Define a Kiss

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

 

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

ORYou can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long

it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

ORYou can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder”, or “out yonder.”

It’s important to know the difference, too.

ORYou can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,

“It was different!”

ORFINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Chain of Love

— Author Unknown

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out.

His old Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn’t look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, ‘I’m here to help you, ma’am. Why don’t you wait in the car where it’s warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.’

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn’t thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, ‘And think of me.’

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn’t erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude.

The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be.

Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: ‘You don’t owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I’m helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.’

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, ‘Everything’s going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.’

You can not choose your battlefield God does that for you.

But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew (Natalie Crane)

 

                           A Boy In Need

 

A pastor was walking down the street one day ready to be a witness

of God’s love and mercy at any opportune moment when he noticed a

very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for

him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for quite some time, the

caring pastor stepped across the street, walked up behind the little

fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leaned

over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what,

my little man?” To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

 

                              

 

 

                                    Matrimoaners

 

An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

– Marriage brings music to a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.

– A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

– Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

– The argument you just won with your wife isn’t over yet.

– Before criticizing your wife’s faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

 

Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.

 

Two cannon balls got married and had BB’s.

 

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent

 

Soon after Sam and Ella got married they experienced food poisoning

 

 

 

                                     New Sign

 

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared, “Local Honey, Dates, Nuts.”

 

 

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.

 

                                     Head Hog

One day a man called the church office. He said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?”

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, “I’m sorry, who?”

The man said, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?”

She said, “Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as ‘Pastor,’ or ‘Brother,’ but you may certainly not refer to him as the ‘head hog at the trough!”

To this the man replied, “Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund…”

To this the secretary quickly responded “Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in.”

 

 



Sleeping Through The Storm

A young man applied for a job as a farmhand.  When the farmer asked for his qualifications, he said, “I can sleep through a storm.”

This puzzled the farmer… but he liked the young man.  So he hired him.

A few weeks later, the farmer and his wife were awakened in the night by a violent storm ripping through the valley.  He leapt out of bed and called for his new hired hand, but the young man was sleeping soundly.

So they quickly began to check things to see if all was secure.  They found that the shutters of the farmhouse had been securely fastened.  A good supply of logs had been set next to the fireplace.

The farmer and his wife then inspected their property.  They found that the farm tools had been placed in the storage shed, safe from the elements.  He sees that the bales of wheat had been bound and wrapped in tarpaulins.

The tractor had been moved into its garage. The barn was properly locked tight. Even the animals were calm and had plenty of feed. All was well.

The farmer then understood the meaning of the young man’s words, “I can sleep through a storm.”

Because the farmhand did his work loyally and faithfully when the skies were clear, he was prepared for any storm.  So when the storm did actually break, he was not concerned or afraid.  He could sleep in peace.

 

                                                  ‘Where Is My Paper?’

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

‘Ma’am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.’

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

‘So that’s why no one was in church today.’

 

 

                                                    The Magettes

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don’t you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

 

Q: Where is King Soloman’s temple?

A: On the side of his head!

 

 

 

                                                    Ancient Clothing

 

A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.

As he opened the bible he  a large old dry leaf fell out. He quickly ran to his mom and said, “Look what I found mom!”

The mom asked, “What is it”?

“I think it’s Adams underwear”, replied the boy.

 

                                                           KJV

 

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

                                                    

 

                                                          Miracles

 

After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to

her Sunday school teacher.

“In my house,” said the little girl, “when handwriting appears on the wall it’s not a miracle, it’s the work of my little brother.”

                                                   

 

 

                                                    Finding Jesus

A very intoxicated man stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the Pastor. He notices him and says, “Friend, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The intoxicated gentleman looks back and says, “Yes, Pastor, I sure am.”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

“Have you found Jesus?” the Pastor asks.

“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the man.

The Pastor then dunks him under again, brings him up, and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo”, trying to catch his breath, said the man

Once again the Pastor dunks the man this time a little longer then brings him out of the water, and says, “Certainly,  now you have found Jesus?”

Almost suffocated the man wipes his eyes and says to the Pastor, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?

                                                          Slim Pickens

 

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months… and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.

“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

 

                                                    

 

                                                          Start Over

When you’ve trusted Jesus and walked his way
When you’ve felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way,
start over.

When you’ve made your plans and they’ve gone awry
When you’ve tried your best and there’s no more try
When you’ve failed yourself and you don’t know why,
start over.

When you’ve told your friends what you plan to do
When you’ve trusted them and they didn’t come through
And now you’re all alone and it’s up to you,
start over.

When you’ve failed your kids and they’re grown and gone
When you’ve done your best but it’s turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren have come along,
start over.

When you’ve prayed to God so you’ll know his will
When you’ve prayed and prayed and you don’t know still
When you want to stop cause you’ve had your fill,
start over.

When you think you’re finished and want to quit
When you’ve bottomed out in life’s deepest pit
When you’ve tried and tried to get out of it,
start over.

When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you’re feeling blue
God gives a January just for you,
start over.

Starting over means “Victories Won”
Starting over means “A Race Well Run”
Starting over means “The Lords’ Will Done”
We need not just sit there … START OVER.

                                         It’s Me The Dog

 

Dear God: Is it on purpose that our
Names Are spelled the same, only in reverse?

 

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
But seldom, if ever, smell one another?

 

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
On your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

 

Dear God: Why are there cars named after
The jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
The colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
Named for a Dog? How often do you
See a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
Ride! Would it be so hard to rename
The ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

 

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
In the forest and no human hears him,
Is he still a bad Dog?;

 

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human
Verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
Horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
Electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
Flight paths. What do humans understand?

 

Dear God: More meatballs,
Less spaghetti, please.

 

 

 

                                                 Thought of the Day-

The best six doctors anywhere, and no one can deny it.
Are sunshine, water, rest, air, exercise and diet.

 

 

Seven Things that took me 50 years to learn

By Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it’s full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

6. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

7. Your friends love you anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

                                                Dueling Letters

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:   

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009. 

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries…

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. 

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” 

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.  As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers —

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).  

THANK YOU, 

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Costume Party

Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

But that was okay. One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half … they went as an upper and lower GI

 

 

 

                                         What’s In A Name

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary

 

 

 

                                                The Lecture

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

 

 

 

 

                                                Dinner Time

On an airplane, the flight attendant asked a man, “Would you like dinner?”

The man responded, “What are my choices?”

The flight attendant answered, “Yes, or no.”

 

                                           Which Doctor

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter’s plane. She had just come back from a far away land where she was trying to find love and adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her. He was dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and was carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, “I said for you to marry a RICH doctor!

                 Five Phrases You Never Want To Hear During Surgery

5. Is that supposed to be there? The book said it should be on the other side.

4. Gosh, if this works, I hope they name the procedure after me!

3. Okay, we’re ready for the transplant, wheel in the pig.

2. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY?

1. Can you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.

 

 

 

                                                        Magnet

 

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

                                      A Glass of Milk

One day, a poor boy, who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you? “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”

He said… “Then I thank you from my heart.”

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was stronger also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many years later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words…..

“Paid in full with one glass of milk.” — Signed — Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank you, God , that Your love has spread through human hearts and hands.”

There’s a saying which goes something like this: “Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place.” And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?

—–

 

The Honeymoon is Over

 

My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said, “Are those your good pants?”

 

Super Offering

 

It was Super Bowl Sunday and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced:

“The ushers have elected to receive!”

Three Word Solution

 

At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right

Because of Love

A brother and sister had made their usual hurried,
obligatory pre- Christmas visit to the little farm where dwelt
their elderly parents with their small herd of horses. The farm
was where they had grown up and had been named Lone Pine Farm
because of the huge pine, which topped the hill behind the
farm. Through the years the tree had become a talisman to the
old man and his wife, and a landmark in the countryside. The
young siblings had fond memories of their childhood here, but
the city hustle and bustle added more excitement to their
lives, and called them away to a different life.

The old folks no longer showed their horses, for the years
had taken their toll, and getting out to the barn on those
frosty mornings was getting harder, but it gave them a reason to
get up in the mornings and a reason to live. They sold a few
foals each year, and the horses were their reason for joy in the
morning and contentment at day’s end.

Angry, as they prepared to leave, the young couple
confronted the old folks “Why do you not at least dispose of
The Old One.” She is no longer of use to you. It’s been years
since you’ve had foals from her. You should cut corners and save
so you can have more for yourselves. How can this old worn out
horse bring you anything but expense and work? Why do you keep
her anyway?”

The old man looked down at his worn boots, holes in the
toes, scuffed at the barn floor and replied, ” Yes, I could use
a pair of new boots.

His arm slid defensively about the Old One’s neck as he drew
her near with gentle caressing he rubbed her softly behind her
ears. He replied softly, “We keep her because of love. Nothing
else, just love.”

Baffled and irritated, the young folks wished the old man
and his wife a Merry Christmas and headed back toward the city
as darkness stole through the valley.

The old couple shook their heads in sorrow that it had not
been a happy visit. A tear fell upon their cheeks. How is it
that these young folks do not understand the peace of the love
that filled their hearts?

So it was, that because of the unhappy leave-taking, no one
noticed the insulation smoldering on the frayed wires in the old
barn. None saw the first spark fall. None but the “Old One”.

In a matter of minutes, the whole barn was ablaze and the
hungry flames were licking at the loft full of hay. With a cry
of horror and despair, the old man shouted to his wife to call
for help as he raced to the barn to save their beloved horses.
But the flames were roaring now, and the blazing heat drove him
back. He sank sobbing to the ground, helpless before the fire’s
fury. His wife back from calling for help cradled him in her
arms, clinging to each other, they wept at their loss.

By the time the fire department arrived, only smoking,
glowing ruins were left, and the old man and his wife, exhausted
from their grief, huddled together before the barn. They were
speechless as they rose from the cold snow covered ground. They
nodded thanks to the firemen as there was nothing anyone could
do now. The old man turned to his wife, resting her white head
upon his shoulders as his shaking old hands clumsily dried her
tears with a frayed red bandana. Brokenly he whispered, “We have
lost much, but God has spared our home on this eve of Christmas.
Let us gather strength and climb the hill to the old pine where
we have sought comfort in times of despair. We will look down
upon our home and give thanks to God that it has been spared and
pray for our beloved most precious gifts that have been taken
from us.

 

And so, he took her by the hand and slowly helped her up the
snowy hill as he brushed aside his own tears with the back of
his old and withered hand.

The journey up the hill was hard for their old bodies in the
steep snow. As they stepped over the little knoll at the crest
of the hill, they paused to rest, looking up to the top of the
hill the old couple gasped and fell to their knees in amazement
at the incredible beauty before them.

Seemingly, every glorious, brilliant star in the heavens was
caught up in the glittering, snow-frosted branches of their
beloved pine, and it was aglow with heavenly candles. And poised
on its top most bough, a crystal crescent moon glistened
like spun glass. Never had a mere mortal created a Christmas
tree such as this. They were breathless as the old man held his
wife tighter in his arms.

 Suddenly, the old man gave a cry of wonder and incredible
joy. Amazed and mystified, he took his wife by the hand and
pulled her forward. There, beneath the tree, in resplendent
glory, a mist hovering over and glowing in the darkness was
their Christmas gift. Shadows glistening in the night light.

Bedded down about the “Old One” close to the trunk of the
tree, was the entire herd, safe.

At the first hint of smoke, she had pushed the door ajar
with her muzzle and had led the horses through it. Slowly and
with great dignity, never looking back, she had led them up the
hill, stepping cautiously through the snow. The foals were
frightened and dashed about. The skittish yearlings looked back
at the crackling, hungry flames, and tucked their tails under
them as they licked their lips and hopped like rabbits. The
mares that were in foal with a new years crop of babies, pressed
uneasily against the “Old One” as she moved calmly up the hill
and to safety beneath the pine. And now she lay among them and
gazed at the faces of the old man and his wife.

Those she loved she had not disappointed. Her body was
brittle with years, tired from the climb, but the golden eyes
were filled with devotion as she offered her gift—

Because of love. Only Because of love.

 

Tears flowed as the old couple shouted their praise and
joy… And again the peace of love filled their hearts

Caws of Death

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah“, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

                                      Christmas Questions To Ponder???

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What does humpty dumpty have to do with Christmas?
A.  Egg Noggin

Q. What Language does Santa Speak?
A.  North Polish

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What’s a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. Who gives presents to baby sharks?
A. Santa Jaws.

Q. What do you call a girl singing ‘Jingle Bells’ at your front door
A. Carol.

Q. What comes before Christmas Eve?
A. Christmas Adam!

Q. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she heard such a clatter?
A. “Looks like rain, dear.”

 

                                    Christmas Dentist

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?” “Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!” “That’s probabably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.” “Why chrome?” the man asked. “Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 

Politically Correct Santa

(Adapted by Robby Dilmore from the poem of Harvey Ehrlich, ©1992)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves,”
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, with nothing to deliver
The absence of gifts made even poor Santa shiver.

So now was the time that true gifts could shine through                                                             A Savior was needed So Our Father came Through.

John 3:16 was God’s plan for the worlds celebration.                                                             So He sent His son to free every nation.

And I heard Him exclaim as He rose out of Sight                                                                              I’m sending My Spirit to guide you in what’s Right

                               

Glass Panes

 

An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children’s message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.” And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

 

 

Making the Grade

 

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

 

Vacation

 

My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.

When I commented that that was a really nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, “Well, actually, what she said was I was the ‘last resort.'”

 

Knight Riddle

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

A: Sir Render.

It Takes A Thief

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this! I am a United States congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

 

 

Adopted Grief

 

After fifty years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly. “But it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”

 

 

Nutritional Language

 

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

The Juan Way

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they finish, there’s such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?”

Jesus and the Mud Puddle

Author unknown… but you’ve got to believe a 6 year old

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago. His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad.

The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph. Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital , he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.

“Mikey, what happened?” Sheriff Marr asked. Mikey replied, “Well, Papaw, I was fishin’ with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin’ pole and I didn’t get to catch no fish!”

As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and in to the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone, which had broken in two places. Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine.

Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-Mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.

The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.

When they were alone Mikey, just as matter-of-fact, said, “Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?”

“Well,” the Sheriff replied, a little startled. “Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts.”

“No,” said Mikey. “I mean Jesus is REALLY real.”

“What do you mean?” asked the Sheriff.

“I know he’s real ’cause I saw him,” said Mikey, still casting into the trash can.
“You did?” said the Sheriff.

“Yep,” said Mikey. “When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole,
Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle.”

 

                         The “Three Kick Rule”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot below the Lawyers belt and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff had the lawyer’s wishing he hadn’t eaten that day. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old Codger. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Understanding Engineers #1

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #2

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them.”
The ophthalmologist added, “Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there’s anything I can do for them.”
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #3

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #4

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

Artery——————–The study of fine paintings.
Barium——————-What you do when CPR fails.
Dilate———————To live long.
Fester———————Quicker.
GI Series——————Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Hangnail—————–A coat hook.
Medical staff————A doctor’s cane.
Minor operation——–Coal digging.
Morbid——————-A higher offer.
Nitrate——————-Lower than the day rate.
Node———————Was aware of.
Organic——————Church musician.
Outpatient————–Person who has fainted.
Post-operative———-A letter carrier.
Protein——————-In favor of young people.
Tumor——————-An extra pair.
Urine——————–Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose veins———-Veins which are very close together.
Benign——————-What you be after you be eight.

Q: What’s the difference between a church bell and a crooked politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple

 

I’m trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable

 


Irena Sendler

A TRUE Story about a World War II Heroine

On May 12, 2008, a 98 year old Catholic social worker named Irena Sendler died in Poland. Here is why her story is so important… and TRUE!

During World War II, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ulterior motive…

Being German, Sendler KNEW what the Nazi’s plans were for the Jews.

She convinced Jewish parents that their children were facing death either in the Ghetto or in concentration camps and offered to rescue them.  She smuggled the children out of the Warsaw Ghetto and hid them in the homes of Poles, who adopted them, or in orphanages or convents.  She smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried, and smuggled larger kids in a Burlap sack.

She also had a dog, in the back of her truck, that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog, and the barking covered up any noises the children might make.

Irena made lists of the children’s names and family connections and hid them in jars in her garden so that someday she could find the children and tell them who they were.

Sendler was eventually discovered, arrested, and tortured (where they broke her arms and legs), and imprisoned by the Nazis.  The Polish underground bribed a guard to let her escape and she spent the rest of the war in hiding.

During her time and the course of this rescue mission, she managed to smuggle out and save the lives of Twenty Five Hundred (2500) infants and older kids.

After the war, she tried to locate any of their parents who may have survived it all, and reunite the families. Most of the parents, however, had been eliminated in the famous gas chambers.

Last year Irena was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
She lost to Al Gore, who won for a slide show on Global Warming.

“10 Things a Mom Doesn’t Want to Hear”

 

1. Mommy, what happens when you swallow a quarter?

2. Mommy your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Mommy, does Kool-Aid leave a stain???

4. I saved you money mommy, I cut my own hair…

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. Mommy, what’s it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my snake???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.

10. Mommy, what happens when you flush your goldfish down the toilet?

 

                                          Comedian Convention

Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the funnymen shouted out numbers: “56!” “923!” “307!” Each time a number was called, the others would laugh and laugh.

Finally he asked his host, “What are the numbers for?” The other man explained, “Oh, we’ve been coming to these conventions for so long, everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and then save time by using the number alone.”

The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, so he stood up and called out, “468!” and no one laughed. There was a dead silence.

Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and said condescendingly, “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

Yuma Guy

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot Western skies.
The Puma had no sense of huma!

                                                     Deacon  Clubbing

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” said Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown. “However, you sent us some golf pencils … each stamped with the words, ‘Play Golf Next Sunday.'”

 

                               The Answer is Blowin in the Wind

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer!

 

                                               Computer Mom

I had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and lightbulbs. “Don’t look up there!” my mother screamed. “It’s the one thing I was too tired to clean!”

“Don’t look where?” my brother asked.

“There!” my mother pointed. “It’s my own personal web sight!”

                                            

                                                 Statistically

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

                                              Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

                                                  Oxymoron’s

– Act naturally                                         – Almost exactly

– Found missing                                       – Terribly pleased

– Resident alien                                        – Sanitary landfill

– Advanced BASIC                                 – Good grief

– Genuine imitation                                 -Same difference

– Airline Food                                           – Alone together

– Legally drunk

God’s Cake

Sometimes we wonder, “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why did God have to do this to me?”  Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she’s failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, “Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.”

“Here, have some cooking oil,” her Mother offers.

“Yuck” says her daughter.

“How about a couple raw eggs?”

“Gross, Mom!”

“Would you like some flour then?  Or maybe baking soda?”

“Mom, those are all yucky!”

To which the mother replies, “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

 

 

 

 

Ode to Black and White TV!

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
“Good night, David; Good night, Chet”.
Dependin’ on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura – or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night–
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They’d never make the network now.

But if I could, I’d rather be
In a TV town in ’53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.

I’d trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white.

 

“Parable of the Pencil!”

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. “There are 5 things you need to know,” he told the pencil, “Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.”

“One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone’s hand.”

“Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you’ll need it to become a better pencil.”

“Three: I will be able to correct mistakes you might make.”

“Four: The most important part of you will always be what’s inside.”

“And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.”

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now remember the pencil is like you. Always remember it and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow > yourself to be held in God’s hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems, but you’ll need it to become a stronger person.

Three: God will be able to forgive mistakes you might make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what’s on the inside.

And Five: On every surface you walk through, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to do your duties.

By understanding and remembering, let us proceed with our life on this earth having a meaningful purpose in our heart.

 

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor…
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
Then he addressed Tom, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote o n a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only y to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

 

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”

 

 

The Wisdom of the Navajo



A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.



During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”



The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade!”

LETTER TO GOD

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”



Precious Lord – Thomas A. Dorsey

Birth of a Song

A TRUE Story — by Thomas A. Dorsey

Back in 1932, I was 32 years old and a fairly new husband. My wife, Nettie and I were living in a little apartment on Chicago’s Southside. One hot August afternoon I had to go to St. Louis, where I was to be the featured soloist at a large revival meeting. I didn’t want to go. Nettie was in the last month of pregnancy with our first child. But a lot of people were expecting me in St. Louis. I kissed Nettie good-bye, clattered downstairs to our Model A and, in a fresh Lake Michigan breeze, chugged out of Chicago on Route 66.

However, outside the city, I discovered that in my anxiety at leaving, had forgotten my music case. I wheeled around and headed back. I found Nettie sleeping peacefully. I hesitated by her bed; something was strongly telling me to stay. But eager to get on my way, and not wanting to disturb Nettie, I shrugged off the feeling and quietly slipped out of the room with my music.

The next night, in the steaming St. Louis heat, the crowd called on me to sing again and again. When I finally sat down, a messenger boy ran up with a Western Union telegram. I ripped open the envelope. Pasted on the yellow sheet were the words: YOUR WIFE JUST DIED. People were happily singing and clapping around me, but I could hardly keep from crying out. I rushed to a phone and called home. All I could hear on the other end was “Nettie is dead. Nettie is dead.”

When I got back, I learned that Nettie had given birth to a boy. I swung between grief and joy. Yet that night, the baby died. I buried Nettie and our little boy together, in the same casket. Then I fell apart. For days I closeted myself. I felt that God had done me an injustice. I didn’t want to serve Him any more or write gospel songs. I just wanted to go back to that jazz world I once knew so well.

But then, as I hunched alone in that dark apartment those first sad days, I thought back to the afternoon I went to St. Louis. Something kept telling me to stay with Nettie. Was that something God? Oh, if I had paid more attention to Him that day, I would have stayed and been with Nettie when she died. From that moment on I vowed to listen more closely to Him.

But still I was lost in grief. Everyone was kind to me, especially a friend, Professor Frye, who seemed to know what I needed. On the following Saturday evening he took me up to Madam Malone’s Poro College, a neighborhood music school. It was quiet; the late evening sun crept through the curtained windows. I sat down at the piano, and my hands began to browse over the keys.

Something happened to me then I felt at peace. I feel as though I could reach out and touch God. I found myself playing a melody, one I’d never heard or played before, and the words into my head-they just seemed to fall into place:

“Precious Lord, take my hand,
lead me on, let me stand!
I am tired, I am weak,
I am worn, Through the storm,
through the night lead me on to the light,
Take my hand, precious Lord, Lead me home.”

The Lord gave me these words and melody. He also healed my spirit. I learned that when we are in our deepest grief, when we feel farthest from God, this is when He is closest, and when we are most open to His restoring power. And so I go on living for God willingly and joyfully, until that day comes when He will take me and gently lead me home.

Thomas A. Dorsey
Gospel Songwriter

Children in Church

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers
passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat,
the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for
me Daddy, I’m under five.”

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,”
the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so
quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged
on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
“Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First
Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit
still and be quiet. About half way through the sermon, she leaned
over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is
going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all
over again!’ It worked.”

Camping Humor

The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. 

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system — no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”

 

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “What is the quickest way to the lake?
The local thought for awhile. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.
“I’m driving.”
“That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Some Camping Tips

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of… Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

———-

Camping Life Lessons

Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1” where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.

When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your “vacation” you’ll be too tired to go back for a week after.


I live in a semi-rural area. We  recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too  many deer were being hit by cars and she didn’t want them to cross there  anymore. I know I’ve recently been with some of these people…

                                         Refined Humor

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:
Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania And Texas

The Problem: Our dipsticks are located in Washington, DC ~~~
Any Questions?

 

Do you know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed!… Just Sayin

 

                                   The Whisper Test

Mary Ann Bird, was born with multiple birth defects: deaf in one ear, a cleft palate, a disfigured face, a crooked nose and lopsided feet. As a child, she dreaded other children staring at her and asking the embarrassing question: “What happened to your lip?” ”I cut it on a piece of glass,” she would lie.

Each year the children had their hearing tested at school. The classroom teacher would call each child to the front desk and have the child cover first one ear, and then the other. The teacher would then whisper some simple phrase to the child, such as, “The sky is blue” or “You have new shoes.” This was the whisper test. If the child could repeat the phrase, then their hearing was apparently fine and they passed the test. To avoid humiliation, Mary Ann always cheated on the test, casually cupping her hand over her one good ear so that she could hear what the teacher said.

One year, Mary Ann’s classroom teacher was Miss Leonard, one of the most loved and popular teachers in the school. She exuded gentleness and loved the children deeply. When the time came for Mary Ann’s hearing test, Mary Ann cupped her hand over her good ear as she had done so many times before and strained to hear what Miss Leonard would whisper. “I waited for those words,” Mary Ann wrote, “that God must have put into her mouth; those seven words that changed my life.” Miss Leonard did not say, “The sky is blue” or “You have new shoes.” She whispered, “I wish you were my little girl.” And those seven positive, powerful words became a watershed moment in Mary Ann Bird’s life.

Nothing really changed for Mary Ann Bird. She remained disfigured and deaf in one ear and the object of her classmates’ painful ridicule. But everything changed for Mary Ann Bird. She began to see that her classmates’ judgments were neither the only words about her nor the final words. She started to understand herself as loved and lovable and dared to envision a future not constrained by her circumstances but a future that could transcend them. Indeed, following in the footsteps of the teacher who set her free, Mary Ann Bird herself became an acclaimed teacher known for her compassion and kindness.

                 LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’  After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.  The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’  ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.  ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.   ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’

 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, ‘Larry!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’  Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

 

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  ‘Yes,’ said the policeman.  ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’  Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Twenty Daffynitions

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds


2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do


3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with


5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate


6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy Ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money


11. MISTY: How golfers create divots


12. PARADOX: Two physicians


13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower


14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm


15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with


16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does


20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor..’Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back,’IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ONTHE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs likethat?’

 

‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watchdogs!

 

26 Guards

Have you ever felt the urge to pray for someone and then just put it on a list and said, “I’ll pray for them later?”  Or, has anyone ever called you and said, “I need you to pray for me, I have this need?”  Read this story – may it change the way that you think about prayer and also the way you pray.  You will be blessed by this.

A missionary on furlough told this story while visiting his home church in Michigan. “While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point.

On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord.

I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident.

Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried money and medicines. He said, “Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards. At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, “No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone.”

At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date, and the man who interrupted told him this story: “On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong, I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?”  The men who had met together to pray that day stood up.

The missionary wasn’t concerned with who they were, he was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26.

 

MARVELOUSLY MATURE!

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING “MARVELOUSLY MATURE” WHEN………….

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. When happy hour is a nap.

8. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

9. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

10. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

11. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

12. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

13. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

 

“Mom’s Dictionary”

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

MAYBE: No.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                              The Deacon

 

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it.

 

One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can’t find a seat. By now people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.

 

Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit, a godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves, you can’t blame him for what he’s going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man’s cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can’t even hear anyone breathing.

 

The people are thinking. The minister can’t even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won’t be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion.

 

When the minister gains control he says, “What I’m about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read.”

                                     Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.

I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.


I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

                                        

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN!



Forrest Gump’s Entrance Exam

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven, where he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We’ve heard so many good things about you. I must inform you, though, the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The quiz is short, but you need to pass it before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter goes on… “I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions and youcan have the night to think about it. So, here it is:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year? … and…
3. What is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer all three questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you’ve had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking… but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds are in a year?”

“Now, that one’s harder” says Forrest, “but I thought and thought about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says “Twelve! Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forest says, “Aw, come on, St. Peter, there’s gotta be twelve. January second, and February second, and March second…”

“Hold it” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going, and I guess I see your point, but that wasn’t what I had in mind. But, I’ll give you credit for that one, too. Now, let’s go on with the final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forrest quickly replied, “Andy.”

