Take a tip from your Creator– your ears aren’t made to shut, but your mouth is.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you’re forgetting the same thing over and over.
Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up.
A Redneck Has Worked on Your Computer, When
- The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba.”
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before long, Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep trouble now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!”
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
“Johnny?” The teacher said.
“I hate war,” Johnny said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”
While driving with my granddaughter, I was getting annoyed with the driver ahead of me and I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”
The next week we were on the same road again with another slow driver ahead. Again I said, “Come on Sam, get moving.”
My granddaughter quickly replied, “That’s not Sam. Sam has a blue car.”
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a crow?
A. Downed power lines.
In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.
Q: How do you tease fruit?
- I tried to catch some fog. I mist.- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.- A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
– They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
– Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory — I hope there’s no pop quiz.
– I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
– Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
– Velcro – what a rip off!
The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A.:
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “it’s the really big lobster.”
“Are you sure they aren’t green lobster tails — and a little bit tough?”
“No,” she said, “it’s the really big red lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails — $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster…”
Take This Math Quiz: (inspiring answer below)
If a teacher’s legacy hinges on stories, Howard Inouye could open a library.
The admiration he earned as a math teacher at King’s school makes Mr. Inouye worthy of his very own story problem:
Five years out of college, a bright and talented young man decides to leave his engineering job to teach at a fledgling Christian school for a fraction of the salary. Quantify the personal reward he feels, today, after investing 40 years in the classroom.
Algebra, trigonometry and calculus can’t compute the answer. But factor in the power of memory and you can see how one life well lived can add up to immeasurable worth.
The odds were not in Howard’s favor for making it through school, let alone teaching. For 1942 was not a
good year for an 11-year-old Japanese-American boy in the U.S., or Seattle in particular, where telephone poles in the city’s International District sprouted handbills that read:
ALL PERSONS OF JAPANESE ANCESTRY WILL BE REMOVED
The Inouyes were among 10,000 from the Seattle/Portland area transported by train to a Japanese internment camp in the sagebrush country outside of Twin Falls, Idaho. The barbed-wire landscape boasted 46 blocks, 12 barracks in each block, six family units per barrack. The food was adequate, though not always appreciated by a pre-teen, and the education wasn’t the best. One neighbor in his family’s block, George Uomoto, left an impression.
“He was really serious about teaching the Bible,” recalled Howard. “While I was playing cards in the communal laundry room with my friend, he invited us to Sunday School. We later discovered he even gave exams to test our knowledge and awarded pins to those getting good grades.”
After World War II, Howard returned to Seattle and majored in engineering at the University of Washington. The headiest moments came during late-night discussions with five friends who talked about two
things: girls and religion. What are the odds that religion would prevail?
The ongoing discussions continued through graduation and into Howard’s first year on the job as an engineer. “Only one friend, Art, was a Christian,” remembered Howard. “Gradually, though, I found myself agreeing with him, and one night I came home and prayed, ‘Lord, if this Bible is really true, then help me to believe it. And if you help me, I’ll receive Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.’ The next day I called Art and said, ‘I’m on your side.’ ”
As an engineer, Howard still was thinking about teaching when he got a phone call from a former college friend back in school studying physics. Calculus had him stymied. Over the course of many phone calls, Howard explained the necessary concepts. “That’s when I thought I should teach math.”
This young, well-paid engineer with his career in front of him left his work for a teaching job at King’s School. “I faced a room of 48 seventh-grade students with a curriculum requiring report card grades in thirteen areas of study including reading, penmanship, art, music, social studies, P.E./health, Bible and math. I hadn’t taken any education courses in college. My degrees were strictly in engineering and math. In all of this, God equipped me with all that I needed.”
He went back to engineering in 1979, but Howard Inouye missed something. “When you’re teaching math, you want to help those who are struggling.” He had been working at Boeing for six years when a phone call came from out of the blue. It was the mother of one his former students at King’s Schools. “I have a friend whose son needs help with his math. He needs someone like you to tutor him.”
“I called the boy’s mom and got the whole story,” said Howard, who stopped by Paul Granard’s home in Edmonds on his way home from work.
“I was failing algebra, said Paul. “I was in eighth grade, and I just didn’t think I was that smart. I had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, so I just wasn’t able to concentrate.
“I would make a lot of simple mistakes on tests. It was very demoralizing. Then I met Mr. Inouye. He was different from any math teacher I had ever had.”
The two sat down at the kitchen table. “First, I wanted to get to know Paul,” said Howard. “I wanted to see what he was dealing with. I wanted to see the things
he knew about algebra and the places where he was getting stuck.” Once a week, a frustrated 15-year-old boy opened the door to the smiling, winsome tutor.
“He was very patient,” said Paul. “He wasn’t a teacher who said, ‘Here is my lesson plan, and this is what we’ll be doing.’ He wasn’t a robot. Instead he was compassionate. He worked with me. He paid close attention. If something didn’t work, he changed his approach. The whole time, regardless of how much time it took me to solve the problems, Mr. Inouye was never condescending. I never felt inferior. Just the opposite: I remember wishing my other teachers would explain math to me like this.
“The first day he drove up, I told my mom I didn’t want Mr. Inouye. I didn’t want any tutor. I thought algebra was insurmountable. But after a while I started to get it. “Paul began to relax and his confidence grew. “One day, after Mr. Inouye had been working with me for a month or so, I brought home an algebra quiz I had taken that day. I showed my mom the grade: ‘B+.’ People say you can do whatever you want in life if you set your mind to it. After working with Mr. Inouye those four or five months, I really felt like I could do anything.”
Paul’s mother explained, “Mr. Inouye opened a door for Paul, a door marked ‘Confidence’ that opened a lot of other doors. Without this kind and patient man, Paul wouldn’t have gone on to college. He would have been in a completely difference place.”
The tutorial sessions renewed Howard Inouye’s love of teaching. The next fall he was back in the classroom at King’s School.
Pete Davenport, instructional technology coordinator at Westminster Schools in Atlanta, credits Howard with inspiring him both to pursue math as a career and to become a teacher. “In college, I student-taught a single lesson in his class at King’s. After my presentation, I realized the students had not understood the lesson very well. Mr. Inouye gently counseled me. ‘Sometimes,’ he said, ‘you have to explain the same concept several times in several ways in order to reach the students.’ Surely, he knew this was how Jesus taught His disciples and how God has to remind us many times, because we often don’t learn our spiritual lessons on the first try.
“Mr. Inouye would go the extra mile to come up with several ways of teaching a concept, adding side notes that made the lesson fun. And even if some students had trouble with the math, they loved him as a teacher, because they knew he cared about them.”
What happened around Paul’s kitchen table changed both the student and the teacher. Tutoring Paul showed me I was really called to be a teacher. I came back to the classroom because the Lord wanted me there working with young people.
“I have always felt that my teaching career was a work of God which He affected by working in me ‘that which was good, and acceptable, and in accordance to the perfect, will of God’ (Romans 12:2). Philippians 1:6 states, ‘It is God who works in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure.’ To me this summarizes my teaching career.
“It was all the Lord’s doing,” concluded Howard. “He took me on as His workmanship. I probably was the recipient of more teaching than any of my students. I was the learner.”