One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, “I would like to buy this TV.”
The clerk replied, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.”
So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
Again, the clerk answered, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.”
Puzzled, the blonde asked, “How did you know I was a blonde?”
The clerk replied, “Because that is a microwave.”
A Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.
Try to remember that, with the exception of your parents and your children, most people will consider you an adult.
The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.
My husband and I married for better or worse… He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other, it’s probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.
– Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
– Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
– Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, “Hey Mom…what’s this?”
“Oh…that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
“Well what does it do?” they asked.
“I’ll show you,” she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
“WOW!” they exclaimed, “that’s really cool…but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”
“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”
“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.
“It doesn’t need batteries either.” she continued.
“Wow! This is so cool!” they exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”
John Deere had a lot of detractors when he announced his invention.
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, ,my rear is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The Never-Ending Coffee Break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Changing One Student
Her name was Mrs. Thompson. As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn’t play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making a bold mark and then putting a big “F” at the top of his papers. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and put Teddy’s off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners…he is a joy to be around.”
His second grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.” His third grade teacher wrote, “His mother’s death had been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.” Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class”.
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.” After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her “teacher’s pets.”
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Four years after that, she got another letter, that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer– the letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD. The story doesn’t end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he’d met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together. They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s ear, “Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.”
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, “Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.