One For The Road
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Judi, “as long as I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said Judi’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied Judi, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Mr. Smith. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
Caws For Concern
I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).
A bunch of ravens had their nests near by — about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They’d fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they’d all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence.
Once, though, one of the ravens didn’t get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up — and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog’s brazen ram.
Four women were eating lunch together one day and they got on the subject of children. One of them says, “My boy’s a priest, and whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Hello Father’.”
Another woman joins in and says, “My boy’s a bishop, and whenever he walks into the room, everyone says ‘Hello Your Grace’.”
The 3rd woman decides to chime in and says, “My son’s a Cardinal, and when he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Hello Your Eminence’.”
Finally the last mother says, “Well my son didn’t go into the priesthood, but he’s a 6 foot 2 inch 200 pound burning hunk of muscle and whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Oh my GOD!'”
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said,
“And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside…”
Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.
Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”
BOWLS Of FUN
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
“Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?” He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, “Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?”
A well dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, “If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago,” said the woman.
“Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?”
“No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets.”
“Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?”
“No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry.”
“Well,” said the lady, “I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The woman said, “Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful.”
“Oh, that’s OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!”
A man couldn’t find his luggage at the airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags never showed up.
She smiled and told him not to worry because she was a trained professional and he was in good hands. “Now,” she asked him, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Random Robby Thoughts :
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back..
The Lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from, huh, huh?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Can Anyone Beat Joe? By JoAnn Vicknair
Joe went to school with his pal Bill. They talked every day. Bill was the most
cheerful guy Joe had ever met. This really puzzled Joe.
The boys were in the sixth grade. Joe was a strong muscled-up kid. Hewas very competitive. He was taught to do his best in everything. Joe did his best mowing the grass. He did his best cleaning his room. He did his best in school. And Joe especially did his best in sports. He loved football, wrestling, baseball and boxing. The school had competition in all of these events, including swimming.
Joe would beat everybody. He won the boxing tournament and the wrestling tournament. Joe could outrun all the boys in track. As the running back, when Joe got the football and ran, no one could stop him!
With being so good in school and in sports, you would think Joe would be happy. He really wasn’t. Something was missing. Joe wanted to be happy like Bill. There was something different about Bill. When it came to swimming, Bill came in first. Joe always placed second. He couldn’t understand it. Joe would move his arms as fast as he could and kick his legs with all his might. No matter how hard he tried, Bill still won. How could Bill beat Joe?
Bill was born without legs! When he swam, Bill had no legs to kick with. How could Bill be so happy? He couldn’t play football or baseball. He couldn’t box. Joe felt so sorry for Bill. But Bill was always smiling, especially when he would beat Joe swimming. It was cool having all the kids in school talk about Joe losing to Bill.
Bill would laugh a bit, and say, “Hey, Joe, guess you can’t be the best in everything, huh?”
Joe couldn’t stand it any longer. He abruptly and rather sternly asked, “Bill, how can you be so happy all the time? You have no legs. You can’t even play most sports. You have to use a wheelchair. That’s nothing to be happy about. You should feel sad. I feel sad for you.”
There it is again. Bill and his big smile.
He chuckles. “Joe, think you can handle this?”
“Of course, I can!” Joe insisted.
Bill explained, “You’re right. I wasn’t this happy all the time. Several years ago, before I met you, I was miserable. I was sad. I cried a lot. I kept asking God, Why me? Why didn’t You give me legs? I really want to run and play and do all the things that you do, Joe.”
“What changed then, Bill?” Joe asked.
Bill explained, “Jesus. Jesus happened. In all my moaning and groaning and feeling sorry for myself, I wasn’t doing anyone any good. I hated myself and I was ugly to others. Finally, I just had a long talk with God. I realized that God does not make mistakes. And I realized that God is a jealous God. I have a purpose being born without legs. Maybe that’s so I could beat you at swimming, Joe.”
They both laughed.
Bill continued, “I thought about God being a jealous God. That meant I had to put Him first. I had a choice to make: put God above everything or put my circumstances above everything. I chose God. With that, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart, and I am a new creation. A new creature. The ‘old’ me is no more. If you want the joy I have, Joe, you need to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior.”
“I certainly do. I want to live with joy like you, Bill,” Joe replied.
At that moment, Bill led Joe in accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.
They remained friends ever since.*
Tags: #christianhumor, #churchbulletinjokes, #cleanjokes, #devotionalhumor, Christian Humor, Church Bulletin Jokes, Clean Jokes, God Stories
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