Chairman of the Bored
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.
Let’s Face It
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: To keep the refrigerator cold.
Married…with Children
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
Counting the Cost
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing, “That’s horrible! So many men dying that way!”
Confused the husband replies “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”
After a few minutes, still sobbing, she says, “So how many is a Brazilian?”
Q: What do you call a bee born in between April 30 and June 1?
A: A maybe.
Q: Know what Paul Revere said at the end of his famous ride?
A: WHOA!
Arrested Development
NEW YORK – A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Ashcroft said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle.’
Update : ‘When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
Which One
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a about 4’8” tall
He looked up at me and said, ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?
A: The mathemortician.
Go Figure
Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!
Can you answer all seven of the following question with the same word?
- The word has seven letters….
- Preceded God…
- Greater than God…
- More Evil than the devil…
- All poor people have it…
- Wealthy people need it….
- If you eat it, you will eventually die.
Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the answer
Did you get it yet?
Give up?
Brace yourself for the answer….
The Answer is: NOTHING!
- NOTHING has 7 letters.
- NOTHING preceded God.
- NOTHING is greater than God.
- NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
- All poor people have NOTHING.
- Wealthy people need NOTHING.
- If you eat NOTHING, you will die..
SHMILY
My grandparents were married for over half a century,and played their own special game from the time they had met each other. The goal of their game was to write the word “shmily” in a surprise place for the other to find. They took turns leaving “shmily” around the house, and as soon as one of them discovered it,It was their turn to hide it once more.
They dragged “shmily” with their fingers through the sugar and flour containers to await whoever was preparing the next meal. They smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio where my grandma always fed us warm, homemade pudding with blue food coloring. “Shmily” was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower, where it would reappear bath after bath. At one point, my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper to leave”shmily” on the very last sheet.
There was no end to the places “shmily” would pop up. Little notes with “shmily” scribbled hurriedly were found on dashboards and car seats, or taped to steering wheels. The notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows.
“Shmily” was written in the dust upon the mantel and traced in the ashes of the fireplace. This mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents’ house as the furniture. It took me a long time before I was able to fully appreciate my grandparents’ game. Skepticism has kept me from believing in true love-one that is pure and enduring. However, I never doubted my grandparents’ relationship. They had love down pat. It was more than their flirtatious little games; it was away of life. Their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection which not everyone is lucky enough to experience.
Grandma and Grandpa held hands every chance they could. They stole kisses as they bumped into each other in their tiny kitchen. They finished each other’s sentences and shared the daily crossword puzzle and word jumble. My grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was, how handsome and old he had grown to be. She claimed that she really knew “how to pick ’em.” Before every meal they bowed their heads and gave thanks, marveling at their blessings: a wonderful family, good fortune, and each other.
But there was a dark cloud in my grandparents’ life:my grandmother had breast cancer. The disease had first appeared ten years earlier. As always, Grandpa was with her every step of the way. He comforted her in their yellow room, painted that way so that she could always be surrounded by sunshine, even when she was too sick to go outside. Now the cancer was again attacking her body. With the help of a cane and my grandfather’s steady hand, they went to church every morning. But my grandmother grew steadily weaker until, finally, she could not leave the house anymore.For a while, Grandpa would go to church alone, praying to G~d to watch over his wife. Then one day, what we all dreaded finally happened. Grandma was gone.”Shmily.” It was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother’s funeral bouquet.
As the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave, my aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members came forward and gathered around Grandma one last time. Grandpa stepped up to my grandmother’s casket and, taking a shaky breath, he began to sing to her. Through his tears and grief,the song came, a deep and throaty lullaby. Shaking with my own sorrow, I will never forget that moment. For I knew that, although I couldn’t begin to fathom the depth of their love, I had been privileged to witness its unmatched beauty.
S-h-m-i-l-y: See How Much I Love You.
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