Anti Gravity

Mom’s Dictionary
• AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
• BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
• BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
• BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
• BED and BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
• DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
• EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
• ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
• EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
• HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded By, but not containing, dirty clothing.
• HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
• HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
• KISS: Mom medicine.
• MAYBE: No.
• OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
• DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
• FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
• HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
• STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
• TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
• TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• VERBAL: able to whine in words
• WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house..
Mothers In The Bible Probably Said “
Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been! (Judges 14:5-8)

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

Noah! No, you can’t keep them! I told you, don’t bring home any more strays!

Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

Stinkin Advice
I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

“Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.”

An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. “Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!”
Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch.

“Doc,” he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth.”

“Well,” says the doctor, “that certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?”

“The light was on.”
One Liners
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Rev. Dosh I wish to relieve my heart by writing to you, and saying that that angel visit on the cars was a blessing to me, although I did not realize it in its fullness until some hours after. But blessed be the Redeemer, I know now that I am His, and He is mine. I no longer wonder why Christians are happy. Oh, my joy, my joy! The instrument of my salvation has gone to God. I had purposed adopting her in the place of my little daughter, who is now in heaven. With this intention I took her to C—-b and on my return trip I took her back to S—-n, where she left the cars. In consultation with my wife in regard to adopting her, she replied ” Yes, certainly, and immediately too, for there is a Divine providence in this. Oh,” said she, “I never could refuse to take under my charge the instrument of my husband’s salvation.”
I made inquiry for the child at S—-n, and learned that in three days after her return she died suddenly, without any apparent disease, and her happy soul had gone to dwell with her ma, my little girl, and the angels in heaven I was sorry to hear of her death, but my sorrow is turned to joy when I think my angel-daughter received intelligence from earth concerning her pa, and that he is on the heavenly railway. Oh sir, methinks I see her near the Redeemer. I think I hear her sing “I’m safe at home, and pa and ma are coming;” and I find myself sending back the reply: “Yes, my darling, we are coming, and will soon be there.” Oh, my dear sir, I am glad that I ever formed your acquaintance may the blessing of the great God rest upon you. Please write to me, and be assured, I would he most happy to meet you again. — Rev. J.M. Dosh, in Christian Expositor.