Again, St. Peter asked, “How in the world did you come up with Andy?”

Forrest smiled and said, “You know, St. Peter, from that song we all sing in church…
“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.”

The Pastor’s Son

One night in a church service a young woman felt the tug of God at her heart. She responded to God’s call and accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

The young woman had a very rough past, involving alcohol, drugs, and prostitution. But, the change in her was evident. As time went on she became a faithful member of the church.

She eventually became involved in the ministry, teaching young children.

It was not very long until this faithful young woman had caught the eye and heart of the pastor’s son. The relationship grew and they began to make wedding plans.

This is when the problem began. You see, about one half of the church did not think that a woman with a past such as hers was suitable for a pastor’s son.

The church began to argue and fight about the matter. So they decided to have a meeting.

As the people made their arguments and tensions increased, the meeting was getting completely out of hand.

The young woman became very upset about all the things being brought up about her past.

As she began to cry the pastor’s son stood to speak. He could not bear the pain it was causing his wife to be. He began to speak and his statement was this:
“My fiancee’s past is not what is on trial here. What you are questioning is the ability of the blood of Jesus to wash away sin. Today you have put the blood of Jesus on trial. So, does it wash away sin or not?”

The whole church began to weep as they realized that they had been slandering the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ .

Too often, even as Christians, we bring up the past and use it as a weapon against our brothers and sisters.

Forgiveness is a very foundational part of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

If the blood of Jesus does not cleanse the other person completely, then it cannot cleanse us completely.

If that is the case, then we are all in a lot of trouble.

What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee; he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. — Psalm 55:23

THE OPENING PARAGRAPH MAKES THE PROPER STATEMENT TO SET THE MOOD.

AND WE THINK GOD DOESN’T TALK TO US?

Consumed by my loss, I didn’t notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend – my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father’s death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When mother’s illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle female child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.

“What now, Lord?” I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss.

My brother  sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife’s hand.  My sister sat slumped against her husband’s shoulder, his arms around her as  she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.  My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk,  taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible  together. Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone. I  heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps  hurried along the carpeted floor.

An exasperated young man looked  around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on  his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. “I’m late,”  he explained, though no explanation was necessary. After several eulogies, he  leaned over and commented, “Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of  ‘Margaret?'”

“Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one  called her ‘Mary,'” I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn’t have sat  on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and  fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?

“No, that isn’t correct,” he  insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, “her name is Mary,  Mary Peters.”

“That isn’t who this is.”

“Isn’t this the Lutheran  church?”

No, the Lutheran church is across the  street.”

“Oh.”

“I believe you’re at the wrong funeral,  Sir.”

The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the  man’s mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands  over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me  away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more  hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was  laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful  exit.

I imagined Mother laughing. At the final “Amen,” we darted out a  door and into the parking lot.

“I do believe we’ll be the talk of the  town,” he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt’s  funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.

That afternoon began a  lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was  in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country  church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the  same church, right on time.

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter.  In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our  twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick  tells them, “Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it’s truly a match  made in heaven.”

If you Love God for all the marvelous things he has  done for you, send this on to others.

REMEMBER, God doesn’t make  mistakes. He puts us where we are supposed to  be.

                                     Phyllis Diller

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. ??As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

RETARDED  GRANDPARENTS        
(this  was actually reported by a teacher) 


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their  holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: 

We  always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and  Grandpa.
 

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they  moved to Batemans Bay  where  everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to  mow the grass anymore!


They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags  because they don’t know who they are anymore.
 

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got  it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises  there, but they don’t do them very well.
 

There  is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with  hats on.
   At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in  it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! 
Nobody  there cooks, they just eat out.
 
And,  they eat the same thing every night — early birds.
 

Some  of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll  house.
  The  ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot  luck.

My  Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment  and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday  too.


When  I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll  house.
 Then  I will let people out, so they can visit their  grandchildren.

 

Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those ‘shall’s’ and ‘shall not’s’ in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the ‘King James’ into ‘ Jackson County ‘ language….

no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin’ before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin’
(7) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal

(8) Don’t take what ain’t yers
(9) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’
(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

Now that’s plain an’ simpleY’all have a nice day now ya hear!
And bless your little heart….
 

 

 

                   A TRUE STORY By Helen Roseveare, Missionary to Africa

One night, in Central Africa, I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all that we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying, two-year-old daughter.

We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive. We had no incubator. We had no electricity to run an incubator, and no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts.

A student-midwife went for the box we had for such babies and for the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly, in distress, to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. “…and it is our last hot water bottle!” she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk; so, in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over a burst water bottle. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. All right,” I said, “Put the baby as near the fire as you safely can; sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm.”

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with many of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chilled. I also told them about the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt consciousness of our African children. “Please, God,” she prayed, “send us a water bottle. It’ll be no good tomorrow, God, the baby’ll be dead; so, please send it this afternoon.” While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of corollary, ” …And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she’ll know You really love her?” As often with children’s prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, “Amen?” I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything: The Bible says so, but there are limits, aren’t there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time that I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel! I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone; so, I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then, there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children began to look a little bored. Next, came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas – – that would make a nice batch of buns for the weekend. As I put my hand in again, I felt the…could it really be? I grasped it, and pulled it out. Yes, “A brand-new rubber, hot water bottle!” I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, “If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!” Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone: She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked, “Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she’ll know that Jesus really loves her?”

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday School class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God’s prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. One of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child — five months earlier in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it “That afternoon!” “And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24

Helen Roseveare, a missionary from Northern Ireland, included this true story in her book “Living Faith.” She has written about the revival that took place in the 1950’s in what was then the Belgian Congo. She has been associated with WEC (World Evangelization for Christ) at www.wec-int.org/

It All Adds Up

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies. A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby.”

The man says, “What a coincidence! I’m the president of And1!”

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had twins!”

The man says, “What a coincidence! I’m the owner of the Minnesota Twins!” 

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, “Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!”

The man says, “What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!”

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, “Why are you crying?”

The man replies, “I work for Seven Up”



You can take it with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”

“The great street of the city of heaven was of pure gold.”
– Revelation 21:21

The Stable Table

On the sixth day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life… you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

Next, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (sigh).

Next God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the Seventh day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

                                        Fly By Night Mechanics

Remember… it takes a college degree to fly an airplane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

 



Is Packaging Important?

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man’s name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” He then stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and a wonderful family, but realizing his father was very old, he thought perhaps he should go to see him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make the arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he was reading, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words… “PAID IN FULL”.

How many times do we miss blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.


    New Jersey Fire Truck

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.’

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby  Lodi ,  NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the  Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the Italian fire chief, ‘What are you going to do with all that money?’

‘Wella,’ said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, ‘de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat olda truck!!’

Signs In Foreign Lands

·  On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

·  In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

·  One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

·  A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

·  In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

·  In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

·  An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

·  Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

·  The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 

Coutroom Comedy…Questions Asked an Answered

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.



                                                     Buy The Milk

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had spoken about “listening to God and obeying the Lord’s voice.”

The young man couldn’t help but wonder, “Does God still speak to people?” After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o’clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray,”God, if you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.”

driving through town at nightAs he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, “God is that you?” He didn’t get a reply, so he started on toward home. But again, the thought came to him… buy a gallon of milk.

The young man thought about Samuel, and how he didn’t recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. “Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.” It didn’t seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. So, he stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started toward home.

As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, “Turn down that street.” This is crazy, he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, “Okay, God, I will”.

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi-commercial area of town. It wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark, like people were already in bed.

gallon of milkAgain, he sensed something, “Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.” The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. “Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.”

Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door and said, “Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but, if they don’t answer right away, I am out of here.”

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man’s voice yelled out, “Who is it? What do you want?” Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn’t seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep.

The man asked, “What is it?”

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk and said, “Here, I brought this to you,” he said. The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway speaking loudly in Spanish. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. man holding crying babyThe man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, “We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn’t have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.” His wife in the kitchen yelled out,”I ask him to send an angel with some. Are you an Angel?”

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put it in the man’s hand. Then he turned and walked back toward his car and tears were streaming down his face. He knew then that God does still speak to people… and answer prayers.

Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“If you didn’t have any money, I’d still love you. And miss you very much.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday — so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!”

PUN-tificating

All Puns Intended
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done

 

                                                    Alabama Fishing

A good ol’ Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says…
“What you gonna do with that. There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”

He says, “I won it and I’m a-gonna keep it.”

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, “He’s out there in that boat he winned,” pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, “What are you doin’?”

His brother replies, “I’m fishin.’ What does it look like I’m a doin’?”

His brother yells, “It’s people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin’ everybody think we’re stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and Tan your hide!!”

Inspirational and Inspiring Gifts



Funny Directions To Follow

In case you need further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on current consumer goods.

On a Sear’s hair dryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. “Details inside.”
(The shoplifter special)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(But, it’s “just” a suggestion)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”
(Too late!)

On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(As night follows day)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But, wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

 

 

With the death of Neil Armstrong, many of us are remembering the excitement of the night he and Buzz Aldrin landed and walked on the moon.  I was unaware of this story,  (The Snopes citation at the end gives other interesting details of the story.)

42 years ago…guess what happened… many have not heard of this
before . . .
Communion on the Moon: 
July 20, 1969
(This is an article by Eric Metaxas)

“Forty-two years ago two human beings changed history by walking on the surface of the moon. But what happened before Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong exited the Lunar Module is perhaps even more amazing, if only because so few people know about it. “I’m talking about the fact that Buzz Aldrin took communion on the surface of the moon. Some months after his return, he wrote about it in Guideposts magazine.

And a few years ago I had the privilege of meeting him myself. I asked him about it and he confirmed the story to me, and I wrote about in my book, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know
About God (But Were Afraid to Ask.”

The background to the story is t hat Aldrin was an elder at his Presbyterian Church in Texas during this period in his life, and knowing that he would soon be doing something unprecedented in human history, he felt he  should mark the occasion somehow, and he asked his minister to help him. And so the minister consecrated a communion wafer and a small vial of communion wine. And Buzz Aldrin
took them with him out of the Earth’s orbit and on to the surface of the moon.
He and Armstrong had only been on the lunar surface for a few minutes when Aldrin made the following public statement:  “This is the LM pilot. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask every

person listening in, whoever and wherever they may be, to pause for a moment and contemplate the events of the past few hours and to give thanks in his or her own way.” He then ended radio
communication and there, on the silent surface of the moon, 250,000 miles from home, he read a verse from the Gospel of John, and he took communion.


Here is his own account of what happened:

“In the radio blackout, I opened the little plastic packages which contained the bread and the wine. I poured the wine into the chalice our church had given me. In the one-sixth gravity of the
moon, the wine slowly curled and gracefully came up the side of the cup. Then I read the scripture, ‘I am the vine, you are the branches.Whosoever abides in me will bring forth much fruit..Apart from me you can do nothing.’

“I had intended to read my communion passage back to earth, but at the last minute [they] had requested that I not do this. NASA was already embroiled in a legal battle with Madelyn Murray
O’Hare, the celebrated opponent of religion, over the Apollo 8 crew reading from Genesis while orbiting the moon at Christmas. I agreed reluctantly.

“I ate the tiny Host and swallowed the wine. I gave thanks for the intelligence and spirit that had brought two young pilots to the Sea of Tranquility . It was interesting for me to think: the very first liquid ever poured on the moon, and the very first food eaten there, were the communion elements.”

And of course, it’s interesting to think that some of the first words spoken on the moon were the words of Jesus Christ, who made the Earth and the moon – and Who, in the immortal words of Dante, is Himself the “Love that moves the Sun and other stars.”

How many knew this? Too bad this type news doesn’t travel as fast as the bad does… share it if you’ve felt God’s Love.”

 

Little Thoughts

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states

Men are just Happier People

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Chocolate is just another snack.You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your oyster.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can play with toys all your life.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You can do Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. 

No wonder men are happier!

 

 

Five Houses Of Religion


The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Lutheran Church ,
 
The Catholic Church and
 
The Jewish Synagogue.


Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.


One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week


The Lutheran Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But — The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
 Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

 

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

100+ Years of Fatherhood

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at gym, Pizza in the fridge.”

 

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys ‘R’ Us, and the kid says, “But I wanted an X-box!”

 

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.

                              Deaf Wife

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”  

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”  

No response. So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.  

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  

Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there is no response.

So, he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Clyde, for the fifth time… CHICKEN!”

 

Pinewood Derby

My son Gilbert was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time. During one of his meetings he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood and four tires and told to return home and give all to “dad”.

That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do. Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son. But Gilbert tried. Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pine wood derby car with his young eager son. The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed. Finally, mom stepped in to see if she could figure this all out. The project began.

Having no carpentry skills,I decided it would be best if I simply read the directions and let Gilbert do the work. And he did. I read aloud the measurements, the rules of what we could do and what we couldn’t do. Within days his block of wood was turning into a pinewood derby car. A little lopsided, but looking great (at least through the eyes of mom). Gilbert had not seen any of the other kids’ cars and was feeling pretty proud of his “Blue Lightning”, the pride that comes with knowing you did something on your own.

Then the big night came. With his blue pinewood derby car in his hand and pride in his heart we headed to the big race. Once there my little one’s pride turned to humility. Gilbert’s car was obviously the only car made entirely on his own. All the other cars were a father-son partnership, with cool paint jobs and sleek body styles made for speed.

A few of the boys giggled as they looked at Gilbert’s lopsided, wobbly, unattractive vehicle. To add to the humility, Gilbert was the only boy without a man at his side. A couple of the boys who were from single parent homes at least had an uncle or grandfather by their side, Gilbert had “mom”.

As the race began it was done in elimination fashion. You kept racing as long as you were the winner. One by one the cars raced down the finely sanded ramp. Finally it was between Gilbert and the sleekest, fastest looking car there. As the last race was about to begin, my wide eyed, shy eight year old asked if they could stop the race for a minute, because he wanted to pray. The race stopped.

Gilbert went to his knees clutching his funny looking block of wood between his hands. With a wrinkled brow he set to converse with his Father. He prayed in earnest for a very long minute and a half. Then he stood, smile on his face and announced, ‘Okay, I am ready.”

As the crowd cheered, a boy named Tommy stood with his father as their car sped down the ramp. Gilbert stood with his Father within his heart and watched his block of wood wobble down the ramp with surprisingly great speed and rushed over the finish line a fraction of a second before Tommy’s car. Gilbert leaped into the air with a loud “Thank You” as the crowd roared in approval.

The Scout Master came up to Gilbert with microphone in hand and asked the obvious question, “So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?” To which my young son answered, “Oh, no sir. That wouldn’t be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I wouldn’t cry when I lost.”

—–

Children seem to have a wisdom far beyond us. Gilbert didn’t ask God to win the race, he didn’t ask God to fix the outcome. Gilbert asked God to give him strength in the outcome. When Gilbert first saw the other cars he didn’t cry out to God, “No fair, they had a father’s help!” No, Gilbert went to his Heavenly Father for strength.

Perhaps we spend too much of our prayer time asking God to rig the race, to make us number one, or too much time asking God to remove us from the struggle, when we should be seeking God’s strength to get us through the struggle.

“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.

Gilbert’s simple prayer spoke volumes to those present that night. He never doubted that God would indeed answer his request. He didn’t pray to win, thus hurt someone else, he prayed that God supply the grace to lose with dignity. Gilbert, by his stopping the race to speak to his Father also showed the crowd that he wasn’t there without a “dad”, but he also went away a winner that night, with his Father at his side.

May we all learn to pray this way.

Treble Key

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. (I always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

                                          Empty Promises

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, “I have such a terrible headache!”

 The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

 

Can of Worms

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”

“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

 

                                           Eenie, Meenie

 

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, “How many children do you have?”

The woman answered, “Four.”

The census taker asked, “May I have their names, please?” The woman replied, “Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George.”

Confused, the census taker said, “May I ask why you named your fourth child ‘George’?”

“Surely, because we didn’t want any Moe.”

 

                              School of Hard Knocks

 

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.

“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”

The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

  Name That Child  

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

The mother: “What did you name her?!?”

Brother: “Denise!”

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Brother: “The second one was a boy.”

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Brother: “Denephew.”

FATHER (reprovingly)–“Do you know what happens to liars when they die?”

JOHNNY–“Yes, sir; they lie still.”

A little boy asked his teacher one day, “Teacher do you punish people for things they don’t do?”

The teacher replied, “No”. The little boy said, “Good, because I did not do my homework”.

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

“How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

        Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were


discussing a picture of a family. One little boy

in the picture had a different hair color

than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, ‘I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..’

‘What does it mean to be adopted?’,

asked another child.

‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew
in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that

he’d set his heart on being in it,

though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school.

Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement..

‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted,

and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me….’I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.’

Rasputin The Skunk

by Robby Dilmore

As a boy I was more than fascinated by Rasputin, a Russian monk who was nearly impossible to kill. Now the stuff of legend, Rasputin fell out of good graces with the Russian Royal family before the 1917 revolution and was encountered by a host of assassins. He was reportedly given enough poison to kill five men yet seemed unaffected so they shot him in the back and left for a time. Upon their return he lunged at them so they shot him several more times. Still fighting to get up they clubbed Rasputin till he appeared dead. The assassins then wrapped his body in a carpet and threw him in the Icy, (It was December in Russia) Neva River. Rasputin’s body was recovered two days later with water in his lungs meaning he actually drowned after all that. Now that’s the kinda thing a young boy finds fascinating for sure, but when you actually experience an event like that it’s another thing entirely.

 

Vic Hill, a business partner and long time friend of mine lived in, Goochland, Va. and every time I had come to visit for the last few months his whole house reeked of skunk. He told me his dog kept having run-ins with a very fragrant skunk and that many times he would see the varmint himself if he made the mistake of shinning a flash light in the woods to the left of the house. Already dark I had an idea.

 

Vic and I had hunted for years together and we even had the same Winchester shotguns we had bought together years ago, and so I asked if he still had his 12gauge and could I take a shot at ending this stinking problem. Vic then sent his son, Doug (about 13 at the time) after the gun and a flash light.

 

Armed with three shells in the gun and an extra three shells just in case, I crept around the side of the house, with Doug right behind. Sure enough the moment Doug shined the flashlight on the left of the house the reeking rodent charged. Click, off went the safety and “blam” with one shot the little stinker rolled back up into the woods and sheewwwy, apparently he sprayed as he rolled. We peered with the light up into the woods where he rolled and oh my word, he came charging again, “blam” the second shot was as good as the first he rolled back up into the woods again stink and blood a flyin. As Doug and I were high fiving the demise of the monochromatic marauder, we heard a rustle of leaves, shining the light and back he came with that waddle run heading right for us,  this being the last shell in the gun I took careful aim and “blam” once again he rolled back up into the woods. Not only was I now convinced I was dealing with Rasputin the skunk, but the term stinking to high heaven seemed a giant understatement for the current aroma.

 

Eyes tearing up I screamed, “Doug get me those other shells in case he ain’t done!” Doug handed them to me and before I could get them loaded, Rasputin was on the move, fierce as ever. I was sure this thing must be rabid. How in the world could a rodent take this kind of firepower? I have shot rabbits at three times the distance and with one shot killed them dead as a hammer. None the less, Rasputin was charging and before I could get all three loaded I jacked one in the chamber and, “blam” sent him rolling back again.

 

Taking no chances I loaded the other shells and braced for a further onslaught. Stink, oh my word did it stink. Doug started backing up to the house sayin, “I’m not sure you can kill that thing with a shotgun!”

 

I was thinking perhaps it would be good to have a bazooka about now, but then sure enough we heard that familiar sound of leaves and Doug brought the light up. Rasputin appeared far from dead once again charging at us with all the vigor of the first time, “blam” the now familiar roll back into the woods and the added spray leaving a pungent stench I didn’t know was even possible.

 

Last shell, this is impossible, what possesses this polecat? Perhaps Vic’s shells had been defective or the choke of the gun had gone bad, yet the way Rasputin rolled up into the woods with each shot it looked like he was getting blasted. Then the rustle of leaves and through the spray and smoke the now familiar face of the charging Rasputin, last shot I’ll wait till I see the white’s of his eyes, “blam”, Rasputin rolled back up into the woods. “Doug, go get some more shells quick”, I screamed.

 

Now before I tell you what happened next, I need to share what God taught me through this incident and perhaps it will be as memorable for you as it has been for me. Like all God lessons He brings them down to my level of understanding and often, like this time they are engraved in my mind by circumstances. The lesson: during the smoke and stink of life and death bloody battles you don’t know for sure who you are up against, how many are for you or how many are against you, or the exact location of enemy or friendly fire.

 

This incident happened almost thirty years ago now, but through recent years God has revealed this battle understanding in a new light that perhaps Elisha saw it in 2 Kings 6 but few others get a glimpse. Ephesians 6: 12 NLT “For we* are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

 

Did you see that? It’s all plural; rulers, powers, enemies, authorities. Yes, those for you are greater than those against you, but don’t fail to see that those against you are many and come from many different angles. The really helpful thing here is that by analyzing the point of attack you can discover the enemies plan.

 

Deep in prayer on my way back from a Dangerous Heart Boot camp talk on your “New Name” from Revelation 2:17. I was asking God, “What do You call me?”

 

God clearly answered me, “Robby, I call you, Faithful.”

 

Faithful, really? “Come on God don’t I get a cooler name than Faithful, it sounds like an old dog. Here Faithful come here boy, man I thought You would say Warrior or Brave Heart but Faithful, really?

 

Understanding the point of attack strategy; basically Satan is combing the horizon looking for God’s glory revealed in some image bearer, (that’s us) and when he see that Glory come out of the fox hole, “Bam”, he whacks you, like, “whack a mole”. I decided to check this strategy so I asked myself, “How would you attack faithful?”  Hmm “Betrayal, that’s how you would attack faithful” and with that understanding came an immediate context for the attacks of my life. Simply put Satan hates my faithfulness and he attacks that with betrayal in an effort to get me to hide my glory. Now armed with this understanding I can now chose to walk in my God given identity and resist the devil. Now I see the unseen coming out of the smoke and stink of battle rising up to my freedom in Christ.

 

So what about old Rasputin did the sixth shot kill him? As Doug and I finally got the courage to go look up in the woods not only did it kill him, but the previous five as well, a total of six dead skunks in the woods and stink, oh my did it stink. Doug and I both had to throw away those cloths and shoes. Perhaps with this understanding you can put on some new duds yourself…..

                                 THE PASTOR’S FALSE TEETH

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up…

 

 

“Arithmetic and the Ark!”

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!”

Then closing the great doors of the ark he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

“We can’t,” said the snakes, “We’re adders.”

“Windshield Wiper Lesson from a Child”

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick. Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat. “Mom, I’m thinking of something.” This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear. “What are you thinking?” I asked. “The rain,” he began, “is like sin and the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away.” After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. “That’s really good, Matthew.” Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation? So I asked… “Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?” Matthew didn’t hesitate one moment with his answer: “We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us.”

                                              Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings


Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

                                      Mother’s Funnies

Matthew: What did the mother rope say to her child?
Jim: What?
Matthew: “Don’t be knotty.”

Ryan: Why did you chop the joke book in half?
John: Mom said to cut the comedy.

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?
Bobbie: East?
Robbie: No. Larry.

Daffynition: Sweater—something you wear when your mother gets cold.

 

             15 “Mom” Questions Passed on from Generation to Generation

 

  • Don’t you know loud music can ruin your hearing for the rest of your LIFE?

 

  • When will you learn that life is not just FUN?
  • Where do you think you’re going to wearing THAT? Do you know how *I* dressed when *I* was your age?

 

  • If I ever talked to MY parents…

 

  • Whatever made you think that ____ is too old to spank?

 

  • As long as you live under MY roof,……

 

  • “I have told you a thousand and one times not to exaggerate!”

 

  • “Shut that door–do you think you live in a barn?

 

  • “What do you think you’re doing?

 

  • “Wait tell your father gets home.”

 

  • I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!

 

  • “Do you want me to wipe that smile off your face?”

 

  • “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached to your body.”

 

  • “How many times do I have to TELL you!”

 

  • Do you know that no matter what you do, where you go, or what you become, your mom will always love you

 

 

                                                         Laboring Under a False Assumption


For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

 

                                                                           Flower Power

 

A small sect of friars decided to see how large they could grow Venus fly traps. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing.

The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said “No. We’re not leaving”. So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, “No way.” And all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, “We’re staying”. So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.

Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, “Get out of town, now!”. The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


                                                                                        MOM

The first Mother’s Day was celebrated in West Virginia in 1912. Mothers were to be recognized as an important part of our culture and lives. The heart of a mother is like a rare jewel. They love their children during the worst and best of times.

Yet all mothers are not the same. Author and speaker Patsy Clairmont says, “Normal is just a setting on your clothes dryer.” We are all different. She shared that as women we may “struggle, fail, start over, and celebrate.” But we are mothers who can love unlike any other person.

A familiar mother’s day poem written in the early 1900’s is:

M is for the Many things she gave me,
O means only that she’s growing Old.
T is for the Tears she shed to save me,
H is for her Heart of purest gold.
E is for her Eyes with love light shining,
R means Right and Right she’ll always be.

Put them all together, they spell MOTHER.
A word that means the world to me.

God created families and gave mothers a unique place in that unit. We can love, give of ourselves, cook, clean, wash clothes, put Band-Aids on scrapes … be the first one up in the morning or the last one down at night. We juggle a lot of things including raising children, working at jobs, managing a home, and sometimes finding time for ourselves.

Each day is a new beginning of what lies before us. We have destiny, purpose, and the power to do and be all that we are called to be. Nothing can stop us except ourselves. As mothers, we need to find the strength to face each day knowing that God loves us.

This scripture seems to be written just for mothers.

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:1-4

Our children need that unselfish love of a mother. We as mothers need to love our mothers too. Long life is promised to all who show honor to them.

“Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

Mothers make up a crucial part of our lives. So whether it is a Hallmark card, dinner out, hug, or a kiss on the cheek, we should show we care. It is so important to give our love to these dedicated women in our lives and don’t take them for granted.

“Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.”I John 3:18

 

                                                 Mother’s advice

Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend

                    

                              Tie  Dying

A fleeing Taliban   terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when   he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man   standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist   asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man   replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only   $5.”

 

The Taliban shouted   hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western   adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!”

 

“Sorry, I have   none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”

 

“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the   life out of you but… I must conserve my energy and find water!”

 

“Okay,” said   the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a   tie from me or that you   hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about   two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the   ice-cold water you need… Go In Peace.”

 

Cursing him again, the   desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.  

 

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped…

 

“They won’t   let me in without a tie”!!

Great Truths of Age

GREAT TRUTHS…
THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED


1) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
2) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
3) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
4) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
6) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS…
THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS…
ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
2) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
3) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

I’m currently out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

                          The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the investigator.

“Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18  hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board.

But, I do treat him to a bath every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my dog.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” says the investigator.

“You’re talking to him,” replied the rancher.


British Exam Answers

the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English

Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Religious Instruction

Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.

What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.

Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Medical

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

Botany

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

                                                    Little One’s Prayers

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer,  thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

 

Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and his mother was beside him. “Say your prayers louder, darling, I can’t hear you,” Said Little Johnny’s mother. “But I’m not talking to you” was the instant reply.

 

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you  for these pancakes.” When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if He was paying attention tonight.”

