Real Fun Guy
While hiking in the country, Susan and her friend Eve
spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that they knew were edible. They gathered a
large basketful and sautéed them that night. Susan’s husband Phil refused to
eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and Susan
gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined them.
“How is it that you’re eating these mushrooms tonight,” Susan asked, “when you wouldn’t touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?”
“I thought about it,” Phil explained seriously, “and I figured it would be
better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home.”
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old
fellow who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.”
After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed
that prayer so fervently.
He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time; it’s withstood a lot of weather; it’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I’ve been around a long time. I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms. I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times. Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn’t . So we need to pray, ‘Lord
, prop us up on our leanin’ side,’ so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.”
Deal With IT
Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a
small gift wrapped box.
“It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.” Doug said. “Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.”
“And???” Bill asked.
“Well, she said ‘Oh, I don’t know just give me something with diamonds in it’.”
“So what did you get her?” asked Bill.
“I bought her a deck of cards!!”
An elementary school music teacher was trying to teach
her students the various kinds of music, from classical to rock to opera to
folk to the blues to gospel. The school administrators discouraged loud noise
in the classrooms and had forbidden the music teacher to use the tambourines
and triangles and bells she had formerly used in class. Nonetheless, she wanted
the kids to have some kind of “instruments” with which they could
express themselves and feel the rhythm.
Accordingly, she had devised a homemade bow made of a tree branch and a thick rubber band, which, when struck, produced only a soft sound, one she hoped would not bring the wrath of the school authorities on her.
At the beginning of the class, she passed out a bow to each kid. “Now, this beat is called a tango,” she explained, playing a bit of tango music on the boom-box she had brought into the classroom. “Do you like the tango? Let your fingers dance on your desktops if you can imagine yourself dancing to this tune.”
“This is a march,” she continued, cuing up another song. “If you feel the beat, march in place to the music.”
“And this,” she said before the third selection, “is something I’m sure you’re all familiar with…rap. If you’re rappy and you know it, snap your bands.”
Kids Are Quick (Real Stories)
Father: Someday You will have feelings for boys
6 year old Daughter: I already have feelings for boys, Dad
Daughter: Yes, they make me MAD!!
7 year old: Mom, what’s a humanitarian?
6 year old: I got this mom, it’s like a vegetarian only they eat humans
“Because chickens are harder to catch than cows.” Then-5 year old Katie, when her sister asked why we had to pay extra to substitute chicken for beef on our tacos at Taco Bell. The cashier even laughed and told her that she might be right.
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.”
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather… and unto the Sonnn… and into the hole he gooooes.”
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!’
Clutching At Straws
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down
waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the
bartender saying, “I’ll have another Waterloo.”
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, “I’ll have a Waterloo, too.”
The bartender gives him a tall ice-cold drink.
He takes a big drink and says, “HEY! This isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water … right, Lou?
Monorail Puns – One Liners
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
Jesus is Real
Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call
one Saturday afternoon a few months ago.
His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad. The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.
Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.
Mikey, what happened?”
Sheriff Marr asked.
“Well, Papaw, I was fishin’ with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin’ pole and I didn’t get to catch no fish!”
As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and into the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two places.
Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine. Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Walmart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.
The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.
When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-fact, said, “Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?”
“Well,” the Sheriff replied, a little startled. “Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts.”
“No,” said Mikey.
“I mean Jesus is REALLY real.”
“What do you mean?” asked the Sheriff.
“I know he’s real ’cause I saw him.” said Mikey, still casting into the trash can.
“You did?” said the Sheriff.
“Yep,” said Mikey.
“When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle.”