Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny’s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny’s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor’s instructions, it read, “Do not take with broccoli.”
More New Words
ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on’ fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton’ ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!”, he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!,” he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time . . .
Wait for it…….
“I HAVEN’T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!”
1. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
3. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
4. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
5. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
6. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
10. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
11. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
12. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
14. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
15. I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
A boy says, “Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!”
The father says, “For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl.”
The son says, “I’ve found a girl.”
“Let me get this straight,” the father says. “You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.”
“Well, why not?” the son says. “You married mine!”
What’s In A Name
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”
Tried By Fire
Today is September 14, 2011. I don’t know why I am sending you this email, but I wanted to tell you my story. I’m sure there are lots of Christians out there with more important stories than mine, but I want to tell my story.
I live in Canada. I’m a mother of an 8 month old beautiful girl. When I was 5 months pregnant I got laid off from my job and a month after my baby was born my husband got laid off, too. And we’ve been looking for jobs for 6 months now and we still can’t find any. I was so angry with God because our financial status is so bad. We are in debt and the unemployment we are getting now can hardly support us. I even need a lot of repairing for my teeth but since we don’t have an insurance plan we don’t have enough money to go to the dentist. So I was so angry with God. My husband and I fought with Him all the time. We told Him that we hate Him and that He doesn’t exist and lots of stuff like that.
Today I was watching a Christian channel and it just hit me. I realized that I love Jesus so, so much. I love Him to the point that I don’t care if we don’t have money or jobs, because I know He loves me and He will take care of me and my family. I know that He has a plan for me and that He will make me happy and will support me and always be by my side.
I’m writing you this email while I’m in tears. I regret all the things I told Him and I’m so sad that I hurt Him. I’m so sad that I didn’t have faith enough in Him. I’ve always asked Jesus to show Himself to me and it always made me so angry that He never did, but today I realized that I don’t have to see Him to be able to feel His love and grace. I realized that I already have Him inside of me all the time, but I’ve never seen Him because I’ve always concentrated on my problems and on fighting with Him and thinking He forgot about me.
I have so much peace now. I’m even so happy and have no more worries. I feel the Holy Spirit has filled me and I don’t care about tomorrow because I know God is holding my hand. I love you Jesus! You are my everything!
Thank you for listening.