    A little boy’s prayer: “Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re gonna be in a big mess.”

                                                     Things to Ponder

 I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

 

 

What do you call an Alligator in a Vest?

 

 

To the women who will laugh till they cry and to the men who can appreciate the situation and know BETTER!

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; anda three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR…. !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

 

                                All She Needed

An elderly lady who had accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as her Saviour when she was a child could repeat many verses from the Bible. She had memorized them when she was a child and continued memorizing more verses all her life. She would often say that of all the verses she knew, her favorite was 2 Timothy 1:12: “I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day.”

In the last years of her life, her memory began to fail. Many of the things she used to remember clearly were now all confused. Even her favorite verse slipped from her memory. Finally, the only part of it she could remember was, “that which I have committed unto Him.”

Just before the Lord took her home to heaven, her loved ones noticed her lips moving. They bent down to hear what she was saying, and she was repeating what she could remember of her verse, which was only one word, and she kept repeating, “Him, Him, Him.” That one word was all she needed, for in Him we have everlasting life.

A Need For Speed

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!” The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

                          1st Grader Answers

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic… although sad to see it said!

1. Don’t change horses……………………… until they stop.
2. Strike while the……………………………. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before………………. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of….. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but……. how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………… looks dirty.
7. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….. stink in the morning.
8. An idle mind is……………………………. the best way to relax.
9. A penny saved is…………………………. not much.
10. Two’s company, three’s………………… the Musketeers
11. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.
12. Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and……………………….. you have to blow your nose.
13. Children should be seen and not……. spanked or grounded.
14. If at first you don’t succeed…………… get new batteries.
15. When the blind lead the blind……….. get out of the way.

 

                        10 Pearls Of Wisdom

1.    Age is a high price for maturity.

2.    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

3.    For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.

4.    Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

5.    No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

6.    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7.    Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

8.    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

9.    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

10.                       By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

UnBearable

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and on west to Yellowstone Park. 
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.


They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said: “You know what this means, don’t you?”

 

The other ranger responded: “Of course…The Czech is in the male.”

No Monkeying Around

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

What in the world are you doing here?” he demanded. “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over — so now we’re going to Sea World.”

                                           Blonde Luna-SEE

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’

The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ???

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?
I never noticed this….

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.

The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.

She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, ‘They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have put him!’

Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn’t go in.

Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying to the side.

Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.
The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every
Jewish boy knew this tradition.

When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.

The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished..

Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.

The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, “I’m finished..”

But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because………..

The folded napkin meant,

“I’m coming back!

 

                      Count On Him

 

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.

 

 

 

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

 

“Kids Say the Funniest Things!”

1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!”

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2. When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his Mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

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3. This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

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4. In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.” The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

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5. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year- old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!

” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6. While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year- old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather. And to the sonnn……and into the hole he gooooes.”

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7. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

 

More Easter Funnies

Some people take beautiful Easter pictures and cut them into pieces. That’s a puzzle to me

It is tough to do Easter Egg Hunts in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

The magician got so mad during the Easter Performance he pulled his hare out.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most? A: Fry-days.

Q: Why won’t Easter eggs go out at night? A: They don’t want to get “beat up”.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbits foot with poison ivy? A: a rash of good luck.

Q: What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? A: He cracked up.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline.

Q: What do you call a sleepy Easter egg? A: Egg-zosted!

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide? A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot? A: It’s been nice gnawing at you.

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower? A: A bee comes after it

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade? A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital? A: Albunny, New York!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee? A: It’s a tender tail!

Q: Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? A: John HOPkins

A beautiful Easter Egg  is hard to beat.

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to realize you’re a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.

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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.

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“Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas  .

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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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“I love  California . I practically grew up in  Phoenix  .”

— Dan Quayle

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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves:  How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)

For anyone who didn’t see the episode of David Letterman’s show where this story was told, read this:

(And remember it’s a true story…)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

‘I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat’ she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: ‘These two are going to rob me.’ Her next thought was: ‘Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.’ But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!

The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. Oh No!’ she thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, ‘Hit the floor.’

Instinct told her to do what they told her…

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.. A shower of coins rained down on her.

‘Take my money and spare me’, she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, ‘Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.’

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh..

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. ‘When I told my friend here to hit the floor,’ said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.’

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: ‘Oh My, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.’ She was too humiliated to speak.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill.
The card said:

“Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.”

It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH:

His dizzy aunt ———————————————– Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes——————————- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh    

The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His magician uncle ——————————– Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin —————————————- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh  

The nephew who drove a stage coach ————— Wells-far Gogh   

The constipated uncle ————————————- Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————– Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ————————————– Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh 

The little bouncy nephew ———————————– Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————– Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh  

I saw you smiling . . . . there ya Gogh.

“Eye-Opener!”

 

I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70’s, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.

He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church.

“Have you ever been to a church service in your life?” I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.

He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was one of many children in a large impoverished family. His parents had struggled to provide food, with little left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten, some neighbors invited him to worship with them.

The Sunday School class had been very exciting! He had never heard such songs and stories before!

He had never heard anyone read from the Bible! After class was over, the teacher took him aside and said, “Son, please don’t come again dressed as you are now. We want to look our best when we come into God’s house.”

He stood in his ragged, unpatched overalls. Then looking at his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, “No, ma’am, I won’t ever.”

“And I never did,” he said, abruptly ending our conversation.

There must have been other factors to have hardened him so, but this experience formed a significant part of the bitterness in his heart.

I’m sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. But did she really understand the love of Christ? Had she studied and accepted the teachings found in the second chapter of James?

What if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged little boy and said, “Son, I am so glad you are here, and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear more about Jesus.”

I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or pastor or a parent has to welcome little ones in His name. How far reaching her influence was!

I prayed that I might be ever open to the tenderness of a child’s heart, and that I might never fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a child to the eternal possibilities within.

Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed old gentleman lying in his casket, I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could almost hear him say, “No, ma’am, I won’t ever.”

And I wept.

Robby-isms

  • When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder…
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds…
  • The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize…
  • I usually take steps to avoid elevators…..
  • A relief map shows where the restrooms are….
  • Mummies are bound to be uptight……
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink……

“Perplexing Posers!”

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Wisdom of the Aged

As  I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself,  and  less critical of myself. I’ve become my own  friend.

I have seen too many dear friends  leave this world, too soon;  before they  understood the great freedom  that comes with  aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose  to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM,  or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself                                  to  those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60  &70’s,  and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a  lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach,  in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with  abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying  glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get  old.

I know I am  sometimes forgetful. But  there again, some of life is just as well  forgotten. And, I  eventually remember the  important things.

Sure, over the years,  my heart has been broken. How can your heart not  break, when you lose a loved one, or  when a  child suffers, or even when some body’s beloved  pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are  what give us strength,and understanding, and  compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine,  and sterile, and will never know the joy of  being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning  gray,  and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched  into deep grooves on my  face. So many have never  laughed, and so many have died before their hair  could  turn silver.

As you get older, it  is easier to be positive. You care less  about  what other people think. I don’t  question myself  anymore. I’ve even earned  the right to be  wrong.

So, to answer your question, I  like being old. It has set me free. I like the  person I have   become. I am not going to live  forever,  but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or  worrying about what will be. And I shall eat  dessert every single day (if I feel like  it).

“The Two Cracked Pots”

 

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

v After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste.

 Why Moms

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn’t fancy. The reception, however, was excellent.

A book never written: “Avoiding Valentine’s Day” by I.M.N. Love.

“She tore my valentine in half!” said Tom half-heartedly.

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Johnny added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

Boyhood Memories

I grew up hearing very little about St. Valentine. February 14 was simply a day when we did special things to express affection for our friends and family members. The “big event” happened at school, when we would exchange valentines with our classmates. As soon as I got home after school, I’d dump out my pile of valentines to see if any of them included special notes from the girls in my class or those Sweetheart candies with little messages on them. (Honestly, I was happier with the candy than the notes.)

At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with Jesus’ call to love. Our Valentine’s Day traditions seem to be completely disconnected from what we read in Luke 6:32: “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them.”

Yet, in a way, my boyhood Valentine’s Day practice did express love like that of Jesus. You see, I did not give valentines only to my friends or to the girls I hoped would like me in a special way. Rather, my fellow students and I were expected to give valentines to every person in the class, including those whom we didn’t care for, those whom we judged to be “weird,” and those we might have considered to be our “enemies” on the playground. We even gave cards to the kids who did not reciprocate. Ironically, our valentine exchange was more a reflection of the kind of love Jesus commends in Luke 6 than it was a celebration of exclusive, romantic love.

Children’s Questions

MELANIE (age 5)asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you  must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3)hugged  and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you  die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom  window.’

BRITTANY (age 4)had  an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take  the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained  it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4)was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me  this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4)stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I   cost?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was    troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this  bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4)was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY(age 4) was with  her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom  knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….

This particular Sunday sermon…’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms  extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.’ Without you, we are but dust….’ He would have continued but at  that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned  over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

                                                  

                                            Penguin Funeral                                                       

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
 

                                                           Maxine

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia N.J.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine’. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud… The last one is a little risky and I doubt it was a Halmark Card but… I laughed out loud…

of her.

Maxine

image001

DAILY  SURVIVAL  KIT

Toothpick … to remind you to  pick the good qualities in everyone, including  yourself.
Rubber band … to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always  go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid … to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else’s.
Eraser … to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That’s okay, we learn from our  errors.
Candy Kiss … to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint  … to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family  & Me.
Bubble Gum … to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil … to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag … to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.

“Ten Signs You’re In for a Long Sunday Sermon!”

10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit,the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the super bowl” but it’s only July!

“Evening Classes for Men!”

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 7. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued.

 

Seagulls

It happens every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun
resembles a giant orange and is starting to dip into the blue ocean.
Old Ed comes strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched
in his bony hand is a bucket of shrimp.

Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the
world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now. Everybody’s gone, except for a few joggers on the beach.
Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts….and his bucket of shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand
white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.
Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly.
Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile,
‘Thank you. Thank you.’

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn’t leave. He
stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.
Invariably, one of the gulls lands on his sea-bleached, weather-beaten hat – an old military hat he’s been wearing for years.
When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach,
a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and they, too, fly away.
And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water,
Ed might seem like ‘a funny old duck,’ as my dad used to say. Or, ‘a guy
that’s a sandwich shy of a picnic,’ as my kids might say. To onlookers,
he’s just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the
seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.

To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty.
They can seem altogether unimportant….maybe even a lot of nonsense.
Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.
Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida.

That’s too bad. They’d do well to know him better.
His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker.
He was a famous hero back in World War II.
On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down.
Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.
Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific.
They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger.
By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water.
They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were.
They needed a miracle.
That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle.
They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose.
Time dragged. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft.

Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap. It was a seagull!
Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move.
With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck.
He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal – a very slight meal for eight men – of it.
Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait……and the cycle continued.
With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued.

(after 24 days at sea…)

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first lifesaving seagull.
And he never stopped saying, ‘Thank you.’
That’s why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.

PS: Rickenbacker was a pilot during WW I who became an ace and was presented with The Medal of Honor.
He went on to be a race car driver, an aviation consultant, and airline executive.
He brought together two existing airlines to become Eastern airlines that went on to become a major presence in commercial aviation.

 

My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here’s an update: Highlights

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift..

 

 

 

The Importance of walking

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

My wife said, “What you doing today?”

I said, “Nothing”.

She said, “You did that yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished”.

“IT’S GOT TO BE LOVE!”

 

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

 

“Women Drivers–Hazard on the Highways!?!”

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on eyeliner!!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear and fell into my coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!

DRAT THOSE WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!

“First Date!”

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

“Growing Older!”

 

Lord, you know better than I know myself that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but you know that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for an improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint. Some of them are so hard to live with–but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people. And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

–Written by a 16th Century Nun.

It may look like I shot off this thumb, but on the other hand I’m completely fine

I don’t think I need a spine. It’s holding me back.

Did you know Male Deer Have Buck Teeth?

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane

He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

So, you want to clone yourself? Now wouldn’t that be just like you!

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper

I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack!

Don’t expect to eat something fancy when you’re flying because it’s plane food

Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects

I met some cult members who worshiped soup serving utensils. I said, ‘Oh ye of ladle faith

                                                

 

 

 

                                           Charlie’s Band

 

She was in her mid-seventies, and knockout beautiful. Her skirts swirled and her sequined shoes flashed as Charlie masterfully led her about the ballroom floor.

Charlie. Oh, yes, Charlie, with his tuxedo and his pencil thin white mustache and his shoes shined to a mirror finish. Charlie, who had written the arrangements for my band, and whom I watched with one eye, my other on my fine musicians as I waved the baton. The tears flowed down my cheeks, for I knew Charlie…

It had been the prior Spring, and I had jumped when the voice came out of the shadows. “Say, Mr. Edwards,” someone said.

I was walking from my car in the parking lot to the club where I was playing piano, and I had never been accosted before, although this didn’t happen to be a very desirable area of Kansas City.

“Yes?”, I said, and turned to see a smallish old man in a long, badly torn overcoat and a ball cap emerge from the darkness. “Could you let me have a couple of dollars for something to eat?” he asked. His hands were shaking, and I knew it was wine he wanted and not food.

“How did you know my name,” I asked as I gave him two dollars.

You’re the piano player here,” he said, “and a fine one, too. Sometimes I stand outside the door and listen when people come in and out and leave the door open a moment.”

“How nice,” I said. I was flattered.

“Say,” he said, clutching the two dollar bills, “You ought to play ‘Misty’ in Eb instead of C. It lays better that way.”

I watched him start toward the little diner on the corner, then duck down the alley where he could get some wine.

That night I played “Misty”, and, remembering what the old man said, moved it to Eb. He was absolutely right! It did “lay better” that way.

When I took a break, I went out the back door and around the building. He was standing by the front door, listening, I suppose, while I was playing.

“You were right about ‘Misty'”, I said, “Why don’t you come on inside?”

“I haven’t got the money,” he said, “and besides, I couldn’t come in looking like this.” He indicated his torn overcoat.

“Sure, you can,” I said. “It’s the last set, and the place is clearing out anyway.”

I led him in, sat him at the end of the piano bar, and bought him a glass of wine from my tip jar. After a while, when I had just finished playing “Tenderly”, he said, “Pardon me, Mr. Edwards, “but in the third measure, why not play a C minor 6th chord instead of the D minor 7th you’ve been using?”

There were few people left in the club, so I played “Tenderly” again, this time with the C minor 6th he had suggested, and lo and behold! He was right again! Where did this old wino get so much knowledge?

The wine was doing its job, and his hands had stopped shaking. He told me his name was Charlie Spangler, that he had once been an arranger for big bands, and that most people didn’t believe him when he told them what he used to do. I believed him, and asked him to come back in every night and impart some of his chord knowledge to me. He seemed thankful to be asked, and came in almost every night.

On Monday night of my last week at that club, I told Charlie that I had a fourteen piece band that played the Golden Eagle Ballroom on Grand Lake in Oklahoma during the summer season, and asked him if he would care to write an arrangement for it.

“I’d love to, Mr. Edwards,” he replied. Funny, he still called me Mr. Edwards even though he was much older than I, and obviously a vastly superior musician. It should have been the other way around. During the last set on Saturday night, he brought in a large manila folder. “This is a medley,” he said, “for you to start out each evening with.”

I took the folder and looked through the dozens of pages of handwritten music. “I’m not a good sight reader, Charlie,” I said, “so I really can’t tell by looking at the score how good it is. But all the boys in my band sight read very well, and we’ll take a chance and open our first night with this. How much do I owe you?”

“Could you go a hundred dollars?” asked Charlie, nervously.

“Sure,” I said, and I gave him the hundred, took the folder and we left; Charlie back to his flophouse on the river, and I to Grand Lake to pull my band together for the season.

The following Monday, when we were set up and ready to play, I passed Charlie’s arrangement out to the band. Briefly, I told them the story, and said to my third trombonist, “Tommy, I want you to conduct this, because you read better than I do, and I’ll go out front and listen.”

Tommy rapped the baton on the stand and raised his arms. When the band started, we were suddenly in the magnificent presence of Glen Miller, Tommy Dorsey, Benny Goodman, Les Elgart, Stan Kenton — all the great ones, all somehow wrapped up in my band!

Did I say MY band? No! Now it was Charlie’s band — Charlie Spangler, who at that very moment was probably in the river area of Kansas City trying to hustle up something to eat.

The audience was entranced, as was I, as were the musicians, and we knew at that moment we had to have Charlie for our Arranger.

During the week we all agreed to take a small cut in pay if we could hire Charlie and bring him to the resort. On Sunday, Tommy went with me, and we drove to Kansas City to try to find him. He had no address, but I knew he lived somewhere in the river district, and we finally found him living in a dollar a night flophouse.

Charlie was glad to see me. “How was the arrangement, Mr. Edwards?” he asked.

“You already know the answer to that, Charlie. We want you to come back with us and be our arranger for the season.”

Charlie sat on the side of his cot and stared off into space for a long time. Then he tried to say “Thank you”, but choked up and couldn’t. It was several minutes before we could collect ourselves and get started back to Grand Lake. Charlie didn’t have any belongings at all

Mr. Haskell, the resort owner, gave Charlie a room and all his meals, and the band advanced him a few hundred dollars. Tommy took him into Tulsa to buy clothes, and suddenly Charlie became the 75 year old version of the gentleman he must have been in the 1940’s.

Each night, as the band finished playing and left the ballroom, we could see the light burning in Charlie’s room as he sat up late writing the arrangements for the next night’s performance.

Sometime during the summer, Charlie met the beautiful seventy- something Margaret, who owned a condominium there, and was the daughter of a past Tulsa mayor. And now it was she whom he was so elegantly leading around the floor as they danced to his beautiful arrangement of “Dream”. It was the last performance of the season, and when it was over, the audience rose and applauded the band, and the band rose and applauded Charlie – and Margaret.

I got the word about five the next morning.

My second trumpeter, who lived in Miami, Oklahoma, a little town just north of the lake and which was known as the “marriage capital”, was on his way home when he came upon the carnage on the highway. An oncoming driver had gone to sleep, crossed the center line and slammed into Margaret’s car. Charlie was with her, and a ladies wedding ring was found in his tuxedo pocket.

Someday, I believe we’ll all hear Charlie’s wonderful arrangements again, because there’s no doubt in my mind that as I write these words, Charlie is writing arrangements for a Heavenly choir of Angels. Surely God would not produce such a talent, and let it die forever.

~© Joe Edwards~

“Three Blonde Men”

Three Blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and dont know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river; so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter; so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all; so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

“Learn to Write in the Sand”

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. At a specific point in the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without anything to say, he wrote in the sand: “TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.”

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a stone: “TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.”

The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him, Why, after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone?”

The other friend, smiling, replied: “When a friend hurts us, we should write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it.”

“Veterinary Report”

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away.” The distressed owner wailed, ‘Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead.” He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!” The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan……”

“Risk!”

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken.

Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

If you risk nothing and do nothing, you dull your spirit.

You may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, and live.

Chained by your attitude, you are a slave.

You have forfeited your freedom.

Only if you risk are you free.

 

Holiday Eating Tips

 

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving chocolate brownies.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later then you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position yourself near them, and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

“God’s Diamonds!”
(A true story written by a friend to a friend.)

I must tell you what happened when I opened the drapes the morning before last at 5:10AM. It was still quite dark but the moon was shining brightly. New snow had fallen the evening before and the sight before my eyes is not easily put into words. There were countless diamonds dancing on the newly fallen snow. I’ve seen diamonds in the snow before but not like this and never so many. It was a sight of such rare beauty that I immediately thanked God for allowing me to view this rare sight. I felt so blessed and what a way to start your day!

It instantly reminded me of this past summer. I had met an old high school chum for lunch. I hadn’t seen her in years. We were quite close the last 2 years of high school. She breezed into the resturant wearing very fancy clothes and sporting large diamonds around her neck, wrists and fingers. She might have been wearing them on her ankles too, but I didn’t look there! We had a nice lunch, a good time catching up with each others news, and parted company, promising not to let so much time slip by again without getting together for another lunch.

I like my life and how I live. I am generally happy as a result of my life’s choices. I wouldn’t trade for a hectic, fastpaced life where I wouldn’t be able to see all the God Winks before me – just for diamonds and fancy clothes, etc. but somehow, I was feeling down after that lunch. I couldn’t shake the feeling the following day, so I deceided to go to Evergreen Park and sit by the lake awhile and read. It was windy that summer afternoon and so clear with the sun shining brightly. The wind stirred up waves on our small little lake like I have never seen before. Suddenly there were beautiful diamonds EVERYWHERE on that lake, over, under and through those waves, just like I saw there in the snow, morning before last when I opened my drapes.

I smiled sitting there on the park bench and almost laughed out loud. God gave me more diamonds than I could count. I didn’t have to take out insurance on them. I wouldn’t fear sharing every one of them with anyone and everyone. I didn’t have to move heaven and earth to get them.They were free. They were more beautiful than any diamonds I have ever seen and I thanked God that he sat me down to appreciate real beauty and value.

Mary Kimmerling

Christmas Fruit Cake

I never cared for the taste of fruitcake, but I’ve been saving one for years.

It’s the last of those I used to get every Christmas from Elizabeth, my friend Paul’s mom. She always cooked up what seemed like hundreds for family and friends, wrapping them in plastic, and tying them with red and green ribbons.

Fruitcakes are known to take on lives of their own, passing from one person to the next, sometimes lingering long enough to carbon-date. Cut one open, if you dare, and divine its age like you’d count the rings of some ancient tree.

Though we pretended to like them, Elizabeth never pressed us for reports on their flavor, probably sensing that many simply became souvenirs—if not albatrosses—not that it seemed to matter. Still, everybody got one, delivered with a proud smile and wrapped in love, a present from this woman who used her recipes to nourish our souls as much as our bodies.

The tradition was passed down by Elizabeth’s mom, who had learned it from her own aunt. With nobody sure how many generations back it goes, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn an early version of the recipe, scripted on papyrus and stored in an urn, has been unearthed during some distant archaeological dig.

Paul’s father lost his hearing some years back, and got to where he couldn’t see very well. Then Elizabeth’s diabetes eventually put her in a wheelchair and robbed her of sight, so Paul moved back home that fall to help care for them.

As Christmas approached, Elizabeth kept mentioning how much she wished she could hand out those fruitcakes again. Saddened by having to break the tradition, she reminisced about helping Grandma when she was a little girl. Tears welled in her eyes as she talked about her fruitcakes, admitting that eating them isn’t what matters, that it’s cooking up some love and sharing it with people who mean the most to her.

During her nap that afternoon, Paul searched through two boxes stuffed with hundreds of recipes filed in no particular order. He finally found it, flour-crusted, yellow with age, and difficult to read. He went out and bought the ingredients, then set about mixing, determined to make her a batch to give away. Paul’s not known for his culinary finesse, and most family recipes require a dollop of magic beyond what’s actually written down, so he finally had to wake her, confessing his plan and asking her to help.

They spent the rest of the afternoon making fruitcakes. She took charge, while Paul served as her eyes and hands. They didn’t need that old recipe card; Elizabeth knew this one by heart.

She glowed with pride as she handed them out, accepting kisses and thanks, hugging back with newfound strength despite her frail condition. She’d probably felt that way every year, but this marked the first time we really noticed.

Several days after Christmas, Elizabeth required hospitalization, but there was little that could be done, and she took a turn for the worse. In a stark, antiseptic room far from the familiar aromas of her kitchen, Paul lost his mother, and we all lost a friend.

Gathered at the house after the funeral, Paul and his siblings carefully copied her fruitcake recipe, all vowing to carry on the custom. Several of them did, too—for a couple of years. Busy with their own lives and still discovering their own unique ways to celebrate, they gradually let the fruitcake tradition slip away.

Some things will never leave us, though. Elizabeth’s children, like all of us she touched, will always carry on with a more important tradition: living the way she taught. Devotion to our families, integrity, loyalty, and love for each other . . . these are what I see being passed on to the next generation. These are truly Elizabeth’s recipe for life.

I still have that fruitcake somewhere, the one she and my friend made together. When I look at it, I can see her face lighting up as she presented it to me.

It is, after all, just a fruitcake. I still don’t care for the taste. And I can’t say how long I’ll manage to hang on to this odd thing, a souvenir wrapped in plastic and tied with red and green ribbons . . .

A family recipe, the reminder of those last precious moments my friend spent with his mom, a Christmas gift from the heart.

The Best Christmas Riddles

What’s at the end of Christmas?

The letter S.

Why did Santa name his new, rude reindeer Olive?

Because Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

“Its Christmas, Eve!”

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with this!

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker

Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?

Santa Paws

What kind of people are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claus-trophobics.

To what did Santa change his name after he slid down a chimney where the fire was still burning?

Crisp Kringle.

What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?

Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?

Saint Nickel-less.

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?

The letter “D”.

Why did the Christmas cookie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy!

What goes OH, OH, OH?
Santa walking backwards!

What did the buck say to the doe on Christmas Day?
Merry Christmas, Dear!

1 – First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.


During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50’s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

“Absolutely,” said the professor.. “In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant.. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello..”

I’ve never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. – Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain 

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960’s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A Special note was attached. It read: “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying Husband’s bedside just before he passed away… God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving Others.”
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 – Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.

“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient..

“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

“I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left..  When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see,  he couldn’t  have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 – Fourth Important Lesson.. – The obstacle in Our Path. 
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of the King’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it..  Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 – Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts… 
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would

be willing to give his blood to his sister.  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save
her.”  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face
grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away?”

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. 

Treat people the way you want to be treated, Work like you don’t need the mone , Love like you’ve never been hurt, and Dance like you do when nobody’s watching. 

Daniel’s Gloves

I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both especially good that day.

As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, ‘I will work for food.’ My heart sank.

I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief.

We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind.. We finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square, looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor. I was fearful, knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car.

Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: ‘Don’t go back to the office until you’ve at least driven once more around the square.’

Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the square’s third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the church, going through his sack.

I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town’s newest visitor.

‘Looking for the pastor?’ I asked.

‘Not really,’ he replied, ‘just resting.’

‘Have you eaten today?’

‘Oh, I ate something early this morning.’

‘Would you like to have lunch with me?’

‘Do you have some work I could do for you?’

‘No work,’ I replied ‘I commute here to work from the city, but I would like to take you to lunch.’

‘Sure,’ he replied with a smile.

As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. ‘Where you headed?’

‘St. Louis ‘

‘Where you from?’

‘Oh, all over; mostly Florida ..’

‘How long you been walking?’

‘Fourteen years,’ came the reply.

I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, ‘Jesus is The Never Ending Story.’

Then Daniel’s story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in life. He’d made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences.. Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona… He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought.

He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life over to God

‘Nothing’s been the same since,’ he said, ‘I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now.’

‘Ever think of stopping?’ I asked.

‘Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has given me this calling. I give out Bibles That’s what’s in my sack. I work to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads.’

I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: ‘What’s it like?’

‘What?’

‘To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show your sign?’

‘Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn’t make me feel welcome. But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people’s concepts of other folks like me.’

My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused He turned to me and said, ‘Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I’ve prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in.’

I felt as if we were on holy ground. ‘Could you use another Bible?’ I asked.

He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy. It was also his personal favorite.. ‘I’ve read through it 14 times,’ he said.

‘I’m not sure we’ve got one of those, but let’s stop by our church and see’ I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very grateful.

‘Where are you headed from here?’ I asked.

