1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it!
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don’t take life too seriously — no one gets out alive.
5. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
6. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
7. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it.
10. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
11. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
12. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
13. Ham and eggs — a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Kids Say the Funniest Things
Question: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10
Question: WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6
Question: HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
Question: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8
Question: WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
Question: WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9
Question: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
Question: IS IS BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9
Question: HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kevin, age 8
Question: HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10
Mary Poppins Syndrome
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Gold Wrapping Paper
A mother punished her five year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, ‘This is for you, Momma.’
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. ‘Don’t you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there’s supposed to be something inside the package?’
She had tears in her eyes and said, ‘Oh, Momma, it’s not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full. The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her
little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.
Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends… There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.