For many years I have done a devotional at an assisted living facility in Mocksville. When I first started a friend shared that the residents love it when you give them something to hold onto after you leave. Thus I began writing down the jokes and cute stories I would open the devotion with and printing them for the residents. To say they were a big hit would be an understatement, I became known as “The man with the Papers”.
Over the years I have collected quite a few and thought that they would be a cool resource for someone who wants to do a devotional somewhere.
So here is my collection in progress, yes they are all plagiarized and taken from other devotional sites, emails and anything else I came across.. The good news is they are edited for devotional use and words changed to not offend if possible…
- Why did the lemon hide when the bully came? Because he was yellow!
- Why did the lemon cross the road? He wanted to play squash!
- Why did the lemon stop halfway across the road? He ran out of juice!
- Why did the lemon go to the doctor? His stomach was sour!
- What do you give an injured lemon? Lemon-aid!
- What kind of shoes are made from banana peels? Slippers!
- Why did the pineapple go out with a prune? Because he couldn’t find a date!
- What did the mama melon say to the baby melon’s boyfriend? You cant-eloupe!
- What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine!
- Why were the apple and the orange all alone? Because the banana split!
- What do you use to open a banana? A monkey!
- How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
- Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling very well!
- What is a ghost’s favorite fruit? A boo-nana!
- What should you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up!
- What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- Why didn’t Indians scalp redheads? They knew better.
- Why are there so few good brunette jokes? Because blondes would have to think them up.
- Why did the physicist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
- What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Riding The Rails
Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, “Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!”
At that Chet slurs back, “Well, it ain’t the stairs that’re botherin’ me so much as these stink’in low handrails.”
Redneck Pickup Line
Fat Penguin… Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
It’s How You See It
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He had a sign which read: “I am blind. Please Help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
When a man came walking by, he took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. Then he took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words on the back. He put the sign where it was, so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.
That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were going. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”
The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way. I wrote: ‘Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it.'”
Both signs told people the same thing… that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were extremely fortunate that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
Moral of the Story:
Be thankful for what you have.
Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.
When life gives you a reason to cry, show life that you have 100 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Keep the faith and drop the fear… just remember God is Near!