‘Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon.’

‘Are you hoping to hire on there for a while?’

‘No, I just figure I should go there. I figure someone under that star right there needs a Bible, so that’s where I’m going next.’

He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we’d met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his things.

‘Would you sign my autograph book?’ he asked… ‘I like to keep messages from folks I meet.’

I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture from Jeremiah, ‘I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future and a hope.’

‘Thanks, man,’ he said. ‘I know we just met and we’re really just strangers, but I love you.’

‘I know,’ I said, ‘I love you, too.’ ‘The Lord is good!’

‘Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?’ I asked.

A long time,’ he replied

And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed.. He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, ‘See you in the New Jerusalem.’

‘I’ll be there!’ was my reply.

He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, ‘When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?’

‘You bet,’ I shouted back, ‘God bless.’

‘God bless.’ And that was the last I saw of him.

Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon the town. I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them…. a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them.

Then I remembered his words: ‘If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?’

Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office.. They help me to see the world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry. ‘See you in the New Jerusalem,’ he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will…

‘I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again.’

   Should I Join Facebook?

 

When I bought my cell phone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the everyone tasted or visited on the planet. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do ruffle my feathers every now and then.
are.

We senior citizens don’t need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

The Blessing of Thorns

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What’s worse, Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. “She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder.

“Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

“Good afternoon, can I help you?”

The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

“I….I need an arrangement, “stammered Sandra. “For Thanksgiving?

Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?” asked the shop clerk.

“I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued

“Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out.  “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. ” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the door’s small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, “Hi Barbara…let me get your order.”  She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses.

Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped…there were no flowers.

“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?!  She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. “Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.

“You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest.

“Uhh,” stammered Sandra, “that lady just left with, uhh… she just left with no flowers!”

“Right…I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special… I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that?” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband, “continued the clerk,” and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra. “I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly.

“I’ve always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask!; It took time for me to learn that dark times are important.

I always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.

“Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her.”
I guess the truth is I don’t want comfort.

I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

“Hey, Phil!” shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement … twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra doubtingly. “Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?

“No…I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem.

He rescued our marriage.  Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from “thorny” times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us.”

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special!”

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life.” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too… fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time.

Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?” asked Sandra.

“Nothing.” said the clerk.

“Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me. “The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.

“I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you’d like to read it first.”

It read: “Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain.

Show me that,
through my tears,
the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant.”

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty’s Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.

Ivette – Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Geremy – Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

Andrew – Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby – Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, “Applesauce”. Then you eat it.

Christa – Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it’s time to eat them.
Grace – Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Jordan Simons – Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

Jason – Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

Jennie – Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan – Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Jarryd – Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Joplyn – Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle – Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Nicholas – White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.

Lauren – Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Tommy – Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I Will Survive” – Thanksgiving Version

At first I was an egg, I was petrified
Kept thinking I’d be lost or I’d get cracked  and fried
But you took me to your nest before it was way too late
and kept me warm and you helped me incubate

And now you’re back, think you’re the boss
Wanna put me on a plate next to your wife’s cranberry sauce

I should have known this day would come
I should have known not to relax
If I thought for just a second that you’d come hit me with that ax

Go on now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
Ain’t chopping my head to the floor.
Weren’t you the one who prized this dark meat on my thighs?
Do you think I’d gobble?
Did you think I’d lay down and die?

Oh on, not I.
I will survive.
Oh as long as I know how to peck, I know how to stay alive.
Got my wings so I won’t fall,
Ain’t selling me to Butterball

I will survive.
I will survive.

What do “Mary had A Little Lamb” and Thanksgiving Have In Common? Sarah Josepha Buell Hale

Sarah Josepha Buell Hale (October 24, 1788 – April 30, 1879) was an American writer and an influential editor. She is the author of the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb”.

Sarah Hale is also credited as the individual most responsible for making Thanksgiving a national holiday in the United States; it had previously been celebrated only in New England. Each state scheduled its own holiday, some as early as October and others as late as January; it was largely unknown in the American South. Her advocacy for the national holiday began in 1846 and lasted 17 years before it was successful. In support of the proposed national holiday, she wrote letters to five Presidents of the United States: Zachary Taylor, Millard Filmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, and Abraham Lincoln. Her initial letters failed to persuade, but the letter she wrote to Lincoln did convince him to support legislation establishing a national holiday of Thanksgiving in 1863. The new national holiday was considered a unifying day after the stress of the American Civil War.Prior to the addition of Thanksgiving, the only national holidays celebrated in the United States were Washington’s Birthday and Independence Day.[

 

Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play, to see a lamb at school.
And so the teacher turned it out, but still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about till Mary did appear.
“Why does the lamb love Mary so?” the eager children cry;
“Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know” the teacher did reply.

Mary had a little lamb is American as the words were written by Sarah Hale, of Boston, in 1830. An interesting historical note about this rhyme – the words of Mary had a Little Lamb were the first ever recorded by Thomas Edison, on tin foil, on his phonograph. 

Sir.–

Permit me, as Editress of the “Lady’s Book”, to request a few minutes of your precious time, while laying before you a subject of deep interest to myself and — as I trust — even to the President of our Republic, of some importance. This subject is to have the day of our annual Thanksgiving made a National and fixed Union Festival.

You may have observed that, for some years past, there has been an increasing interest felt in our land to have the Thanksgiving held on the same day, in all the States; it now needs National recognition and authoritive fixation, only, to become permanently, an American custom and institution.

Enclosed are three papers (being printed these are easily read) which will make the idea and its progress clear and show also the popularity of the plan.

For the last fifteen years I have set forth this idea in the “Lady’s Book”, and placed the papers before the Governors of all the States and Territories — also I have sent these to our Ministers abroad, and our Missionaries to the heathen — and commanders in the Navy. From the recipients I have received, uniformly the most kind approval. Two of these letters, one from Governor (now General) Banks and one from Governor Morgan[2] are enclosed; both gentlemen as you will see, have nobly aided to bring about the desired Thanksgiving Union.

But I find there are obstacles not possible to be overcome without legislative aid — that each State should, by statute, make it obligatory on the Governor to appoint the last Thursday of November, annually, as Thanksgiving Day; — or, as this way would require years to be realized, it has ocurred to me that a proclamation from the President of the United States would be the best, surest and most fitting method of National appointment.

I have written to my friend, Hon. Wm. H. Seward, and requested him to confer with President Lincoln on this subject As the President of the United States has the power of appointments for the District of Columbia and the Territories; also for the Army and Navy and all American citizens abroad who claim protection from the U. S. Flag — could he not, with right as well as duty, issue his proclamation for a Day of National Thanksgiving for all the above classes of persons? And would it not be fitting and

patriotic for him to appeal to the Governors of all the States, inviting and commending these to unite in issuing proclamations for the last Thursday in November as the Day of Thanksgiving for the people of each State? Thus the great Union Festival of America would be established.

Now the purpose of this letter is to entreat President Lincoln to put forth his Proclamation, appointing the last Thursday in November (which falls this year on the 26th) as the National Thanksgiving for all those classes of people who are under the National Government particularly, and commending this Union Thanksgiving to each State Executive: thus, by the noble example and action of the President of the United States, the permanency and unity of our Great American Festival of Thanksgiving would be forever secured.

An immediate proclamation would be necessary, so as to reach all the States in season for State appointments, also to anticipate the early appointments by Governors.[3]

Excuse the liberty I have taken

With profound respect

Yrs truly Sarah Josepha Hale,

Editress of the “Ladys Book”

                                               HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

 

Me: God, can I ask you a question?

God: Sure.
Me: Promise you won’t get mad?

God: I promise.

Me: Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late.

God: Yes.

Me: My car took forever to start.

God: Okay.

Me: At lunch they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.

God: Hmmm.

Me: On the way home my phone went dead just as I picked up a call.

God: Okay.

Me: And on top of all that, when I got home I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax, but it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?

God: Well, let me see. The Death Angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me: (humbled): OH…

GOD: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed) Oh …

God: The person who made your first sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what he has. I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.

Me: (embarrassed): Ok…

God: Your phone went dead because the person who was calling was going to give false witness about what you said during that call. I didn’t even let you talk to them so that you would be covered.

Me: (softly) I see, God.

God: Oh, and that foot massager had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m sorry God.

God: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust me in all things, the good and the bad.

Me: I will trust you.

God: And don’t doubt that MY plan for your day is always better than your plan.

Me: I won’t, God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.

God: You’re welcome, child. It was just another day being your God, and I love looking after my children.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
Are You Sure You Are Ready for this….


“Master, Master!…..The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

(I am soooooo sorry…..but you really should’ve seen that one coming!!)

“The Three Bears!?!”

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!”, he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!,” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-selves downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time . . . “I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

Poetic Diet Prayer

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
Incited by my wicked diet.
“We Are What We Eat,” said a wise old man!
And, Lord, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can.
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that’s plain!
But at my present weight, I’ll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
That my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
To the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.And at oleomargarine I’ll never mutter,
For the road below is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
The Devil’s sandwich is baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer a lollipop.Give me this day my daily slice
But, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from ju-ju-bees.

And when my days of trial are done,
And my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe–size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You’ll show to me,
the virtues of some celery.
Teach me the evil of chicken fried from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!

                                          When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 

Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.

 Moses Hadas

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..

Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” –  Winston Churchill, in response.

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

John Bright

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating

 

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

As I was walking Down life’s highway Many years ago I came upon a
Sign that read Heavens Grocery Store..

When I got a Little closer The doors swung Open wide And when I came To myself I was standing Inside..

I saw a host of Angels. They were Standing everywhere One handed me a Basket And said ‘My Child shop with care..’

Everything a Human needed Was in that Grocery store And what you
Could not carry You could come Back for more

First I got some Patience. Love was in that Same row. Further down was Understanding, You need that Everywhere you go..

I got a box or Two of Wisdom And Faith a bag Or two. And Charity of
Course I would need some Of that too..

I couldn’t miss The Holy Ghost It was all over The place. And then some Strength And Courage to Help me run this race. My basket was Getting full But I remembered I needed Grace,

And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for Free, I tried to get
Enough of that to do For you and me..

Then I started to The counter To pay my grocery Bill, for I thought I
Had everything To do the Masters Will.

As I went up the Aisle I saw Prayer and Put that in, For I knew when I
Stepped outside I would run into Sin.

Peace and Joy Were plentiful, The last things On the shelf. Song and Praise Were hanging near So I just helped Myself.

Then I said to The angel ‘Now how much do I owe?’ He smiled and
Said ‘Just take them Everywhere you go.’

Again I asked ‘Really now, How much do I Owe?’ ‘My child’ he
Said, ‘God paid your bill A long long time Ago.’

“My Favorite Things”

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines all tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad!!

                      ~*~Close To The Bone~*~
(A nonfictional tale)

The second world-war was in full bloom and like so many other towns across America my secluded little part of the world was economically devastated by the war effort. In 1943 Marble Falls, Texas with a whopping population of some five-hundred patriotic souls was struggling just to survive the rigors of daily living with some sense of normalcy. Everything from gasoline to sugar was rationed and once a month head of households were issued ration-stamp booklets. Without a ration-stamp it was almost impossible to buy anything, when and if one had any money. Aunts, mothers and other assorted females in the family circle used to meet weekly and exchange food-stamps between them, depending on what they were out of and that was usually everything. Even with home-gardens, everything was in short supply, especially meat of any kind.

Like all of the able-bodied men in town, daddy was thousands of miles away fighting in the war, though most often we did not know where. When he left, he took our only means of support with him except for the scrimpy check the government sent mother once a month. Pinching pennies the allotment would stretch about three weeks. There was always to much month left at the end of the money.

From necessity mother found another house where the rent was a little less. To call that ramshackle shack a house is a grand compliment, nonetheless she moved me, my older brother and one year old baby sister into it. Financially, less rent helped a bit but there were always those last few days at month’s end when mother had little else to lay before her babies to eat. Those days were dark for her and despair would begin and only when the next allotment check arrived would she cheer-up for a time. Soup! We eat soup made from whatever was available for days toward months end with cornbread or what she called water-biscuits, since there was no milk except for baby sister. The concoction mother called soup was more hot water than soup.

One day at month’s end, while my brother was off playing and sister was snoozing she called me before her. She told me to go to the only grocery store in town and find the owner, Mr. Charlotte. I was to look him in the eye and tell him my dog was very hungry and would he have an extra bone that I could give to it. She added that I was to say only what she told me to and never speak of this to anyone, then she asked if I understood. Well, I did but I was hugely confused since we had no dog. But as a lad just under seven years of age I had learned the hard way never to question mother’s motives about anything. I simply did as I was told.

To grown-ups Mr. Charlotte was a very tall, very large old man, to a wide-eyed ankle-biter he was a giant with giant teeth frozen into a perpetual smile. I found the giant behind the meat-counter where he usually was. I blurted out, Mr. Charlotte! He leaned the considerable distance down until his smile was all I could see then he ask, “what can I do for you young bucko?” The thought of being discovered in a bold lie made me shiver but I followed mother’s instructions exactly. I asked him for the bone for my hungry dog and after staring hard at me for a few seconds he said, “well I guess I’ve got a bone you can have.” I was dumbfounded, the lie had worked! I carried that prize home as if it were a million dollar diamond. After questioning me to make sure I had followed her precise instructions, mother cleaned the bone and plopped it into the soup boiling on the wood-stove. That night the soup had the added bonus of tasting a tad more like soup.

The next month at soup time she sent me back to the store again to beg for a bone for my imaginary dog and again I came home with a small bone for mother’s concoction. Filled with confidence at having mastered the art of deception I ran to the store yet again the third month. I approached the giant as he put his huge hands on his hips and waited. I gave him my most heartbreaking look and ask politely for a bone. Eye-to-eye he said, “you know, that dog must be really hungry so I’m going to leave a little meat on the bone this time.” Well the jig was up, my lie was uncovered. I knew by his stare that he had figured out there was no dog, but a hungry family on the home-front just trying to survive.

Back home I explained our scheme was exposed to mother as she examined the large bone with bits of meat attached. In deep thought she said not a word as she carefully trimmed off the slivers of meat to be used for the next meal, then she added the bone to that night’s soup. As she turned from the stove, tears ran down her cheeks.

For as many months as I can remember this routine was repeated. I walked to the grocery store and asked Mr. Charlotte for a dog-bone and he would wrap a bone with a little meat left on it for me to carry home to my grateful mother. We never talked about it, mother and I. Around month’s end she would simply say, it’s time to go to the store. Respecting her wishes, I’ve never told anyone the tale of the bones or about the kindness of a gentle giant, until now.

My lifetime through I have often remembered that old man, so loved and respected by the townsfolk. His selfless deeds of loving-kindness went largely unnoticed and unrewarded. After his death years later, unpaid accounts were discovered dating during the time span of world-war two. I guess he figured there was no point in asking people for money they didn’t have. I want to embrace and thank him one day in Heaven, that’s where I will find him. Paid in-full at last.

“An Awesome God!”

Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of food each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains, each at least a mile long, would be required!

Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, just for one day.

And just think, they were forty years in transit.

And Oh yes! They would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water!

And then another thing!�They had to get across the Red Sea at night. Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be�800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.

But then, there is another problem……………each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long…….. think of it! This much space for camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt? I think not! You see, Moses believed in God. God took care of these things for him.�

Now do you think God has any problem taking care of all your needs?

Our God is an Awesome God!!

The Top 10 Reasons Why The Average Christian Can’t Play Baseball

10. Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day.

9. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him.

8. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.”

7. Wants to run home before going to first base.

6. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.

5. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.

4. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.

3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs.

2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher.

1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it’s over.

One Liner

Q: What do you call a charismatic at an auction?
A: Broke.

 

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
_________________________________

Judge: “Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give  your wife $775.00 a week.”
Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try  to send her a few bucks myself.” _________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,  he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________

Q: You said the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to our attorney?
A: No, this is how I usually dress for work.
_________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

Angel’s Described by Children

–Gregory, Age 5

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.

–Olive, Age 9

Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.

–Matthew, Age 9

It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

–Mitchell, Age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

–Henry, Age 8

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.

–Jack, Age 6

Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.

–Daniel, Age 9

Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

–Reagan, Age 10

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.

–Sara, 6

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.

–Jared, 8

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.

–Antonio, 9

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it.

–Katelynn, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

–Vicki, 8

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it

–Sarah, 7

What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love , they shoot arrows at them.

“All I Need to Know about Life I Learned from a Cow”

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

11. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

“The Golfer and the Caddy”

Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

v Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play,, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, Sir.”

 

                                 Never forget to Think Outside of the Box.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is amoral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first, or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He answered: I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.

“Pastor’s Bloopers”

A prominent lawyer who happened to be a member of our church was called on by the preacher to offer a prayer before the service. As the attorney started on a special plea, he began, “Your Honor,” instead of “Dear God.” Actually, it sounded sort of appropriate.

I was trying to make a point that lack of communication is the major cause of divorce, but somehow things got mixed up and I said “marriage is the main cause of divorce.” It took a couple of minutes of giggling from the congregation before I realized my mistake.

Preaching from:

Matthew 5: “A hill set on a city cannot be hid.”

Matthew 12: “as Jonah was in the welly of the bail.”

Matthew 2: “they offered unto him gifts, gold, and Frankenstein.”
(Could I have used this for a Halloween Service?)

During a Confirmation service, referring to the new converts, the pastor asked the 5 new “convicts” to come to the front of the church. He never knew what he said, but several people had to leave the building because they were laughing so hard.

As I awoke during a sermon the pastor said, “Where the Scriptures speak, we speak. Where the scriptures are silent, we sleep.”

While studying the intricate dress of the priests in the Old Testament, the preacher came to the part that describes how the priests put bells on the bottom of their robes. He asked, “Why do you suppose the priests had to tinkle.” After a second of silence, the class broke up with laughter.

hysical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
** Jumping to conclusions
** Climbing the walls
** Swallowing my pride
** Passing the buck
** Throwing my weight around
** Dragging my heels
** Pushing my luck
** Making mountains out of molehills
** Hitting the nail on the head
** Bending over backwards
** Jumping on the bandwagon
** Balancing the books
** Running around in circles
** Tooting my own horn
** Pulling out the stops
** Adding fuel to the fire
** Opening a can of worms
** Putting my foot in my mouth
** Starting the ball rolling
** Beating around the bush

 


Whew–I’m tired! How about you! 😉

“Quotes on the Female Condition!”

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. Rhonda Hansome

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I’m also not blonde. Dolly Parton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

A True Story Sent to me by a Christian Car Guy Listener

Was going to share another “incident” that occurred in WhitsettNC (I-40 east of Greensboro).  We lived right across from the TA Truck Stop and had a large garden (1.5 acres). We had over 150 German Johnson tomato plants, yellow and zucchini squash, cukes, peppers, peas, butternut squash, etc. four trips a week to Greensboro for “delivery” to Teen Challenge and Salvation Army Kitchens.

One day, we were in the garden when a “bum” showed up and requested some produce. I told him to pick what he wanted and he went at it. We often saw :”men of the road” at the truck stop as it is easy to hitch a ride. When he was done, he reached in his pocket for some change, but we refused, sending him on his way. As he left, he turned in front of the house and I became a little concerned where he was going, so I quickly went around the house the other way. 5-10 seconds passed, and, when I came out the other side, HE WAS GONE! He could not have crossed back to the truck stop since it is up a hill covered with brush.

Did we have a visit from an Angel?????? Like to think so, as we treated him well.

THE TEACUP

A couple vacationing in Europe went strolling down a little street and saw a quaint little gift shop with a beautiful teacup in the window. The lady collected teacups and she wanted this one for her collection, so she went inside to buy the teacup, and as the story goes the teacup spoke and said:

“I want you to know that I have not always looked like this. It took the process of pain to bring me to this point. You see, there was a time when I was just clay and the Master came and he pounded me and he squeezed me and he kneaded me and I screamed: “STOP THAT!”. But he just smiled and said, “Not yet”.

Then he took me and put me on the shelf and I went round and round and round and round… and while I was spinning and getting dizzier and dizzier I screamed again and I said, “Please get me off this thing… please get me off!!!” And the Master was looking at me and he was smiling, as he said, “Not yet”.

Then he took me and walked toward the oven and shut the door and turned up the heat and I could see him through the window of the oven and it was getting hotter and hotter and I thought, “He’s going to burn me to death!”.

And I started pounding on the inside of the oven and I said, “Master, let me out, let me out, let me out!”, and I could see that he was smiling as he said “Not yet”. Then he opened the door and I was fresh and free and he took me out of the oven and he put me on the table and then he got some paint and a paintbrush.

He started dabbing me and making swirls all over me and I started to gag and I said: “Master, stop it… stop it… stop it please… you’re making me gag”. He just smiled as he said “not yet”.

Then very gently he picked me up again and he started walking toward the oven and I said, “Master, NO!! Not again, pleeeease!!”. He opened the oven door and he slipped me inside and he shut the door and this time he turned the heat up twice as hot as before and I thought, “He’s going to kill me!!”, and I looked through the window of the oven and I started to pound on it, saying, “Master… Master, please let me out… please let me out… let me out!”.

I could see that he was smiling but I also noticed a tear trickle down his cheek as I watched him mouth the words, “Not yet!”

Just as I thought I was about to die, the door opened and he reached in ever so gently and took me out, fresh and free and he went and placed me on a high shelf and he said: “There, I have created what I intended. Would you like to see your yourself?” I said, “Yes”. He handed me a mirror and I looked and I looked again and I said, “That’s not me, I’m just a lump of clay”.

He said, “Yes, that IS you, but it took the process of pain to bring you to this place. You see, had I not worked you when you were clay, then you would have dried up.

If I had not subjected you to the stress of the wheel you would have crumbled. If I had not put you into the heat of the oven you would have cracked. If I had not painted you there would be no color in your life. But, it was the second oven that gave you the strength to endure. Now you are everything I intended you to be – from the beginning.” And I, the teacup, heard myself saying something I never thought I would hear myself saying, “Master, forgive me, I did not trust you. I thought you were going to harm me, I did not know you had a glorious future and a hope for me. I was too shortsighted, but I want to thank you.I want to thank you for the suffering. I want to thank you for the process of pain. Here I am! I give you myself – fill me; pour from me, use me as you see fit. I really want to be a vessel that brings you glory within my life.”

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless -their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ………………………bug is close.
It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of…………termites.
You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………..math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………..stink in the morning.
Love all, trust………………………..me.
An idle mind is………………………..the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
A penny saved is……………………….not much.
Two’s company, three’s………………….the Musketeers.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what…………you put on to go to bed.
There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not………….spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose.

Now I Understand Brian…

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”v The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”v The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

ADVICE FROM KIDS TO KIDS

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer.” Hannah, 9

“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.” Michael, 14

“Stay away from prunes.” Randy, 9

“Don’t squat with your spurs on.” Noronha, 13

“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Taylia, 11

“Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.” Traci, 14

“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.” Andrew, 9

“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.” Kyoyo, 9

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.” Armir, 9

“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.” Kellie, 11

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.” Naomi, 15

“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.” Lauren, 9

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.” Joel,10

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.” Alyesha, 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.” Eileen, 8

                                                             NEW MATH!

 

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….)

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University hospital: 1 I.V. League

Actual Church Signs

“You May Party in Hell but You will be the BBQ”

“Honk if you love Jesus, Text if you want to meet Him”

“Church Parking !!! Trespassers Will Be BAPTIZED”

“Thou Shall Not steal the copper from the AC Unit please call 277-4335”

“Try Our Sundays, They are better than Baskin-Robbins”

Old Farmer Sayings

Every path has a few puddles.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Meanness doesn’t just happen overnight.

Sometimes you get, sometimes you get got.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe: This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -With spelling errors and all.

WARSHING CLOTHES

Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.

Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.

Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.

To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don’t boil just wrench and starch. Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed.

Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

For you non-southerners – wrench means rinse.

Thanks for Your Time

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. “Jack, did you hear me?”

“Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,” Jack said.

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over on ‘his side of the fence,’ as he put it,” Mom told him.

“I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.

“You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said.

“He’s the one who taught me carpentry,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t be in the business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important…. Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” he added.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser’s funeral was small and uneventful.

He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture … Jack stopped suddenly.

“What’s wrong, Jack?” his mom asked.

“The box is gone,” he said.

“What box?” his mom asked.

“There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most,'” Jack answered.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. “Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.”

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package.

The small package was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. “Mr. Harold Belser,” it read. Jack took the package out to his car and ripped it open. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.

Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside. “Upon my death, please forward this package and its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filled his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the gold box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:
“Jack, thanks for our time! Harold Belser.”

“The thing he valued most … was … my time,” Jack thought.

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. “Why?” Janet, his assistant asked.
“I need some time to spend with my son,” Jack said. “Oh, by the way, Janet, … thanks for your time!”

Thought for Today –

Roses are red,
Violets are blue;
But they don’t get around
Like the dandelions do

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,

the courage to change the one I can,

and the wisdom to know it’s me.

The Hotel Bill

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $400.00 for using my recommendation,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised manager.

“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens.

           This Dessert Story Takes The Cake (and Ice Cream)

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them—all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.”

I wasn’t sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn’t enjoy mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn’t believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait. I smiled. He asked if he amused me.

I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?”

He laughed and said, “I’m tasting all that is possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life’s so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned). I haven’t been this old before. So, before I die, I’ve got to try those things that for years I had ignored.

“I haven’t smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven’t fished. There’s more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are too many golf courses I haven’t played. I’ve not laughed at all the jokes. I’ve missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.

“I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven’t cried at all the movies yet, or walked often enough in the morning rain. I need to feel the wind on my face. I want to be in love again.

“So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I’d say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart’s desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired.”

With that, I called the waitress over. “I’ve changed my mind,” I said. “I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!”

Confusing Signs!”

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Adams Top Ten Pickup Lines

  1. “You know you’re the only one for me!”
  2. “Do you come here often?”
  3. “Trust me, this was meant to be!”
  4. “Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!”
  5. “I already feel like you’re a part of me!”
  6. “Honey, you were made for me!”
  7. “Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?”
  8. “You’re the girl of my dreams!”
  9. “I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed!”
  10. “You’re the apple of my eye!”

Use “De” Word

One day in Language Arts class the children were called to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.

The teacher smiled when Little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: “Defeat,” “Defence,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”

Little Johnny stood, thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply.

Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “Defeat of deduct went over defence before detail.”

Die-et

Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” Mrs. Watson nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

Our Creator and Redeemer . . .

and do we THINK about it ??? God’s accuracy may be observed in the hatching of eggs.. . . . .
For example:

-the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
-those of the canary in 14 days;
-those of the barnyard hen in 21 days;
-The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
-those of the mallard in 35 days;
-The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.
(Notice, they are all divisible by seven, the number of days in a week!)

God’s wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first. How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation!

God’s wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains.

-Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind.
-Each orange has an even number of segments.
-Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
-Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
-Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.

-The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather.

All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, and the Lord specified thirty fold, sixty fold, and a hundred fold all even numbers.

God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

………… ……… ……… ……… ………. ……… ……… ……… ……… ……….

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

4. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

5. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE REDSEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

6. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT   CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

7. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

8. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

9. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

10. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

11. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
12. JESUS EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

13. IT WAS A MIRIC LE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

14. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

15. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

16. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

17. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

18. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens.”

“What do you want us to do?” asked the policeman.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day the policeman had the county road workers
go out to erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said:
“You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The School
Crossing Sign seems to make them go even faster!”
So, again, the policeman sent out the county road workers.

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, “Your signs are doing no
good at all … Can I put up my own sign?”

