After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.”
The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.
“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”
The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
Spreading it on a Little Thick
There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist. “Everything is coming up roses!” he would say. The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy’s Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins’ personalities. “On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of manure.” The parents followed
these instructions and carefully observed the results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining, “I don’t like the color of this computer… I’ll bet this calculator will break… I don’t like the game… I know someone who’s got a bigger toy car than this…”
Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was giggling. “You can’t fool me! Where there’s this much manure, there’s gotta be a pony!”
The Positive Side +
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no
Fear is a little dark room where negatives are developed
Mr. Humphrey Has A Bad Day
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Si, that’s the one.”
“Darn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat.”
“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky.”
“Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?”
“How did he die?”
“He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire.”
“WHAT! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What!!! But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral.”
“FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!”
“Your mother’s. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re fired!”
Naming A Race Horse
Why should you never name a Race Horse Lazarus? ……Jesus Said, “Lazarus come 4th…
Why go to Church?
A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. “I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”
This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
“I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this… They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”
I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with strong antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant.
Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn’t think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.
While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: *If you will give us a son, we’ll name him Timothy and we’ll make him a preacher.*
Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam’s youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father’s ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam’s son is Tim Tebow.
The University of Florida’s star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football’s highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called “The Mile-High Messiah.”