1st Grade Christmas Play
A group of first graders got together and decided to write their own version of the Nativity. It was more modern than the traditional drama. Oh, there were the familiar members of the cast: Joseph, the shepherds, the three wise men, the star, and an angel propped up in the background.
But Mary was nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly behind the bales of hay could be heard some loud moans and groans.Evidently Mary was in labor.
Soon the doctor arrived dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. Joseph, with a look of relief on his face takes the doctor straight to Mary, then starts pacing back and forth. After a few moments the”doctor” emerges with a big smile on his face.
“Congratulations, Joseph,” he says, “It’s a God!”
My goal for 2019 is to accomplish the goals set in 2018 which I should have done in 2017 because I promised to in 2016 and planned to do in 2015
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100bills in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Pajama-clad tot calling out to family: “I’m going upstairs to say my prayers now. Anyone want anything?”
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.'”
Human Cannon Ball
After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” shouted the cigar-chomping boss. “Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?”
As it turned out, the human cannonball who replaced him was hired and fired the same night.
German Vegetarians Drive Volks Vegans
The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism(very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that: “Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.”
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says,”You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them,I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sortof marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”
The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”
“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!”
Thirsty Jokers Wait In The Punch Line
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No, you had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad…”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
Gold Wrapping Paper
A mother punished her five year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, ‘This is for you, Momma.’
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. ‘Don’t you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there’s supposed to be something inside the package?’
She had tears in her eyes and said, ‘Oh, Momma, it’s not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full. The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.
Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends… There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.