Life Alert

Darwinian Trouble
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

“Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?”

“Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor. “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”
Small Town Dilemma
The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply.

“We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”


Advice from a Friend while I was away
Mirrors don’t lie and lucky for me they don’t laugh either.

I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately.

Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them

Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials.

I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “Premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.

I hate restaurants that put calories on the menu. I came out to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

I drink coffee because without it , I’m basically a 2 year old whose blankie is in the wash.

First rule of Cleaning House while listening to ballads: The Toilet brush is not a Microphone.

If you are going to be closed minded, would you mind being closed mouthed as well?

Warning – There’s an email going around offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this, Delete It !!! It’s Spam.
The Power of a Label
The teacher asked her students what they wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room:

“A football player.”

“A doctor.”

“An astronaut.”

“The president.”

“A fireman.”

“A teacher.”

“A race car driver.”

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she asked him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Possible,” Tommy replied.

“Possible?” asked the teacher.

“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”
The following touching incident, which drew tears from eyes, was related to me a short time since, by a dear friend who had it from an eye-witness of the same. It occurred in the great city of New York, on one of the coldest days in February.
A little boy about ten years old was standing before a shoe-store in Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady riding up the street in a beautiful carriage, drawn by horses finely caparisoned, observed the little fellow in his forlorn condition, and immediately ordered the driver to draw up and stop in front of the store. The lady, richly dressed in silk, alighted from her carriage, went quickly to the boy, and said: “ My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?”
“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the proprietor if he would allow one of his clerks to go and buy half a dozen pair of stockings for the boy. He readily assented. She then asked him if he could give her a basin of water and a towel, and he replied: “Certainly,” and quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store, and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed those little-feet and dried them with the towel.
By this time the young man had returned with the stockings. Placing a pair upon his feet, she purchased and gave him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of stockings, gave them to him, and patting him on the head said: “I hope, my little fellow, that you now feel more comfortable.”
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered her question with these words: “Are you God’s wife? “– Parish Register.