A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, “Dad, how high can you count?”
The father replied, “Well, I don’t know, son — how high can you count?”
The son immediately replied, “One thousand, five hundred, forty-two.”
The father said, “Why did you stop?”
The son shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, church was over.”
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes, sir, that’s because it was only ground this morning.
A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.
The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.
The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.
The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”
The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.
The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn’t have enough ice in it.
Under A Spell
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
The Origin of Pets
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me.”
And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”
And the Lord said, “I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
– An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
– Marriage brings music to a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.
– Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
– A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
– Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
– The argument you just won with your wife isn’t over yet.
– Before criticizing your wife’s faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!
– With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
– Too many little Digs sends a marriage to an early Grave.
– Some men view marriage as a matter of wife and debt
Can Anybody See God?
— Author Unknown
A small boy once approached his slightly older sister with a question about God.
“Susie, can anybody ever really see God?” he asked. Busy with other things, Susie curtly replied: “No, of course not, silly. God is so far up in heaven that nobody can see him.”
Time passed, but his question still lingered, so he approached his mother: “Mom, can anybody ever really see God?” “No, not really,” she gently said. “God is a spirit and he dwells in our hearts, but we can never really see him.”
Somewhat satisfied but still wondering, the youngster went on his way. Not long afterwards, his saintly old grandfather took the little boy on a fishing trip. They were having a great time together — it had been an ideal day. The sun was beginning to set with unusual splendor as the day ended.
The old man stopped fishing and turned his full attention to the exquisite beauty unfolding before him. On seeing the face of his grandfather reflecting such deep peace and contentment as he gazed into the magnificent ever-changing sunset, the little boy thought for a moment and finally spoke hesitatingly: “Granddad, I – I wasn’t going to ask anybody else, but I wonder if you can tell me the answer to something I’ve been wondering about a long time. Can anybody, can anybody ever really see God?”
The old man did not even turn his head. A long moment slipped by before he finally answered. “Son,” he quietly said. “It’s getting so I can’t see anything else.”
“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.”
— Psalm 19:1-4