A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL – 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”
HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”
All I Needed My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS….
“I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the entry.”
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
And my all time favorite thing — JUSTICE…
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU… then you’ll see what it’s like.”
EXTRA SENSORY WIFE ESW
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I’m tired of looking for her!”
Q and A
Q: What rock group has four men who don’t sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.
Q: Why didn’t the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A: He was shellfish.
Q: Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
A: Two hundred soles were lost.
Q: Why did the skeleton play the piano?
A: Because he didn’t have any organs!
The God Bless You Speech
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would not pray during the commencements; not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling.
They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine; until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech — a resounding sneeze! The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and in unison they said, “God bless you.”
The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God’s blessing on their future — with or without the court’s approval.