“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms.”
Palls Hit The Wall
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan and open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch the wall!”
Armed and Dangerous
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Could you check it out please?” the man pleaded.
The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly heard the arm talk. “Hello, doctor. Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” the arm said.
The doctor said, “Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
The Kind Lawyer (Could it be True?)
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem; the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb — hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs — standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name.
“Call me Tex!” was the cowboy’s reply.
“Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?” the policeman asked.
“Nah, I’m from Louisiana, but I couldn’t very well have you call me Louise!”
Wheelbarrow of Laughs
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”
My brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents’ home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
Dad hung up. “The prodigal son is returning!” he called to my mother. “Kill the fatted zucchini!”
School Burn Out
A seven year-old comes to class one morning after being absent the day before. His teacher asked, “Why weren’t you at school yesterday?”
“Well, my Granddad got burnt,” he explains.
“Oh dear. He wasn’t too badly hurt was he?” the teacher replies.
“Oh yes, they don’t mess around at those crematoriums!”
Contractions Speak Louder Than Words
A man shouted frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” The doctor asked.
“No, are you crazy!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
Life Comes Through The True Love Of A Beautiful Woman
By Robby Dilmore
The last months of my previous marriage were immensely painful. My previous wife had relapsed into a horrible schizophrenic episode, attempted suicide and then became institutionalized for what I now know would be the rest of her life. After about a year she reportedly had an affair. At that point I honestly couldn’t take it any more and decided to divorce her.
I told my family and friends that I was divorcing my wife, and one of which was Vic Hill who I had helped get his job at Eagle Pontiac in Raleigh. About a month or two later Vic called me and told me about a girl that was working there selling cars. He told me Robby, you have got to take this girl out, Tammy Holt, she is a little fireball, cute, funny and full of life, and buddy you need some life, you have been in a war for years and you deserve some life. Dating seemed more than a strange, foreign concept at this stage in my world but I was terribly lonely. “If you say so Vic, set it up.” I told him and he did.
September 5th 1987 a blind date, I was to pick Tammy up and meet Vic and his wife Edith at the Comedy Club in Raleigh. When I got to her apartment I knocked on the door and a ferocious dog bark made me think she had a Doberman. She answered the door standing on a stool with a dachshund named Fred barking up at me, a sight I certainly will never forget, followed by her infectious laugh. She went on to tell me that Vic had warned her that I was 6’5” tall and Tammy being only 5 feet tall that she would need a stool to look me in the eye. Oh, but what a five feet she is to behold, blonde hair green eyes so full of life like no one I have ever met. Perhaps this isn’t the forum to share this but a figure that wouldn’t quick to go along with all that. She was very young as well only 24 when I met her and I was 31.
Off we went on the date to end all dates, laugh, cry, talk, we connected on all sorts of levels. I love to eat meat so when Tammy ordered a steak medium rare, I thought to my self, ‘How cool, this girl will never have me eating tofu’. She too had been married before and was recently divorced. That night I knew, yes I knew I was in love I mean head over heels, constant smile on your face you can’t wipe off in love.
After that night we could not be apart we would talk on the phone for hours when we were apart and almost every day I would drive from Greensboro to Cary about an hour and a half to see her. We would eat Mexican food at Chi Chi’s, being from Texas she loves Mexican food. We went to the beach we sailed on our Sailboat. At the time she had left Eagle Pontiac and was in training at Piedmont Airlines to be a flight attendant. So just forty days after we met while she was in Charlotte, NC in training, I bought an engagement ring with her birth stone, ‘rubies’ and Diamonds and took her to The First Union Plaza Restaurant on the 32nd floor and asked her to marry me. She said “YES!” and she went about sharing her life with me, in a way I could have never dreamed would be way more than I had any idea life could abound with.
She moved to Greensboro by that January as I had talked her out of being a flight attendant to be a ticket agent at the Winston Salem Airport. She then insisted we go to church. Tammy has a faith that always amazed me, simple and complete. She just believes; her testimony itself is more than a miracle.
