Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity of each label and selects the “Top 5” for each year.
Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first five contests:
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding.”
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”
A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner.”
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, “Not intended for highway use.”
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place.”
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
A box of birthday cake candles says, “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs
Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.
“My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?”
“They are,” replied the second woman.
“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled the first woman.
The second responded “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”
Grass Roots Appeal
“Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon,” a preacher told his summertime congregation.
The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church came along.
The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, “Way to go, Pastor, cut ’em short.”
Toughest Time of My Life
I had the toughest time of my life.
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.”
A young girl decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.
For the Record
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”
Q: Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers? A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.
Time Out With The Coach of Coaches
Journals are precious things to go back and see the trials and the triumphs of your walk with the Lord. December 2005 and January 2006 I was under tremendous pressure to raise capital for Westside Chrysler Dodge Jeep. Tammy was struggling with her health, two teenagers in the house and one 6 year old. Based on the number of entries in my journal this pressure was pushing me into Jesus arms. I can tell when my journal entries are daily those were the times I was the closest and when it was weeks between entries that meant I had nothing to share, no depth to my study or quiet time.
It was in this crucible during these two months that one night for a few minutes we had a stop in the action, like a timeout, the ultimate Coach, (Jesus) would come and teach me what I would need for the next stage of my journey. All hell would break lose literally in the following year but Jesus had something for me a month before all that, before He called me to do the Christian Car Guy Show and the deep trials of 2007. He chose the early morning hours of December 30th 2005 to enrich me with a life experience unlike anything I have had before or since, one that would change forever my desires and identity and an understanding of life’s purpose. That night Jesus poured a hope in my heart that I pray will encourage and awaken a similar desire in yours.
That night I was awakened at 4am with a huge desire to pray not sure what for I quickly tried my wife, my children, even Miss Beck my ninety four year old friend, (she was 94 back then now she is 102). Not feeling I met the need I began a Five Slama Jama Cats Pajama prayer, (that’s my nick name for a prayer where I relax and give my thoughts and my body parts to Jesus). I will say something like, “Jesus I can feel my back bone against the bed, I give that to you, I can feel the skin between my toes I give that to you.” Naturally I give him my heart and my mind and my thoughts. However there is something uniquely relaxing about feeling my ear lobes and giving them to him or the skin between my fingers, the more obscure the better. After I do that for a few minutes I spend time thinking of a very relaxing outdoor scene that I have experienced in the past where I knew that the Lord was winking at me.
A great example was one time I was fishing way up a river by my self I hadn’t seen anyone in hours and I came upon a beautiful waterfall and a shimmering pool beneath the kind of pool trout love, (plenty of oxygen and food) and while I was standing there taking in the sounds and smells and the anticipation of a huge Rainbow trout when a deer came down to get a drink looking right at me the whole time very aware of my presence as I was down wind of her and being a deer hunter I knew that could only be Jesus winking at me. Nothing like that scene when I am praying the Five Slama Jama Cars Pajama Prayer it has all the ingredients of Eden for me. I usually try to go to a couple of those kinds of scenes from my past. Then I picture myself in my favorite pew in church and Jesus comes and sits down beside me. Then comes the hard part, listening for that still small voice, I can’t tell you how you will know it when you hear it except that if you are His sheep you will, but that night was different from anything I had ever experienced in years of using this prayer. Jesus showed up and it terrified me. Yes, that’s a little hard to explain, since I know Jesus is inside me always and God the Father is Omni present and I am baptized by the Holy Spirit who groans for me with words I can’t utter, but none the less somehow right at that moment I was keenly aware of a magnificent presence and to feel it is to have a better understanding of the “Fear of the Lord”. Hard to explain but I was terrified.
Jesus, ask me “Robby what do you want?” Talk about being caught completely off guard, I though I was the one who should be asking what do you want me to do, but no it was HIM asking me what do I want.
Not knowing what to say, I glibly responded, “I want to serve you.”
Jesus simply said, “Do you?” there was no condemnation in his question but more a self examination, truly I was freaked out. Then like something you have herd about but didn’t really expect to see for yourself happened. My ‘life started to flash before my eyes’ that is the best way I know how to explain an event that I really can’t explain. Not my whole life but just things that somehow I knew Jesus had put on my heart to do that I had not done. One after another and another they came; I was to call an old friend, ask that one to lunch, reach out to this person, go over and visit that one. One after another after another they flashed before me but not as any condemnation but as tremendous opportunities yet to serve.
I was so excited to see the opportunities before me I went and got a piece of paper to write them all down as I did not want to miss out on any of these. Again there is no way of explaining the sensation of seeing people you know God wants me to reach out to and to know that is exactly the good works he had planned in advance for me to do. It was mind blowing.
Once the list was as complete as I could make it, I then laid back down to confer again with Jesus with a clear repentance. I can’t imagine the prodigal son ran down that road any faster than I wanted to get up with these people I had missed, but at 2am I was going to have to wait. I was already completely thrilled when something even more miraculous happened.
All of the sudden a phenomenal golden light, a radiance that was so profound my heart screamed out, “YOU ARE GOING TO SEE HIS FACE, YOU ARE GOING TO SEE HIS FACE!” A Light you always knew was there but have never seen, a sensation of complete Worship I could perceive I was made for but had never experienced. A sensory explanation for my mind somehow to get wrapped around the concept of, “when we’ve been there ten thousand years”. This was the Glory of the Lord Shinning right here in my bedroom in Clemmons, NC. I threw back the covers and attempted to wake my wife up to share it with her I was so exhilarated.
As quickly as the Glory came it left but I could still sense Jesus there and as I lay back down the understanding washed over me like a giant wave on the beach as I lay silent letting it pound me. “Robby, now do you know what you want?” Jesus had come to show me a rare insight into my life my service. Not only did I have amazing adventures awaiting me of reaching out to people for God so loves the world Jesus loves to walk among the Lilies and the grape blossoms. As the beloved knew about her husband when she longed for Him and could not find Him. Song of Songs 7:2 “She: My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies.” Even better, (if at all possible) my heart has a deep yearning to see His face I did not know was there, but it was there long before I was born. I believe this phenomenal heart cry is in our DNA waiting to be released, it is my prayer that your reading of this event either reminds you of a similar experience or awakens your heart to your own encounter with The Fairest of Ten Thousand.