Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A: A broken drum, you can’t beat it!
Many Years BC
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. “Does the campground have it’s own BC?” is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, Campground Owner
Glow In The Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?” “Yes, I ‘m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?
Kids Say the Funniest Things About Love
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire!” – Christine, age 9
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” – Bobby, age 9
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” – Bart, age 9
“Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans, it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.” -Sarah, age 9
“See if the man has lipstick on his face.” – Sandra, age 7
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU?”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” – Michelle, age 9
“Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it. Now they can go eat.” -Dick, age 7
WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE?
“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” – Andrew, age 6
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” – Mae, age 9
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” – Manuel, age 8
WHAT IS FALLING IN LOVE LIKE?
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life!” – John, age 9
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” – Glenn, age 7
WHAT IS THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE?
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” – Anita C., age 8
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” – Brian, age 7
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” – Christine, age 9
WHAT ARE SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” – Del, age 6
“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs. . .and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” – Manuel, age 8
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” – Alonzo, age 9
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” – Bart, age 9
“Shake your hips and hope for the best.” – Camille, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
“Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” – Dave, age 8
WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS?
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” – Gavin, age 8
“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” – John, age 9
HOW IMPORTANT IS LOVE?
“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” – Greg, age 8
The Upside of contagious gum disease is an infectious smile
I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
The Crack Pot
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers on your side of the path but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day while we walk back, you’ve watered them. For two years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”