The policeman said, “Sure, go ahead.”
He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman.
He decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the
problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy,”
replied Farmer John.
He hung up the phone.

The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,
“I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.”

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray painted on a sheet of wood….

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

I grew up in a Christian home, and made a profession of faith at an early age. I began to doubt my salvation-had I really done it “right”? As I grew older, I grew away from the Lord and lived a very rebellious lifestyle for several years. During that time I really had doubts. How could I be a Christian and do some of the horrible things I was doing? Eventually I came back to the Lord, but I was still struggling with the things in my past. How could He love me?
Then came the time when everything was going wrong. My mother passed away. I was laid off from the job I had worked at and loved for 12 years. My husband and I were having problems in our marriage. As I lay in bed one night, it all came crashing in. I was totally and completely at the end of myself. I had nowhere to turn except to God, so I cried out to Him. And He showed up. He showed me a waterfall-a crimson waterfall. I knew it was the blood of Jesus. All I had to do was believe and walk through it to be fully forgiven of my sin. I cannot describe the peace that was given to me on that night. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had accepted Jesus into my heart, and that His blood-the crimson waterfall-had washed away all my sin. I lay in bed with my hands raised to heaven, praising Him for his wonderful salvation. I knew in that moment that I was so pure from sin, so clean in His sight, that He would give me whatever I asked for in that moment. I asked for a little glimpse of heaven. God gave me one. I saw my sweet mother’s face. I know that heaven is real. I know I am going there. I know I will see my mom again. There has never been another doubt in my mind about my salvation. God loves me. He loves you. Jesus died so that we could be with Him in heaven. There is nothing sweeter than the peace that Jesus gives!!

Funnies for the laughing Stock

  • She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  • Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
  • Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
  • Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
  • Stupidity got us into this mess; why can’t it get us out?
  • Support bacteria–they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • The Bible needs less defense and more practice.
  • The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.
  • To a dog, you’re family. To a cat, you’re the staff.
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.
  • Death is hereditary.
  • DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it…
  • Do not believe in miracles…rely on them.
  • If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Energizer Bunny arrested–charged with battery

 

“The Door!”

“So Jesus said to them again, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep'” (John 10:7, NASB).

George Adam Smith, the 19th century biblical scholar, tells of traveling one day in the holy land and coming across a shepherd and his sheep. He fell into conversation with him and the man showed him the fold into which the sheep were led at night. It consisted of four walls, with a way in.

Smith asked him, “This is where they go at night?”

“Yes,” said the shepherd, “and when they are in there, they are perfectly safe.”

“But there is no door,” said Smith.

“I am the door,” said the shepherd.

He was not a Christian man and wasn’t speaking in the language of the New Testament. He was speaking from an Arab shepherd’s viewpoint.

Smith looked and him and asked, “What do you mean, ‘you are the door?'”

“When the light has gone,” said the shepherd, “and all the sheep are inside, I lie in that open space, and no sheep ever goes out but across my body, and no wolf comes in unless he crosses my body; I am the door.”

And that’s what Jesus is for all of his children, the sheep of his pasture.

 

 

“More Wacky Headlines”

 

~ Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
~ Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
~ Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
~ Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
~ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
~ Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
~ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
~ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
~ Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
~ Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
~ Include your Children when Baking Cookies

 

                        Real Flight Attendant Announcements

******

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

******

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.

******

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

******

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

                                             Face To Face

A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, who we’ll call Brother Smith.

She says Brother Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons.

One particular day, Sally walked into seminary and knew they were in for another fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Brother Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person’s picture.

Sally’s girlfriend (on her right), drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend (on her left), drew a picture of his little brother.

Sally drew a picture of Brother Smith, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on his face. Sally was pleased at the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts, with much laughter and hilarity. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Brother Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats.

As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn’t have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Brother Smith began removing the target from the wall. Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus…

A complete hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced out.

Brother Smith said only these words, “In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.”

No other words were necessary; the tear-filled eyes of each student focused only on the picture of Christ. The students remained in their seats… even after the bell rang… then slowly left the classroom, tears streaming down their faces.

PRAYER: For our sins of commission and omission against you and others we ask forgiveness today, O Lord, our rock and our redeemer. Amen.

Bible Quiz

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel!

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
A. Noah; he made the ark light onMt.Ararat.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”

Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh

Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
A. 2 Kings 8:1

 

 

 

                

                          

 

                        Tough Reading But Take A Shot At It

 

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. –

 

 

 

Signs of The Times “Church Marquees”

 

The best vitamin for a Christian is B-1.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What’s yours?

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Can’t Sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Christians, keep the faith…but not from others!

To belittle is to be little.

God answers knee-mail

 

A Special Olympics Story

 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to those who are alone when they fall and have not another to lift them up.” – Ecclesiastes

A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry.

The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back…every one of them.

One girl with Down’s syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, “This will make it better.” Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes.

People who were there are still telling the story.

Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.

                                           

                                            “Senior Exercise Regimen!”

For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand… extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next…start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo.

 

“Eternal Truths”

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

“The Winner!”


I was watching some little kids play soccer. These kids were only five or six years old, but they were playing a real game – – a serious game _ two teams, complete with coaches, uniforms, and parents. I didn’t know any of them, so I was able to enjoy the game without the distraction of being anxious about winning or losing – I wished the parents and coaches could have done the same.

The teams were pretty evenly matched. I will just call them Team One and Team Two. Nobody scored in the first period. The kids were hilarious. They were clumsy and terribly inefficient. They fell over their own feet, they stumbled over the ball, they kicked at the ball and missed it but they didn’t seem to care. They were having fun.

In the second quarter, the Team One coach pulled out what must have been his first team and put in the scrubs, except for his best player who now guarded the goal.

The game took a dramatic turn. I guess winning is important even when you’re five years old — because the Team Two coach left his best players in, and the Team One scrubs were no match for them. Team Two swarmed around the little guy who was now the Team One goalie. He was an outstanding athlete, but he was no match for three or four who were also very good. Team Two began to score. The lone goalie gave it everything he had, recklessly throwing his body in front of incoming balls, trying valiantly to stop them.

Team Two scored two goals in quick succession. It infuriated the young boy. He became a raging maniac — shouting, running, diving. With all the stamina he could muster, he covered the boy who now had the ball, but that boy kicked it to another boy twenty feet away, and by the time he repositioned himself, it was too late — they scored a third goal.

I soon learned who the goalie’s parents were. They were nice, decent-looking people. I could tell that his dad had just come from the office — he still had his suit and tie on. They yelled encouragement to their son. I became totally absorbed, watching the boy on the field and his parents on the sidelines. After the third goal, the little kid changed. He could see it was no use; he couldn’t stop them.

He didn’t quit, but he became quietly desperate futility was written all over him. His father changed too. He had been urging his son to try harder – yelling advice and encouragement. But then he changed. He became anxious. He tried to say that it was okay – to hang in there. He grieved for the pain his son was feeling.

After the fourth goal, I knew what was going to happen. I’ve seen it before. The little boy needed help so badly, and there was no help to be had. He retrieved the ball from the net and handed to the referee – and then he cried. He just stood there while huge tears rolled down both cheeks. He went to his knees and put his fists to his eyes – and he cried the tears of the helpless and brokenhearted.

When the boy went to his knees, I saw the father start onto the field. His wife clutched his arm and said, “Jim, don’t. You’ll embarrass him.” But he tore loose from her and ran onto the field. He wasn’t supposed to – the game was still in progress. Suit, tie, dress shoes, and all – he charged onto the field, and he picked up his son so everybody would know that this was his boy, and he hugged him and held him and cried with him. I’ve never been so proud of a man in my life.

He carried him off the field, and when he got close to the sidelines I heard him say, “Scotty, I’m so proud of you. You were great out there. I want everybody to know that you are my son.” “Daddy,” the boy sobbed, “I couldn’t stop them. I tried, Daddy, I tried and tried, and they scored on me.”

“Scotty, it doesn’t matter how many times they scored on you. You’re my son, and I’m proud of you. I want you to go back out there and finish the game. I know you want to quit, but you can’t. And, son, you’re going to get scored on again, but it doesn’t matter. Go on, now.” It made a difference – I could tell it did.

When you’re all alone, and you’re getting scored on – and you can’t stop them – it means a lot to know that it doesn’t matter to those who love you. The little guy ran back on to the field – and they scored two more times – but it was okay.

I get scored on every day. I try so hard. I recklessly throw my body in every direction. I fume and rage. I struggle with temptation and sin with every ounce of my being – and Satan laughs. And he scores again, and the tears come, and I go to my knees – sinful, convicted, helpless.

And my Father – my Father rushes right out on the field – right in front of the whole crowd – the whole jeering, laughing world – and he picks me up, and he hugs me and he says, “I’m so proud of you. You were great out there. I want everybody to know that you are my son, and because I control the outcome of this game, I declare you — The Winner.”

Dads Day at School

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy’s Day at school,
and she couldn’t wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn’t there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees,
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn’t there.

“Where’s her daddy at?”
She heard a boy call out.
“She probably doesn’t have one,”
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
“Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day.”

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom .
And looked back at her teacher, who
told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

“My Daddy couldn’t be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone..
And though you cannot see him.
I’m not standing here alone.

“Cause my daddy’s always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he’ll forever be in my heart”

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest..
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere there in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was a right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

“I love my daddy very much,
he’s my shining star.
And if he could, he’d be here,
but heaven’s just too far.

You see he is an American Soldier
and died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it’s like he never went away.”
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mother’s amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

“I know you’re with me Daddy,”
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt..

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

1] Prayer is not a “spare wheel” that you pull out when in trouble; it is a “steering wheel” that directs us in the right path throughout life.

2] Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.

3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4] All things in life are temporary.  If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong don’t worry, they can’t last long either.

5] Old friends are like Gold! New friends are Diamonds! If you get a Diamond, don’t forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a base of Gold!

6]  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, “Relax My Child –  it’s just a bend, not the end!

7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn’t solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: “Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?” He replied: “Yes, losing your vision.”

9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow’s TROUBLES; it takes away today’s PEACE.

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging  body, and will dive into the waves, with  abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying  glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live  forever, but while I am still here, I will not  waste time lamenting what could have been, or  worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

                                         Views That Don’t Cut It

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: ‘I don’t believe  that God exists.’

‘Why do you say that?’ asked the customer.

‘Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist. 
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.  I can’t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.’

The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed   beard.  He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barbershop again
and he said to the barber:

‘You know what? Barbers do not exist.’   

‘How can you say that?’ asked the surprised barber. ‘I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on  you!’

‘No!’ the customer exclaimed. ‘Barbers don’t exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards,  like that man outside.’

‘Ah, but barbers DO exist! That’s what happens when  people do not come to me.’ 
‘Exactly!’ affirmed the customer. ‘That’s the point!  God, too, DOES exist! That’s what happens  when people do not go to Him and don’t look  to Him for help. That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.’

“The Sharing Seniors!”

 

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds(R) one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered…

“The teeth!”

 

 

 

“Short, Sweet and to the Point!”

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, red lights called enemies, caution lights called family and you will have flats called jobs.

But…if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called Jesus, You will make it to a place called success.

“The 7 Ups!”

1. Wake Up !!

Decide to have a good day.

“Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!

The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.

Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!

Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking.

“He who guards his lips guards his soul.” Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!…

For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. “Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…” Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!…

To the Lord.

“I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me”. Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!…

For something higher.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!…

Your Prayers.

“Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING.” Philippians 4:6 A POSITIVE THOUGHT If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

“Faith Can Move Mountains!”

A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smokies built a new sanctuary on a piece of land willed to them by a church member. Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the pastor that the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the parking lot, they would not be able to use the new sanctuary. Unfortunately, the church with its undersized lot had used every inch of their land except for the mountain against which it had been built.

In order to build more parking spaces, they would have to move the mountain out of the back yard. Undaunted, the pastor announced the next Sunday morning that he would meet that evening with all members who had “mountain moving faith.” They would hold a prayer session asking God to remove the mountain from the back yard and to somehow provide enough money to have it paved and painted before the scheduled opening dedication service the following week.

At the appointed time, 24 of the congregation’s 300 members assembled for prayer. They prayed for nearly three hours. At ten o’clock the pastor said the final “Amen”. “We’ll open next Sunday as scheduled,” he assured everyone. “God has never let us down before, and I believe He will be faithful this time too.”

The next morning as he was working in his study there came a loud knock at his door. When he called “come in”, a rough looking construction foreman appeared, removing his hard hat as he entered. “Excuse me, Reverend. I’m from Acme Construction Company over in the next county. We’re building a huge shopping mall. We need some fill dirt. Would you be willing to sell us a chunk of that mountain behind the church? We’ll pay you for the dirt we remove and pave all the exposed area free of charge if we can have it right away. We can’t do anything else until we get the dirt in and allow it to settle properly.”

The little church was dedicated the next Sunday as originally planned and there were far more members with “mountain moving faith” on opening Sunday than there had been the previous week!

Kids’ Deep Thoughts!
by Luis Palau

— Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” —

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! — Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. — Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15

                                     

                                       You’ll Get a Kick Outa This Story

 “Now, children,” said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, “with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?”

None of the children could tell him.

“Oh, yes, you know!” he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with one finger. “What is this?” he asked.

This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: “The jawbone of a Donkey.”

“Boy Scout Letter from Camp”

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

“Gr A ce!”

 

I left work early so I could have some uninterrupted study time right before the final in my Youth Issues class. When I got to class, everybody was doing their last minute studying. The teacher came in and said he would review with us for just a little bit before the test. We went through the review, most of it right on the study guide, but there were some things he was reviewing that I had never heard of. When questioned about it, he said that they were in the book and we were responsible for everything in the book. We couldn’t really argue with that.

Finally it was time to take the test.

“Leave them face down on the desk until everyone has one and I’ll tell you to start,” our prof instructed.

When we turned them over, every answer on the test was filled in! The bottom of the last page said the following:

“This is the end of the Final Exam. All the answers on your test are correct.

You will receive an ‘A’ on the final exam. The reason you passed the test is because the creator of the test took it for you. All the work you did in preparation for this test did not help you get the A. You have just experienced…grAce.”

He then went around the room and asked each student individually, “What is your grade? Do you deserve the grade you are receiving? How much did all your studying for this exam help you achieve your final grade?”

Now I am not a crier by any stretch of the imagination, but I had to fight back tears when answering those questions and thinking about how the Creator has passed the test for me.

Discussion afterward went like this: “I have tried to teach you all semester that you are a recipient of grace. I’ve tried to communicate to you that you need to demonstrate this gift as you work with young people. Don’t hammer them; they are not the enemy. Help them, for they will carry on your ministry if it is full of GRACE!”

Talking about how some of us had probably studied hours and some just a few minutes but had all received the same grade, he pointed to a story Jesus told in Matthew 20. The owner of a vineyard hired people to work in his field and agreed to pay them a certain amount. Several different times during the day, he hired more workers. When it was time to pay them, they all received the same amount. When the ones who had been hired first thing in the morning began complaining, the boss said, “Should you be angry because I am kind?” (Matthew 20:15).

The teacher said he had never done this kind of final before and probably would never do it again, but because of the content of many of our class discussions, he felt like we needed to experience grace.

Have you thanked your Creator today because of the grace you have experienced? Copyright 2002 Denise Banderman. Reprinted from www.MikeysFunnies.com

(The college where it happened: Hannibal LaGrange College.

Church Hooky

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked if his dad explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

The boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

“PUNS IZ FUN!?!”

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

 

“Religious Nuts!?!”

 

A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them: “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, “You think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

                                       

                                       Little Johnny’s Lie ability

Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcement. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.
“Is that really what your teacher taught you?”

      “Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it.”

Stanford Vassar 8 years Old School Work page 1

  

Stanford Vassar 8 years Old School Work page 2

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
" Miss " for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours

There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman. Before Marriage and After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: “Honey, What Are You Doing”...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

The A B C’s
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks...... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

“It Must Be Settled Tonight”

The burly miner blinked as he left the dark interior of the coal mine. Stopping at a faucet near the mine entrance, he washed the worst of the grime from his face and hands, then headed towards his home on the outskirts of the village. As he trudged along the dusty lane, he passed the open door of a little church. Inside, a small crowd listened intently as an energetic man gesticulated from the pulpit. Interested, the miner stepped to the door.

“Absolute surrender is what we must have,” the minister was saying. “Are you willing to surrender yourself absolutely into His hand? If not, you are not ready to meet your God.” The minister paced back and forth on the platform. “We do not know how much longer our earthly probation will last. Tonight you are living; tomorrow may be too late. Ask yourself, I beg of you, ‘Am I ready to meet the Lord?'”

The miner, touched to the quick, slipped into the back pew. I am not ready to meet God, he thought. I have lived a careless, godless life. How can I make peace with Him? The meeting ended, and the people filed out. Still the miner remained in the pew, his head in his hands.

Finally, the minister touched him on the shoulder. “Brother, are you ready to meet the Lord?”

Blindly, the miner shook his head. “I know I am not. Oh, help me find peace!”

An hour passed as the minister shared the plan of salvation; yet something held the miner back from full surrender.

“It’s getting late,” the minister finally said. “Go home, and continue to seek the Lord.”

The miner shook his head. “Stay with me a little longer; it must be settled tonight.”

Once again the minister explained the way of salvation and prayed, but in vain. Another hour passed.

“You must go home,” the minister told him. “It’s late, and I cannot make it any clearer.”

“It must be settled tonight,” the miner repeated, his eyes burning with earnestness.

“Then we shall stay here together,” the minister agreed. Once more he spoke of Jesus, and shared promise after promise. Once more he prayed, but in vain. “I must go,” the minister finally said. “It will soon be morning. Go home, and return tomorrow night. Maybe then you will find peace.”

“Sir, I cannot leave this place until I find peace.”

The poor man’s voice trembled. “Tomorrow may be too late. It must be settled tonight.”

The minister could not resist his appeal. “By the help of God.” he said, “it shall be settled tonight.”

Again he explained the steps of conversion; again he prayed. As he spoke, the miner broke into sobs and tears, and at last the light pierced his darkness.

“I see it!” he cried. “I give myself absolutely to God, to His will, to do only what He wants. It is settled.

Praise His name, it is settled!” The two men knelt again, but this time to thank God for bringing light to a sinner’s soul.

The next morning the miner went to work as usual. During the day he was sent to a distant part of the mine to fetch some tools. When he did not return, his fellow workers went to look for him. They found that the mine walls had caved in on him, and he was buried in the debris. Working with pick and shovel, they began to dig. Finally, from the fragments of rock and rubbish and stone which hid him from sight, came a faint sound: “Tonight —- would have been —- too late. Thank God —- it was settled —- last night!”

Remember…Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened!

Yes, I am a SENIOR CITIZEN!
I’m the life of the party…even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I’m so cared for — long-term care, eye care, private care, and dental care.
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…
I’m realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m a walking storeroom of facts…I’ve just lost the storeroom.
Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! Did I already send this to you?

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

 It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

 

“An Invitation”

In my Father’s house are many mansions I’m told,
I want mine next to yours with a sign, IT’S SOLD!

For Jesus paid the price for you and me,
He did it all on Calvary.

We now live in a wonderful neighborhood.
All our neighbors are Christian and good.

We don’t have to worry about our houses broken in,
We don’t have to worry about trouble and sin.

We don’t have to worry about what to wear,
We have our white robe Jesus washed with care.

We’re invited to a banqueting table…to a party RSVP
I want you to come and go with me…
Come and go with me.
–original poem submitted by Noel Moore.

  

“The ‘Right’ of Baptism!”

 

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony.

But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: “Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!”

“Parable of the Scars”

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His mother in the house was looking out the window saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could.

Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached her, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs.

That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal, and, on his arms, were deep scratches where his mother’s fingernails dug into his flesh in her effort to hang on to the son she loved. The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, “But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Mom wouldn’t let go.”

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, or anything quite so dramatic, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He’s been there holding on to you. The Scriptures teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril – and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That’s when the tug-of-war begins and if you have the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. 

God did not – and will not let you go. –Author unknown.

Politically Correct Terms for Women

She is not A BAD COOK.
She is
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not WORK OUT TOO MUCH.
She is an
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER.
She is not FAT

She has MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not CONCEITED.
She is
INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not SHAVE HER LEGS.
She experiences
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION.
She is not DUMB.
She is a
DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE.
She is
IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She is not TOO TAN.
She experiences
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT.

The Cost of Kids

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That doesn’t even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child’s name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

But $160,140 isn’t so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That’s a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don’t have children if you want to be “rich”. It is just the opposite. What do your get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, playhide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother’s Day, and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you’re lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

Occupational Hymns

 

The Dentist’s Hymn………….Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn……….There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Tailor’s Hymn…………..Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn…………..There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn……….Standing on the Promises
The IRS Agent’s Hymn………..I Surrender All
The Shopper’s Hymn………….Sweet By and By
The Pilot’s Hymn……………I’ll Fly Away
The Paramedic’s Hymn………..Revive Us Again
The Architect’s Hymn………..How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer’s Hymn…..A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper’s Hymn………..All Creatures of Our God & King
The Waiter’s Hymn…………..Fill My Cup, Lord
The Lifeguard’s Hymn………..Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal’s Hymn…………Search Me, O God
The Baker’s Hymn……………When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer’s Hymn…….It Is Well With My Soul
The Geologist’s Hymn………..Rock of Ages
The Librarian’s Hymn………..Whispering Hope

 

  All I Need to Know about Life I Learned from Trees

 

~ It’s important to have roots.

~ If you really believe in something, don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.

~ Be flexible so you don’t break when a harsh wind blows.

~ Grow where you’re planted.

~ It’s perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

~ Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

~ It’s more important to be honest than poplar.

 Older than Dirt

My Dad was cleaning out my grandma’s house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to “sprinkle” clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old!!

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers…………………………;…………………  ……         26.Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that].
27. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
If you remembered 11-19 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 20-27 = You’re older than dirt!

Grace!

The boy stood with back arched, head cocked back and hands clenched defiantly. “Go ahead, give it to me.”

The principal looked down at the young rebel. “How many times have you been here?”

The child sneered rebelliously, “Apparently not enough.”

The principal gave the boy a strange look. “And you have been punished each time have you not?”

“Yeah, I been punished, if that’s what you want to call it.” He threw out his small chest, “Go ahead I can take whatever you dish out. I always have.”

“And no thought of your punishment enters your head the next time you decide to break the rules does it?”

“Nope, I do whatever I want to do. Ain’t nothin’ you people gonna do to stop me either.”

The principal looked over at the teacher who stood nearby. “What did he do this time?”

“Fighting. He took little Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox.”

The principal turned to look at the boy, “Why? What did little Tommy do to you?”

“Nothin’. I didn’t like the way he was lookin’ at me, just like I don’t like the way your lookin’ at me! And if I thought I could do it, I’d shove your face into something.” The teacher stiffened and started to rise but a quick look from the principal stopped him.

He contemplated the child for a moment and then quietly said, “Today, my young student, is the day you learn about grace.”

“Grace? Isn’t that what you old people do before you sit down to eat? I don’t need none of your stinkin’ grace.”

“Oh, but you do.” The principal studied the young mans face and whispered. “Oh yes, you truly do…”

The boy continued to glare as the principal continued, “Grace, in its short definition, is unmerited favor. You cannot earn it–it is a gift and is always freely given. It means that you will not be getting what you so richly deserve.”

The boy looked puzzled. “You’re not gonna whup me? You just gonna let me walk?”

The principal looked down at the unyielding child. “Yes, I am going to let you walk.”

The boy studied the face of the principal, “No punishment at all? Even though I socked Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox?”

“Oh, there has to be punishment. What you did was wrong and there are always consequences to our actions. There will be punishment. Grace is not an excuse for doing wrong.”

“I knew it,” sneered the boy as he held out his hands. “Lets get on with it.”

The principal nodded toward the teacher. “Bring me the belt.” The teacher presented the belt to the principal.

He carefully folded it in two and then handed it back to the teacher. He looked at the child and said. “I want you to count the blows.” He slid out from behind his desk and walked over to stand directly in front of the young man. He gently reached out and folded the child’s outstretched, expectant hands together and then turned to face the teacher with his own hands outstretched.

One quiet word came forth from his mouth. “Begin.” The belt whipped down on the outstretched hands of the principal.

Crack! The young man jumped ten feet in the air. Shock registered across his face, “One” he whispered.

Crack! “Two.” His voice raised an octave. Crack! “Three…” He couldn’t believe this. Crack!

“Four.” Big tears welled up in the eyes of the rebel. “OK stop! That’s enough. Stop!”

Crack! Came the belt down on the callused hands of the principal.

Crack! The child flinched with each blow, tears beginning to stream down his face.

Crack! Crack! “No please”, the former rebel begged, “Stop, I did it, I’m the one who deserves it. Stop! Please. Stop…”

Still the blows came–Crack! Crack! One after another. Finally it was over.

The principal stood with sweat glistening across his forehead and beads trickling down his face. Slowly he knelt down. He studied the young man for a second and then his swollen hands reached out to cradle the face of the weeping child.

“Grace…” he simply said.

               Sad, Uplifting & True

I was driving to the grocery store just thinking of
everything on my list to do today.

Taking the kids to soccer practice, cleaning the house,
getting groceries, getting the oil changed in the car, the list went on and on.
I was feeling overwhelmed and was already tired before I had even gotten started.

On my way to the store I saw something horrible happen,
a train had run into a car that was crossing the tracks.
I thought “Oh no! This is horrible,
there is no way the driver of that car could have lived!!”

I was the closest car to the tracks so I put my car in park and got out.
I ran over to the car and looked in and could not believe what I was seeing.
Tears came to my eyes and I just couldn’t take it.

Inside the car was a woman driving that was obviously dead.
In the backseat was a baby in it’s car seat bleeding everywhere and
next to the baby was a little girl who I guessed to be about 4 years old and
she was bleeding also.
Just then the little girl spoke.
She said, “Is my mommy and baby Sister okay?”

I just looked at her and said “Honey I don’t know.
There is a doctor on his way right now.”

Just then the little girl started crying saying,
“Don’t take my mommy and my baby sister.
Take me with you too!! Please!!”
She was pleading at who knows what to take her – but take her where??

I asked the little girl who she was talking to and
she said, “Don’t you see?
That Angel is taking my mommy and my baby sister!
I want to go with them, too!
My mommy is waving goodbye to me and
she is holding my baby sister and she is smiling!”

The little girl started to cry because she did not want to stay,
she Wanted to go with her mommy and her baby sister.
I felt so sorry for her.
I didn’t believe in God and I thought to myself,
where did an Angel come from?
What kind of God would take a mommy and a baby but not the little sister?
At that moment I saw the little girl start to smile so big
as she held her arms out to something,
someone to pick her up.

I thought to myself that she must be delirious and
maybe she is hurt worse than I thought.
Just then the little girl closed her eyes and slumped over in her seat.
She was dead!

I couldn’t be sad even though this was a 4-year-old little girl that had just died.
You wouldn’t be sad either if you could see that beautiful smile on her face!
I guess her mommy and baby sister came back to get her.

That was also the day that God came to get me –
as that was the day that I became a believer and turned my life
over to the Living God.

“What God is Like!”

 

God is a little like General Electric
He lights your path.

God is a little like Bayer Aspirin
He works wonders.

God is a little like Hallmark Cards
He cared enough to send the very best.

God is a little like Tide
He gets out the stains that others leave behind.

God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is a little like Dial Soap
Aren’t you glad you know Him? Don’t you wish >everyone did?

