If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson,Â 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
REAL DMV Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
You’ve Got No Ears!
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”
The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.
As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”
“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”
The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”
“What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”
THE MAN AND THE BIRDS
Now the man to whom I’m going to introduce you was not a scrooge. He was a kind, decent, mostly good man, generous to his family and upright in his dealings with other men. But he just didn’t believe all that incarnation stuff which the churches proclaim at Christmas time. It just didn’t make sense, and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just couldn’t swallow the Jesus story, about God coming to earth as a man.
“I’m truly sorry to distress you,” he told his wife, “but I’m not going with you to church this Christmas Eve.” He said he’d feel like a hypocrite and that he’d much rather just stay at home, but that he would wait up for them. And so he stayed, and they went to the midnight service.
Shortly after the family drove away in the car, snow began to fall. He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier and then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper. Minutes later, he was startled by a thudding sound. Then another, and then another. Sort of a thump or a thud. At first he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window.
But when he went to the front door to investigate, he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They’d been caught in the storm and, in a desperate search for shelter, had tried to fly through his large landscape window. Well, he couldn’t let the poor creatures lie there and freeze, so he remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony. That would provide a warm shelter, if he could direct the birds to it.
Quickly he put on a coat and galoshes and tramped through the deepening snow to the barn. He opened the doors wide and turned on a light, but the birds did not come in. He figured food would entice them in. So he hurried back to the house, fetched bread crumbs and sprinkled them on the snow, making a trail to the yellow-lighted, wide-open doorway of the stable. But to his dismay, the birds ignored the bread crumbs and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow.
He tried catching them. He tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms. Instead, they scattered in every direction, except into the warm, lighted barn. And then, he realized that they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a strange and terrifying creature. If only I could think of someway to let them know that they can trust me – that I am not trying to hurt them, but to help them. But how, because any move he made tended to frighten and confuse them. They just would not follow. They would not be led or shooed because they feared him.
“If only I could be a bird,” he thought to himself, “and mingle with them and speak their language. Then I could tell them not to be afraid. Then I could show them the way to the safe, warm . . . . . . . . . to the safe, warm barn. But I would have to be one of them so they could see, and hear and understand.”
At that moment, the church bells began to ring. The sound reached his ears above the sounds of the wind. And he stood there listening to the bells – listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. And he sank to his knees in the snow.
– WRITTEN BY PAUL HARVEY –