When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said.
“Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven Commandments.”
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain.”
A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy’s mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, “What are you doing?”
The child answered, “I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture.”
Be Politically Correct with Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
The Sound of Drums (Again)
Our researcher arrives in Borneo this time to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, “Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”
Q: What happens to a refrigerator when you pull its plug?
A: It loses its cool.
Q: What did the British driver say to the one-legged hitch-hiker with no arms and three eyes?
A: “Aye-aye-aye, you look ‘armless. Hop in.”
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Three Tar Heels, One Ticket
One morning, three Tar Heels and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Tar Heels bought just one ticket.
“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the Yankees.
“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from North Carolina.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Tar Heels crammed into a restroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, it was so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched while to their astonishment, the three Tar Heels didn’t buy even one ticket.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
“Watch and learn,” answered the three Carolina boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into one restroom and the three Tar Heels crammed into another one just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tar Heels left their restroom and walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Tar Heel knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
There’s just no way on God’s green earth to explain how the Yankees won that war.
A new minister was walking with an older, more seasoned minister in the garden one day.
Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice.
The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals.
The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry.
But because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose,while keeping every petal intact.
It wasn’t long before he realized how impossible this was to do.
Noticing the younger preacher’s inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem…
“It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God’s design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.”
“The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily,
But in my hands they die.”
“If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God’s design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?”
“So I’ll trust in God for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance
In each step along the way.”
“The path that lies before me,
Only my Lord and Savior knows.
I’ll trust God to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.”