Her family was far from Christian both her parents struggling with alcohol her father quite abusive at times, literally generations of bad, bad choices, people in and out of prison and some horrible wounds and bitterness apparent in her extended family as well. Yet when Tammy was seven years old her father stricken will lung cancer quickly died shortly before her eighth birthday. As a result a neighbor man truly saved her life and took the 8year old Tammy to church where she heard the gospel and believed. She continued going to church by herself even when her mother resented it later on and mocked her for it. She had believed, simply believed ever since.
Still wanting God in her life, she now insisted that her husband to be go to church. What? Go to church on my one day off and spoil half the day were my thoughts, but I loved this girl like walking on air and I was persuaded.
We started looking at Churches in Greensboro and we picked First Presbyterian simply because of its exterior beauty. That first Sunday the pastor shocked me as his sermon was on prayer, he started off, “Why do people think prayer has to do with telling God things, If God really is God He already knows everything and anything you might tell him.” His Name was Dr. Readhead, and I didn’t know it at the time but he was filling in as the pastor emeritus and they were in search of a new pastor. Dr. Redhead, God and Tammy really had something for me that day. That day I learned a prayer where I could actually hear God, a concept I would have never dreamed of. I didn’t yet know what God had done for me nor have any concept of the Bible, nor would I for another three years but that day I was given a gift beyond measure… I now believe it this way: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish you feed him for a life time…More importantly; tell someone you heard from God and you encourage him for a moment; teach a man how to hear from God and you encourage him for eternity. Little did I know that the exterior beauty of that church would lead us to such a Godly man as Dr. Redhead; here is an excerpt about him in the Greensboro Daily Photo.
“Dr. John Agrippa Redhead, Jr. was minister of the First Presbyterian Church of Greensboro for twenty-five years, from 1945- 1970. He was not only well known locally, but also nationally and internationally through his radio broadcasts via the Protestant Radio Network and the Armed Forces Radio. Dr. Redhead carefully crafted every sermon that he preached. His detailed preparation consisted of: reading, organizing, writing, and ‘absorbing the ceremony for delivery.’* He learned his sermons to the extent that he did not need to carry manuscripts or notes to the pulpit. He felt those papers would distance him from his congregation and diminish the impact of his delivery. He is quoted as saying, “paper is said to be a poor conductor of heat.”** His sermons were broadcast live on the radio and he was highly sought after for his powerful and impeccable locution.”
Dr. Redhead went on to teach us what I now call the Phi Slama Jama Cat’s Pajama Prayer. He had us sit back in the pew, feel our feet and toes, and let go and let go and let God. Then we were to feel our legs, feel our backs resting against the pew and let go and let go and let God. This exercise continued down your arms and up your neck to the top of your head, and let go and let go and let God. All this was an effort to relax so we could accept and hear God’s voice. Then Dr. Redhead said for us to envision a peaceful place like a quiet stream or a mountain glade. Then we were to place ourselves there, listen to the brook, smell the trees and let go and let go and let God. A few moments later Dr. Redhead sent us to another place that we had in our memory. Then we were to go to a third place where we were to smell, hear and imagine our surroundings. Again we were to let go and let go and let God. Next Dr Redhead said to picture Jesus Christ coming down the aisle and sitting down next to you. Finally he said, “NOW, LISTEN!”
That sermon sunk in some place deep I didn’t even try the prayer for more than a year, but God had come after me. God knew the joy the life that would come as a result of this understanding and faith.
As I reflect back on all this now I can see clearly that Tammy loved me as no had ever loved me, she shared her life in Christ with me and that life is an abundant life an abundance I could never have dreamed of. Although it would take years before I could love Tammy back in the way she loved me as without Jesus there is no real understanding of love. Today we share an incredible love. As I am writing this it is October 15th, 2014 our 26th anniversary, we were married exactly one year after our engagement. The best way I know to explain how I feel I wrote to her this morning in her anniversary card.
“Oh that my words could somehow express the inexpressible; the joy, the peace, the feeling of arriving at a place that exceeds even my heart’s dreams of intimacy and love. A place so safe where I can be myself at all levels and know completely that I am loved with a true love a self sacrificing all encompassing love, a love that wants me to have my hearts desire and know that is in unison your hearts desire.
I would say now that Jesus knew the way to my heart and it was through the love of a beautiful woman.