God is a little like Sears
He has everything.

God is a little like Alka Seltzer
Oh, what a relief He is!

God is a little like Scotch Tape
You can’t see Him but you know He’s there!

God is a little like The Copper Top Battery
Nothing can outlast him.

God is a little like American Express
Don’t leave home without Him!

 

“Guess the Gender!”

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

“God’s Word for Women–and the Men Who Love Them!”

 

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.

From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man’s life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone, I shaped you, I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The ribcage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.

You are my perfect angel…..You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.

Your eyes……don’t change them. Your lips – how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I’ve held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support.

You are special because you are an extension of me. Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man……treat women well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.

Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self. Did you not know that WOMAN you are special in God’s eyes? Now we really know!

                                         My Best Friend “mom”

My Mother was my best friend here on earth but sad to say I probably didn’t realize that until she was gone. She loved me when I was un-lovable And no one else could stand me, even myself. She Prayed for me unceasingly over the years as I grew up and didn’t stop when I was not near so she could see me. Mama knew I needed Prayer when I needed it most and nobody around me cared. Friends didn’t stand by me when I was down but gathered around when I walked in sunshine but my Mama was there for me always. Oh how I miss her.

Growing up when there might not be enough food for all of us to have all we wanted Mama would say, “I’m not very hungry”, so we could have her share. It was after I was a Mother that I finally figured out that Mama didn’t really like the neck and back of fried chicken. And she probably would have liked a piece of cake, pie, or candy when she said she didn’t. Most homes now have all these things in surplus around to indulge in any time. It wasn’t that way in my childhood. Sweets were a treat that we appreciated when we got it.
Mama dressed me in yellow most always. She said I looked like sunshine in yellow. For a long time I didn’t care either way but when I was older and more aware of how I wanted to look I didn’t want any part of yellow, I thought I hated it. I never bought yellow clothes until just a few years ago. I never told Mama that I really love yellow. I never told Mama a lot of things that I should have told her and I regret that greatly now. I didn’t visit Mama as much as I should have in the last few years of her life and that’s a regret that breaks my heart. I took her for granted. I wish I could instill in all young kids to say I love you and Thank you to their Mother once in a while and not take them for granted. Of course I can’t do that because they would not understand the concept any more than I did. We just think they will always be there. Not the case.
Mama’s see all, hear all, know all so don’t be trying to fool them. I thought I could hide things from my Mama but she could look in my eyes and know. I thought she had eyes in the back of her head for years.
Mama had kidney poisoning when I was born and came close to dying. I asked her one day if I almost died too. She said, “Heck no Clydene, you came in kicking and screaming and you haven’t stopped yet”.
I hated school in my first year. I might not have kicked and screamed but I cried every day. Miss Sallie Burrow was my teacher. She tried everything to get me to shut up, her paddlings were not light I’m here to tell you. Finally she told everyone to ignore me and let me cry. One time I devised a plan to stay home. I’d just sneak back from the bus stop. I knew there was no way for me to get there if I missed the bus. I’d come sneaking up to the door and that darn screen door always squeaked loud. Mama sent me right back up that road running. I never got away with that one. My young mind never did comprehend that if I’d have stayed on the porch until I saw the bus leave and not opened that squeaky screen———Oh Well!!
Another time I really came up with a good one. I knew what Ex-lax did and I knew where some were. YEP! I ate about half a box. I didn’t have to go to school the next day but Lordy’ Mercy was I sick. I’m sure Mama got more gray hairs that night. I came in kicking and screaming all right!!!!

I can remember Mama telling me about the day I was born. She said she touched every inch of me. She counted my fingers and toes, looked in my eyes as I was screaming my lungs out, told me she loved me, and kissed the top of my head as she fed me. Every year on my birthday I’d ask her what time I was born. She told me I was born at 10 AM and I watched the clock, then at 10 AM then I’d jump up and declared my age.
If you still have your Mother and Maybe even your Grandmother You are richly Blessed. I pray all will love and honor their Mother’s not only on Mothers Day but every day as Jesus commanded.

Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

 

Mother’s Day Thought

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.

 

What Famous Mothers Might Have Said

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary’s Mother: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

Columbus‘ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

Napoleon’s Mother: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

Jonah’s Mother: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.

Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

7 Principles of Motherhood

  1. 1.    Motherhood ~~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
  2. 2.    Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you gets about the same results.
  3. 3.    Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
  4. 4.    There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
  5. 5.    There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
  6. 6.    Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
  7. 7.    Coping when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?

 

 

4      Ways To Know You’re a Mom

  1. 1.    Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  2. 2.    You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
  3. 3.    You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying
    some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve
    reached over and started to cut up his steak!
  4. 4.    Your feet stick to the kitchen floor…..and you don’t care.

 

Real Mothers

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.

                     Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy ‘s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’

Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’

The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’

‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest, ‘Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’

‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’

7 Reasons English Is A Pain To Learn

  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

  1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  2. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  3. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  4. One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
  5. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  6. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  7. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Eleven Strange Facts.. Hopefully it won’t take 7minutes to read

  1. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  2. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
  3. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  4. The characters Bert and Ernie onSesame Streetwere named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
  5. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  6. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  7. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON’T try this at home)!
  8. InEngland, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  9. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  10. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  11. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated

Seven Printed Instructions

  • On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
  • On a Sear’s hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
  • On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
    (The shoplifter special?)
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
  • On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”

Stopped Cold

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and the worst vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird, and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet – not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Biblical Questions and Answers

Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Nothing To Look At…

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. Possibly he just doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school. Possibly she may not even have one!

Robby’s addition: By the way invisible cows are seen but not herd….

Opinion Noted

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from

his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

Plumber in Hot Water

Charles Plumb, a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, was a jet pilot in Vietnam.
After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile.  Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison.

He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk, You were shot down! “

“How in the world did you know that?” asked Plumb.

“I packed your parachute,” the man replied.

Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked ! ”

Plumb assured him, “It sure did, If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, “I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said “Good morning, How are you?” or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.

Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shroud lines and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn’t know.

Plumb now asks “Who’s packing your parachute?”

Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day.

We needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory – – – – – he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.
He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.

As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachute.

Intelligence No-Brainer

Two workers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”
“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”
He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?”
“Intelligence,” the boss said.
“What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”
The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”
The worker took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’s hand. At the last second, the boss removed his hand and the worker hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The worker went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?”

“He said we are down here because of intelligence.”
“What’s intelligence?” said the friend.
The worker put his hand on his face and said, “hit my hand with your fist as hard as you can.”

Tess’ Miracle
(A TRUE STORY)

Tess was a precious eight year old when she heard her Mom and Dad
talking about her little brother, Andrew. All she knew was that he was very sick and they were completely out of money.

They were moving to an apartment complex next month because Daddy didn’t have the money for the doctor’s bills and our house. Only a very costly surgery could save him now and it was looking like there was no-one to loan them the money.

She heard Daddy say to her tearful Mother with whispered desperation,
“Only a miracle can save him now.”

Tess went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap,
she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to
Rexall’s Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but
he was too busy at this moment.

Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good.
Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

“And what do you want?” the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.

I’m talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven’t seen in ages,” he said, without waiting for a reply to his question.

“Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,” Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. “He’s really, really sick… and I want to buy a miracle.”

“I beg your pardon?” said the pharmacist.

“His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?”

“We don’t sell miracles here, little girl. I’m sorry but I can’t help you,”
the pharmacist said, softening a little.

“Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn’t enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.”

The pharmacist’s brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, “What kind of a miracle does you brother need?”

“I don’t know,” Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
“I just know he’s really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation.
But my Daddy can’t pay for it, so I want to use my money”.

“How much do you have?” asked the man from Chicago.

“One dollar and eleven cents,” Tess answered barely audibly.
“And it’s all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.

“Well, what a coincidence,” smiled the man. “A dollar and eleven cents-the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.” He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said “Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let’s see if I have the kind of miracle you need.”

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn’t long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
“That surgery,” her Mom whispered. “was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?”

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost… one dollar and eleven cents …… plus the faith of a little child.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law……

Talk is Cheep

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.

If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?

Length times width times height speaks volumes.

Horse Sense

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

Thar She Blows

I was in a pub on Saturday night.
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES are you deaf, you ignorant fool!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”

That’s the last thing I remember…

Tommy’s Story

John Powell, A Professor at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:
Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith. That was the first day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn’t what’s on your head but what’s in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under “S” for strange . . . very strange.

Tommy turned out to be the “atheist in residence” in my Theology of
Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about
the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father-God. We lived with
each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew. When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a slightly cynical tone: “Do you think I’ll ever find God?”

I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. “No!” I said very
emphatically.

“Oh,” he responded, “I thought that was the product you were pushing.”

I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then called out:
“Tommy! I don’t think you’ll ever find him, but I am absolutely certain that he will find you!”

He shrugged a little and left my class and my life. I felt slightly
disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line: “He will find you!” At least I thought it was clever.

Later I heard that Tommy had graduated and I was duly grateful. Then a sad report, I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe.

“Tommy, I’ve thought about you so often. I hear you are sick!” I blurted out.

“Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It’s a matter of
weeks.”

“Can you talk about it, Tom?”

“Sure, what would you like to know?”

“What’s it like to be only twenty-four and dying?”

“Well, it could be worse.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty
and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real ‘biggies’ in life.”

I began to look through my mental file cabinet under “S” where I had
filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification God sends back into my life to educate me.)

“But what I really came to see you about,” Tom said, ” is something you said to me on the last day of class.” (He remembered!)

He continued, “I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, ‘No!’ which surprised me.”

Then you said, “But he will find you.”

“I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time.”

(My “clever” line. He thought about that a lot!)
“But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, then I got serious about locating God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven. But God did not come out.”

“In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time
with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit. Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn’t really care…about God, about an afterlife, or anything like that.”

“I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more
profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered
something else you had said: ‘The essential sadness is to go through
life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through
life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them.’ ”

“So I began with the hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him.” ‘Dad’ “. .

“Yes, what?” he asked without lowering the newspaper.

“Dad, I would like to talk with you.” “Well, talk.” “I mean…. It’s
really important.”

The newspaper came down three slow inches. “What
is it?”

“Dad, I love you. I just wanted you to know that.”

Tom smiled at me and said with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him: “The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me. And we talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me.

“It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me,
too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. I was only sorry about one thing: that I had waited so long. Here I was just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to.”

“Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn’t come to me when I pleaded with him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, ‘C’mon, jump through.’ ‘C’mon, I’ll give you three days…three weeks.’ Apparently God does things in his own way and at his own hour.”

“But the important thing is that he was there. He found me. You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for him.”

“Tommy,” I practically gasped, “I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love.

“You know, the Apostle John said that. He said ‘God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.’

“Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing it wouldn’t be half as effective as if you were to tell them. ”

“Ooh . . . I was ready for you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for your
class.”

” Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call.”

In a few days Tommy called, said he was ready for the class, that he
wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never made it. He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class.

Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed. He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.

Before he died, we talked one last time.

“I’m not going to make it to your class,” he said. “I know, Tom.” “Will you tell them for me? Will you . . . tell the whole world for me?” “I will, Tom. I’ll tell them. I’ll do my best.”

So, to all of you who have been kind enough to hear this simple
statement about love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy,
somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven: “I told them, Tommy… as best I could.”

If this story means anything to you, please pass it on to a friend or
two. It is a true story and is not enhanced for publicity purposes.

Baited Breath

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t
catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,”
his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

GROCERY LIST

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store… She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. Visualizing the family needs, she said: ‘Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.’ John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two the customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, ‘Do you hava grocery list?’

Louise replied, ‘Yes sir.’

‘O.K’ he said, ‘put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.’

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, ‘I can’t believe it.’

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: ‘Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.’

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned
silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; ‘It was worth every penny of it.’

‘Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.’

man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.

She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?

A. Because it was a little chicken.

Q. What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?

A. Two points just like everybody!

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny

Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit?

A. You ‘nique up on him.

Q. How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?

A. None, they’re all on the outside.

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A.  A receding hareline.

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

A. A Hot Cross bunny.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?

A.  A harenet.

Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?

A. Hare mail.

Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?

A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

A. Just look for the gray hares.

Q. Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?

A. To the retail store.

Age Humor

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

                                                     Places I’ve Been

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

                                                         Irish Taxi Driver

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublinleaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

 

 Sayings of the Chronologically Challenged

Old genealogists never die, they just lose their census.

Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.

Old electricians never die, they just keep plugging away.

Old lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

Old cotton-pickers never die. They just bale out.

Old photographers never die, they just have flash backs.

Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.

Old postal workers never die, they just visit the old stamping grounds.

Old fire fighters never die, they just do asbestos they can.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy

Old grave-diggers never die, they just get buried in their work.

Old tightrope walkers never die, they just get high strung.

Old musicians never die, they are just disconcerted.

Old school principals never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear

Old burglars never die they just steal away.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old bankers never die, they just pass the buck.

Old mechanics never die, they just re-tire.

Old skydivers never die, they’re just more down to earth.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their remote, and glasses – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

                                             Endangered Species

My wife and I were flipping through TV channels the other night, and we settled for a while on one of those wildlife programs — this one was about the cheetah.

A thought occurred to me. “You know why they’re endangered, don’t you?” I said.
She nodded. “It’s that old saying, ‘Cheetahs never prosper.'”

Church Nevers

Never ask an usher to break a $20.
Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.
Never tell the pastor, “We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter.”
After a soloist of impressive size sings “Love Lifted Me,” don’t follow with the hymn “It Took a Miracle.”

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Shoe Business

Each day when I came home from work, I would drop to my knees and ask my four-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home, and he replied, “Yes.”
The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, “Do you want a box?”

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son, we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was also the father of a four-year-old.

                                                     Bum Party

A lady threw a party for her granddaughter. She had gone all out with a caterer, a band, and even a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and he would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high into the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I’ve never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!”

The other bum said, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Nuts about Jesus

During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, “What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?”

One five-year-old raised his hand. “I know the answer should be Jesus,” he began, “but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”

                                                  

                                                                   Proverbs 31 Wife

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m just so in love with my wife.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me. At lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives ma a warm bath” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. “Oh, I think I see. I bet you just found out she’s with you for your money?”
“No,” the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Walmart Application Revealed

 

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,

whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST

OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

                                              Marriage Plans

An eighty year old lady was marrying for the 4th time, this time her new husband was the local funeral director.

Friends at the service ask, “Who were your other husbands and why did you marry them?”

She said, “A banker, a circus ring master, and a preacher; one for the money two for the show three to get ready four to go.”

                                               Bread and Whine

 

When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the wine?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Stop whining and be quiet until you get to your seat.”

                                          Somethin Seemed Fishy

 

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John – he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.” The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John’s place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”

 

                                             Experience

 

“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”

 

                                 How High Have You Counted

 

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.

I said I didn’t know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.

“5,372,” came the prompt reply.

“Oh,” I said. “Why did you stop there?”

“The sermon was over.”

 

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” –U.S. Marine Corps

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” –Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” –Army’s magazine of prevention maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” –U.S. Air Force manual

“Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.” –Infantry Journal

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” –USAF Ammo Troop

“Tracers work both ways.” –U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” –Infantry Journal

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” –Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper….once.” –Anon

“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.” –Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” –Infantry Journal

“Aim towards the enemy.” –Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” –USAF Ammo Troop

                                  Four Worms in Church

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke … Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service.

Sell My Stuff

A Older Gentleman and his wife were sitting around talking after dinner. Out of the blue, he said, “Honey, if I die, I know you’ll eventually remarry. So as soon as I’m gone, I want you to sell all my stuff.”

She asked, “Now, why would you want me to do that?”
He replied, “Well, I don’t want some other Butt Head
using all my stuff.”

She said, “What makes you think I’d marry another Butt Head?

A wise man once Said: “There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

Food Bill

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!

                                                 “Seeing Eye”

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.” The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

Out Of Eden

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees. “Daddy? Why don’t we live in there instead of out here?” they asked innocently. Adam said, “Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home.”

Hands!
A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan’s hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it’s in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Roger Clemens’ hands is worth $475 million.
It depends on whose hands it’s in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Andre Agassi’s hands is worth millions.
It depends whose hands it’s in.

A rod in my hands will keep away an angry dog.
A rod in Moses’ hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it’s in.

A slingshot in my hands is a kid’s toy.
A slingshot in David’s hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it’s in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches. Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in Jesus’ hands will feed thousands. It depends whose hands it’s in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it’s in.

As you see now, it depends whose hands it’s in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God’s hands because…
It depends whose hands it’s in.
This message is now in YOUR hands.
What will YOU do with it?

It Depends on WHOSE Hands it’s in!

                                   No Account Bank Robber

A hooded bank robber walked into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My mother law here in the blue spotted dress got a pretty good look at you.’

A little boy was overheard praying:
‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better
boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.’

One particular four-year-old prayed,
‘And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
One bright little girl replied,
‘Because people are sleeping.’

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

Ketchup

A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, “Mommy can’t come to the phone. She’s hitting the bottle.”

I Pledge Allegiance

Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”

The Elderly

When I worked for an organization which delivered meals to the elderly, I would take along my four year old daughter. She was always fascinated by the appliances of old age – canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. One day I saw her staring at a set of false teeth in a jar. She said to me, “The tooth fairy will never believe this.”

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, “Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up.”

After a few seconds, one boy stood. “Do you think you’re stupid?” she asked.

“No, ma’am, but I just didn’t want you to have to stand there all by yourself.”

What kind of little girl was your mother?

I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.

I Don’t Want To Go To Church!

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!”

“Why not?” asked his mother.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”

The HamSandwich

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”

To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain, the yogi said, “No. I can transcend dental medication.”

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,  putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,”Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes ar e coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”  “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says
I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said,  “how do you make babies?”  “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a
public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said
 one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. The Father was trying to help his 8 year old daughter with her email ….”honey do you remember your password”?

She replied,“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy” Dad said, “Why such a big password honey”?

She proudly replied, “It had to be at least 8 characters long.”

16.The Young Mother asked the 3 year old how daddy knew if the new baby kittens were girls or boys, the son replied,  “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

17. A young man, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers,  “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken. I’m looking for the seal.”

18. 4 year old boy, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet“Don’t kid me, Mom, I know they’re my feet.” –

19. When the little Girl, was told she should make up her mind her reply,“How do you put make up on your mind?”.

20. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man namedLot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

21. A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Lost Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. (I always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

Tiger Snack

A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.

The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

The Preacher’s Dying Wish

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves.. and that’s how I want to go.”

Tough Missionaries

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve baked ’em, I’ve roasted ’em, I’ve stewed ’em, I’ve barbecued ’em, I’ve even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah ha!” he replies. “No wonder.. those are friars!”

The Rookie Priest

The young priest in training was so excited, today was his first day to take confession. His mentor stood in the wings patiently and listened to the confessions throughout the day..

That evening the Father Mentor took the young priest aside and instructed. “You did fine, but I noticed one thing that needs correction. You really need to pick another word to use after the sin is described, WOW, is never a good choice.”

Mind Your Own Business

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: ‘Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.’

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

Boys will Be Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?” she says as she shook the older boy in anger. “We were just playing church mommy,” he said. “And I was just baptizing him …in the name of the Father, the Son and in…the hole-he-goes.

Everybody has a good excuse
for not attending church.

 

I don’t eat any more because:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.

2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren’t really hungry.

3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can’t decide what to eat.

4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.

5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

6. None of my friends will eat with me.

7. I’ll start eating when I get older.

8. I don’t really have time to eat.

9. I don’t believe that eating does anybody any good. It’s just a crutch.

10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.

Giving a lame excuse for not attending church

or for not getting involved in ministry is just as silly as giving up eating.

Church attendance for the Christian is as important as regular, balanced meals.

Without spiritual food, we will die. (1 Peter 2:2).

 

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes toChina, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren’t quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

“Not here!” they said. …very confusing. Until ol’ Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu’Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, “Why here?” At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc’s guide replied: “Why honored Sir, … We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu’Lai”

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday.  Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11,Akron

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked…”doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”

I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the infant Jesus.

Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, “Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers.”

 

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What Denomination?” Asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Methodist ones.”

During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means – ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!’ “

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.”

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Pittsburgh,” and was thrown out on his ear.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Philadelphia.” He was promptly tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, “The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately.”

The man said to the rabbi, “I will come back only if you answer a question. “Where was Jesus born?”

The rabbi says, “Bethlehem”.

“Of course!” cried the man. “I knew it was inPennsylvania”.


Heaven on the Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point? WHAT!!!. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points, ” he says.

“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,


“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of

cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens

the voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,


“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”


She stopped, looked skyward! and said,


“IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied,


“NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”
The Sick Cookie…. Truly third grade material
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?… Because he felt crummy.

The invisible couple had a kid and he isn’t much to look at either!

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

Sad Story

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

Pretty Eve

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, “why did you make Eve so pretty?”
God replied, “So you would love her”.
Adam then asked, “why did you make her such a good cook?”.
God replied, “So that you would love her”.
Adam asked, “Why does she have such a heavenly smile?”.
God said “So you would love her”.
Finally, Adam asked “Why did you make her so dumb?”
God replied, “So that she would love you!”.

God’s Address

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

For all of us who are—seniors—
‘Where Is My Paper?’

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

‘Ma’am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.’

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

‘So that’s why no one was in church today.’

Urin Trouble!!!

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just wet on your leg!”

“I know,” said the blind man, but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.

Super Granny

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
(True story!)

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You answer the door before people knock.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don’t they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

                                             Emergency Response

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

 

 

                                         

 

 

 

                                           Did You Ever Wonder?

 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

What did cured ham actually have?

                                                         Baby Belly

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

He inquisitively asks the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
“Then why did you eat him?”

                                          

 

 

                                           Gifts for the Teacher

 

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” “That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?” With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

 

      Teach The Children The True Meaning of Christmas

This is how it happened…I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree.

He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out. “What are you doing?” I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat, and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know.

He then answered me with a simple statement.
“TEACH THE CHILDREN!”

I was puzzled; what did he mean? He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said,
“Teach the children! Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten.”

In his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantel.
“Teach the children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man’s thoughts turning toward heaven.”

He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR.
“Teach the children that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of His promise.”

He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE.
“Teach the children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness.”

Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree.
“Teach the children that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection.”

He then pulled from his bag an ornament of himself.
“Teach the children that I, St. Nick, Santa Claus ) symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December.”

He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF.
“Teach the children that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly represents the blood shed by Him.”

Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said,
“Teach the children that God so loved the world that HE gave HIS only begotten SON…” “Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift.

“Teach the children that the wise men bowed before the Holy BABE and presented HIM with gold, frankincense and myrrh. We should always give gifts in the same spirit of the wise men.”

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree.
“Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherds’ crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring back strayed sheep to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother’s keeper.”

He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL.
“Teach the children that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior’s birth. The angels sang ‘Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace and good will toward men.”

Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL.
“Teach the children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should ring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.”

Santa looked back and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said,
“Remember, teach the children the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship HIM, our LORD, our GOD.”

                                    CHRISTMAS LOVE

Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13.

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of CHRISTMAS LOVE will endure

THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The  next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
For moms!

When this season gets to be too much – just read this poem…

Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, & she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 & Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, & saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?”
“Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – The mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!”
“I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”

From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy?! Come quickly, I’m scared & I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”

The clone changed the small one & hummed her tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled & sighed, “And I love you, too.”

The mom frowned & said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s LOVE she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.
“Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old for my cradle & song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right.”

               The Dime

Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn’t wear boots; he didn’t like them and anyway he didn’t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother’s Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, “This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don’t have any money to spend.”

Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn’t because his mother didn’t care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.

What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the house hold in their mother’s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn’t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing.

Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn’t easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to. Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window.

Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach.

It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun’s rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment.

As he held his new-found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn’t buy anything with only a dime.

He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother’s Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering.

Then he put his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and said to him, “You just wait here and I’ll see what I can do for you.” As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers.

The sound of the door closing as the last customer left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter.

There, before Bobby’s eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby’s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box.

“That will be ten cents young man,” the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime!

Sensing the boy’s reluctance, the shop owner added, “I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?”

This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, “Merry Christmas son.”

As he returned inside, the shop keeper’s wife walked out. “Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?”

Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, “A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn’t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway.

Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime.

“When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. “When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses.” The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn’t feel cold at all.

Christmas Eve 1881

Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not from receiving.

It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn’t been enough money to buy me the rifle that I’d wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible. After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn’t in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn’t get the Bible, instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn’t figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn’t worry about it long though, I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.

Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. “Come on, Matt,” he said. “Bundle up good, it’s cold out tonight.” I was really upset then. Not only wasn’t I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see. We’d already done all the chores, and I couldn’t think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this. But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one’s feet when he’d told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens.

Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn’t know what. Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn’t going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load.

Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn’t happy. When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. “I think we’ll put on the high sideboards,” he said. “Here, help me.” The high sideboards! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.

After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood — the wood I’d spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting.

What was he doing? Finally I said something. “Pa,” I asked, “what are you doing?” “You been by the Widow Jensen’s lately?” he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I’d been by, but so what? “Yeah,” I said, “Why?” “I rode by just today,” Pa said. “Little Jake was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They’re out of wood, Matt.”

That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the wood-shed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait. When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. “What’s in the little sack?” I asked. “Shoes. They’re out of shoes.

Little Jake just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without a little candy.”

We rode the two miles to the Widow Jensen’s pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn’t have much by worldly standards. Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn’t have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy? Really, why was he doing any of this? The Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn’t have been our concern.

We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible. Then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, “Who is it?” “Lucas Miles, Ma’am, and my son, Matt. Could we come in for a bit?” The Widow Jensen opened the door to let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. The Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.

“We brought you a few things, Ma’am,” Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it. She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last.

I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn’t come out. “We brought a load of wood too, Ma’am,” Pa said. He turned to me and said, “Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let’s get that fire up to size and heat this place up.”

I wasn’t the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat, and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too. In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn’t speak.

My heart swelled within me and a joy that I’d never known before filled my soul. I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.
I soon had the fire blazing and everyone’s spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and the Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn’t crossed her face for a long time. She finally turned to us. “God bless you,” she said. “I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us.” In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again.

I’d never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after the Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it.

Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes. Tears were running down the Widow Jensen’s face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn’t want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.

At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, “The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We’ll be by to get you about eleven. It’ll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here, hasn’t been little for quite a spell.” I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away.

Widow Jensen nodded and said, “Thank you, Brother Miles. I don’t have to say, ‘May the Lord bless you,’ I know for certain that He will.”

Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn’t even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, “Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn’t have quite enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that. But on the way I saw little Jake out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do.

“Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand.”

I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on the Widow Jensen’s face and the radiant smiles of her three children.

For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered. And remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life.

                                   The Charles Schulz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. They are the
best in their fields. But the applause dies.. Awards tarnish.. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money…or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.

Kids Proverbs

Kids say the darndest Christian jokes.

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

  • As you shall make your bed so shall you … Mess it up
  • Better to be safe than … Punch a 5th grader
  • Strike while the … Bug is close
  • It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time
  • Never underestimate the power of … Termites
  • You can lead a horse to water but … how?
  • Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
  • No news is .. impossible
  • A miss is as good as a … Mr.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new … math
  • If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning
  • Love all, trust … me
  • The pen is mightier than the … pigs
  • An idle mind is … The best way to relax
  • Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution
  • Happy the bride who … gets all the presents
  • A penny saved is … not much
  • Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers
  • Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose
  • None are so blind as … Helen Keller
  • Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded
  • If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries
  • You get out of something what you … see pictured on the box
  • When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way

                           What Love means to a 4 to 8 year old…

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,  ‘What does love mean?’

