“There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.”
“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.” (Jackie Mason)
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)
“Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
“Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.”
“If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.”
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings, $200, has been stolen. She will be cold & hungry this Easter without divine intervention.
He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it:
Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at the Post Office.”
The Perfect Man
The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
“I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business,'” declared the first man.
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man.'”
Turning to the third gent, he asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“Me?” the third one replied. “I want them to say, ‘He certainly looks good for his age.'”
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
By The Numbers
Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
Parable of the Spoons
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. “The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.