We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):
- Drinkand Dr.
- Vicious Circle
- Psycho Path
- Peoples Ct.
- No Way
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
More New Words
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
- Red Sky at morning sailor take warning; Blue sky at night, Day
- Bifocals are God’s way of saying keep your chin up
- Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does
- So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
- Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin.
She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, “You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber’s doctor took out her independence and she’s still living.”
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.
I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn’t read and they used that.
Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, “Well, it says so on the sign, doesn’t it?”
My first sin was done in the House of God…
I remember as far back as five years old. I was going to church with my grandmother, doing church plays and stealing Kool-Aid out of the church kitchen. My first sin was done in the House of God.
As I sit here in prison thinking about it, God had a calling on my life. My great-grandfather was a powerful preacher. He and my grandmother were planting spiritual seeds in my life.
I’ve been in so much trouble fighting, stealing, and lying that I kept running from God like Jonah. In 1986, on September 3rd, I was out doing wrong to myself and others. I should have been at home getting ready for school. I took it upon myself to go out and steal a couple of cars.
Before I get started with that, let me tell you how I learned about stealing cars. My son’s uncle took me out with him one night when I was sixteen years old. He asked me if I wanted to make some fast money. I said, “Yes.” He took me on the other side of town. First, we started off taking three wheelers and motorbikes. Then, we started going into people’s houses, taking food and anything else. Sometimes the people would be at home asleep while we were cooking something to eat and watching TV.
In the midst of my sin, God still kept His mighty hand on me. One night, we went back to a house we had robbed before. Instead of going into the house, this time we went into the garage. There were three safes. One had pennies, the second had silver, and the third one had bills in it. My son’s uncle said he wanted all three, so we took the heaviest ones first. On our way out, the garage door slammed closed, so we took the pennies down the hill in back of the house. My son’s uncle went back inside. I stayed outside. Something told me to look over at the kitchen window. I saw the curtain move and then saw yellow and blue flames. I used to keep my hat pulled down on top of my head, but I realized I didn’t have it on. After seeing the flame, I saw my hat stuck to the garage door. I took off, leaving my son’s uncle inside of the garage. Little did I know, he was already out and down the road. There was a hole in the garage. We called for each other and looked for bullet holes.
He showed me how to steal a car that night. His words were, “I’m showing you this so that you will always be able to get where you need to be if you are ever lost.”
Now back to where I left off at … I was too busy trying to show off since I knew how to steal cars, etc. It was 9:45 p.m. when I left the house. I saw a car with its windows down. Inside was a purse in the driver’s seat. I grabbed it and ran. Inside were a few dollars and some food stamps. I made my way down to the night club. After stealing a car, I drove to the other side of town where my son’s mother lived. After spending some time with her, I hooked up with her cousin to go steal another car. My son’s mother kept asking me to stay with her, but the streets were calling me.
It was Bingo night, and the parking lot was full of cars. I made my move. After taking off, I went back to pick up my cousin and a friend. At this time, it was around 2:45 a.m. We went to make some money with stolen car parts. At the same time, there was a younger man that just left the bar. He was drunk as can be, flying down the street with his headlights off. When we met in the middle, he was going about 75 to 80 mph. I was T-boned on the driver’s side. I ended up out of the car and under the vehicle of the drunk driver. The car came to a rolling stop with me under it. Nobody knew where I was including the EMS, Police, and Fire Department. They kept looking. Eventually, the cousin saw my leg sticking out from under the car. A fireman jacked the car up. I came to and asked him to please get me from under the car. He told me that he couldn’t because my neck or my back could be broken. I asked him to come closer until he was within arm’s reach. I then grabbed his leg and pulled myself. At the same time, the jack began to slide. The car fell down as soon as I was out from under it.
I was placed in the ambulance, and on my way to the hospital they tried to straighten my leg out. It was broken at the thigh. I was told my feet were pointing at my head.
I put on 75 pounds of poison fluid and my mother didn’t know who I was. My head was like a medicine ball, and my eyes were deep inside my head. My mother was arguing with everybody at the hospital, telling them that it was not me. She argued with them to the point where she told them to uncover my left leg so she could see my birth mark. The doctor had to put a tube in my side to help drain the fluid off my lungs. A titanium rod was placed down the middle of my thigh from my hip down to the knee cap. They had to remove the muscle from my upper right shoulder. I had over 12 surgeries, skin graphs, and had to learn how to walk all over again.
On September 21, 1986 at 3:00 a.m. in the morning, the man next to me, who had 80-90 percent of his body burned, died. So much happened this day that a nurse named Tim came to me as one of God’s angels. He never gave up on me and kept pushing me until I learned to walk again. To this day, I can’t find him.
There was a little 5 year old girl that came into the hospital. She had pulled hot milk down off the stove, and it dumped on her head, shoulder, and arm. I remember it so clearly. My family was not coming to see me, and my baby sister visited me more than anybody. I was very hurt, lonely, and in need. God saw what I was going through.
Out of nowhere, I heard a baby crying at the top of her lungs. I was being drawn to her. This went on for a few days. One morning I heard her crying again. I got up and went to her. I said, “Hey, what’s wrong?” She looked at me and held her arms out, as if asking me to help take her pain away. She was in a metal cage-like bed. From the time she got up until she went to sleep, I was there for her. This was how God took care of my own problems, by helping me learn to
be there for somebody else.
One morning when I didn’t get up, she cried. Neither the nurse nor the doctor was able to get her to stop. They came and got me. The nurse told me I needed to get up because my step daughter wouldn’t stop crying.
Each day, we are given a new test to pass. Every test will help us with our problems, only if you put God first. I am sitting in prison with 65 years. Only by the grace of my God and my Lord Jesus Christ am I able to give all this time back. As I stated before, I ran like Jonah for too long. God’s plan for my life has taken hold of me. I’ve been anointed and called to be
a minister for God. No more running; I surrender all of me.
The question I want to ask you is how long will it take you? I do pray that your eyes will be opened sooner rather than later. Please keep God first.
— Kool-Aid Guy