Thanksgiving Left Overs
Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet.
Q: What is Alan Alda’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
A: M*A*S*Hed potatoes.
Q: What do you call sweet potatoes that are very outspoken?
A: Candid yams.
Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie.
Q: When Priscilla realized that both Miles Standish and John Alden wanted her, what expression crossed her face?
A: A Pilgrin.
Q: NYC set up tall bleachers up and down Broadway this year so spectators could better view what slightly renamed event?
A: The May See Parade.
Q: Am I serving a sweet potato casserole this year?
A: I yam.
Q: What was the Indian’s favorite side dish at the first Thanksgiving?
A: Scalped potatoes.
The Top 10 Upcoming Thanksgiving-themed Movies
- To Kill A Walking Bird
9. My Best Friend’s Dressing
8. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
6. The Fabulous Baster Boys
5. Silence of the Yams
4. For Love of The Game Hen
3. White Meat Can’t Jump
2. When Harry Met Salad
1. The Wing and I
A frog telephoned the Psykick Hotline and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psykick, “Next term–in her biology class.”
The Four Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ‘ribbet ribbet’?
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
Who is the tenth Reindeer?
- ?????? Olive
Olive the other reindeer
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
The Thrill Of The Ride Is In The Curves
Almost like clock work, I can count on a full scale attack from Satan/Life when ever I have the opportunity to speak at a ‘Dangerous Heart’ boot camp. It was the weekend before I was to speak on “Your New Name/Healing The Wound”. God had given me so much to share I was about to burst, then it started.
My son Robby had a Dr.’s appointment that Friday his young heart was beating too fast and he was having it checked out. The Doctor said he had an irregular heart beat and tachycardia, it may be genetic and they needed to run further tests, more waiting and more tests proof again on while they call you patient while under a doctor’s care.
Then I started to get a cold, never good when you are on the radio for a living and supposed to speak at a boot camp. This was no regular cold it started in my chest yet somehow I made it through my broadcasts that Saturday but went home and went to bed, only to be awakened at 2am by a call from my other son Leslie. Leslie is 34 and his mother, my first wife died about two years ago after a very long struggle with severe schizophrenia that had left her hospitalized for the last 25 years of her life. Truly a very tragic and painful situation for both Leslie and I and one that often leaves him very distressed, this time he called very mad.
Feeling like a train had hit me already; Leslie just started yelling on the phone. “If there is a God why would he let this happen to me and my family?” It truly tears me up inside to see him in such emotional pain and he doesn’t believe in God, but he keeps coming back to the subject. A two hour conversation ensued until his phone went dead. Trying my best from 500 miles away to comfort his broken heart with no ever lasting arms for him to lean on it’s just very sad. I went back to bed before I had to be up in a couple more hours.
Still feeling the effects of the cold now a little more intense, I awoke to more emotional texts from Leslie these went on all day and even Monday morning. I called my band of Brothers from Dangerous Heart to call in an ‘Air Strike’ (prayer), on the situation and met with a couple Darrin and Todd for lunch. Todd Clark is in the mental health field at Forsyth and he helped me a lot in ways I could continue to try and help Leslie. Darrin, the founder of Dangerous Heart is a former pastor and an amazing brother in need and I was in need.
Just as I was starting to find my way through the Leslie struggle, I was walking back into Truth Broadcasting and our Office manager, Carol greeted me with, “I need to see you in my office.” She informed me that the North Carolina department of revenue was garnishing my pay check for a significant amount of money.
“WHAT? I haven’t received one notice, how could they just garnishee my check?” Carol was very supportive but she had no answers and it was Veterans Day so the department of revenue was closed, ERRRRRRR. Good things were not going through my head right then, honestly.
I have to just laugh at this one, when I walked in my house that night my wife was still at work and there was a stack of mail about a foot high on the kitchen table with a note on top. “While I was out walking Harry, (our hairless dog) our neighbor brought this mail by that was delivered to them by mistake over the past few months and had just forgotten about getting it to us.” You guessed it; there were the notices from the North Carolina department of revenue dating back to last September. Now I see what had happened, one of the creditors from losing our dealership had written off a large amount of our debt and we were being charged that as income. Yes, I felt shot at and hit, still feeling the effects of all this and the cold I went to bed, not nearly as excited to do my talk at the boot camp or even wake up for that matter.
About 3am Tuesday morning I woke up thirsty and I decided to go make some coffee, (that would feel good on my throat) and just pray awhile. As I lay back in my prayer chair I flipped open my Bible to Isaiah 30:
15 For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”
Still in my prayer mind set I started talking to God. “How cool is it that those who just rest in your arms when adversity strikes get a special touch a special hug from Jesus.”
I was reminded of the Vietnamese Pastor I had interviewed a few months back who had been imprisoned in the swamp with seven thousand other prisoners for five years, all for just preaching the Gospel. I had even asked him, “When God allows something horrible like this to happen to you, he always gives you a special hug, touch of some kind, what was it for you in this horrible situation?”
The Pastor replied, “He gave me the 91st Psalm over and over again in my head till it became part of me.” Try reading that Psalm sometime from the point of view of standing in a putrefied swamp for five years, especially the parts about the terrors of the night what a treasure I had been given.
Still in prayer I just started praising God, my trivial little problems not so overwhelming any more. God you are amazing, truly amazing.
I went back to bed lying there still in sort of a prayer and sleep sort of consciousness God gave me a vision I will never ever forget. He was winding a toy race car tighter and tighter, and then he would let it go across what was a very cool race track. The car however being wound so tight would just blast across the track, boom, boom, boom crash. Going to fast to take any of the curves it was a frustrating experience to watch. He did it again and again until I was really about to scream, SLOW DOWN YOU’RE RUINING ALL THE FUN OF THE CURVES.
Then it hit me, God was giving me something precious. I say it every week, “Slow down Jesus walked everywhere he went and got it all done in 33 years”, but do I live it? I get so wound up that I forget to enjoy the curves. Any car guy on a mountain road knows the thrill. The better the car and the driver the more the thrill, God’s point is that with Him at the wheel the ride is bound to be thrilling so sit back as it says in Isaiah and enjoy. He has truly taught me that when the going gets painful that’s when grace abounds and to get that abounding grace you have to let Him drive and be ready this aint no Sunday drive.
by Robby Dilmore