Don’t Be the Squeaky Wheel
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered.
“When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
– When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
– Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
– Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
– It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
– Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
– Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t, why you should.
– Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn’t have children and your father didn’t have children, you won’t have children too.
Q: What clothes does a house wear?
Q: Why couldn’t the orange cross the street?
A: It ran out of juice!
Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
A: A dirty double crosser!
Q: What do you call a cow that has had a baby?
Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot?
A: A walkie talkie!
What Do They Do That For?
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”
The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of… an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”
How Many Women Can A Man Marry?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
Q: What do the letters D.A.M. stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
What’s Wrong With Me?
A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”
As I faced my Maker at last judgement, I knelt before the Lord along with the other souls . Before each of us laid our lives, like the squares of a quilt. An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and all the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of the truth …The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.
My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and death, and false accusations that took from me my world as I knew it.
I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I had spent many lonely nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully: each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgemental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it had been…I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with eyes opened wide.
Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, The Face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with love and warmth in his eyes. He said: “Every time you gave over your life to me, it became my life, my hardships, and my struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let me shine thru, until there was more of me than there was of you.” – AUTHOR UNKNOWN –