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:
‘When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’ Rebecca- age 8

‘When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’ Billy – age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’ Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’ Chrissy – age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’ Terri – age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.’ Danny – age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss’ Emily – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.’ Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , ‘
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.’
Noelle – age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’ Tommy – age 6

‘During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’ Cindy – age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’ Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’ Elaine-age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .’ Chris – age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’ Lauren – age 4

‘When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image) Karen – age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
Mark – age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.’ Jessica – age 8

And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,

‘Nothing , I just helped him cry’

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think, Since I’m going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Sack Lunch

I put my carry-on in the Luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m Glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will Get a short nap,’ I thought.

Just before take-off, A line of soldiers came down the aisle and Filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding Me. I decided to start a conversation.

‘Where are you Headed?’ I asked the soldier seated nearest toMe. ‘Petawawa. We’ll be there for two Weeks for special training, and then we’re being Deployed toAfghanistan.

After Flying for about an hour, an announcement was Made that sack lunches were available for five Dollars. It would be several hours before we Reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch Would help pass the time…

As I reached for my Wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if He planned to buy lunch.  ‘No, that seems Like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we get to base.’

His friend agreed. I looked around at the Other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked To the back of the plane and handed the flight Attendant a fifty dollar bill.  ‘Take a Lunch to all those soldiers.’

She grabbed my Arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with Tears, she thanked me. ‘My son was a soldier in Iraq; it’s almost like you are doing it for Him.’

Picking up ten Sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the Soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and Asked, ‘Which do you like best – beef or Chicken?’
‘Chicken,’ I replied, Wondering why she asked. She turned and went to The front of plane, returning a minute later With a dinner plate from first class.

‘This is your thanks.’
After we finished Eating, I went again to the back of the plane, Heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. ‘I saw what you did. I want to Be part of it. Here, take this.’ He handed me Twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned To my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down The aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he Walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but Noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my Side of the plane. When he got to my row he Stopped, smiled, held out his hand and said, ‘I Want to shake your hand.’ Quickly unfastening my Seatbelt I stood and took the Captain’s hand. With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier And I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought Me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never Forgot.’

I was embarrassed when applause was Heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the Front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A Man who was seated about six rows in front of me Reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He Left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I Gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man Who stopped me, put something in my shirt
Pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a Word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the Terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their Trip to the base. I walked over to Them and handed them seventy-five dollars. ‘It Will take you some time to reach the Base. It Will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.’

Ten young Men left that flight feeling the love and Respect of their fellow travelers.

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The United States of America   ‘ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.’
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.

“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

NASA’s Chicken Assault Gun

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun for the purpose of launching dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshield of airline jet, military jet, or the space shuttle, at that vehicle’s maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it would simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. However, upon firing the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified and puzzled, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a brief response: “Thaw the chicken.”

The Smartest Man In The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace”.

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

                                         Another Man’s Wife

Roger Matthews tells the following story:

We were traveling one summer in thePocono Mountainsand, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation.

One lazy Sunday we found our way to a littleMethodistChurch. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly “out” in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, “The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife.” The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, “It was my mother.” The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation’s attention back when it has been lost.

Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in thePocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, “The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife.” Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, “And for the life of me, I can’t remember her name.”

34 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:

1… There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2… If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3… A 3 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4… If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.

5… It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6… Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7… You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8… When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9… A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10… The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11… When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.

12… Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13… A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14… A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15… If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak- it explodes.

16… A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17… Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18… Duplos will not.

19… Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

20… Super glue is forever.

21… No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

22… Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

23… VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

24… Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

25… Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

26… You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

27… Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

28… Plastic toys do not like ovens.

29… The fire department inAustinhas at least a 5 minute response time.

30… The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

31… It will however make cats dizzy.

32… Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

33… Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.

34… A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Children are Quick

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
——————————————————–
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

“Sermons of the Boring Variety!”

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.

The preacher was true to his word, never looking through his wife’s dresser drawers, and the good wife was never openly critical of her husband’s sermons. Their marriage progressed smoothly.

After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.

That evening, as they were putting their anniversary gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.

“Oh,” she said. “Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?”

The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered, “Yes.”

“Well,” she continued, “I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer.”

The preacher smiled. “Well, that’s not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?”

His wife quietly responded, “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.”

                                       

                               What’s On the Other Side

 

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said,
“Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.”

Very quietly, the doctor said,
” I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which
came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
” Did you notice my dog?
He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without
fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing,

I know my Master is there and that is enough.”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.

It’s probably just your Dad.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,

‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!’

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own Mother? He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked,

‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side.

I think I’m going to have a wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                                                            

The Preachers Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man
that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher).

The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, “Hallelujah!”. The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, “Amen!”.

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal
to try out the preacher’s instructions.

“Hallelujah!”, shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!”, shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

“This is great!”, said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!”, he cried.The donkey just kept going.
“Oh, no…’Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!”, shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster.

He was now getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer… “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN”.

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

“HALLELUJAH!, OOOOOOOOOOOOPS”, shouted the man!!!

Children Writing About the Ocean…

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She’s not my friend any more.   (Kylie, age   6)                                                                                

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.   Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)                                                          

The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I  don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)   
My dad  was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)   

 

If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.   (Mike, age  7)
                                                     
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,”
the man shouted,  “That’s not what I said!”

A man spoke frantically into the phone,
“My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”.
“Is this her first child?”
the doctor asked. “No!”, the man shouted,
“This is her husband!”.

Jesus is Real

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago.
His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad. The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.
Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.
Mikey, what happened?”
Sheriff Marr asked.
Mikey replied,
“Well, Papaw, I was fishin’ with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin’ pole and I didn’t get to catch no fish!”
As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and into the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two places.
Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine. Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Walmart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.
The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.
When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-fact, said, “Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?”
“Well,” the Sheriff replied, a little startled. “Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts.”
“No,” said Mikey.
“I mean Jesus is REALLY real.”
“What do you mean?” asked the Sheriff.
“I know he’s real ’cause I saw him.” said Mikey, still casting into the trash can.
“You did?” said the Sheriff.
“Yep,” said Mikey.
“When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole,  Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle.”

Humor – Something to Think About…

  • There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
  • When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  • Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  • Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  • Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
  • If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
  • You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • Don’t cry because it’s over: smile because it happened.
  • We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty. some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors…….but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
  • Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  • A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  • Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
  • Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today!
  • Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
  • I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  • If not for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.
  • Whatever hits the fan will not necessarily be evenly distributed.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • We cannot change the direction of the wind… but we can adjust our sails.
  • Some days are a total waste of makeup.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight… or should I walk by you again?
  • If the shoe fits……buy it in every color.

                                                                               Language Barrier

Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
“We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.
“Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,  Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
“Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!”

TIGHT FIT

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said,

“I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…

MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he’s here, he takes up a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really tired & very glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.  What a life!
Oh, yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper…..the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. So have fun, think ‘good thoughts’ only, learn to laugh at yourself, and ‘count your blessings

A Boy’s Best Friend
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”
“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”
“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.. “Here, Dolly!” he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up…

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would..”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

“How much?” asked the little boy… “No charge,”
answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

                          Drinking From My Saucer

I’ve never made a fortune, and it’s probably too late now.
But I don’t worry bout that much, I’m happy anyhow.

As I go along life’s way, I’m reaping better than I sowed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ‘Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven’t got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going’s tough.
But I’ve got loving ones round me, and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ‘Cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ‘Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough, I’ll not ask for other blessings, I’m already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I’ll keep drinking from my saucer, “Cause my cup has overflowed.”

High Tech Senior Citizen

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. “THAT WAS MY PAGER,” SHE SAID. “I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.”

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, “THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.”

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID……….”WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT……I’M GETTING A FAX!!”

Final Wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, withered and shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those”, she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

Jesus’ Food

My daughter, Anna, was almost three years old when one night at dinner she asked me if Jesus really did live in her heart.

Not wanting to go into the theology of salvation, I simply answered, “Yes.”

She responded with, “I don’t think He likes carrots.”

The Children ofIsrael

At theHenryStreetHebrewSchool, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”

“What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.

“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed theRed Sea. Right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Er–right.”

“And the Children of Israel built theTemple, right?”

“Again, you’re right.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin’ somethin’ important. Right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So, what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What were all the grown-ups doin'”?

The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: “Due unto others.”

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID,
“HELLO, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.”

THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
“WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?”
SHE SAID, “SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.”
“I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.”
“3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”
“I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302.”
 “JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE’S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS   IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O’ CLOCK.”

THE WOMAN SAID,
” THANK GOD!
THAT’S WONDERFUL”
OH! THAT’S FANTASTIC.
THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS! “

THE NURSE SAID,
” FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!”

“NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!”

                                   Expectations

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright.

He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it.

One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can’t find a seat.  By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.  Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and, when he realizes there are no seats, he
just squats down to sit, right on the carpet.

Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, this had never happened in this church before! By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. This deacon is in his eighties, has
silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can’t blame him for what he’s going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the
floor?

It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man’s cane.  All eyes are focused on him. You can’t even hear anyone breathing. The minister can’t even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With
great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill, to worship with him so he won’t be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, “What I’m about to preach, you might never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people
will ever read.”

                                                Time and Friends………….

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.

Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow.”

You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!

The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present!!!

One Hug

Being a nursing aid in a home for the elderly, one never seemed to be
amazed at anything. This cool September morning the minister’s wife
and her daughter came to the home to visit the residents. The
residents always looked forward to the minister’s wife visit but this
was special, she was bringing her daughter.

Sitting in a corner of the living area was an elderly lady named
Grace. Grace was so unhappy and it seemed that nothing could comfort
her. Her families had brought her here over a year ago and have
visited only once. Many families did that but some of the residents
could deal with it while Grace could not.

Grace’s chin was on her chest and her white hair fell forward covering
her face where silent tears rolled unto pale cheeks.

The young girl looked over at her and walked over to the darkened
corner. She kneeled down and looked into moist blue eyes. A wide smile
crossed her face as she said, “Hello, I am Beth, what is your name?”

Grace lifted her head and looked at the beautiful young girl who stood
in front of her. She wiped the moisture from her cheek and whispered.
“I am Grace, my dear it is so nice to meet you.” A soft smile appeared
on her face as she looked into the excited green eyes of the young
lady standing before her.

Beth leaned over and gave Grace a big hug.

We all stood there with mouths wide open. Beth hugged Grace, and Grace
hugged her back. In the whole year of her being in the home no one
could ever remember her smiling let alone give a hug. Wow! The aids
were amazed and even tears fell freely. That one act of kindness from
a young girl who was only 8, made a big difference in another’s life. Beth visited with her mother often and always went straight to Grace
for her hug. They would visit and smile and laugh, they became such
wonderful friends.

Over four years passed and Beth was always there for her visit with
Grace. The one day she came Grace was not in her corner. She skipped
down to her room thinking she was resting. The room was dark and
empty.
The head nurse seen her and walked slowly towards her.

“Beth, I so wanted to catch you before you came and I did call but you
had already left. Honey, Grace passed away late last night”

Beth looked at the nurse and said, “Oh my, Grace told me that she
would soon be with her Lord. She has gone home to be with Jesus. She
was so looking forward to that. Told me she would miss me but for me
not to worry for she would be so very happy.”
A tear ran down Beth’s cheek, as she added, “I shall so miss her. I
did so love her.”

The nurse watched Beth as she walked away. She wondered if that young
lady had any idea of just how many lives she had touched with one hug.

Beth walked slowly she was filled with so many emotions. Yes, she
would so miss her Grace but she was so happy that Grace was home with
Jesus.

Grace’s family made the arrangements for the funeral but Beth was not
told where or when. This broke her heart. Still every week she would
go to the nursing home and chat and hug the beautiful people there.

Years later, Beth was in charge of a large nursing home in the state
of Ohio. She loved her work and she insisted that anyone working there
would treat the residents with respect and dignity. Beth always told
those who asked that she is working in the nursing home because of a
wonderful precious lady named Grace. Grace had shown her how important all people are.

Today was a special day for Beth and the residents, Beth was bringing
her daughter Grace to work with her. Everyone was looking forward to
that.

Title Rights

New Orleanslawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you at the FHA find God’s original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our loan?”

The loan was approved.

 

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced “I’m sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don’t worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I’d also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board.” Someone at the back of the plane piped up “I’d feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!”

It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

“Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.”

Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales, not management!”

ANOTHER WAY TO PRAY (as told by a preacher years ago)

An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC’s. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, “I see you’re practicing your alphabet.”

“No,” replied the child. “I was praying. You see, I don’t know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!”

At our seminary one of the students called Samuel, who had a Pentecostal
background, loved to get up at three a.m. to practice Psalm 5:3 “My voice
shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my
prayer unto thee, and will look up.”

And as a good Pentecostal, he prayed out loud, so no one of us
not-so-faithful ones could get asleep.

Once some of the guys laid a twelve inches PVC pipe over the ceiling, until
it reached Samuel’s bedroom. Right when he started praying, the guy said
through the pipe causing an echo: “Samuel, Samuel .”.

Samuel felt on his knees and in a triumphant voice shouted: “Speak; for thy
servant heareth”. And their came the reply “Samuel, Go, lie down, and let my
other servants get some sleep”.

A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming all through the church service. His father tried several times to quiet him, but to no avail. Just as I was asking for prayer requests, the boy let out a loud yell. His father, obviously at the end of his rope, picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was nearly out the door, I continued asking if there were any more requests when this little voice yelled desperately from across the threshold, “Oh, please pray for me!”

Our minister’s little boy noticed that his dad always knelt and prayed during the hymn right before his sermon.  When the boy asked his mom why dad did that, she said “He is asking God to help him”.  The boy replied “So, why doesn’t God help him?”

When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord’s Prayer to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn’t understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years later when I ran across the faded page with the child’s writing….. “and lead a snot into temptation”…..

I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital’s fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:

The older I get the better I was.

My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner.   As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal.   The pastor’s young daughter said, “I’m sure glad it wasn’t dog poop!”.  Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh.  The pastor’s wife had told the child before coming to my daughter’s house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what – even if it was dog poop.

One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four.  I didn’t expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet.  When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 “anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder” was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say “Uh-oh”
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up after the Hymn of Meditation and declared…”Friends…My text for this  morning is’ Be not afraid, for it is I !” Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind the lectern for the evening service.  After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacher stood on his platform…vestments fully visible…”Friends…my text for this evening is…Yet a little while and you see me no longer!” Just then the platform collapsed and down went the preacher.

My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling after eating skittles candy.

Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children’s arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Announcements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help “walk” to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the “chase was on.”

Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office–I’m the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, “What’s the matter?” He replied, “Hide me preacher, there’s a ‘demon’ after me!”

The first prayer I ever learned was “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food”. Unfortunately, I has also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it, quiet Sunday dinner. The family asks the youngest child to say grace. She is nervous–but manages to pray “God is great, God is good, roll him roll him throw him in the pan”. Oops!

One day a Pastor went to visit one of his church members homes. As he arrived, the mother of the house saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she has gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice “Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of the house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!”

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion elements in her usual manner. Or at least I thought it was in her usual style. When it came time to uncover the elements, the grape juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient’s face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discovered why the strange looks…the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, “Perhaps this is a divine commentary on our spirituality…we need a little loosening up!”

A 5 year old boy staying with his grandmother wanted to show his love for her. He decided to bring her morning coffee. Although it was lukewarm and had coffee grounds floating on top, she sipped it appreciating his gesture.Then she noticed 3 small green army men in the bottom of the cup. When she asked why they were there the boy replied,”but grandma don’t you know the best part of waking up is “soldiers” in your cup?”

When I was a child of about 4 or 5, my dad was called to be the guest speaker at a church one Sunday morning. By way of bribery my parents had told me before arriving at the church that if I were a good boy they would take me to McDonalds after the service. During my Dads rather firey sermon on the destination of the good vs. the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, “And where do you think those that live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go”? With all the fervency of the old time ameners, I stood in my seat and cried out “TO MCDONALDS”!!!

This should probably be tape

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening pearls in a pink foil box..

“Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?”

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.

“A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them, I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself.. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough to buy the Necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”

“Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls.”

“Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She’s my very favorite.”

“That’s okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, “Do you love me?”

“Daddy, you know I love you..”

“Then give me your pearls.”

“Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper.”

“That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one.. Daddy loves you.”

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style.

As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.
“What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”

Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, “Here daddy, this is for you.”

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny’s daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny …..

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure. So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

“Hoss.” said Willie.

“Wrong,” said the teacher. “It was Adam.”

“Aw, shucks!” Willie replied. “I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.”

On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy!  Am I ever tried.”

Her husband (the Pastor) looked over at her & said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons.  Why are you so tired?”

“Dearest,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:
a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack.
c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
a. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
b. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and thensuddenly slip yourself into the choir.
c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”

4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
a. Hum for your life.
b. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
d. Sing the first page over again.

5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
b. Try to make it harmonize.
c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced “I’m sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don’t worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I’d also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board.” Someone at the back of the plane piped up “I’d feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!”

My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner.   As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal.   The pastor’s young daughter said, “I’m sure glad it wasn’t dog poop!”.  Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh.  The pastor’s wife had told the child before coming to my daughter’s house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what – even if it was dog poop.

‘THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME’

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……’LOGIC’
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……MEDICINE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……TO THINK AHEAD
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……ESP
“Put your sweater on, Don’t you think I know when your cold?”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……TO MEET A CHALLENGE
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don’t talk back to me.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……HUMOR
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……HOW TO BE AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……SEX
“How do you think you got here?”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……GENETICS
“You are just like your father.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY……ROOTS
“Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……THE WISDOM OF AGE
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING……JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU…..then you’ll see what it’s like.”

A Proper Baptism “True Story”

I had not been preaching long at a rather “staid and proper” congregation when a fellow I did not recognize came forward at the invitation.  Upon questioning, I found that Earnest Ray was from “up in the hills” and he had come to church that morning to be baptized.  Not only that, but he brought all of his friends and relatives with him.  He said he wanted his relative to baptize him.

Not knowing the protocol of the new congregation, I let them get ready for the baptism while I waited with the rest of the church.  All the while, I kept wondering, “Should I step back there and give his relative a couple of ‘pointers’ regarding the baptism?”

I should have gone back there.

When it came time for Earnest Ray to be baptized, his cousin said, “I now baptize you in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”, and proceeded to dunk him under the water.  The problem was, Earnest Ray panicked and grabbed hold of the edge of the baptistry.

The relative wasn’t about to just baptize part of Earnest Ray.  He held him under water and kept yelling “Turn Loose Earnest Ray!  Turn Loose!  It ain’t gonna do you no good unless you turn Loose!”  This went on until Earnest Ray passed out long enough to turn loose.

Needless to say, the congregation was no longer staid and proper.  People were rolling in the aisles.

THE OLD PATHS

I liked the old paths, when
Moms were at home.
Dads were at work.
Brothers went into the army..
And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

Crime did not pay;
Hard work did;
And people knew the difference.

Moms could cook;
Dads would work;
Children would behave.

Husbands were loving;
Wives were supportive;
And children were polite.

Women wore the jewelry;
And Men wore the pants.
Women looked like ladies;
Men looked like gentlemen;
And children looked decent.

People loved the truth,
And hated a lie;
They came to church to get IN,
Not to get OUT!

Hymns sounded Godly;
Sermons sounded helpful;
Rejoicing sounded normal;
And crying sounded sincere.

Cursing was wicked;
Drugs were for illness;
And divorce was unthinkable.

The flag was honored;
America was beautiful;
And God was welcome!

We read the Bible in public;
Prayed in school;
And preached from house to house
To be called an American was worth dying for;
To be called a Christian was worth living for;
To be called a traitor was a shame!

Preachers preached because they had a message;
And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!
Preachers preached from the Bible;
Singers sang from the heart;
And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!

A new birth meant a new life;
Salvation meant a changed life;
Following Christ led to eternal life.

Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God;
Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord;
Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!

Laws were based on the Bible;
Homes read the Bible;
And churches taught the Bible.

God was worshiped;
Christ was exalted;
And the Holy Spirit was respected..

Church was where you found Christians
On the Lord’s day, rather than in the garden,
On the creek bank, on the golf course,
Or being entertained somewhere else.

I still like the old paths the best!
‘The Old Paths’ was written by a retired minister who lives
InTennessee

                                                 SCHOOL PRAYER

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher, Miss Merc, asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

“I sure did, Miss Merc,” one little girl replied. “I PRAYED FOR MORE SNOW.”

 

                                                          PRAY

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out of the church. Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation: “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

 

                                                BIBLE QUESTION

A ten-year old girl, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking:

“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James ‘Virgin’?”

 

                                             TEACHER LEARNS

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, “And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?” Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

My friend’s son raised his hand and said, “I know! I know! He said: “Holy smokes! A talking pig!”

Note: The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

                                              HONESTY PAYS

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

 

 

 

                                          ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together.

As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal current and past.

For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say: “And all girls”.

As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”.

Her response: “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’ !

CHURCH FOOTBALL PHRASES

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.

BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after closing prayer as everyone rushes for their favorite restaurant.

BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children’s Christmas program.

DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HALFTIME-The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.

HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.

PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

BENCHWARMER – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.

BACKFIELD-IN-MOTION – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

STAYING IN THE POCKET – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

TRAP – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

END RUN – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

HALFBACK OPTION – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

INSTANT REPLAY – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN

A little child in church watched as the ushers passed the offering plate. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. ‘Don’t pay for me Daddy. I’m under five.’

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service. ‘And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.’

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. ‘And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail’.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!’

Where’s Mary

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. ‘How are you feeling Mary?’ the visitor asked. ‘Oh,’ said the lady, ‘I’m just worried sick!’ ‘What are you worried about, dear?’ her friend asked. ‘You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?’ ‘Yes, they are taking very good care of me.’ ‘Are you in any pain?’ she asked. ‘No, I have never had a pain in my life.’ ‘Well, what are you worried about?’ her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. ‘Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.’

THREE DADS

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people with baskets to collect all the money!’

                                    The Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly  gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient,I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointmentthis morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’

She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in.

“Mom, let’s run through the rain,”she said.

“What?” Mom asked.
“Let’s run through the rain!” She repeated.
“No, honey.  We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,”Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said. Then off they ran.
We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Children and Sharing Grand Parent Stories

1.   She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”  I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.   My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.  “We used to skate outside on a pond.   I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in.  At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?”  “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.  “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7.  I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out  something and ask what color it
was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors  yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”  “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised  “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today.”  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said.  “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote:  “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.  “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good  things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

A SHOT IN THE BELT

  • ·  It was just a few days until Christmas arrived. I was excited and happy. My boyfriend was visiting for the holidays fromMassachusetts. I was sure he had brought an engagement ring, for we were in love and hoping for a future together. Everything was perfect. Mother had the house beautifully decorated, the homemade goodies were almost finished, there were many gaily wrapped packages under the big sparkling tree in the living room alcove, and the our home smelled of pine, sugar cookies and mincemeat.

I was in my room dressing when I heard my mother bringing my boyfriend upstairs and going into her bedroom. Curious I went after them, but mother shooed me away saying she wanted to show him my Christmas gift. She shut the door and I hung around outside waiting until they were through. I heard her open her closet door, and their whispering. Suddenly I heard a gunshot and my mother screaming.

I hurried to the door, but as soon as I touched the knob, Mother screamed, “Don’t come in, Margie! Don’t come in”!

I knew then that she had shot my one and only love, but ever the obedient daughter I remained on the other side of the closed door for a moment, and then burst into the room. There stood my boyfriend white as a chalkboard, but alive. On mother’s bed lay a lovely white and red plaid wool dress, with a black patent leather belt off to one side. The belt had a large hole where a hole wasn’t supposed to be, and as I was to learn later a similar hole was in the spread, blanket, sheets and mattress

My mother started to laugh hysterically, as my boyfriend explained what had happened. When she went to get my dress off the closet shelf, she saw my father’s antique pistol, and asked him if had ever seen it. When he said that he hadn’t, she took the fancy little box down, opened it, and took the gun out. She evidently had it pointed at him, because he said, “Be careful, it’s loaded.”

Whereupon my mother said, “Oh no, Harry would never have a loaded gun in the house!”, and pulled the trigger to prove her point. The bullet went between his arm and his chest, through my Christmas belt, and into the bed.

There we stood, three much shaken people, aware that God had prevented a terrible accident from happening. Mother had tried to keep me from coming into the room, because she didn’t want me to see my gift, not because she had killed my boyfriend. By now she was indignant and mad at my father. It was not her nature to be at fault in any situation. Her last words after she retreated back downstairs were, “We’ll just see about this.”

Dad’s side of the story was that he had seen a “peeping Tom” looking into my sister’s and my room, and had the gun loaded to scare him off. He was very crestfallen to hear our story and apologized that he had put his family in jeopardy.

The next morning after everyone was at breakfast; I crept into my parent’s room and looked for the gun. Upon opening the box I found the gun broken down and no ammunition in sight. Never underestimate the power of an angry woman.

Heaven

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” “NO!” the children answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” By now the teacher was starting to smile – this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, they all answered, “NO!” Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: “So, how can I get into Heaven?” Five-year-old Sean shouted out, “YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD.”

                                                      Puppy Size

“We’ve been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,” the mother told the volunteer.

‘What is it she keeps asking for?’ the volunteer asked.
‘Puppy size!’ replied the mother

‘Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that’s what she’s looking for..’ ‘I know….. We have seen most of them, ‘ the mom said in frustration… 

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

‘Well, did you find one?’ asked her mom.

‘No, not this time,’ Danielle said with sadness in her voice. ‘Can we come back on the weekend?’

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.

‘You never know when we will get more dogs.. Unfortunately, there’s always a supply,’ the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find one this weekend,’ she said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. ‘It’s this weekend or we’re not looking any more,’ Dad finally said in frustration.

‘We don’t want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,’ Mom added. 

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when Visitors weren’t permitted.


Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look.. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, ‘Sorry, but you’re not the one.’

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

‘Mom, that’s it! I found the right puppy! He’s the one! I know it!’ She screamed with joy. ‘It’s the puppy size!’

‘But it’s the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,’ Mom said.

‘No not size… The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,’ she said.
‘Don’t you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!’

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

‘Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,’ she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, ‘Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!’


Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that
Makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.

They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. ‘Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take Our breath away.’
I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!

When I first met Christ
It seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride,
But it was a tandem bike,
And I noticed that Christ
Was in the back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was that
He suggested we change places,
But life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way,
It was rather boring, but predictable…
It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead,
He knew delightful long cuts,
Up mountains, and through rocky places,
At breakneck speeds,
It was all I could do to hang on!
Even though it looked like madness,

He said,

“Pedal”
I worried and was anxious and asked,
“Where are you taking me?”
He laughed and didn’t answer,
And I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life
And entered into the adventure.
And when I’d say, “I’m scared,”
He’d lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed.
Gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy.
He said, “Give the gifts away;
They’re extra baggage, too much weight.”

So I did, I gave them to the people we met,
And I found that in giving I received,
And still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, In control of my life.
I thought He’d wreck it;
But He knows bike secrets,
Knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,
Knows how to jump to clear high rocks,
Knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up
and pedal in the strangest places,
And I’m beginning to enjoy the view
And the cool breeze on my face
With my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore,
He just smiles and says…Pedal

 

Brother John entered the “Monastery of Silence” and the Abbott said,
“Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, “Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words.”

