Missing Chicago

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida, the other day, and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, “I miss Chicago.”

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!



Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil: What channel is it on?


Halloween Q and A

Q: What do you call a skeleton who won’t work?

A: Lazy Bones!


Q: What is the problem with two twin witches?

A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: Where did the ghosts go for vacation?

A: Mali-BOO.


Q: What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?

A: He got ticks!
Q: Why are graveyards so noisy?

A: Because of all the coffin!
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night?

A: Tweets.
Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A: They have bat breath.


Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?

A: Coffin drops!


Q: What kind of car does a ghost drive?

A: A Boo-ick.


Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

A: Boo-Jeans.
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

A: Because they have a lot of spirit.


Giving Him the Devil

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m the Devil!” she responded.

“That’s Voice, That voice” He said, “Oh, I’m married to your sister!”
Italian Trick or Treat

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back four more times tonight too.”


Life In A Manure Pile
By Marsha Jordan
There was a time when my husband aspired to be a self-sufficient, back-to-the-land pioneer. He bought a windmill, some oil lamps, beehives, and a couple of pigs, which our son named Lois Lane and Clark Kent.
This dirty duo caused me many headaches, from the day we took them home. Although tied in gunny sacks and secured in the back of our pickup truck, the Houdini hoglets managed to free themselves , leap from the truck, and head for the hills. We eventually got the slippery little buggers safely home, but only after a rough and tumble scramble through the woods.
Lois and Clark were adventurous piglets who soon learned to scale their little pig house and jump off the roof to freedom outside the fence. Motorists on the busy highway near our home frequently reported seeing “two wild pigs” darting between cars. And more than once, I received angry phone calls from neighbors who found the pair digging up their flower beds.
I was usually the only one home when the pigs went exploring, so the job of luring them home fell to yours truly. How does one convince two full grown hogs to follow you? It requires a slop bucket full of cottage cheese, apple peels, and other goodies.
Once I had to trudge through waist-high snow, leaving a trail behind me of table scraps. By this time, L and C had become man eaters, so they followed close behind chomping at my heels.
Yes, pigs BITE – at least Lois and Clark did. And once they tasted blood, they preferred it to their usual diet.
That diet consisted of truckloads of stale bakery bread , sour milk from the dairy, and scraps from local restaurants. Keeping the pair of porkers fed was a big job. Lois and Clark ate a lot – and you can imagine what else they did – a LOT. The manure pile grew into a mountain which remained in the field long after Lois and Clark were transformed to bacon and pork chops and laid to rest in our freezer.
The following summer, I planted a huge garden. I lovingly weeded it, fertilized it, and tended it daily only to discover at the end of the season that my prized vegetables were dwarfed in comparison to the huge tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash that had sprung up from the manure pile.
Why am I telling you more than you cared to know about pigs and manure? Because there is something to be learned here (God has lessons for us everywhere, if we are willing to see them).
Most folks have felt the pain of seeing their hopes shattered and dreams destroyed. We all have felt at times like life is one big dung heap and we’re living smack dab in the middle of a mountain of manure!
The Bible says that God can produce beauty from ashes. He can take the smelly, disgusting pile of manure that our lives can sometimes be – and He can grow some prize-winning, life-giving fruit (and veggies) from what looks to us like garbage.
So there is hope – even atop the manure pile. Just as the garbage in a compost heap makes a garden grow, the garbage in our lives can bring forth good things too that help us to grow.
We may wonder why God allows the manure to pile up in our lives, but I’m sure it’s no accident or surprise to Him. The good news is that we don’t have to climb that manure mountain alone. Trouble comes into every life, but we have a source of strength to uphold and guide us; and we have hope, the essential ingredient for making it through the dung heap.
So grab a shovel and start digging. There’s a harvest on the other side.