Random Robby Ramblings

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2022 calendar! I’m dismayed!

Do you think sheep know when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes?

I would say Mr. Spock on Star Trek had 3 ears one on the right one on the left and the Final Front Ear

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips But I haven’t heard that for a while.

Did y‌‌ou h‌‌ear a‌‌bout t‌‌he I‌‌talian c‌‌hef t‌‌hat d‌‌ied?He p‌‌asta w‌‌ay. W‌‌e c‌‌annoli d‌‌o s‌‌o much. H‌‌is l‌‌egacy w‌‌ill b‌‌e a‌‌ p‌‌izza h‌‌istory.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it then called a ham-hock?

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

Is A Bear Without Ears A Be

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?”

“Yes,” the mother replied, “We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have perfect vision.”

“That’s great,” said Little Johnny, “Coz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses.”

Some More Bull From Cow Town

  1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

    2. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

    3. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

    4. It’s better to be seen and not herd.

    5. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

    6. Never take any bull from anybody.

    7. Always let them know who’s the bossy.

    8. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

    9. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

Christmas Leftover – Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men — Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb — went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, “presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: “And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, ‘Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!’ And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.”

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

If you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

 Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.

If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It’s a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

Frosty Lessons: or All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Snowman

It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

We’re all made up of mostly water.

You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow.

Don’t get too much sun.

There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll.

Home On The Range Policy

A cowboy went to an insurance agency to buy a policy. The agent asked, “Have you ever had an accident?”

“Nope,” replied the cowboy. “Last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs, and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.”

“Wouldn’t you call those accidents?” quizzed the puzzled agent.

“Naw,” the cowboy replied. “They did it on purpose!”

Prayed Up Packed Up And Ready To Go – True Story by Robby Dilmore

In Psalm 101 King David was setting out precepts for his new kingdom when he said in Psalm 101:6 “My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; he whose walk is blameless will minister to me.” Finding folks like that is easier said than done as King David was to find out, but the Lord has blessed me over the years with a few, and one of those was Lester Cranfill.

Lester Cranfill was about eighty years old when I met him, about six four and two hundred and fifty pounds he was a big man and a stout broad shouldered old truck driver. Yet in so many ways his constant grin and his demeanor always made me feel like he was a big kid. I met him because he loved to drive and he drove cars for us when we would sell a car that was at another dealership, we would call Lester and it never seemed to matter to Lester where it was, Arizona or ten miles away in Winston Salem his response was always, “I’m prayed up and packed up and ready to go.” Those words I herd from Lester hundreds of times to me sort of defined Lester.

Lester loved to drive and the further the trip the better, as far as he was concerned and when he said those words he meant them. He had a ditty bag that was always packed up. All those years of truck driving he knew about favorite truck stops and restaurants all over the country and where ever we would send him he would tell us, “Oh Boy, now I get to go ‘Old So and So’s they have the best (fill in the blank) in the country.” I’m telling ya Lester was a truck drivin man.

The prayed up part was for real as well, Lester became a member of our men’s group there in a small town in North Carolina called Mocksville, where we meet to this day. There is a seat that no one will ever sit in because we all know that’s Lester’s seat. I never met a man who prayed like Lester. Simple honest and clear to the point with the Lord, but the thing that impressed me the most about Lester’s prayers was that Lester always prayed that God would put someone in his path that day that he could witness to. That was a prayer the Lord would answer for Lester constantly. Lester was always telling us about how he picked up stranded drivers, met someone in the grocery line, and sat next to somebody else at a diner and each time he would share his powerful testimony.

Lester was kinda brought up on the wrong side of the tracks in Mocksville. He grew up smoking and drinking and fighting. As big as Lester was I don’t think I would have wanted any part of that. My understanding was that on Depot hill, (where the bars and whatnot were back in the day) that Lester kinda had a reputation similar to Bad Bad Leroy Brown. He married early to a saint, (believe me), named Lucile, a truly wonderful lady. Yet, in his younger years, Lester would tell you, he didn’t treat her well and would get drunk and start problems.

One of those night’s he went to pick up another beer and although Lester was not at all religious at the time, he herd a word from the Holy Spirit, “Lester don’t pick up that beer, this is your last chance!”. The way Lester told it, that night he gave his heart and life to the Lord and everything changed. Lester became a member and eventually a Deacon of Turntine Baptist Church. The drinking and fighting no longer part of his life he became more and more like Jesus.

His relationship to Lucile was of the most unique things about Lester. countless times Lester would come into our meetings all sleepy eyed and tell us how he had sat up with Lucile and talked till three or four in the morning. I would ask, “Lester what in the world could you talk to Lucile about till four in the morning?”
“Oh Robby, I just love that lady and I could talk all night to Lucille.” Lester would tell us, but we never got the details. Lester loved his family, children, and grand children with a deep abiding love that taught us all.

Then the day came when I got a call that Lester was in the Hospital with a heart attack. Painfully Lucile was on a trip to help another family member and was hours away. I rushed over and met his grandson waiting in the emergency room. Soon the doctor came out and told us that Lester was in the middle of a massive heart attack and they were rushing him into emergency surgery. The doctor told us that Lester would be wheeled down the hall and we may be able to speak to him. Moments later here he came.

Although he must have been in unbelievable pain from the heart attack you could see that, ‘Big Kid’, grin of his from way down the hall. I will never forget what he said nor how he said it. “Robby, I’m prayed up packed up and ready to go!” Lester’s last words to me and his grandson, confirmed his trust in his Savior, said in Lester style, like he was headed for a vacation somewhere, and that he was, shortly to be on the ultimate vacation.

The Lord told me I would be speaking at Lester’s Funeral and he told me to get Lester’s ditty bag. Sure enough Lucile came to me and asked if I would speak and she looked at me like I was crazy when I asked to see Lester’s ditty bag. I told her that Lester had always told me he was prayed up and packed up and ready to go and I wanted to illustrate that at his funeral. When I got home and examined the contents I have to admit I was shocked. Not at the Bible I was certain to see or the picture of his son and him standing by the big truck they both once owned. What shocked me were the diapers. I found out from his family that Lester had prostate cancer surgery years ago that had left him in a bad way. At this point I had known Lester for about eight years and I had never herd him ever complain of any pain or anything for that matter. Lester was all about helping anybody any time with anything with no mention of his pain.

I had the honor of speaking at this saint’s funeral and I guess at this point you know what I said and how I illustrated it with Lester’s ditty bag. He was “prayed up packed up and ready to go!”