Brother John said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbot said. “We will get you a better bed.”

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. “You may say another two words, Brother John.”

“Cold food,” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”

“I quit,” said Brother John.

“It is probably best,  you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand  what we are teaching???

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was  nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,   ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died   off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,   but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more   famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on  Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your   neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:   Humor thy father and thy mother..

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and  the fence fell over on the town

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot..  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise,   but that doesn’t sound very wise to me..

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then thrown up on the shore.

There were also some minor league   prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehemin a barn.    (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even  preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and Republicans put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead ..

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..

Catholic Info

 
This information is for Catholics Only. It must not be divulged to 
non-Catholics.  The less they know about rituals and code words, the better 
off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to 
lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, 
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:  Holy Smoke!

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:  The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize 
besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have 
mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in  Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting 
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by 
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the  parking lot.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: 

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.And he, of course, is known as 'The Chip Monk'.

                      92 YEAR OLD PREACHER

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, the 92 Year Old Preacher rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak….

“When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me…
the only thing that would comfort was this verse…….. …..

“Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong…..
Yes, Jesus loves me….
The Bible tells me so.”

The old pastor stated, “I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children’s hymn ‘Jesus Loves Me’ (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best.”

“Here for you now is a Senior version of Jesus Loves Me”:

JESUS LOVES ME FOR SENIORS

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love.
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Mocksville, North Carolina. Upon entering a church in there, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Pastor, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling, replied,
“Son, you’re in Mocksville now. This is God’s country… and it’s a local call.”

John 3:16  


A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner; the people were in and out of the cold.The little boy was so cold that he wasn’t trying to sell many papers.

He walked up to a policeman and said,Mister, you wouldn’t happen to know where a poor boy could find a warm place to sleep tonight would you? You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and down the alley and its awful cold in there for tonight. Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay.”

The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, “You go down the street to that big white house and you knock on the door. When they come out the door you just say 
John 3:16 and they will let you in.”


So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the   Door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said, “John 3:16.” The lady said, “Come on in, Son.”


She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself: John  3:16  .   I don’t understand   it, but it sure makes a Cold boy warm.


Later she came back and asked him “Are you hungry ? “ 
He said, “Well, just a little.. I haven’t eaten in a couple of Days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,”


The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table   Full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn’t eat Any more.. Then he thought to himself: John !  3:16  . Boy, I sure don’t understand it but it sure makes a Hungry boy full.


She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub   Filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a While. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16   I sure don’t understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy Clean. You know, I’ve not had a bath, a real bath, in my Whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in Front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out. The lady came in and got him.. She took him to a room, Tucked him into a big old feather bed , pulled the covers   Up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out The lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the Window at the snow coming down on that cold night, He thought to himself: John 3:16 …I don’t understand it but   It sure makes a tired boy rested.


The next morning the lady came back up and took him Down again to that same big table full of food. After he Ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom  Rocker in front of the fireplace and picked up A big old Bible.


She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face. “Do you understand John    3:16  ?” she asked gently… He Replied, “No, Ma’am, I don’t.. The first time I ever heard it   
Was last night when the policeman told me to use it,” She opened Th e Bible to John  3:16  and began to explain To him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old fireplace, 
He gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there   And thought: John  3:16  — don’t understand it, but it sure Makes a lost boy feel safe.


You know, I have to confess   I don’t understand   it either, How God was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how Jesus would agree to do such a thing.   I don’t understand 
The agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as   They watched Jesus suffer and die.   I don’t understand   the intense Love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end. 
I don’t understand   it, but it sure does make life worth living..

Prayers

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island.

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island.

He considered the other man unworthy to receive blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?”

“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.”

“You are mistaken!” the voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings.”

“Tell me,” the first man asked the voice, “What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?”

“He prayed that all your prayers be answered”

Conclusion: For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us

Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentuckyback-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

” I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Isaiah 65:24 Lived out by an African Missionary Doctor
One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive; as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).

We also had no special feeding facilities.

Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in.

Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates)..

‘And it is our last hot water bottle!’ she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africait might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles.

They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

‘All right,’ I said, ‘put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm.’

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten -year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. ‘Please, God’ she prayed, ‘Send us a hot water bottle today It’ll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon.’

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, ‘And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she’ll know You really love her?’

As often with children’s prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say ‘Amen?’ I just did not believe that God could do this.

Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren’t there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in  Africa  for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home.

Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. >From the top, I lifted out brightly-colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas – that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the…could it really be?

I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.

I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could.

Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, ‘If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!’

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!

Looking up at me, she asked, ‘Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she’ll know that Jesus really loves her?’

‘Of course,’ I replied!

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God’s prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator.

And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child – five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it ‘that afternoon.’

‘Before they call, I will answer.’ (Isaiah 65:24)

                                 GLASS OF MILK   

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?”

You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”

He said … “Then I thank you from my heart.”

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many year’s later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words …

“Paid in full with one glass of milk”

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank You,
God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands.”

A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing.

Bobs wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer.

Little Barbara couldn’t understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad’s eyes and asked, “Why isn’t Mommy just like everybody else’s Mommy?” Bob’s jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears.

Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob’s life. Life always had to be different for Bob.

Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he’d rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn’s bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in theChicagoslums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn’t even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn’t buy a gift, he was determined to make one – a storybook! Bob had created a character in his own mind and told the animal’s story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling.

Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose.

Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn’t end there.

The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,_ Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.

In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn’t end there either.

Bob’s brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby andDinahShore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of “White Christmas.”

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn’t so bad In fact, being different can be a blessing.

ODE TO ATURKEY

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said
“Christmas is coming”

                               Lucky’s Toy Box

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character.

Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky’s toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky’s favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease; she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.

The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her…what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary’s dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won’t understand that I didn’t want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn’t even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.

Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn’t come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn’t understand what was wrong. She couldn’t move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!

While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. With dog love, Lucky brought all here toys from her toy box. He had covered her with his love. Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night.

It’s been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. As for Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.

The Little Boy’s Prayer

“Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.

Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re gonna be in a big mess.”

The Preacher’s Last Wish

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves … and that’s how I want to go.”

Ementary school kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. they have not been retouched or corrected(i.e.incorrect spelling has been left in.)

Noah’s wife was called Joan ofArk.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea , where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients,

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reachesCanada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Jesus enunciated a man doth not live by sweat alone.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought  with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

A Señor Moment

“$5.37.” That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug
into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?  I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”

I stared with utter disdain at the keys I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.  HappyMeal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad cameup and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother  explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, “It’s OK.  My grandfather does stuff like this all
the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing
some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to
be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

“Repaint!  Repaint!

And thin no more!”

Dear God Letters..from some very cute children

Do you like it when I pray to you? I do, too.

My Sunday School teacher says you always love me. Is that true? Even after what I did to Sara yesterday – or do you know about that? I really am sorry so I wish you would still love me.

My grandma is dying. She says you want her back with you, but I want her to stay here with me. You can have anyone you want. She’s all I have, so please let her get better and stay.

Did baby Jesus cry all the time? My new brother does, and I don’t like it. Mommy says all babies do, and I did when I was little. I’m six now. I don’t think baby Jesus ever cried. He’s your son, so you must know the answer. We have a bet on it, so please write back.

I saw a kangaroo and a buffalo today at the zoo. I like the lion best. What is your favorite? I think the ostrich is funny looking – did you do that on purpose?

My dog, Bowser is getting really old now. He gets up slowly and doesn’t keep up with me anymore when we run. Mommy says he’s going to die one day. Could you just make him a puppy again instead?

I have no best friend. Everyone at school seems to have a best friend but me. Could you send me one, please? And hurry.

I have a spelling test on Tuesday. I never get all the words right. Maybe you could help me this time. Or is that cheating?

I have a lizard named Ernie. He only has three feet ‘cuz one of them got caught in the door. I didn’t mean to do it though. Would you fix it back again?

Do you know when I’m bad or good? Or is that just Santa Claus?

Do you listen to my prayers every night? Do you really know when I only pretend to brush my teeth? Don’t tell Mommy, O.K.?

Written  ByReginaBrett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,Cleveland, Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons  life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.. My  odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once  more:”

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in  doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste  time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are  sick. Your friends and parents will.  So stay in touch.

5. Pay  off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every  argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing  than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take  it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10.  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with  your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your  children see you cry..

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You  have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship  has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change  in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a  deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t  useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really  does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy  childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When  it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an  answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy  lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22.  Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now… Don’t  wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your  happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster  with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.

26.  Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What  other people think of you is none of your business..

29.. Time heals  almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a  situation is, it will change.

31. Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who  God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

34. Don’t  audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35.. Growing old  beats the alternative — dying young.

36. Your children get only one  childhood.

37. All  that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

38. Get outside  every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere..

39. If we all threw our  problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d

grab ours  back.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you  need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get  up, dress up and show up.

43. Yield.

44. Life isn’t tied with a  bow, but it’s still a gift.

Noah’s Ark

All I really need to know about Life, I learned from Noah’s Ark:

Don’t miss the boat.

Don’t forget we’re all in the same boat.

Plan ahead-it wasn’t raining when Noah built the  ark.

Stay fit-when you’re 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really big.

Don’t listen to critics; just get on with what has to be done.

For safety’s sake travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Build your future on high ground.

Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on the same ark with the cheetahs.

When you’re stressed, float awhile.

Remember the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.
Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.
No matter what the storm, when God is with you there’s a rainbow waiting.

                                                        The Ministerial Candidate

One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an
official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He’d just witnessed the
Pastoral Relations Committee reject applicant after applicant for some minor fault — real
or imagined. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he
stood up and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.

Gentlemen:
Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.

I’m over 50 years of age and have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.

My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a great deal. The churches I have
preached in have been small, though located in several large cities.

I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns where I have preached. In
fact, some have threatened me, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at
keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have baptized.

However, if you can use me, I promise to do my best for you.

The board member turned to the committee and said, “Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?”

The good church folks were appalled! Consider a sickly, trouble-making, absent-minded ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?

The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied, “It’s signed, ‘The Apostle
Paul.'”

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, famous writer from Colombia, and Nobel Peace prize winner for literature, has retired from public life for reasons of health. He has a form of cancer which is terminal. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends and it has been circulated around the Internet.  It is recommended reading because it is moving to see how one of the best and most brilliant of writers expresses himself.

A GENIUS SAYS GOODBYE FOR GOOD

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life; I would use it to the best of my ability.

I wouldn’t possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say.

I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you”.

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry”;” forgive me”,” please” “thank you”, and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.

Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.

For you, With much love,
Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Dead Goldfish

Little Tim, the neighborhood delinquent, was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor  peered over the fence.  Interested in what the  cheeky  youngster was up to, he politely asked,
“What happening there, Tim?”  “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without
looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor felt guilty  for prejudging the child and said, “I’m really sorry, Tim.” and added, ” My
an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
“That’s because he’s inside your cat. “

Leaf

A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the very old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

 

 

Robins :Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really  hungry”, said the first one.

“Me, too” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to  the tree”, said the first one.

“Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.

“O.K.” said the first.  They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and
gobbled  them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,

“I love baskin’ robins.”

Quarter: One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
out, we stopped to chat with our friends.

My wife said “the pastor’s sermon was really bad today.”

“Boring too!” remarked one of our gathered friends.

“The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time” I
remarked.

The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted in and said
come on, Pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter.”

Twinkies and Root Beer

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy?

“He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? God’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked,” Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?”

He replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” However, before his son responded, he added,” You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”

Wedding Story ( As only a child could do…)

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.  As he was coming down
the  aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride’s side and groom’s side).  While facing the crowd, he
would  put his hands up like claws and roar…so it went, step, step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd
was  near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the front. .
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the
Ring Bear…”

Shoes

Another three year old put his shoes on by himself.  His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, “Son, your shoes are on
the wrong  feet.” He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
“Don’t  kid me, Mom, I know they’re my feet.”
Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
began  putting away the groceries.  The boy opened a box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”
Flea

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.  He read,
“The  man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city, but
his  wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to
the flea?”
Lord’s Prayer

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord’s Prayer.  She
was  reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.  She said “And
lead  us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN”
Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan,
3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother  saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  “If Jesus were sitting here,
He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake.  I can wait.'” Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

                                       Seven Wonders

It seems a group of geography students were studying the “Seven Wonders of the World.” At the end of their course, they were asked to list what they each considered to be the “Seven Wonders of the Modern World.” These were the most voted for answers:

As the teacher was going over the results, he noticed that one girl had not turned in her paper. He asked if she was having trouble with her list.
she responded, “Yes. I can’t make up my mind because there seem to be so many.”
The teacher said, “Let me help. Read what you’ve got so far.”
The girl hesitantly started to read, “I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
To Touch, To Taste, To See, To Hear,
To Run, To Laugh and To Love.

Do we take more notice of the “wonders” man has built and tend to forget about the real wonders that God has given us?
Yes, sometimes I think we do.

We need to take the time to thank Him for the pleasure in His wonderful creations.
For the delight of hearing laughter and music,
For the delight of knowing and touching others around us.
For inspiring us to reach toward new knowledge, and heightened awareness.
And for blending all of these experiences into the excitement we call life.

New FOOTPRINTS

FOOTPRINTS…A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road  together.  For much of the way, the Lord’s footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord’s, soon paralleling, His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus’ are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change.  The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually they disappear altogether. There is  only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place.   Stops.  Starts. Gashes in the sand.   A variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends. Now you pray:

‘Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits.  I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You.’

‘That is correct.’

‘And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.’

‘Very good… You have understood everything so far.’
When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.’

‘Precisely.’

‘So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.’

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

‘You didn’t know?  It was then that we danced!’
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

                                 “Turn Around

It was a stormy Texas night and I was out way too late, about 1:15 in the morning. I was driving home from my girlfriend’s house. As I blasted my radio, trying to keep awake, I noticed a black truck speeding toward me on the other side of the highway. From across the median, I could see the driver was losing control. The truck started swerving all over the road. As I began to pass it going the opposite way, it crashed violently into the median, spraying glass across my car.

The truck finally came to a stop a few yards further down the
highway. Smoke was coming from it. I drove as fast and safely as I could to the nearest exit and turned around. It must have taken me one minute, and by the time I reached the wreck and parked on the side of the road, a man and woman were already helping the truck driver. They were off-duty emergency medical service technicians (EMS) and the driver was obviously drunk. He smelled of alcohol and there were empty beer cans inside the truck. The medics began trying to wake him while I held his hand and talked to him.

We were there about five minutes, freezing and wet, when I stepped back to see the whole picture. I was shaking from the cold. It was then that I heard a voice say, “Turn around!” It was loud and eerie, in my head. As I turned, I saw a small, white Honda heading full speed towards us all – skidding across the wet road. I had less than a second to turn, yell at the others and jump out of the way. As I and the other two people were in the air, the Honda ran straight into the truck, injuring the truck driver even more, severing his leg.

The female medic and I landed on the other side of the road and barely avoided being run over by oncoming cars. The male medic hadn’t been able to jump as far and was knocked out but ended up being okay. Neither of them had heard anything, not the voice or the car. They both looked at me and said, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

People who had stopped for the first accident on the opposite side of the road swore they had not seen the out-of-control car coming and when it hit, they thought we had all been smashed. A teen who witnessed it ran over to me and said, “Dude, how did y’all move so fast?”

We were all shaking, disturbed and thankful. None of us fully
understood what had just taken place. We were all sure of one thing: Something or someone had helped us – no doubt about it!

                                 

                                     “I didn’t know how to swim”

“When I was eight years old my Dad was battling thyroid cancer. My Mom and I were in California with him, while he was being treated at the Scripps Clinic. We were all staying at a nearby hotel.

My parents were talking at an outdoor table while I played in the pool. I didn’t know how to swim, but I was hanging on to the edge and working my way around the pool, including the deep end. All of a sudden my hands hit a slippery wet spot on the edge and I fell into the water. I went straight to the bottom and no matter how hard I kicked, I could not reach the top.

I looked up and saw an arm reaching down through the water to me. I grabbed the hand and was pulled to the edge of the pool. I was coughing and trying to get the water out of my eyes. When I was able to open my eyes, there was no one there.

My Mom and Dad were still sitting and talking at the table. They had never seen me go under the water nor had they seen anyone else in the pool area.

From that day until this, I have never doubted that either God or one of his Angels saved my life that day. I think God knew it would have been too much of a burden to place on my Mom, as shortly thereafter my Father passed away. Sometimes I struggle with my basic faith but I never doubt that God exists.”

Christian Bumper stickers

Five out of five demons agree, Christ is King!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools!

I broke the rules. I prayed in school. I’m such a menace to society.

Before you go to sleep, give your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway.

April 1st: National Atheists’ Day.

If you can’t stand the heat– better make plans to avoid it.

The wages of sin is death– quit before payday!

Rapture… separation of church & state!

If you’re puzzled by life, Jesus is the missing peace!

In case of rapture… car’s yours!

Get right, or get left!

Do you follow Jesus this closely?

Choosy moms choose life

Why drink and drive, when you can pray and fly?

Make your eternal reservations now— ’smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’?

Jesus built us a bridge, with 2 boards and 3 nails.

Count your blessings! Recounts are OK—

Don’t be God’s weakest link!

Give God what’s right, not what’s left.

“Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).

Man’s way leads to a hopeless end! God’s way leads to an endless hope.

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

In the sentence of life the Devil may be a comma,but DO NOT LET him be the PERIOD.

Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit over religious nuts”.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift.

Prayer – Don’t give God instructions-just report for duty.

Walmart isn’t the only saving place.

God doesn’t want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest.

Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

A family altar can alter a family.

We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

This Church is “Prayer Conditioned”.

When God ordains, He sustains.

WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Wisdom has two parts: (1) Having a lot to say. (2) Not saying it.

Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive.

Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does.

A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

He who angers you controls you.

Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.

Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

For all you do, His blood’s for you.

Forbidden fruits creates many jams.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them.

Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Is Someone in Heaven Expecting to see you there?

Live For Jesus Now Read the Bible — It Will Scare the Hell Out of You!

God’s been patient… So Far!

Jesus is coming, and boy is he mad!

God allows “U-Turns”

We believe in UFO’s: Unity, Forgiveness and Outreach!

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

In the sentence of life the devil may be a comma, but NEVER let him be the Period.

If you can’t Sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.. Follow the Son.

Atheism is myth-understood

Faith is believing what you know ain’t so!

Adam – a rough Draft

Don’t Believe everything you think…

Support Evolution: 500 thousand Amphibians can’t be wrong.

“Do what ever he tells you to do” Mary

Experience Life At No Cost! Call 1-800-MEET-God

Friends don’t let friends miss out on Heaven!

Go to church. Avoid the Christmas rush.

Next time you think you’re perfect … try walking on water!

I was saved by Body Piercing

In Case of Rapture this car will be unoccupied

Don’t go without the flow

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

A Bible in the hand is worth two in the bookcase.

Blessed by Jesus – Spoiled by my husband.

Bring the children to me — God.

C’mon over and bring the kids — God.

CAUTION! Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning.

CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!

Christians are square… with God.

Christians aren’t perfect… just forgiven.

Darwin Is Dead Jesus Is Alive! Which One Do You Trust With Your Eternal Soul?

Did you thank God today?

Do you have any idea where you’re going?– God.

Don’t follow me, follow Jesus!

Don’t give up. Look up!

Don’t think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.

Don’t worry about tomorrow, God is already there!

Empower yourself, Lean on the Lord.

Enlighten Up!

Even Darwin KNOWS God created earth (now).

Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

Father God created Mother Earth!

For all you do, His blood’s for you!

Go to church don’t wait for the Hearse to take you.

God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!

God is. Any questions?

God loves you whether you like it or not!

God loves you! And I’m really trying.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

GOD RULES – always has. always will.

God says it, I believe it, That settles it.

God spoke, and BANG! It happened!

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore that going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Have a God day!

Have God, will travel!

Have you read my #1 best seller? There’ll be a test — God

Heaven is outa this world!

His pain, our Gain!

HWJD: How Would Jesus Drive

I’m under the influence… of God!

I don’t question your existence – GOD.

If you want to get High, try the Lord!

Interface with God: jesus@heaven.net.

Laughter is God’s Sunshine!

Open your Heart, open your Mind, open your Bible!

The Pear Tree

There was a man who had four sons.

He wanted his sons to learn not to Judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away

The first son went in the Winter, the second in the Spring, the third in Summer and the fourth son in the Fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted. The second son said, no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful; it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree’s life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all seasons are up.

If you give up when it’s Winter, you will miss the promise of your Spring, the beauty of your Summer and the fulfillment of your Fall.

Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Live simply, Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrows keep you human and failures keep you humble.

Success keeps you glowing.

But only God keeps you going.

A Tribute To My Mother On Mothers Day,(I actually wrote this one)

(I hope Mark doesn’t laugh at this like I did this like I did at his Block of wood/Recipe Holder)

  • Although we have no voice in who our earthly parents will be, God does. Before the foundations of the world He knew me and knit me in my mother’s womb.
  • God knew that I would need a mom of great faith for I was faithless.
  • God knew it would take 36 years of prayers to bring me to faith and he knew she would pray them.
  • God knew that I would need a mom of encouragement for he knew I would be fearful.
  • God knew I would be teased, picked on and bullied that I needed a mom in my corner that could send me out fighting and she did just that.
  • God knew I would need a mom who could teach me to use my gift of Public Speaking, and teach me she did by working with me on my speech to run for class president of Perry Junior High in 7th grade. (I lost, but so didLincolnto Webster) and went on to many, many opportunities to share My Heavenly Father in Public.
  • God knew I would need a mom with a medical gift for I would have many illnesses. My mom the Nurse
  • a coincidence??????
  • God knew I would love the outdoors. So he gave me a mom who wasn’t afraid of snakes or turtles or whatever I brought home with me.
  • God knew I would have trouble in school so he gave me a mom who didn’t give up easy.
  • God knew that it would be hard to find clothes for someone 6’ 5” 140lbs. He gave me a mom that would search every store in town to find just the right size. (In some cases bright yellow corduroys).
  • God knew that my own family would suffer with many emotional hurts and He gave me a mom who had a deep understanding and personal victory in that battle.
  • God knew I would need complete unconditional Love in this world that I might understand better His. In 54years I never doubted for one second that my mom Loved me with all her heart.
  • He also knew I would need to express myself in writing and I can’t spell or punctuate or use grammar so he gave me a mom who can read this over and fix it…..
  • Happy Mothers Day…Love Robby

My grandma’s old cookbook is aged and forlorn.
The pages are grease stained, each faded and worn.
The spine is collapsed and the cover’s askew,
revealing, in no way, what this book could do.

A barrel of cookies, sweet, fresh lemonade,
roasts, casseroles, salads this ancient book made.
It brought love and caring to both young and old,
delivering happiness not bought or sold.

It’s owner and user breathed life to this book,
by sharing herself with each recipe cooked.
True gifts from her heart were delivered with love,
presented on earth for her Father above.
Her gentle, sweet kindness was blended with care.
A silent reminder that she had been there
to welcome your newborn…to ease every ill…
true unselfish gestures of love and goodwill.

So don’t be deceived by the physical book,
but rather… rejoice in the wonderful cook.
Just cherish and honor each frayed, weathered page,
for pure, loving kindness has brought forth its age.

By Jane- Ann Heitmueller

Cleaning Up

I sputtered in frustration.  “This makes me so mad!” There was an open jar of peanut butter, a gooey knife on a sticky counter, crumbs and a milk-rimmed glass on the kitchen table.  Pity the woman who marries this messy son of mine!

Because my husband was away on a business trip, I had been almost salivating on the way home from work, looking forward to a weekend of solitude in my clean, recently emptied nest.  My husband enjoyed having our son use our house as a pit stop, but it had obviously gotten on my nerves big time.

Appalled at the actual taste of bile in my mouth on seeing the unexpected kitchen mess, I realized I had to do something about my ongoing irritation with our twenty-year-old son.  I was turning sour.  He had recently moved into his own place.  Since he didn’t sleep at our house, he felt quite independent.  He saw no need to help out, or clean up after himself, but liked to hang out at our house where there was a refrigerator that had food in it.

This is just like when he . . . (blah, blah, blah) . . . I rehearsed, even though I knew the mess in the kitchen was all out of proportion in my mind, being linked to his history of offenses. The silently swallowed irritations were fermenting and if I didn’t find a release one way or another, I was afraid I’d explode.  There would have to be a confrontation. I hate confrontation, but I also hated what was happening inside me.

So I planned to make a list of the complaints I had against him, to explain these were things that drove a woman crazy; that he needed to know this if he was ever going to be a good husband.  I then visualized that he would apologize. I would forgive him.  My anger would be gone.  It seemed like a reasonable plan.  I made my list: seven years of suppressed frustration – I thought of thirty-six complaints.

For a physical release of my tension, I went on a long walk; list in hand, my feet pounding out a prayer for God’s help in the upcoming confrontation with my son.

Tiring, I slowed down my frustrated striding in order to tune in to a familiar, still, small voice.  And suddenly I had a quite different confrontation.

I WANT YOU TO FORGIVE HIM FOR EVERY OFFENSE.  Oh Lord, I will as soon as he understands what he’s done that is so offensive.

I WANT Y0U TO FORGIVE HIM RIGHT NOW AND TEAR UP THE LIST. But, but Lord, I mentally sputtered, I can’t do that yet because then he will never know what he’s doing wrong.

THAT’S BETWEEN HIM AND ME.  THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

I can’t, I groaned, my heart and feet heavy with weariness from carrying a full load of bitterness.  Traffic roared in the distance, but in my head was the roar of a lion, trying to drown the still, small, but commanding voice.  How could I just let go of the multitude of past offenses and future expectations?  Help me, Lord, I don’t know how to get rid of them.

GIVE THEM TO ME.  Even without his knowing how much I’m forgiving?  YES, GIVE THEM TO ME.  So, reluctantly, slowly, but obediently, I tore the list into shreds.  Immediately, the roar was like a flood wiping my son’s slate clean, washing from my memory all but the one small kitchen mess.  I felt like I’d lost a literal twenty-pound burden that I had allowed to pile up during my son’s teenage years.  I almost floated home.

I did a lot of pruning of shrubbery that weekend.  There was much that needed to be dumped.  However, I had no way of hauling it away, so I piled it in the front yard.

My son dropped by later that weekend and I was secretly pleased at not feeling irritated, and instead, actually glad to see him. But I was dumbstruck with awe, when he said, “I see you’ve been cleaning up the yard.  I’ll take that stuff to the dump for you tomorrow, if you want.”

“Why, thank you!” I said.  “That would be a great help.”
Little did he know how great was that help in affirming that my struggle was not with him.  Looking back, I realize my irritability truly is between God and me.  God continually uses my irritability to make me more dependent on Him.  It seems we are never quite independent.  God removed the bitterness towards my son, but there will always be irritants in my life.  However, God says His power is best seen in our weakness.  So, since I can’t get rid of irritation, I’m depending on God to do the dumping, not my son.

Incidentally, ten years later, my beautiful daughter-in-law told me, without my asking, that my son is a very thoughtful, considerate, responsible husband.  by Linda Lawrence

                 I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So, you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time,” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity; what questions do you have in mind to ask
me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered: “That they get bored with childhood — they rush to grow up and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to
restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present,
such that they live neither the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”

God’s hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked…
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to
learn?”

God replied with a smile: “To learn that they cannot make anyone love
them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
To learn that a rich person is not the one who has t