A: North Polish.
Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: “This one will sleigh you!”
What Do You Do?
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’
He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
The Judge’s Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband’s sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a ‘bug’ planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
“We’re not sure where the disc came from,” the FBI told him, “but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.'”
Smoky, our family cat, had gotten injured and needed to stay at the vet clinic for several days. Our three children were so concerned that several times a day, my wife and I had to reassure them that Smoky was safe and being cared for by the “animal doctor.”
Finally, we got the call that Smoky was ready to come home. Driving to the vet’s, it became clear that our four-year-old son, Ryan, had been doing a lot of thinking about Smoky’s absence when he asked, “Mom, what kind of animal is the doctor?”
The Latest Buzz…
The summer band class I taught was just getting underway when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect and then stomped on it to ensure its fate. “Is it a bee,” another student asked. “Nope,” Tommy replied. “Bee flat.”
Losing Weight By The Numbers
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
THE QUAKER WHO REFUSED TO FIGHT
We clip the following from Lossing’s Pictorial Field Book of the Civil War, Vol. 3, p. 79. It is certainly a remarkable evidence of God’s power to deliver them that put their trust in him. — Editor.
There were some Friends or Quakers from North Carolina in the battle at Gettysburg, who were forced into the ranks, but who, from the beginning to the end, refused to fight. They were from Guilford county, which was mostly settled by their sect, and as the writer can testify by personal observation, presented the only region in that state where the evidences of thrift, which free labor gave in a land cursed by slavery, might be seen.
These excellent 4 people were robbed and plundered by the Confederates without mercy. About a dozen of them were in Lee’s army at Gettysburg and were among the prisoners captured there.
They had steadily borne practical testimony to the strength of their principles in opposing war. They were subjected to great cruelties. One of them who re-fused to fight was ordered by his colonel to be shot.
A squad of twelve men were drawn up to shoot him. They loved him as a brother because of his goodness, and when ordered to fire every man refused. The remainder of the company was called up and ordered to shoot the first twelve if they did not execute the order. The intended victim folded his hands, and raised his eyes, and said: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” The entire company threw down their muskets and refused to obey the order.
Their exasperated captain, with a horrid oath, tried to shoot him with his pistol. The cap would not explode. Then he dashed upon him with his horse, but the meek conscript was unharmed. Just then a charge of some of Mead’s troops drove the Confederates from their position, and the Quaker became a prisoner.
He and his co-religionists were sent to Fort Delaware, when the fact was made known to some of their sect in Philadelphia. It was laid before the President, and he ordered their release.